What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20

by Tina Seelig

  In fact, a dear friend of mine had to school me on this. When she called me to tell me that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, I was certainly upset. But I didn’t know what to do and didn’t do anything. A week or so later, she called me again and asked what happened. She wondered if I was too upset to reach out, or if something else was going on. I told her honestly that I didn’t know what to do and asked for guidance. She told me that she’d appreciate it if I would call her every day to check in. No problem! I could do that. I ended up calling her daily for eight years, before she sadly passed away. The advice she gave me was a huge gift. Not only did she teach me how to be helpful to her during such a difficult time, but our friendship flourished with daily contact. Some days we talked for only a few minutes, but that daily contact dramatically changed the texture of our relationship, and for that I am eternally grateful.

  There is another big pothole that people often fall into: they rationalize doing the “smart” thing as opposed to the “right” thing. These two concepts are often confused. Intelligent people often overanalyze a problem, coming up with a solution they think is in their best interest (the smart choice) but isn’t the right thing to do. Randy Komisar told a personal story to illustrate the point. He had a contractor who had worked on his house. The contractor did a terrible job, and the project required a lot of follow-up work to correct the mistakes. Long after the project was completed, the contractor called Randy and told him that he hadn’t paid the final bill. Knowing how disorganized the contractor was, Randy was fairly confident he would never be able to prove this one way or another. But looking back over his own records, Randy found that indeed he had not paid the bill. It would have been easy to question the contractor’s bookkeeping and to justify not paying the bill. However, Randy knew that, despite his frustration with the contractor’s work, he owed the contractor the money. He wrote a check, knowing that it was the right thing to do.

  When I think about doing the right thing instead of the smart thing, I’m reminded of a legal case in which I served as a juror. It was a wrongful termination case, in which a woman accused her employer of firing her without cause just days before her stock options were going to vest. This case went on for ten very long weeks, and I had a lot of time to think about the “right” outcome. The law was on the employer’s side, because the plaintiff was an “at will” employee who could be fired at any time, but it wasn’t clear whether the employer had done the “right” thing with regard to the timing of her dismissal. The jury deliberated for days. In retrospect, the deliberation was so difficult because we were torn between the right and the smart decision. Ultimately, we ruled in favor of the plaintiff, but we gave her a much smaller award than she was requesting. I later learned that the judgment was appealed, and another trial ensued.

  Both the contractor and the trial stories highlight the fact that there is a significant difference between doing the right thing and rationalizing a decision that’s best for you. Your actions always affect how others see you, and as mentioned innumerable times now, you will likely bump into these same people again. If nothing else, you can be sure they will remember how you handled yourself.

  * * *

  One of the biggest things people do to get in their own way is to take on way too many commitments. This eventually leads to frustration all the way around. Life is a huge buffet of enticing platters of possibilities, but putting too much on your plate just leads to indigestion. Just like a real buffet, in life you can do it all, just not at the same time. In fact, no matter your age, prioritizing is hard work. But as Greg McKeown says, “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.”3 The problem is that many of us grow up with a mindset of scarcity and end up in a world of abundance. As a result, when opportunities become more abundant, we gorge ourselves at the buffet, taking on much more than we can chew.4

  One approach is to pick three priorities at any one time, knowing that these will change as your life changes. This concept is not new. In fact, the US Marine Corps and other military services use the Rule of Three as a general principle. Through years of trial and error, they’ve found that most people can track only three things at once. As a result, the entire military system is designed to reflect this. A squad leader is in charge of three fire team leaders, a platoon leader is in charge of three squad leaders, and each company consists of three platoons. The military experimented with a Rule of Four, and effectiveness dropped precipitously.

  There is another way to look at the things on your to-do list: What things do you need to do, and what things do you want to do?

  It’s easy to say yes to the things you need and want to do, such as attending a close friend’s wedding.

  It’s easy to say no to the things you neither want nor need to do, such as going to a meeting that isn’t directly related to your work.

  You have to say yes to the things you need to do but don’t want to do, such as filling out an expense report or taking out the garbage.

  The most challenging decisions involve the things that you want to do but don’t need to do. In some cases the opportunity is so tempting that you may ultimately say yes, even though you are going to have to manufacture time to make it work.

  It is important to train yourself to say no when you know deep down that you don’t have the time, no matter how attractive the opportunity. In these cases I write a note with the following words: Thank you so much for the wonderful opportunity. I wish I had time to participate. Please don’t interpret my lack of time for a lack of interest. This short message captures how much I appreciate the invitation and opens the door to potential future opportunities. It helps me to stay focused on the things that are the most important to me, as opposed to getting distracted by all the lovely, shiny objects in my midst.

  It’s also helpful to consider what percentage of time you spend doing things that you want to do versus those that you don’t want to do, and how much time you spend doing things you have to do versus things you don’t have to do. If most of your time is spent on things you don’t want to do, then it’s time to reconsider your role. And if you spend most of your time doing things you don’t need to do, perhaps you should reconsider your priorities. The sweet spot is doing the things you both need and want to do. Of course, we often do things we don’t want to do because they need to get done or because they will lead to long-term benefits. But it’s worth evaluating how you spend your time, optimizing for both the short and long term.

  Limiting yourself to a few core priorities can feel frustrating; however, it can help you avoid the Tyranny of the Or—that is, having to choose between this or that. For example, when you face a massive deadline everything else falls to the side. However, there are many ways to satisfy more than one desire at once. For instance, if you love to cook and want to spend time with friends, you can start a cooking club. I met a woman who had a group called Chop and Chat. Every Sunday six women would get together to cook at a member’s home. Each member brought the ingredients to make a different recipe that was then split into six large portions. Members took home six different main courses for the week. Chop and Chat was an inventive way for the women to cook together, socialize, and prepare meals for their families.

  You, too, can find innovative ways to combine your work and other activities about which you feel passionate. Take venture capitalist Fern Mandelbaum, for example. You would assume that meetings with Fern would take place in her office. But Fern is also an avid athlete and loves being outside, so when you want to discuss a new venture with her, be prepared to join her for a strenuous hike. Everyone who knows Fern knows to wear walking shoes and carry a bottle of water to a meeting with her. She finds that this strategy is a great way to really get to know each entrepreneur while also getting fresh air and exercise.

  To summarize, with a little practice it’s easy to squeeze a little more sweet juice out of every day. Always show appreciation to those who help you. Keep a stack of thank-you notes on your desk and use
them frequently. Also, never forget that the world is very small and you will likely bump into the same people time and time again. Protect and enhance your reputation—it’s your most valuable asset and should be guarded well. Learn how to apologize with a simple “I’m sorry.” Do the right thing, as opposed to the smart thing, so you’ll be proud to tell your story later. And don’t take on too much, lest you disappoint yourself and those who count on you. Consider how much time you spend doing things you need and want to do, and prioritize for yourself, so someone else doesn’t do it for you.

  Chapter 10

  Paint the Target Around the Arrow

  Several years ago, when he was in high school, my son, Josh, wanted to purchase a new bicycle. He was interested in competing as a road cyclist and “needed” a fancy new bike. He came to my husband, Mike, and me and said, “I’ve done all my research and have found the perfect bike. It’s really important to me.” Our response was, “That’s nice. There’s no way we’re going to spend that much money on a bike. We might be willing to spend half that amount.” I followed with, “Look around you, Josh. Perhaps you can find a way to make purchasing the bike more attractive to us?” I urged him to think of things he could do that would be worth the price of the bike.

  Josh thought for a few days and came back to us with a proposal, offering to do all of his own laundry and to cook dinner for the family three nights a week. Interesting idea . . . Mike and I took this under consideration and decided it was a good deal. By doing his laundry and making dinner, Josh would save us a lot of time, and he would learn some important skills. We agreed to the deal. Josh got the bike and took his new responsibilities seriously, building trust that we all would follow through with our promises.

  Like all parents, we’ve had many other opportunities to negotiate future deals, which reinforces the fact that the most important outcome of any negotiation is to get to the next negotiation. The first deal is just the beginning. If the first negotiation is fair and balanced, and both parties follow through on their commitments, then chances are the next negotiation will go even more smoothly. As mentioned several times, we live in a very small world, and repeat appearances are the norm.

  Most of our interactions with others are essentially a series of negotiations, and we do ourselves a huge disservice by not knowing the basic tenets. We negotiate with our friends about what to do on Saturday night, we negotiate with our family about who does the dishes and who pays the bills, we negotiate with our colleagues about who will stay late to complete an assignment, and we negotiate with salespeople on the price of a car. We negotiate all day. Most of us don’t even realize we’re negotiating; nor do we have any idea how to do it well. Here are some clues, learned through a classroom activity:

  On the surface the following exercise appears to be a simple negotiation between job candidates and employers.1 There are eight terms to nail down, including salary, vacation time, and job assignment, and each person has point values associated with each of the terms. Each individual’s goal is to maximize his or her own points. Usually, the pairs of negotiators go down the list in order, trying to agree on each item. They quickly realize, however, that this strategy isn’t going to work. At the end of a thirty-minute negotiation, some of the negotiators have come to a resolution and others have decided to walk away without a deal. The pairs who have reached an agreement fall into one of two categories: those who are eager to work together and those who feel quite uncomfortable with the outcome. Some pairs end up with similar point totals at the end, while others have wildly different scores. So what happened?

  The most common mistake in all negotiations is making assumptions, and the most common assumption in this case is that the recruiter and the candidate have opposing objectives. The candidate assumes the recruiter wants the exact opposite of everything the candidate wants, when in actuality they have two of eight objectives in common, two that are opposing, two that are much more important to the candidate, and two that are much more important to the recruiter. Though contrived, this case mirrors most situations in life. Parties often share interests, even when they believe they’re on opposite sides of an issue, and some terms are almost always much more important to one person than to the other.

  The key to a successful negotiation is to ferret out everyone’s interests so the outcome can be maximized for everyone. This is easier said than done, since most people hold their interests close to the vest, believing this gives them a stronger negotiating position. But oftentimes this strategy is misguided, because in actuality what one party wants might be right in line with what the other party wants.

  Maggie Neale, an expert on negotiation, says that everyone should look at the process as a creative problem-solving exercise.2 With that mindset you are more likely to squeeze more options out of the negotiation. I’ve taken this to heart. During a recent experience purchasing a car, I decided to see what would happen if I looked at the encounter through the lens of learning, and by challenging my long-held assumption that the salesperson wanted me to spend as much money as possible, because I wanted to spend as little as possible.

  While test-driving the car, I amped up my curiosity and asked a lot of questions about the automobile industry, including how salespeople are compensated. I surprisingly learned that this salesperson’s commission had nothing to do with the price I paid for the car. His bonus was based on getting an excellent evaluation on his customer service. I told him that wasn’t a problem for me and that I’d be delighted to give him a fabulous review in return for a great price. We found a win-win situation. I would never have known or imagined that our interests were aligned if I had not taken the time to explore them.

  The good news is that you get opportunities to negotiate every day and so have many chances to practice this skill. Here’s a story illustrating that negotiations can happen anywhere. A few years ago I was in Beijing for a conference, and my colleague Ed Rubesch met up with some of his students from Thammasat University in Thailand who were planning a sunrise trip to the Great Wall. That sounded fantastic, and I became intent on finding a way to see the Great Wall at sunrise, too. I thought such a trip would be easy to arrange, but for some reason it turned out to be nearly impossible. I started with the concierge at the hotel, then a local professor, and then the taxi drivers near my hotel. No one was able to help me with my quest. At the same time, I was talking up this idea with other colleagues, many of whom wanted to join the excursion. We agreed to meet in the lobby of the hotel at 3:00 a.m. for the trip to the Great Wall, and it was up to me to make it happen. I wasn’t going to let them down, but I had no idea how to accomplish this. I had used up all the obvious solutions.

  Across the street from my hotel was a school that taught English, and I thought that at the very least I’d be able to find someone with whom I could speak. After striking out herself when she tried calling a car service, the receptionist suggested I talk with a seventeen-year-old student who was in the lobby. I introduced myself and sat down to chat with him. My goal was to find some reason he would want to help me reach my goal. After a short time, I learned he was an accomplished student, musician, and athlete who was in the midst of applying to colleges. Eureka! I’d found the way I might be able to help him. I told him that if he would help me get to the Great Wall at sunrise, then I would write a letter of recommendation for him for college. That sounded like a great deal to him, too! With several hours of effort he solved my problem by finding a car and a driver and agreeing to come along as the translator. After that, I was only too pleased to write a letter that described his initiative, creativity, and generosity. Together we created a wonderful win-win situation. This was a gift that kept on giving, since I ended up writing letters of recommendation for him for years to come.

  Stan Christensen, who teaches a course on negotiation, built his career around extracting the most value from negotiations. He recommends looking for surprises when you negotiate, because surprises indicate you’ve made inaccurate assumptions. H
e also advises picking your negotiating approach based on the interests and style of the person with whom you’re negotiating, not on your own interests. Don’t walk into any negotiation with a clearly defined plan, but instead listen to what’s said by the other party and figure out what drives them. Doing so will help you craft a positive outcome for both sides.

  There are some cases that offer no win-win solution, and it’s actually better to walk away. When the interests of the different players are uncovered, and it’s clear there’s no intersection between their goals, then walking away is the best choice. Despite this, most students strike a deal anyway, even though it’s suboptimal for both parties. Many of us hold to the mistaken assumption that any deal is better than walking away. This certainly isn’t always the case, and walking away from a deal should always be considered a viable option.