by S. Ann Cole
Turning back on his side, he redirected his gaze to me, but said nothing. Natalio’s eyes were rarely readable, but now—maybe by his deliberate doing—I could read all that was in his eyes: his distrust, his poignancy, his disbelief, and, the most illuminated, his hope.
“Hug me back to sleep,” I begged him.
On a sigh, he opened his arms and I crawled into them and snuggled up to his chest. Being in his arms felt so right. There was an unexplainable peace in my heart when I was with Natalio, and I wanted very much to focus on what I had with him. Channel all my attention to him. Find some sort of happiness again.
Listened I did, as Natalio’s heartbeat slowed and his breathing evened out. Knowing he’d fallen asleep, I tilted my head for the pleasure of admiring his handsome face. I tentatively stroked my finger across his brows. He didn’t stir. Then gently down his face. He didn’t stir. It was the first time that I’d ever really looked at him like this. Normally, I’d be lusting all of him at once. He sighed in his sleep and his face fell in an instantaneous repose. He looked young, peaceful and vulnerable. Carefree, even. Nothing like the hostility-ridden, intrepid, Mysterious Man in Black. His lips parted as he seemed to have fallen into a deeper level of sleep.
In admiration, I stared at him, and stared, and stared until my eyelids grew heavy. When my lids finally shuttered down, an image of a fine-looking guy with bright blue eyes appeared in my vision. He was looming above me, naked, as I was beneath him. I knew him. He was…Nelly. The first man ever for me. He kissed me, told me that he loved me. And left…
Everything went blank.
I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t, it felt like something was holding me down.
Nelly was back in my vision again. His head rested on a fresh white pillow, his long-lashed eyes closed as he slept. And peaceful he seemed, too. Long braids tumbled over his shoulders; he was beautiful. Then suddenly his eyes opened and he looked forlorn, his brows creasing and the blue of his eyes dimming to darkness as he gave a echoing whisper, “How long, Sadie?”
My lids flew open, my heart-palpitating, and my widened eyes took sight of a sleeping Natalio. I blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what I’d just dreamt or visioned or…whatever. I felt tired as if I’d been running a mile, and extra sleepy.
Nelly…
Now I remember who Nelly was to me. Jumbled pieces of my memories flitted in and out of my mind, never lingering for more than a second. Nelly on top of me…him kissing me…I’m crying…I’m alone…I’m being laughed at by a faceless group…there’s my father, red with rage and holding a baseball bat in his hand…
My heart-rate picked up speed. I’d never before had memories of my father close to the injury. Ever. Were these real? Or were they just fragments of my imaginations? That last image of my father sure as hell made me not care for those memories. Those memories were better off locked away.
Natalio’s warm breath touched my forehead and I brought my hand to his face and caressed it once more.
“Sadie…don’t go…I’m sorry.”
Startled, I froze my movements. It was a moment before I realized that Natalio still slept. His face contorted as he mumbled, “I…bear it…can’t…no more…n-no more.”
Seemingly he was having an unpleasant dream and I wondered if I should wake him. On the good, he was dreaming about me. And on the bad, I was causing him pain, even in his sleep.
I placed my hand on his chest to shake him awake, but then for some unknown reason, my hand stilled. A strange tingling bristled the hairs on my nape. Something wasn’t right. Natalio babbled in incoherence again and I tilted my head and looked at him. Really looked at him. And like the snap of a hypnotist’s fingers, I blinked him into recognition…Oh. My. God…
My heart slammed so hard into my chest, I was sure my ribs were fractured. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Nelly. Nelly. Natalio was Nelly! How? How? Impossible.
Unblinking, breath-choked, abyss-suctioned, comprehension-voided, I gazed at Natalio. For several moments I was frozen, as if I’d been breathed upon by the White Witch. Finally, I blinked, closed my eyes and counted to ten, then released a long, shuddering breath.
This couldn’t be real…
In search for solid proof, I reached for Natalio’s hand to find that damned ring that’d been bugging my mind all day. Flashes from my dreams came tumbling in as I studied the ring. We’re in a park…and…there’s two them…they’re promise rings. But if it wasn’t my imagination, where was the ring he gave me?
My god, was Natalio really Nelly?
Tears poured from my eyes as scattered and incoherent images slid in and out of my mind. It was making me dizzy, tired, really tired, and an instantaneous headache slammed me. This was how he knew me. All his parabolic statements were starting to make sense. His poem:
I stand before you,
But you see me through opacity.
You know who I am,
But you don’t see who I am…
In so many ways, he tried to tell me. Pinching myself, I began at that, thinking that maybe I was dreaming again. Wake up, Sadie! Wake up!
Unbidden, a conversation my mother had had with me after I came out of my coma played in my head. When I’d inquired why dad had hit me so brutally, she’d only looked at me with sad eyes and said: “That boy has caused you great pain, darling. I’d had faith in him, you know. I’d thought he really loved you. I believed he would’ve given you a good life. But I guess they’re all the same. You didn’t deserve to be left like that for your first time. Every girl’s first time should be special. Now look at this permanent damage that he’s caused…both mentally and physically…”
When I’d asked her what this boy’s name was, she didn’t tell me. Said it would be for my own good, should I ever heal.
I closed my eyes, and there it was…not in my vision this time, but in my heart. The pain that Nelly had caused me. How he’d used me. It wasn’t in my memory; it’d always been in my heart. My eyes burned as tears spilled profusely from them. Stay away, oh pain, oh sorrow, stay at bay…
That’s why he’d look so torn when he woke me. He knew I was dreaming about him, yet I didn’t see that he was him.
“How is it that you see this person each time you close your eyes, yet when you open them, you don’t?”
Everything he’s ever said or done was starting to make sense. So no, he wasn’t complicated or mysterious. I was ignorant. I suddenly felt nauseous and weak-limbed.
Trying to keep quiet, not wanting to wake him, I gingerly weaseled out of his arms. He sighed in his sleep and turned, gripping my pillow to him as he slept.
The bedside clock informed me it was 2:12am. We had a fun day. More sex than play, but still a fun day—after he’d capitulated to powering his bloody cell phone off. The man was a workaholic, and was effective at multi-tasking. But I’d wanted all his attention and demanded just that for the day. Still I couldn’t remember how we ended up in bed.
I padded to his dresser and took choice of a white T-shirt. Then grabbed a sweatpants that was far too big to fit, but I donned it anyways, folding it at the waist a few times. I snatched up my purse and cell phone, all the while stifling sobs and tears that would seize not a drop. I braked at the bedroom threshold as I made to leave, and my head swiveled to look at him one last time. Oh Nelly, what have I done to you that you’d come back to cause me more pain? Had I not been hurt enough?
The purse slipped from grasp as I sidled back to the bed and sat next to him. I let my knuckles taste his warm skin, and my lips touched his as he slept quietly, unknowing. His messy hair tossed across his forehead, his broad chest rising up and down with each breath.
Opening the nightstand drawer, I searched for a pen and paper and scribbled Solomon’s song:
One night as I lay in my bed, I yearned for my lover.
I yearned for him, but he did not come.
So I said to myself, “I will get up and roam the city, searching in all its str
eets and squares.
I will search for the one I love.”
So I searched everywhere but did not find him.
The watchmen stopped me as they made their rounds and I asked,
“Have you seen the one I love?”
Promise me…Not to awaken Love until the time is right.
Thanks for giving me the chance to reciprocate.
How does it feel, Nelly?
Hot pearls of tears fell from my cheeks and unto the note, smothering his name. Under the dimmed light of his lamp, I placed the note squarely on his nightstand, then kissed his parted lips once more before leaving him.
It was a moment before I realized it was almost 2:30am. How was I going to get home? There was only one person I knew who’d be awake at this hour. I retrieved my cell phone and sought the number.
When he answered there was music blaring in the background.
“Tevin, I need a lift.”
Chapter Thirteen
“Shits in loads, Sadie! Are you okay?” Tevin asked as soon as I entered his car and he saw my face. My tears ran amok.
“I’m good, Tev,” I assured him.
Tevin craned his neck to glare up at the skyscraping building through his windshield. “I assume you were with some pompous, rich boy. What did he do t’ya? Tell me, so I can deliver his head to you on a pike!” he demanded, his rage burning.
“Tev, calm down. I’m good,” I tried to defuse him. “He didn’t do anything to me. I just…had an epiphany and snuck out. That’s all.”
He glared at me with distrust. “Y’ sure?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “Is Kels by your place?”
Tevin pulled away from the curb. With three thirds of the city being asleep, the roads were dark and stark. “Yeah. She’s been there all week.”
“And you’re out swindling?”
“Gotta make the greens, baby girl,” he replied through his Hispanic accent, revealing his signature lopsided grin. His basketball hat barely sat on the side of his head.
“I’m staying at your house tonight, then. But first, stop at my apartment so I can grab a few things. My new job’s in a few hours.”
“Why? What’s wrong with your apartment?”
“Nothing’s wrong with it.” Except that, as soon as Mr. Mysterious in Black awakes and notices my absence, he’s bound to come knocking.
“‘kay. You can take one of the rooms upstairs.”
“I’ll take whatever goddamn room I want, Tev. Sleep betwixt you and Kels if I bloody feel like it, too.”
Tevin groaned, “I know something’s wrong, Sadie. And I know you’re gonna go bawling ya big brown eyes out to Kels. And then when I get home, shagging will be off limits ‘cause her ass will be empathizing with you. It’s easier to just tell me and lemme gouge the eyes of that sonuvabitch, pluck his fingernails out and brew stew with his eyeballs for ya. However painful you want his death to me, just lemme know.”
Trust Tevin to make me laugh. Unladylike, I wiped my nose. “So that’s what you’re worried about, nimrod? Shagging?”
Tevin shrugged. “I love to be inside ma girl, Sadie. Wha’ can I say?”
“Well I’m sorry that I’ll be icing your balls this morning. You can always wank,” I teased.
Surprised I was to see Brenda awake when we entered my apartment. She sat cross-legged on the sofa in Betty Boop pajamas, with books and papers strewn about her. She looked up as we strolled in, her eyes were bloodshot, her face bleary.
“Hey, Brenda,” said Tevin.
She gave a perfunctory nod. Brenda despised the very air that Tevin breathed.
“This is what law school entails?” I asked.
“Only when a due paper is procrastinated, just so you could hang out and get drunk with friends,” Brenda replied through a yawn.
“Oh.” Not something Brenda would do. What has gotten into her lately?
Brenda eyed me from head to toe, and I was self-consciously reminded that I was dressed in Natalio’s over-sized apparels. She arched a lazy eyebrow. “Been with Nelson, have you?”
My feet strode off and my eyes rolled. That was none of her damned business. “I’m just here to grab a few items. So, please do, proceed with your paper.”
She bolted from the sofa and followed me to my room. “Has he said anything about me?”
Curious, I glanced at her. Brenda worried her fingernails, looking a tad perplexed. “No. Was he supposed to?”
“The gift he gave me…” she trailed off, frowning, marring her already weary face.
Stirring about the room as I gathered my accouterments, I asked, “What was it?”
“A, um, chunk of cheese.”
I swiveled around and stared at her, nonplussed. What the hell? Why would he gift her cheese? Natalio was such a weirdo.
After a beat, I shrugged and zipped my bag. “Welcome to the complex world of Natalio Nelson,” I whispered in her ear as I walked past her and headed down the hall.
When I entered the living area, I nudged Tevin who was busy scrutinizing a four-feet tall, golden Chinese Samurai that Brenda had brought back from New York.”Come on.”
Brenda requested, “Will you ask him what it means for me?”
“I don’t think so. I won’t be seeing him again.”
“Jeez. What’s wrong with you two?” she asked, hands on hips. “Little beyond twenty-four hours ago, you two were standing here knotting tonsils. And now this?”
I nodded and nudged a distracted Tevin again. If the damn thing wasn’t so huge, I’m sure Tevin would’ve pocketed it. Because, knowing Brenda, that Samurai was undoubtedly made of real gold. “Pretty much. That’s how shit is with me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Just ask him what the damn cheese means, will you.”
“Cheese?” Tevin butted in, quizzical.
“Yeah, some guy I was seeing gifted her cheese,” I enlightened him. “Come on, Tev. Let’s go. I need sleep.”
Tevin tried to suppress a laugh, failed at it, and then erupted into a cathartic bubble.
Both Brenda and I stared at him, bemused.
“Dude’s tryna tell ya that you’re a rat, Brenda,” Tevin informed her between chuckles.
“What?” we both asked.
Tevin’s shoulders jerked in a shrug, “You probably ratted him out on something.”
Brenda scowled and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was: her divulging Natalio’s identity to me.
Grabbing Tevin’s arm, I hauled him through the door before Brenda could say anything else. Unexpectedly, a short laugh hiccupped from my throat. And I thought to myself that that was a gesture only a young, oafish Natalio would make. Something Nelly would do.
“I’ll be back in about an hour. Please, Sadie, don’t leave her too despairing. My shagging is essential.”
I flipped my middle finger up at Tev, then clambered out the car and made my way into his grotesquely large modernistic house. Three storeys high with glassed balconies and all those oddly angled designs of the modern taste. Tevin was rich. But he was rich through dishonest scales. His money was bloody, really bloody, and carried the weight of wretched and weeping souls. It was the reason why I preferred to take whatever job I could to pay my own bills instead of taking money from him that he would so willingly give me, or even just dwell at his place instead.
Because of my experiences with Cali D, I tried to keep my distance from such corrupt wealth. For there’s always a shit storm tailing closely behind; and keeping my distance will prevent me from getting splattered with that shit. Such kind of living only leads us through one set of gates: the gates of death.
I plodded through the foyer and headed from the stairs. Waking Kelsy with my pathetic problems was never in my intentions. It merely entertained me to torment Tevin.
As I mounted the stairs I heard Kelsy’s call. “Tev, baby. Is that you?”
With a change of direction, I navigated to her room. “No, Kels, it’s me.”
Kelsy was sitting up in bed, her
small frame swallowed up by the puffy, white comforter on the California King, television remote in hand as she switched channels. Her eyes circled when she saw me. “Sadie? What are you doing here? Where’s Tev?”
“He just left. Said he’ll be back in an hour.”
The light from the television blinked through the darkness of the air-conditioned room, and I wondered why Kelsy was still awake. “Why aren’t you asleep?”
She scrunched her face as if in agony. “Oh, I can’t. Not when Tevin’s out on the streets. I’m daunted that something bad will happen to him out there. He doesn’t know that I sit up at night and worry. Don’t tell him.”
“Maybe you should,” I told her, as I padded over to the bed. “He should be in bed with you.”
She made a childish moan. “How on earth do women marry cops and soldiers and firemen? Gosh, I’d worry myself to death!”
“Because they have the peace of knowing that their men are out there saving lives. Tev’s out there destroying lives, and goading that bitch Karma.”
Kelsy slid down onto her back, her eyes trained on the plaster of the ceiling. “Do you think he’ll ever give up his lifestyle?”
“That’s something you two need to talk about. Lay your cards on the table. Let him choose.”
Who am I to give advice? When my love life is…hell, I don’t even have one. My present had turned out to be my past. My past had come to my present. My present is my past and my past is—oh shit, now I’m going crazy.
We lay in silence for a few meditative minutes before Kelsy directed her gaze to me. “So what brought you here at this hour? Isn’t tomorrow your first day at GLFH?”
Before I could answer, Kelsy’s eyes widened as she said, “Oh no. Is this about Natalio?”
At the very mention of his name, my eyes misted and my lips trembled. My bones crumbled within. Tevin’s craziness had ceased my tears earlier, and brought laughs instead. But now I stared unblinking at a wide-eyed Kelsy until she was a blur. Then the sluice opened and hot tears gushed down my cheeks and onto my friend’s bosom as she took me in her arms.