Bastard

by J. L. Perry

  Indi hasn’t been that bad today. It’s one of the rare good ones. She slept for a few hours after we arrived home from the hospital, but she’s been awake ever since. She even managed to eat all her lunch and keep it down, which pleases me to no end.

  “Here you go, beautiful,” I say when I kneel down in front of her and place the plate on her lap. “Is there anything else I can get you before I leave?”

  “Nope, but thank you,” she replies as her shaky hand reaches out to caress my face.

  “I’m gonna have to get going. Mum’s appointment is at three. Your dad just called and he’s on his way home. He’s gonna sit with you until I get back.”

  “I don’t need babysitting, Carter. I’ll be fine until you get back,” she says with an eye roll. I love her sass.

  “I know, but I’d feel better knowing you’re not alone.” I lean forward and gently place my lips on hers. Ross knows where we’re going, but I’ve asked him not to tell Indiana. He needed to know because with mum and I both being away, someone had to be here for Indi just in case. I was also interested to hear his take on this. Unlike me, he thinks this meeting is a good idea. It’s easy for him to say, because he doesn’t know what went down all those years ago. “I love you,” I say as I stand.

  “I love you too. I hope your mum’s appointment goes well.” So do I. I smile down at her as my stomach starts to churn again at the thought of what I’m about to face.

  “Look after our girl,” I tell LJ as I reach down and run my hand over his fur.

  ••••

  No words are spoken on the drive to the house. My mum’s leg has been bouncing with nervous anticipation most of the way. The huge smile planted on her face tells me she’s excited for this reunion. Although I wish it wasn’t taking place, I find myself hoping, for her sake, that everything goes okay.

  I actually feel like I’m gonna be sick when we drive down the long circular driveway and come to a stop outside the house. It’s funny, after all these years I still remember what it looks like. I guess it was a poignant moment in my life, so I’m not surprised it stuck with me all this time. It’s the day my life changed forever. The day that cocksucker ruined me. I don’t want to go anywhere near that house. I’m regretting agreeing to come here, but on the other hand, I don’t want my mum to face this alone.

  When I turn off the ignition I have a sudden moment of panic. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Would you mind if I stayed in the car?” I say, turning my head to look at her.

  “What? No. Please, Carter. After what happened last time when we were here, I can understand that you’re apprehensive,” she replies reaching for my hand. “Do you really think I’d bring you back if I thought we’d get the same reception? That day still haunts me too. Don’t you think I saw how much you changed after that day? I’m your mother, Carter. Mother’s notice things like that. Not a moment has passed that I haven’t regretted putting you through that. I promise you things will be different this time. My mum is nothing like my father. She’s really looking forward to meeting you.” I exhale a large defeated breath.

  Why can’t I ever say no to this woman?

  She needs this, so I have to put all my shit aside and do it for her. She gave up everything when she found out she was pregnant with me. She could’ve aborted me and continued on with her life, with her family in this house. But she didn’t. If I can help her get a piece of her old self back, then I’d be a selfish fucker if I didn’t do this for her.

  Hesitantly, I get out of the car and walk around to open my mum’s door. I count the same five motherfucking steps in my head, just like I did when I was a kid. Instead of the excitement that consumed me all those years ago, I’m filled with dread.

  My stomach is churning when we stand in front of the big yellow door, except this time it doesn’t look so big. It’s just a regular door, and I fucking hate it. Hate it, and everything that lies behind it with a passion. So much so, I have to fight the urge to kick the living shit out of it. How can a person hate a damn door so much?

  Because it’s haunted my fucking dreams for the past nineteen years, that’s why.

  My mum’s hand rises in the air before her knuckles connect with the wood. She knocks twice. Her hand reaches for mine before giving it a comforting squeeze, except this time it’s anything but. Just like the previous time we were here, her head turns in my direction as she looks up at me and smiles. I’m no longer five, so now I tower over her tiny frame. This is déjà vu at its motherfucking worst. Christ, I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

  Both our hands are trembling as we await our fate. We don’t have to wait long. A minute later the door swings open. A frail, older version of my mum stands before us. I hold my breath as my heart pounds rapidly against my ribcage. I exhale when she briefly makes eye contact with my mum before launching herself into her arms.

  “My baby,” she cries. “I’ve waited way too long to see your beautiful face again.” She starts to sob as my mum engulfs her in her arms and starts to cry as well. A lump forms in my throat as I stand here and watch them together. Although I still wish I wasn’t here, my heart sings for my mum. This is the kind of reunion I guess she’d hope for when we came here all those years ago.

  Why I’m still expecting this meeting to turn sour when my grandmother notices me, I’m not sure. A few minutes later they release each other, and my grandmother takes a step back, cupping my mum’s face in her frail hands. “Let me look at you,” she says smiling widely. I notice she has kind eyes. They’re nothing like the mean ones my grandfather had. “You’re still as beautiful as I remember. I’ve missed you so much, Lizzy.” She leans forward and peppers tiny kisses all over her face.

  “I’ve missed you too Mumma,” my mum whispers as she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. “This is Carter,” she adds, and my grandmother’s gaze moves to me. “Your grandson.” I swear my heart stops beating when she tears her eyes away from my mum and looks up at me. Instead of the angry scowl my grandfather gave me when I was last here, she smiles a beautiful smile before wrapping her arms around my waist. I just stand there, unmoving. My arms are still planted by my side. I’m frozen.

  “I’ve been waiting twenty-four years to meet you,” she cries softly into my chest. “I’ve prayed for this day for so long. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about you—haven’t loved you.” The lump in my throat grows, and I have to fight back the tears that threaten to fall. She loves me.

  Although this is the kind of reunion I’d hoped for, no, dreamt about, for some reason I’m still sceptical. I’m still waiting for everything to turn ugly. “Let me look at you,” she says stepping back. “Look how handsome you are,” she smiles as her hand reaches up and gently caresses the side of my face. My mum was right … she’s nothing like my grandfather.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Indiana

  Once I eat as much fruit as I can stomach, I head to the bathroom to have a shower while my dad makes a start on dinner. I hate that I can’t help, but my stupid body is so weak from the treatment. It’s a struggle to stand on my feet for too long. I can’t wait until this is over and I can get back to normal. On a positive note, my headaches seem to have lessened, so it gives me hope that the treatment is working. I pray it is, because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

  I sit on the stupid plastic seat that my dad has placed in the shower recess. I fucking hate that I have to sit on this damn thing because I’m too weak to stand for that long. It makes me feel like some kind of invalid. In the beginning Carter helped me shower, but I soon put a stop to that. He’s been doing so much. So much. He never stops. If I can lighten his load in any way, I will.

  Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t seem to mind, but he’s taken on the world since offering to care for me during my treatment. He won’t let anyone help. I love that he wants to do this, and I’ll be forever grateful, but I can see it’s starting to take its toll on him as well. It worries me.

 
As I let the warm water cascade over my tired, aching body, he’s on my mind. He hasn’t been himself the past few days. Sure he plasters on a smile whenever he’s around me, but when he doesn’t realise I’m watching him, I clearly see the worry etched on his handsome face. I’m gonna have a heart-to-heart with him when he gets home.

  When I get out of the shower, I wrap myself in a towel and make my way into my bedroom. LJ follows close behind me. He was sitting outside the bathroom when I opened the door. He hasn’t left my side since the treatment started. I guess he can sense things aren’t right with me.

  Opening my underwear drawer, the first thing I see is a note sitting on top. Ugh! I can already tell by the handwriting it’s from Carter.

  I can and I will. YOU ARE MINE! If you want to get your rocks off, you know where to find me, beautiful!!!

  I should be pissed with him, but I’m not. Instead, I laugh. I don’t even need to look. I know my vibrator is gone. I miss being intimate with him so much. I know he thinks what he’s doing is for the best, maybe he’s right, but I need that connection with him again. I hate that we’re wasting time apart. We don’t know how much time we have left.

  When I’m dressed, I lie down on the bed. It shits me that a simple shower has drained me of all the energy I had. I want the old me back. I want to be well again.

  Cancer fucking sucks.

  ••••

  My eyes slowly open when I feel the bed dip and two strong arms wrap around me. He’s home. It brings a smile to my face. Rolling over to face him, I brush my lips against his when his beautiful chocolate eyes meet mine. “Hey, handsome,” I say smiling.

  “Hey, beautiful.” The breathtaking smile he gives me melts my heart. I love seeing him happy like this. Reaching up, I run my hand gently down the side of his face.

  “How did your mum’s appointment go?”

  “Well a lot better than I expected. I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily, but we actually went to see my grandmother.” What?

  “Shut up. You did not,” I screech. It’s not that I don’t believe him; I’m just shocked that’s all.

  “We did,” he chuckles. He goes to elaborate, but I cut him off.

  “What? How? And why is this the first I’m hearing of it?” I inquire, reaching over and pinching his side. I can’t believe he kept this from me.

  “Ouch,” he laughs, rubbing his ribcage. “If you let me get a word in, I’ll tell you. He turns over on his side so we’re facing each other, encircling his arm around my waist.

  He tells me everything. From the private investigator, to the uncertainty of going there, and the joy he felt when he was greeted with open arms. He looks so happy and carefree, like a huge weight has been lifted from him. It warms my heart.

  “My mum was right,” he continues. “She’s nothing like my grandfather. She had no idea that we’d come to the house all those years ago. My grandfather never told her. She was heartbroken when she found out.” I don’t say anything. I just listen. “I’ve never seen my mum so happy, Indi. She was beaming all the way home. You should’ve seen her.” I don’t need to. I bet it’s the same look I’m seeing right now on his face.

  “I’m so glad you all finally got to make peace with what happened,” I say, cupping his cheek in my hand. “Are you going to see her again?”

  “Of course,” he replies without hesitation. “She wants to meet you too. You’re going to love her, babe. She’s just like an older version of my mum. She’s so sweet.” I smile as I lean forward and place my lips on his. The pure excitement in his voice is infectious. I’m thrilled this has happened. I know what his grandfather did, has haunted him for the last nineteen years. I hope this meeting has given him some kind of peace. He deserves that. He’s carried the scars of that day around for too long.

  “I can’t wait to meet her too,” I tell him, because I can’t.

  ••••

  By the time we arrive back at Newcastle Thursday afternoon, I’m feeling dreadful. Yesterday was a good day, but today is certainly making up for it. I usually sleep on my way up here, but we had to pull over seven times so I could be sick. Well, dry reach, because that’s about all I did. I lost the contents of my stomach before we even left Sydney.

  Carter is almost beside himself by the time we arrive. The worry he bears is clearly written all over his face. “I think I’m gonna get Justine to cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the afternoon,” he says when he carries me into the bedroom. I hate that he has to carry me everywhere. Today I’m probably too weak to walk up those stairs, but even when I’m not he insists on doing it.

  “No you’re not,” I snap in a tone that lets him know I mean business. It’s time for a little tough love. “Stop being ridiculous. I’ll be fine on my own. You’ve lost enough work because of me. I won’t stand for …” Before I get a chance to finish, he starts to laugh. “What’s so funny?” I ask narrowing my eyes.

  “You,” he chuckles, leaning forward to plant a soft kiss on my nose. “I love your spunk. I’ve missed it.” His light-heartedness softens me straight away.

  “Please don’t cancel your appointments,” I plead, softening my voice. “Honestly, I’ll be fine.”

  After he lies me down on the bed and fusses over me for a few minutes, he leaves to go downstairs. It doesn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep.

  I’m awoken a few hours later when he comes up to check on me. He brings me a plate of dry crackers and some juice, since that’s all I’m going to be able to stomach. I manage to force a couple down while Carter takes LJ to the grass area out back to do his business.

  “Please try and eat a little more than that,” he says with a furrowed brow when he comes back upstairs. I roll my eyes. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes he makes me feel like a child. I wish I didn’t feel so sick. Of course I’d eat more if I didn’t. After sitting on the side of the bed, he forces a few more biscuits into me before he leaves.

  When the nausea takes hold again, I lie back down, hoping my stomach will settle while I sleep. I’m not sure how long I’m out for, but when I wake the urge to vomit is strong. Dragging myself out of bed, I head towards the bathroom. I have to use the wall for support because I’m feeling dizzy and unsteady on my feet.

  I hug the bowl for the longest time. What little food I managed to get down before is now gone. I use the vanity to help me stand. I feel dreadful. Going back to bed would be the wise thing to do, but a warm shower may help.

  After brushing my teeth, I strip and make my way into the shower recess. Sitting on the damn chair that Carter and my dad insist I use, I turn on the taps. The warm water flowing over my skin feels wonderful. It’s just what my aching muscles need.

  I’m already feeling marginally better by the time I turn the water off. Somewhat human anyway. When I stand though, another wave of dizziness hits. The smart thing to do would be to sit back down, but all I want is to dry off and climb back into bed.

  Stepping out of the shower, my shaky hand reaches for the towel. I barely get a chance to wrap it around me when the realisation that I’m going to pass out hits. Thinking fast, I turn with the intent of making my way towards the toilet so I can sit down. I don’t make it. I fall forward, just as everything goes black.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Carter

  I’m in the middle of a job when I hear the first bark. Occasionally LJ barks throughout the day, but not often. Sometimes it’s when he wants to go outside, which I know isn’t the case because he went out not so long ago. Other times, it’s when he sees someone walking down the street through the lounge room window, but today the blinds are drawn. I did that because the bright light seems to make Indiana’s headaches worse.

  Instantly it has me on edge. When the barking continues, I have to excuse myself. “I’m sorry mate, but I just need to go and check on something.” Thankfully my client is a regular and doesn’t seem to mind.

  In my gut, I have a feelin
g that something isn’t right. Racing down the corridor and out the side door, I take the steps two at a time. “Indi,” I call out as soon as I enter the apartment. Nothing. When I hear LJ’s bark grow more desperate, I head in that direction.

  Rounding the corner I find him standing on his hind legs, frantically scratching on the bathroom door. My heart drops into the pit of my stomach. “Indi,” I call out again as I rush forward. Still no answer. My hand reaches for the doorknob. Thank fuck it isn’t locked.

  I fling it open in a panic. “Indiana.” I swear my heart stops beating and all the air leaves my body when I see her lying face down on the tiled floor. My knees buckle from beneath me. Immediately I think the worst for some reason. I guess because she has a life threatening illness. Quickly I approach.

  Falling to my knees the first thing I do is feel for a pulse. Thank fuck, she’s alive. “Indi,” I say shaking her. I gently roll her over, placing her head on my lap. Instantly she starts to come to. Relief floods through me. That is until I see the blood trickling down her neck. Moving my head forward, I see a gash just under her chin. She must’ve hit it when she fell.

  “Indi … Indi, it’s me … Carter. Talk to me, babe.”

  “Carter,” she moans as her eyes flutter open. Thank Christ.

  “You’re going to be okay,” I say reassuringly as I lift her into my arms and stand. Walking briskly into the bedroom, I gently lay her on the bed.

  “Carter,” she moans again and tries to sit up.

  “Don’t move, baby. Everything is going to be alright.” I gently stroke her hair trying and soothe her. Reaching for her phone on the bedside table, I dial downstairs. “Justine, it’s Carter. Indi’s had a fall. Call an ambulance.”