Redemption

by Brent, Amy

  Mom turned around while she walked down the pathway. “Give me a call if you need me, and keep me updated,” she said. I nodded and closed the door as she stepped onto the sidewalk.

  I walked back inside to find Lindsey walking toward the stairs. She stopped and turned. “I’d better go as well,” she said.

  “You don’t have to,” I replied.

  “I think it’s for the best.”

  I watched her climb the stairs and vanish around the corner to the bedroom. She was very off and appeared strange.

  Is it Mom, or is it Jacob?

  I literally had no idea why she’d gotten so weird. I knew it could make her uncomfortable, the whole having Jacob around. It wasn’t so long ago when she found out I had a child, never mind sharing her breakfast with him.

  And then there was Mom. Lindsey was no stranger to her, but she’d clammed up when she’d arrived. It felt strange and wasn’t a scenario I had any idea about controlling. Men being men didn’t have the same natural insight like women, and if they did, they’d still come up with a very different reading about the situation.

  Lindsey came back down the stairs. She was dressed in a pair of jeans, a fresh tee, and had makeup on. She headed toward the door, and I trailed behind like a lamb, again. I opened the door and held it open as she stepped outside.

  “I’ll call you,” she said under her breath.

  Lindsey turned and walked down the path to her car, she had her hands stuffed into her pockets. She never stopped and never looked back while I hovered in the doorway. I could hear Jacob calling me.

  I sighed and watched my breath cloud as it rose up in front of me.

  I’m fucked if I know what’s going on.

  Lindsey

  I began erecting the easels for the Monday morning painting class. I’d always found this to be one of the best things to calm the clients after a full weekend of being on their own. No matter how well they did in the previous week’s classes, thoughts always managed to creep back into their mind before the next round. I knew that; because since I’d left Ben’s place, my head was full of my own thoughts. I might consider some painting too, just to help clear myself.

  “Where do you want these?” Nicole asked.

  She walked into the classroom with an arm full of painting boxes and two fistfuls of brushes. I said she didn’t need to bring it all in one go, and she commented that there was another batch to bring in. She placed them on the table, and I dished the boxes out to each easel while she vanished again into the storeroom. It was peaceful, and I stood by the window while I placed the last box by an easel. The wind wasn’t too bad like it was over the weekend. However, the tops of the trees still swayed. I turned when I heard Nicole's footsteps walking into the art room. She gazed at me over the tops of the boxes while I took the brushes from her fingers.

  “You seem slightly subdued this morning; did you have a rough weekend?”

  I raised my head and grinned. I told her I stayed at home all day yesterday, and that it was Saturday morning which had played on my mind for the rest of the weekend.

  Nicole, my shoulder to cry on, was frowning. “What happened on Saturday morning?”

  I finished placing the boxes and slipped into one of the chairs at the side of the room. I sighed and began telling her the weird situation I went through.

  “It all started right as rain. Ben was awake before me, and I was wrapped in his arms when I woke up.”

  “Early morning sex?” Nicole asked.

  “Very freakin’ far from it.” I chuckled, and my mind flashed back to me cupping and hiding my breasts. It also flashed to Ben hiding his cock, and that was it, any thought of early morning sex out of the window. “He cooked breakfast.”

  “He’s crap at cooking. What did he do, burn the toast?”

  “You’re joking, Nicole. Ben’s always been a great cook. One of his hidden talents.”

  “You should tell me more about his other hidden talents. They sound nice and juicy, compared to plain old toast.”

  “Is sex all you can think of at this time of day?”

  Nicole smiled and raised her eyebrows. It was evident she had sex on the brain again. She must’ve had a quiet weekend also. She sat in the chair next to me and leaned on her knees with her elbows. If she wanted to hear some juicy gossip, she was barking up the wrong therapist’s tree. I had nothing scandalous to talk about, and it was as much a tale of woe as anything.

  “We sat eating breakfast, and it was all fine until there was a knock at the door. Ben was in the process of making another coffee when he went and answered it.” I fidgeted in my chair once I began to feel uncomfortable again, from just thinking about it.

  Where are those damn paintbrushes? I want to paint something relaxing.

  “And? Lindsey, spit it out. Who was at the door, and don’t tell me it was his ex?” I shook my head and explained I’d stayed over Friday which was obvious as he’d cooked breakfast. “The knock at the door was his mom and his child. She brought Jacob home earlier than expected.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  I pulled my brow tight between my eyes. What’s wrong with it? I’m crap around kids. “I froze. Jacob waltzed around and checked every drawer to see if there was anything for him. He then headed in my direction, and I felt my skin tighten,” I remarked, as goose bumps filled my arms. I rubbed my hands against them to get them to vanish. “Look, it’s freaking me out right now.”

  Nicole rubbed her hand up my arm to help get rid of my goose bumps.

  “What happened? He didn’t call you Mom, did he?” Nicole smirked, and I could’ve slapped her for being too bloody humorous.

  “It might’ve been easier on me if he had. He pulled Ben’s chair from under the table and climbed up. He leaned on the table and pointed at my piece of bacon. He demanded my last piece of bacon.” I ran my fingers through my hair and pushed it over my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if the heating was on or if I still felt warm from torment.

  “You look flushed,” Nicole commented. “That last piece of bacon must’ve been so tasty if it’s what upset you.”

  “Will you leave out the damned jokes? I'm deadly serious here!” I tightened my lips in what must’ve appeared to be a thin red line sitting across my face. Nicole apologized, and I carried on explaining to her how Ben and his mom had whispered in the kitchen as they’d both kept looking at me. “I bowed my head, kept quiet and munched on my toast the best I could while Jacob sat there munching on crispy bacon. I don’t think I’ve had a kid so close to me for so long. I didn’t know what to do.”

  Nicole chortled. She let me know in a dull and flat tone I was being completely stupid. I had a tiny phobia of kids which was understandable; after all, none of them were mine.

  Like I’m going to be a good mom. “You’re reading too much into the situation.”

  “You’re—” I looked toward the art room door in case any clients arrived and were hovering, waiting for us to finish talking. “You’re fucking kidding me! How can I be reading too much into the situation?”

  Nicole sighed. She took hold of my hand and stroked the back of it. “Lindsey, you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. But sometimes you should practice what you preach on yourself.” Her thumb ran over the tiny bumps of my veins. “You’re not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of women who think they’d be crap with kids and no good as a mother. If you read some of the books in your office, you’d know this,” she explained.

  How does she know I don’t read half the books I own?

  “It’s a fact that women who think they won’t be a good mom, well, more often than not, they turn out to be a great mom. And they go on to have more than one kid.”

  “Are you serious?”

  Nicole smiled a grimace. “The good mom bit, yeah! The more than one kid was BS.” She sat up straight and gave me a serious smile. “You’re actually a natural with people. That’s half the reason you’re a therapist. Kids are no different. You only
have to let them get closer to you, and you’d see they just want to love you.”

  “Are you talking BS again?” Nicole shook her head and commented that it was the truth. She also looked at me stupidly because something like that had freaked me out for the entire rest of the weekend. “That wasn’t all of it. Ben’s mom.”

  I phrased it wrong, and Nicole took advantage of my slip. “What, Ben’s mom stole some of your breakfast?”

  I give up; it’s like talking to a brick wall!

  “No! It was the way she kept looking over her shoulder when she was talking about me,” I remarked, nervously. “I think she hates me.” Nicole stood and pushed her chair against the wall. She stood and turned to walk away from me. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going to get today’s registration sheet, and I’m adding your name to the list. I’ll run the classes by myself today because your freakin’ screwed in the head.”

  “I’ll be fine. I only need some reassurance, and who best to give it to me than you. You’re more worldly wise than I am.”

  I pondered over the real reason why I appeared to be away with the fairies. I’d admittedly freaked when Jacob approached me, and the way Ben’s mom left without so much as a goodbye seemed weird to me. It was strange, and all I could imagine was her telling him to never see that stupid girl again. Even at his age, moms were moms. I knew they’d never stop giving parental advice.

  I pushed my chair back against the wall as the first clients arrived and took their places in the room. Nicole began taking attendance, and I mentioned the clients could start painting when they wanted because there was no reason to wait until all the others arrived.

  I sat behind my desk and doodled. I hadn’t wronged Ben in the past, and I still felt for him so much, even though I wasn’t guilty. My heartstrings were tugged until they pinged and snapped from all the years we’d been separated. Worst of all, though; I had no idea how to act now that we’d been together a few times. Was I supposed to mention the past? It might push him over the edge; he is, after all, raising Jacob. Or should I ignore it and let things go in their own natural flow?

  Nicole was right again, much the same as every other time. In fact, she was always right when it came to matters of the heart, and more often than not, it took me time to realize it. Nicole approached with the registration sheet and mentioned we were only waiting for three to arrive. I nodded as I glanced through the names.

  “Hey, teach,” Nicole muttered so none of the class could hear. “Are you feeling better?”

  I lifted my head from the paper and looked into Nicole’s eyes. “I feel like a freakin’ idiot, and not for only the weekend. For all of it.”

  “Ah! Love’s a strange thing. It even makes people who have problems of the heart start a therapy camp to get over their own.”

  “You think I did all this because of Ben?”

  Well, knock me over with a feather. Nicole, I don’t want to admit it, but you might be right.

  I put the folder on the desk. “He hasn’t contacted me since Saturday. He must have a really convoluted impression of me now.”

  “Teach, there’s only one solution for you. I can see you’ve got it bad, and if you have real feelings for him, you need to tell him why you got freaked out.”

  Nicole started to exit the room. I couldn’t end the conversation there. I stood and said to the class to carry on as they were. I stepped into the hallway as the final three arrived. I told them to tick the attendance sheet and carry on with their paintings. Nicole waited as the three women went into the room.

  I held her arm. “I don’t know if I can. And I’m not sure if I have deep feelings like that any longer,” I said. I think I lied to myself.

  “Well, you’ve got to do something, and you need to do it quickly before you become a wreck. You don’t stop dating for six years for no reason.”

  Damn, you’re good Nicole.

  I listened to what she said, and it all made sense to her. Nothing made sense to me, which was half my problem. My brain was pure mush.

  “This all goes back to six years ago. How the hell can I turn the clock back?” I asked.

  Nicole looked at me and stared. “Who mentioned anything about turning the clock back? Lindsey, you can never go back,” she replied.

  I stood as confused as I’d ever been. “Yeah, but we’ve both got issues. Past issues from way back, when it all went wrong. We’ve never worked our way through them,” I replied.

  Nicole grinned. “I’ve only got one thing to say,” she replied. She laughed. “You’re both a pair of fucking idiots!”

  “Gee thanks.”

  “I’ll bill you later, go and paint something exotic.”

  “Nicole, you are so cheeky.”

  “You love me!” she exclaimed.

  “I’m beginning to rethink that,” I answered.

  Ben

  I felt good during the morning setup. Paul had been talking about Shelley, and I was beginning to wonder if he saw something more in her. You know, more than just dating BS, and all the crap that went with it. Not that I hated dating, I didn't. But the extra effort you needed to make could be annoying if you were tired, or if you'd had an exhausting week. Chocolates, flowers, a gazillion I love you—it was all great until reality hit and the love bubble wore off. You had to come back down to earth sometime. But he was high as a kite, singing as he placed the mats down. He sounded icky.

  With Lindsey, I always felt the love bubble, and the only crucial annoyance was the cheating thing. It was her word against my belief about the whole damn thing. It was a belief that I'd locked into my entire being and let remain there like the core of the earth. And, in my case, it was unmovable unless an earthquake shook it up.

  But, I would need to decide, once and for all, what I was going to do. I needed to either believe her and try, or I could stay in my mindset that I'd kept for over half a decade. And whatever I did, it would affect the rest of my life. I couldn't hold onto my steadfast belief in her guilt if we continued seeing one another. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. I was mad at myself for not believing her because, in truth, her actions had shown me that she was an honest individual. I mean, why the fuck would she help others like she did and behave so professionally? It didn't exactly cry out “scoundrel” or “cheater.” I still never came to my own conclusion, even after all that time had passed. In the end, I'd have to either take her word for it or walk away from any relationship with her. That would be the final decision if I ever made one.

  I was interrupted by Jet, one of my recruits. He was walking toward the canopy before the first lesson in self-defense was about to begin for the day. He was built like a brick, and I hadn't spent a lot of time with him, one on one.

  “Hey, I was wondering why we have to do this self-defense bullshit. I mean, I get that some of the others might need it, but I reckon we should spend ninety percent of our time doing the survival stuff. It's way more beneficial.”

  I was kinda taken back by his assertion. I'd dealt with guys like him before. They had their agenda, and everyone else's could go and swim in the metaphorical lake for all they cared.

  “Hi, Jet, isn't it?” I asked, making sure he knew I was placing the importance on him. Guys like these needed their egos boosted; they didn't know any other way.

  “Yeah, that's my name. Jet Holdstock.”

  “Well, hi. I know it might seem like a drag, especially if you know some of it already, but practicing it is important so your reactions are automatic. And I think you'll find that it's a needed skill. This is especially helpful when we start the survival activities. At the end of the day, we need to know self-defense if we're attacked while trying to survive. I mean, survival’s great, but you need to be able to defend yourself as well.” It was clear this guy had an agenda of survival, as opposed to needing or wanting to learn self-defense.

  “Do I look like I need to learn how to defend myself?” he asked. His face was looking more-than-annoyed, and I saw the class abou
t to start with Paul, underneath the canopy.

  “Look, if you don't want to do it, I can't make you. I understand that your interest lies in the survival part of the camp, but to pass this certificate, you'll need to do the whole thing. In fact, it’s structured to complement the other sections.”

  A pout crossed his face, but I think he understood. I knew he was pissed at having to take part in the self-defense classes, and if he had an open mind, he might even learn something he didn't know already. He said nothing more and then jogged over to meet the others, and Paul began teaching the lesson. I hoped he would change his tune and put the effort in to get the full benefit out of the course. Self-defense was something everyone needed, the feeling of knowing what to do in a dire situation. The maneuvers we taught were for different scenarios and worked for both sexes in circumstances that could occur in real life. Paul and I had thought long and hard about each class we taught to our recruits, and it was important that all our recruits realized the seriousness of what they were being taught. You could hurt someone with the moves learned, but they were only to be used in a self-defense situation when you had no choice. In fact, a part of our camp’s course had a group session on this very issue, on realizing that actions had consequences. It was a big part of the knowledge basis given.

  I joined the others and saw Lindsey there with about nine women. She looked amazing in her peach tee which enveloped her breasts in a more-than-perfect way. She wore tight navy leggings, and her hair was tied up in a cute ponytail. She looked so good. Delicious.

  I eventually partnered up with a woman named Shirley. She was shy and tried her hardest to execute the combinations we’d learned. I noticed that Lindsey was paired with Jet, who seemed to have changed his tune on the whole subject of self-defense, enjoying his time with the fun version of her. From the corner of my eye, I watched her when I could; she looked gorgeous as she moved. I think she might have changed Jet's opinion on the class. He looked as if he was enjoying himself—a bit too much, actually.