Until I Find You

by John Irving

  "Go ahead," he said.

  "Have you ever done . . . worse than kiss a girl?"

  "What would be worse?"

  "Something . . . more than kissing . . . perhaps."

  Jack prayed that The Gray Ghost would forgive him if he told her. "I slept with Mrs. Oastler's bra."

  "Emma Oastler? She gave you . . . her bra?"

  "Not Emma's--it was her mom's bra."

  "But Emma . . . gave it to you?"

  "Yes. My mom took it back."

  "Mercy!" Mrs. McQuat said.

  "It was a push-up bra," he explained further.

  "Go back . . . to your prayers, Jack."

  In her ghostly way, she left--genuflecting in the aisle and making the sign of the cross. In her kindness to him, Jack couldn't help but feel that she was more alive than he first thought; yet the message Mrs. McQuat had left with him was as chilling as an admonition from the grave.

  God was watching Jack Burns. If Jack turned his back on God, He would see. And if God was looking so closely at him, this was because He was certain Jack would err. (The Gray Ghost seemed fairly certain of this herself.) Whether the fault lay with his father inside him, or with the independence of mind and imagination already exhibited by the little guy, Jack seemed as predestined for sexual transgression as Emma Oastler had predicted.

  He prayed and prayed. His knees were sore, his back was aching. Moments later, he recognized the smell of chewing gum in the pew behind him--this time, it was a fruity flavor. "What are you doing, baby cakes?" Emma whispered.

  Jack didn't dare turn around. "Praying," he answered. "What's it look like I'm doing?"

  "I heard you kissed her, Jack. It took four stitches to close her lip! Boy, have we got our homework cut out for us! You can't kiss a girl like she's a steak!"

  "She bit herself," he explained, to no avail.

  "Passion of the moment, eh?" Emma asked.

  "I'm praying," Jack said, still not turning around.

  "Prayers won't help you, honey pie. Homework will."

  Thus did Emma Oastler distract him from his prayers. If Emma hadn't found him in the chapel, he might have followed The Gray Ghost's instructions to the letter. And if he'd successfully prayed for the strength to restrain himself, which of course meant restraining the little guy, too--well, who knows what Jack Burns might have been spared, or what he might have spared others?

  12

  Not Just Another Rose of Jericho

  Years later, Lucinda Fleming would still include Jack among the bored recipients of her Christmas letter. He didn't know why. He never kissed her again. He hadn't kept in touch.

  Emma Oastler's theory was that Jack's third-grade kiss on Lucinda's neck was her first and best--possibly her last. But given the sheer number of children Lucinda Fleming would have--they were mentioned by name, together with their ages, in those repetitive Christmas letters--Jack would be inclined to refute Emma's theory. Spellbound as he was by Lucinda's prodigious childbearing, Jack could conclude only that her husband had been kissing her--even happily. And in all likelihood, the husband who had spent the better part of his life kissing Lucinda Fleming had not caused her to bite through her lower lip and pee all over herself.

  Looking back, Jack wouldn't miss Lucinda--or the rage she saved seemingly just for him. It was The Gray Ghost he would miss. Mrs. McQuat had done her best to help him not become like his father. It wasn't her fault that Jack didn't pray hard enough, or that he lacked the strength to control what The Gray Ghost called his "urges"; that he turned his back on God was more Jack's failure than Mrs. McQuat's or his dad's.

  He had a ton of homework in grade four. Emma genuinely helped him with it. Jack's other homework, his sexual education, remained Emma's responsibility; she was tireless in her role as his self-appointed initiator.

  As his grade-four teacher, Mrs. McQuat stayed after school two days a week to help Jack with his math. He actually concentrated on the math; with The Gray Ghost, there were no distractions, no conflicting desires to breathe her in. He never dreamed about Mrs. McQuat in anyone's underwear. In fact, Jack should have thanked her for the sympathy she showed him--not only for what she said to him in the chapel, but the degree to which she tried to counteract the command Caroline Wurtz took of the boy whenever she turned him loose onstage. (Or turned him not-so-loose, as was more often the case with Jack's performances under The Wurtz's uptight direction.)

  He was cast as Adam in Miss Wurtz's cloying rendition of Adam Bede. THEY KISS EACH OTHER WITH A DEEP JOY, the stage directions read. Overlooking the disastrous results of the Lucinda Fleming kiss, which afforded no joy of any kind, Jack devoted himself to the task. Given that The Wurtz had cast Heather Booth as Dinah, the kiss was indeed a daunting one. Not only did Heather make her disturbing blanket-sucking sounds when he kissed her, but her twin, Patsy, made identical sucking sounds backstage.

  Miss Wurtz had cast Patsy as Hetty, the woman who betrays Adam. And what a god-awful misinterpretation of Adam Bede it turned out to be! Jack-as-Adam eventually marries the identical twin of the woman who cheats on him! (George Eliot must have rolled around in her grave over such a liberty as that!)

  And The Wurtz was overfond of the passage at the end of Chapter 54. Following her own inclinations, as ever, Miss Wurtz gave the passage to Jack as dialogue, even though it is actually George Eliot's narration. Looking into Heather Booth's love-struck eyes as he delivered his weighty lines didn't help. " 'What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?' " Jack-as-Adam asked Heather-as-Dinah, while she persisted in making barely audible sucking sounds in the back of her throat--as if his kiss had made her ill and she were readying herself to vomit.

  "Jack," Mrs. McQuat said, when she saw his performance, "you must take everything Miss Wurtz says with a grain of salt."

  "A what?"

  "It's an expression--'with a grain of salt' means not to take someone or something too seriously."

  "Oh."

  "I wouldn't agree that there is no greater thing for two so-called human souls than to be joined for life. Frankly, I can't think of a comparable horror."

  Jack would conclude that Mrs. McQuat was unhappily married--or else, if her husband had died and she was a widow who still called herself Mrs., The Gray Ghost and the late Mr. McQuat had not enjoyed many silent unspeakable memories at the moment of their last parting.

  Naturally, he took no end of shit from Emma Oastler for kissing Heather Booth WITH A DEEP JOY in front of the older girls. "Did you use your tongue?" Emma asked him. "It looked like you French-kissed her."

  "Used my tongue how?"

  "We'll get to that, honey pie--the homework is piling up. All the math you're doing is causing you to fall behind."

  "Behind in what?"

  "It sounded like you were gagging her, you dork."

  But the Booth twins had made those terrible blanket-sucking sounds since kindergarten--Emma should have remembered that. (Emma's sleepy-time stories were the probable origin of the twins making those awful sounds!)

  "Just wait till you get to Middlemarch, Jack," The Gray Ghost consoled him. "It's not only a better novel than Adam Bede; Miss Wurtz has not yet found a way to trivialize it."

  Thus, in grade four, did he encounter in Mrs. McQuat a necessary dose of perspective. He would regret that she wasn't his mentor for his remaining years in school, but Jack was indeed fortunate to have her as his teacher in his last year at St. Hilda's.

  Perspective is hard to come by. Caroline Wurtz was one of those readers who ransacked a novel for extractable truths, moral lessons, and pithy witticisms--with little concern for the wreck of the novel she left in her wake. Without The Gray Ghost's prescription of a grain of salt, who knows for how long Jack might have misled himself into thinking that he'd actuall
y read Jane Eyre or Tess of the d'Urbervilles--or The Scarlet Letter, Anna Karenina, Sense and Sensibility, Adam Bede, and Middlemarch. By grade four, he had not read these wonderful books--he'd only acted in Miss Wurtz's purposeful plundering of them.

  Of course Jack was familiar with the bulletin boards at St. Hilda's, where praise of women was rampant; there among the usual announcements was some humorless observation of Emerson's. ("A sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.") And before Jack was cast as Dorothea in Miss Wurtz's dramatization of Middlemarch, he had seen George Eliot quoted among a variety of bulletin-board announcements. At the time, of course, Jack thought George Eliot was a man. Possibly a man-hating one, at least on the evidence of a most popular bulletin-board assertion of Mr. Eliot's--or so Jack believed. ("A man's mind--what there is of it--has always the advantage of being masculine--as the smallest birch-tree is of a higher kind than the most soaring palm--and even his ignorance is of a sounder quality.") What does that mean? he used to wonder.

  As Dorothea, "with all her eagerness to know the truths of life," Jack radiated (under Miss Wurtz's direction) "very childlike ideas about marriage." No kidding--he was a child!

  " 'Pride helps us,' " Jack-as-Dorothea prattled, " 'and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts--not to hurt others.' " (Once again, this was not written as Dorothea's dialogue, or anyone else's, in the novel.)

  To Miss Wurtz's assessment of his talents onstage--namely, that there were no boundaries to his "possibilities" as an actor--Mrs. McQuat countered with her own little scrap of truthfulness she had found in the pages of Middlemarch. " 'In fact, the world is full of hopeful analogies and handsome dubious eggs called possibilities,' " The Gray Ghost whispered.

  "George Eliot?" Jack asked. "Middlemarch?"

  "You bet," Mrs. McQuat replied. "There's more in that book than dramatic homilies, Jack."

  To Miss Wurtz's prediction that he would one day be a great actor--if, and only if, he dedicated himself to a precision of character of the demanding kind The Wurtz so rigorously taught--The Gray Ghost offered another undramatized observation from Middlemarch. " 'Among all forms of mistake, prophecy is the most gratuitous.' "

  "The most what?"

  "What I'm saying, Jack, is that you must play a more active role in your future than Miss Wurtz."

  "Oh."

  "Don't you see what's wrong with The Wurtz, baby cakes?" Emma Oastler asked.

  "What's wrong with her?"

  "Obviously The Wurtz is unfulfilled, Jack," Emma said. "I must have been wrong about her having a boyfriend. Maybe someone in her family bought her nice clothes. You don't imagine she has a sex life, or ever had one, do you?" Only in his dreams, Jack hoped. He had to admit, if not to Emma, that it was confusing--namely, how much he was learning from Miss Wurtz, which stood in contrast to how obviously flawed she was.

  Like Caroline Wurtz roaming randomly in a novel, Jack searched the St. Hilda's bulletin boards for gems of uplifting advice; unlike Miss Wurtz at large in a novel, he found little that was useful there. Kahlil Gibran was a favorite of the older girls in those years. Jack brought one of Gibran's baffling recommendations to The Gray Ghost for a translation.

  Let there be spaces in your togetherness,

  And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

  "What does that mean?" Jack asked Mrs. McQuat.

  "Poppycock, hogwash, bunk," The Gray Ghost said.

  "What?"

  "It doesn't mean anything at all, Jack."

  "Oh." Mrs. McQuat had taken the quotation from him. He watched her crumple it in her cold hand. "Shouldn't I put it back on the bulletin board?" he asked.

  "Let's see if Mr. Gibran can find his way back to the bulletin board all by himself," The Gray Ghost said.

  Jack trusted her. He dared to ask her things he was afraid to ask anyone else. There were a growing number of things he wouldn't ask his mother; her distancing herself from him was a warning, but of what Jack wasn't sure. He had tired of the when-you're-old-enough answer, no matter what the reason for her aloofness.

  Lottie was Lottie. As much as she had mattered to him once--maybe most of all when he'd been in those North Sea ports and had missed her--now that he was older, Lottie didn't hold him chest-to-chest to compare their beating hearts. At his age, that was a game Jack preferred to play with Emma. (As Emma put it: "You can tell that the most interesting part of Lottie's life is over.")

  And Mrs. Wicksteed was old and growing older; when she warmed her increasingly uncooperative fingers over her tea, her fingers would dip in and out of the tea, with which she occasionally sprinkled Jack's shirt and tie. She'd become an expert at doing a necktie during the years of her late husband's arthritis. "Now I have his affliction, Jack," Mrs. Wicksteed told the boy. "I ask you. Does that seem fair?"

  The fairness question was one that had occurred to Jack in other areas. "It's not fair that I should turn out to be like my father," he said frankly to Mrs. McQuat. (He was in a phase of being slightly less than frank with Emma on this subject.) "Do you think it's fair?" Jack asked The Gray Ghost. He could see she'd really been a combat nurse--notwithstanding what truth, or lack thereof, resided in the story of her having one lung because she'd been gassed. "Do you think I'm going to turn out like him, Mrs. McQuat?"

  "Let's take a walk, Jack."

  He could tell they were headed for the chapel. "Am I being punished?" he asked.

  "Not at all! We're just going where we can think."

  They sat together in one of the foremost pews, facing in the right direction. It was a minor distraction that a grade-three boy was kneeling in the center aisle with his back turned on God. Although The Gray Ghost had positioned him there--however long ago--she seemed surprised to see him in the aisle, but she quickly ignored him.

  "If you turn out to be like your father, Jack, don't blame your father."

  "Why not?"

  "Barring acts of God, you're only a victim if you choose to be one," The Gray Ghost said. From the look of the frightened third grader kneeling in the center aisle, he clearly thought that Mrs. McQuat was describing him.

  Thank goodness Jack never asked Emma Oastler his next question, which he addressed to Mrs. McQuat in the chapel. "Is it an act of God if you have sex on your mind every minute?"

  "Mercy!" The Gray Ghost said, taking her eyes from the altar to look at him. "Are you serious?"

  "Every minute," he repeated. "It's all I dream about, too."

  "Jack, have you talked to your mother about this?" Mrs. McQuat asked.

  "She'll just say I'm not old enough to talk about it."

  "But it seems that you are old enough to be thinking and dreaming about little else!"

  "Maybe it will be better in an all-boys' school," Jack said. He knew that an all-boys' school was his mother's next plan for him. Just up the road from St. Hilda's--within easy walking distance, in fact--was Upper Canada College. (The UCC boys were always sniffing around the older of the St. Hilda's girls.) And it was no surprise that Mrs. Wicksteed "knew someone" at Upper Canada College, or that Jack would have good recommendations from his teachers at St. Hilda's--at least academically. He'd already been to UCC for an interview. Coming from the gray-and-maroon standard at St. Hilda's, he thought there was entirely too much blue in the school colors at Upper Canada--their regimental-striped ties were navy blue and white. If you played a varsity sport, the first-team ties (as they were called) were a solid-blue-knit variety--navy blue with square bottoms. Alice had found it ominous that the jocks were singled out and idolized in this fashion. In Jack's interview, his mother freely offered that her son was not athletic.

  "How do you know?" Jack asked her. (He'd never had the opportunity to try!)

  "Trust me, Jack. You're not." But he trusted his mother less and less.

  "Which all-boys' school are you thinking of?" The Gray Ghost asked him.

  "Upper Canada College, my mom says."

  "I'll have a word with
your mother, Jack. Those UCC boys will eat you alive."

  Given his respect for Mrs. McQuat, this was not an encouraging concept. Jack expressed his concern to Emma. "Eat me alive why? Eat me how?"

  "It's hard to imagine that you're a jock, Jack."

  "So?"

  "So they'll eat you alive, so what? The sport of life is gonna be your sport, baby cakes."

  "The sport of--"

  "Shut up and kiss me, honey pie," Emma said. They were scrunched down in the backseat of the Town Car again. It was a fairly recent development that Emma could give Jack a boner in a matter of seconds--or not, depending on the little guy's unpredictable response. Emma was in grade ten, sixteen going on thirty or forty, and--to her considerable rage--she had newly acquired braces. Jack was a little afraid of kissing her. "Not like that!" Emma instructed him. "Am I a baby bird? Are you feeding me some kind of worm?"

  "It's my tongue," he told her.

  "I know what it is, Jack. I'm addressing the more important subject of how it feels."

  "It feels like a worm?"

  "Like you're trying to choke me."

  She cradled his head in her lap and looked down at him with impatient affection. Every year, Emma got bigger and stronger. At the same time, Jack felt he was barely growing. But he had a boner, and Emma always knew when he had one. "That little guy is like a coming attraction, honey pie."

  "A what?"

  "At the movies, a coming attraction--"

  "Oh."

  "You're soon to be all over the place, Jack. That's what I'm saying."

  "This girl is just jerking your wire, mon," Peewee said.

  "Just shut up and drive, mon," Emma said to Peewee. He was, as Jack was, in her thrall.

  Jack would wonder, after his mom had returned the push-up bra to Mrs. Oastler, what possibly could have transpired between the two mothers that had led to him being left alone with Emma again. And Jack and Emma were alone a lot; they were even alone, for an hour or more at a time, in Emma's house. Whether Emma's mom was at home or not, they were left alone there--no Lottie banging around in the kitchen below them, screaming some nonsense about tea.

  The Oastler house in Forest Hill was a three-story mansion bequeathed to Mrs. Oastler by her ex-husband; the alimony settlement had made Emma and her mother rich. Women who scored big in their divorces were treated with immeasurable scorn in the Toronto tabloids, but Mrs. Oastler would have said it was as good a way to get rich as any.