by Jamie Pope
She kept thinking about how it was her fault. It was her fault that man killed the secretary, her principal, her very best friend. It was her fault that the town and its people had irrevocably changed.
But Teo’s school is not your school. She kept telling herself that, over and over, as they approached, as she chattered on to Wylie about other things.
But when they pulled up, she saw the kids in the playground and heard the sounds of their laughter. She saw the happiness of the building, and that place became her school. It became Farnsworth Elementary all over again. That day was real to her once again.
But she wasn’t there. She was near the ocean and with Wylie and a little boy who was counting on her to give him a fun weekend.
And she had to pull it together. She was mad at herself for falling apart in the first place. So she kept breathing, kept reminding herself where she was and what she had to do. She was sick of being weak. She was sick of being scared and sad and pathetic. She couldn’t stay in the past. She had to move on. She couldn’t leave like she wanted to, like Wylie wanted her to, but she had to stay here to prove to herself that she could, if nothing else.
The door opened and the cool October air hit her face. She forced her eyes open to see Wylie staring down at her. Wylie who looked like he was in so much pain that he wanted to cry.
“I’m better.” She took a deep breath, noticing he was blocking Teo from seeing her. “I am.”
He nodded and then stepped aside. Teo was standing there, holding Mr. Peepers in his traveling case.
“What’s wrong with you, Miss Cass?” His face was full of worry. “Why was you crying?”
She stepped out of the car and scooped him into her arms, kissing his small face a dozen times, taking comfort in his little-boy smell. “I had a headache, but I just took some medicine.”
He was her medicine. She used to have a hard time being around him because he reminded her so much of the kids she used to teach, but now she couldn’t imagine her days without him.
* * *
Wylie smoothed his hands over his arms, feeling chilly despite the fire they had going. They had a warmer than usual early autumn, but as they got closer to November, things had started to cool. He looked over to Cass, who was sitting huddled with Nova on the other side of the fire. She wore a pink cardigan and jeans, but her feet were bare in the cool sand.
She had been chatty since their guests arrived, and for Teo she had been amazing. She made brownies last night, and they chased each other around the yard for an hour today. Teo saw no problem with her, but Wylie did. At moments she had been quiet, and the run-down look never left her. She was occasionally distracted, listless. When they came back from T-ball, he found her curled up in bed. He worried that the depression would come back, that PTSD would overcome her.
“Uncle Wylie,” Teo called to him. “Come make a s’more!” He was standing with Tanner; Tanner’s hand was on his shoulder, making sure Teo kept his distance from the fire.
He was surprised when he saw Tanner show up at Teo’s game today and so was Nova. She had arrived unexpectedly too, and stood off to the side, trying not to be seen. It was an impossible task for his sister. She didn’t look like the other moms. She didn’t blend in, especially in her stilettos, red lipstick and tight jeans. And she got looks for it.
“I don’t want Teo to see me,” she said when Wylie walked over to her. He was just about to ask her why, when Tanner walked up to them. Her mouth dropped open, her shock clear. Tanner just nodded to her; it was the first time they hadn’t traded nasty barbs.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I told him I would come, so I came. He’s a good kid.”
And he was here again tonight, taking Cass up on her offer for dinner as soon as she called. It was a Saturday night. Tanner was a good-looking guy. He could have spent his time with some willing woman, but he was roasting marshmallows with a little boy. Wylie suspected he was lonely. He had never heard his friend speak of his parents or any siblings since they had met. Wylie realized that he didn’t know Tanner very well at all.
“Dude, the kid called you. Get over here.”
“Sorry.” He left his spot. “Find me a good marshmallow, Teo.”
As his nephew went digging in the bag, Tanner stepped closer to him. “What’s going on with you? You’ve had your head up your butt all evening.”
“I’m just thinking about things.”
“Cass?”
“Yeah, she’s one of them.”
“What’s going on between you two? I know you’re together, but . . .”
“But for how long?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I mean. I think you’d be an asshole if you let her go twice in your life.”
“I don’t know what she wants. She lost her husband. She’s still a mess from the shooting. How can I make plans for the future when she’s just living day to day?”
“How do you know she’s not making plans too? Have you talked to her?”
“No,” Wylie admitted. He tried the other day, but Cora called, asking her when she might return home, and he got scared she would leave. “Her parents are coming for Thanksgiving. They want her to go back.”
“So? She’s a thirty-one-year-old woman. They don’t control her. Ask her what she wants.”
Chapter 17
“Tilt your head back, girl,” Nova told Cassandra that next day. “I want to be able to see up your nose.” They were sitting at the kitchen table at Wylie’s house. Nova’s new makeup kit was spread across it, all over the place. She had called that morning and asked if she could come over to practice her makeup application skills on Cass. Cass was surprised to get the call, since Nova had been there so late last night. However, she was glad Nova had come. Cass had friends in Harmony Falls, mostly the wives of Terrance’s friends. They had lunch together sometimes, saw plays, went to wine tastings. They were nice women. She enjoyed their company, but Nova was a different kind of friend. Nova was the kind of girlfriend she always wished she had when she was growing up.
“Do you have fake lashes in there? Can you put them on me?” Cass asked her. “I’ve always wanted really thick, long lashes.”
“You don’t need fake ones. All you need is a better brand of mascara, but I’ll put them on, because I need to practice evening makeup too.”
“I know you do a lot of bridal parties, but do you really get to do a lot of evening looks here on the island?”
“Not really. Lots of fancy people come up here in the summer. Politicians, actresses, just plain, old rich folks. If word gets around that I’m as good with the makeup as I’m getting with the hair, then maybe they’ll start hiring me. And maybe I can move to Boston and work on the big shots there, before next summer.”
Cassandra’s head snapped up. “You want to move to Boston.”
“Tilt your head back. I’m trying to contour your cheekbones, and yes. Eventually I would like to head to Boston. Maybe New York. My mama moved us out to L.A. when I was a kid for a little while.” She shook her head and Cassandra thought she saw her shudder a bit. “I hated it there. That’s one place I would never want to live again, but if the money is good, I’ll make the exception.”
“Wylie moved here because of you.”
“He didn’t. The government got him that cushy job here and his friend gave him this house. His decision to stay here has little to do with me.”
“He’s out with your boy right now. He takes him to T-ball and your grandmother to the doctor. He puts air in your tires and calls to make sure you got home safe when you work late at night. Why do you think he does that, Nova? You can pretend that he’s only out for himself all you want, but you know that Wylie James is all love.”
“You’re just sticking up for him because you’re his girlfriend.”
“He won’t like it if you move away and he’ll be hurt if you take his only nephew away from him.”
“I was going to leave him beh
ind for a little while.” Nova said it so softly it was almost a whisper. “You’re going to stick around, right? I was thinking he could stay with you guys until I make a go of things. He’d rather be with you anyway.”
“You want to . . .” She heard the kitchen door open behind her and little footsteps hit the hardwood floor.
“Mommy, you’re here?”
“Yeah, I’m practicing putting makeup on Cass. I’ve got to get good at it.”
He came around and stood close to Nova, hesitating for a moment before he rested his head against her thigh. Nova stiffened for a moment, but then she relaxed and rested her hand on his cheek, stroking his skin with her thumb. She looked down at him with a mixture of love and pain in her eyes; it was hard for Cass to be a witness to that moment.
Nova was a liar. She didn’t want to leave him. She wouldn’t be able to leave him.
“Are you going to take me home with you?” he asked. “Or are you going to drop me off at Mansi’s?”
She took a moment to answer. “With me,” she finally said.
“Okay.” He looked up at Cass, but he didn’t move away from his mother. “You don’t look the same.”
“It’s the makeup. I told your mother I wanted to look like Dorothy Dandridge.”
“Who’s that?” he asked as she heard Wylie’s heavy footsteps on the floor.
“A very beautiful actress from a long time ago. I want to be beautiful like her.”
Wylie kissed her cheek. “You’re already beautiful like her.” He looked at his sister. “She doesn’t need any of that junk.”
“You would love her if I shaved her bald and made her wear a shredded bedsheet.”
He nodded. “I would.” He grabbed her ponytail and gave it a playful tug. “Since you’re here all the time this weekend, why don’t you make yourself useful and make that hummingbird cake Mama used to make for us.”
Her eyes went wide. “You got all the ingredients?”
He searched her face for a moment, then nodded. “They’re in the car.”
“Why did you get that stuff?” Her eyes watered, but she blinked back the tears.
Wylie stepped toward her and kissed her forehead. “I didn’t forget her birthday,” he whispered. “I’m glad you came over today.” He scooped up Teo and flung him over his shoulder. “Let’s get the groceries out of the car. Then it’s back to the hardware store.”
“See?” Nova said to her after they had left. “That’s why I hate him sometimes. He gets in my damn head.”
* * *
That evening Wylie walked into the bedroom that he shared with Cassandra to find her lying on the bed, her hand resting on her forehead. She looked wiped out, which wasn’t unusual for her lately, but he couldn’t help but think how pretty she was, still in her almost-prim little white cardigan and jeans. But he found himself worrying about her despite that. She was disconnected today. Every time he looked at her, she seemed lost in thought, even though Nova and Teo had been there most of the day to keep her busy. She had gone to lie down just after they left, claiming that she had a slight headache. That was nearly two hours ago. He knew she was tired. Their weekend had been busy, but he also knew that there was more to it than that.
She had taken to bed for a year after Terrance had died. She was doing too much too soon. And after Friday, after seeing how she reacted just by being in front of Teo’s school, it confirmed to him that she was not as healed as she would like to think she was. Healing took time. It took years.
“Don’t stare at me,” she said, her voice sounding sleepy. “Come here.”
She opened her arms and he climbed into bed with her, pulling her close, wrapping his arms around her, almost wanting to ignore the nagging thoughts in the back of his head and just stay like this. He had gone ten years without her—ten years thinking he might never see her again, but they were together again. At times it seemed surreal, unreal. He spent that time away from her trying his best to be a good man, a good Marine, a good brother, uncle and friend. He had been trying to redeem himself for what he had done to Terrance, to Cassandra. He still felt guilty for it—not for beating Terrance unconscious, but for betraying him by keeping his relationship with Cass a secret.
Time had cleared his vision. He should have just told him, told the world. Terrance would have been mad for a while—maybe he would have been mad forever—but he wronged Cass when he asked her to keep them a secret. He made their love seem like it was wrong, or dirty, and she should hate him for it.
“How are you?” he asked.
“Fine,” she said into his shoulder. “Good.”
“Are you sure?” He pulled away from her slightly so that he could see into her eyes. There was nothing in them that stood out. No sadness. No worry, but he knew her better than to trust that.
“Yeah. Why?”
“You seem a little off this afternoon, and don’t tell me it’s because you’re tired. I know there’s something else.”
“I am tired, but it’s not just that. I’ve been thinking about Nova and Teo.” She touched his face. “And you too.”
“Oh?” It wasn’t what he was expecting to hear from her.
“I thought there was another reason Nova came over today. At first I thought it was just because she missed Teo.”
He nodded. “She’s been weird these past couple of weeks. She came to his game yesterday. She never does that, and then I thought about it. About the date. It’s Mama’s birthday today.”
“Will you tell me about her?”
“There’s not much to tell.” He thought back to his mother, about the pretty woman she once was, about the shell of a woman she turned into. “She was a drunk, or an alcoholic I was told to call her. But drunk is how I remember her mostly. She left when I was six.” He shook his head. “Or my father put her out. I don’t know for sure. Nobody ever told me and I never asked. I saw her once every few years. She never called. She never wrote. She would just show up one day around her birthday with kisses and presents and I-love-you’s. And it would be fun for a while, like Christmas morning and my birthday rolled into one. She would fry her famous chicken and make hummingbird cake every time. And when Nova was old enough, she let us help her. But then something would happen, like the sun would set, or she ran a yellow light, or she dropped something on the floor, and it would give her an excuse to drink. And my father would throw her out again. They got into a big fight when I was twelve, right before he died. She drove drunk in the car with us and got into an accident. Luckily, we just ran into a ditch, but my father told her not to come back again, because she was too dangerous.”
“And she listened?” Cass asked quietly.
“Yeah. I never saw her again until I was much older. I never saw Nova again either. That was the worst part. I was too young to understand it then, because I only experienced Mama’s manic craziness when she visited every other year. But Nova lived with it. Every day. I had my pop, who was stable, and then I had the Millers. Nova just had her, and they loved each other, and I know she misses her, because my mama wasn’t all bad. But she was bad for Nova. I knew my pop didn’t want to let her go, but what could he have done?”
“She wasn’t his daughter.”
“He was too sick anyway.” He shook his head. “I’m not sure what happened to Nova in all those years. They moved around a lot. I know Mama had more boyfriends than I could count on my fingers and toes, and Nova’s life was crazy until she came here. Until Mansi got a hold of her. I know that’s why Nova is hard. She’s hard to get close to. She’s hard to love, because she doesn’t know how to be loved. But you were right about her. There’s more to her than I give her credit for sometimes, and I try to ignore that because it helps me forget how guilty I feel when it comes to her.”
“Why do you feel guilt? You did nothing wrong.”
“I didn’t have it easy, but I had it a hell of a lot better than her. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have. I think I could have handled being with Mama better than Nova.�
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Cass was quiet for a long moment; her forehead was scrunched like she was struggling with something. “She’s stronger than you think. She’s stronger than she thinks. She told me she wants to move to Boston next year, and she wants to leave Teo with us.”
“Next year . . . With us.” Those words stuck in his mind, but he couldn’t pay too much attention to them yet. He was more concerned about Nova.
He heard her claim that she wanted to get out of this small town, this isolated part of the island, where everybody knew too much about everyone, but this was news to him. She named a place. She had a time line. “Damn her.”
“She told me she wants to take her career to the next level and she has to leave here to do that.”
“She’s just trying to escape. It’s going to follow her. Doesn’t she know that? It’s going to follow her everywhere she goes.”
“What’s going to follow her?”
“Her past. It’s something we can overcome, but it’s not something we can ever forget.”
She smiled softly at him. “I don’t think truer words have ever been spoken.”
Wylie pulled away from her completely and sat up, needing some space from her to say what he had to say next.
“I get the feeling, Cass, that you are trying to forget about Terrance.”
She shook her head, her expression changing to annoyance. “How could I forget him? I knew him my entire life.”
“I keep thinking about Friday. You can’t pretend like nothing happened. You couldn’t be near that school.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have broken down like that. I should have been stronger.”
He shook his head. “That’s just it. You don’t have to be so strong, so fast.”
“It’s been over a year! I’ve mourned enough. I’ve been sad enough. I need to move on. I’m ready to move on.”
“It hasn’t been a year. It’s been two months since you came here. You couldn’t get out of bed. You weren’t talking. You weren’t eating. You were existing.”
She moved away from him completely; her eyes were filling with water, his words hurting her. “But I’m getting up. I’m feeling. I’m living! It’s what you wanted. It’s what everybody wanted. Why are you bringing this up?”