The Secret History of the Pink Carnation

by Lauren Willig

  ‘Oh,’ I said in a small voice. Maybe champagne didn’t completely dull one’s ability to feel like an idiot.

  ‘Second,’ he began, ‘I never—’ but I was spared the second blow to my ego. Someone tugged at Colin’s elbow, causing him to break off mid-sentence. We both looked over sharply. It was Serena.

  ‘Colin?’ she said in a piteous little croak, ‘I don’t feel very well.’

  Colin’s expression immediately switched to affectionate concern. He put a protective arm around her shoulders. ‘Do you want me to take you home?’

  I stood back, feeling like the proverbial third wheel. Colin’s attention was focused completely on Serena, his blond head bent attentively towards her dark one. I watched the way his brows drew together in concern, the way his bent body shielded her from the jostling crowds, and felt an emptiness in the pit of my stomach that had nothing to do with skipping dinner.

  I knew exactly what it was, and I was too champagne soaked to lie to myself about it.

  I was jealous.

  It wasn’t that I wanted Colin Selwick, I assured myself. Good heavens, no! I wanted what he stood for. I wanted someone who would drop a conversation when I appeared, who would worry if I said I felt sick, who would automatically shield me from being jostled without even stopping to think about it. It had been a very long time since anyone had taken care of me like that.

  You learn how to work around it. You make sure you never drink so much that you can’t get home on your own. You mark out friends you can rely on. You program emergency numbers into your cell phone, bring Band-Aids in your bag, and always carry extra money for late-night cabs. But it’s not the same. I envied Serena that.

  At the moment, she wasn’t looking particularly enviable. She sagged against Colin, both arms wrapped around her stomach.

  ‘Look, why don’t I go find a cab?’ Colin suggested desperately. ‘I’ll just go—’

  Serena shook her head. ‘I don’t—’ she began, and then pressed her lips tightly together. Her face had gone from pale to an alarming greenish colour. ‘I think I’m going to—’ She clamped her knuckles over her mouth and swallowed hard.

  ‘Oh, hell. Um…’ Colin cast a look of complete panic around the room. ‘There must be a loo somewhere.’

  ‘I’ll take her.’ I stepped in, slipping an arm through Serena’s. ‘I think I saw one just over that way.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Colin said with palpable relief. ‘I’ll just be out here.’

  Taking Serena by the arm, I steered her towards the ladies’ room, rudely pushing through chattering groups of people. I got Serena to the bathroom just in the nick of time. There was a line, of course, but we pushed past, Serena’s greenish complexion and hunched posture doing more to explain than I could.

  There was a huffy ‘Well!’ from one woman in the queue, but I noticed she moved her Manolo Blahniks quickly out of the potential line of fire.

  As I had for drunken roommates back in college, I knelt behind Serena with one arm around her shoulders, the other holding her long, dark hair back from her face, while I murmured silly, soothing things, like, ‘That’s right, get it all out,’ and ‘Don’t worry, it’s all OK, you’ll feel better in a minute, just get it all out.’

  There was an awful lot to get out.

  Between bouts, she looked up at me with tearstained eyes. ‘I’m so embarrassed,’ she murmured. ‘I can’t imagine why… I only had one glass… I don’t usually…’ And she lurched back over the porcelain goddess.

  ‘There, there.’ I recaptured some escaping strands of dark hair. ‘Don’t worry. Maybe it was something you ate. Trust me, no one will think the worse of you. At least you made it to the toilet,’ I said encouragingly. ‘I once threw up all over an ex-boyfriend’s shoes.’

  A giggle emerged from the depths of the toilet bowl.

  I gathered up a handful of toilet paper as she settled back on her haunches, and handed it to her in lieu of tissues. ‘Unfortunately, he was a rather nice ex-boyfriend, so I can’t even claim it was done in revenge.’ I kept my tone deliberately light as I funnelled her tissues. ‘And they were new shoes, too.’

  ‘Wha-what did he say?’ Serena ventured, blowing her nose.

  ‘He was very nice about my throwing up on him,’ I recalled. ‘What he found harder to forgive was my pointing at his shoes and bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Ah, well. Feeling better?’

  Serena nodded tentatively.

  I hauled myself to my feet with the help of the toilet paper dispenser, and held out a hand to her. ‘Why don’t we go rinse your mouth out then, and I should have some mints in my bag…’ Fumbling in my little Coach bag, I pushed open the door of the stall with one shoulder, ignoring the glares of the women waiting outside. It’s an endless mystery to me the way lipsticks, hairbrushes, and mints can all find places to hide in a bag two inches tall by four inches long.

  Feeling a light touch on my arm, I looked up inquiringly.

  ‘Thank you,’ Serena said softly. Her mascara had run, and her nose was red, but her eyes were clearer and some colour had returned to her cheeks. ‘You really have been lovely.’

  I shook my head, resuming my mint search. ‘It’s really not a big deal. We’ve all been here. Well, not here, in particular, but you know what I mean. Mint?’ I shook two tiny little Certs into my hand and held them out to Serena.

  ‘Thank you.’ She leant over the sink, splashing cold water on her face. I handed her a paper towel. ‘About yesterday,’ she said hesitantly, taking the paper towel and dabbing at her damp face, ‘I’ve been wanting to apologise.’

  ‘You had nothing to apologise for,’ I said firmly. Except for owning nicer boots than mine, but I decided to keep that bit to myself.

  ‘Colin was impossibly rude.’

  That I could agree with. Emphatically. I wondered if he’d told her of our midnight chat in the kitchen. I smiled noncommittally and handed her my mini mascara.

  ‘He really isn’t usually like that,’ she continued anxiously, her large, hazel eyes following mine in the mirror. I’d seen eyes of that same colour before recently, but couldn’t peg where. ‘He felt awful about it afterwards.’

  I admired her loyalty, but had little interest in hearing an apologia for Colin Selwick.

  ‘I think we’re being glared at,’ I put in quickly. ‘If you’re feeling better, we should probably free up the mirror space.’

  Gathering up my toiletries, I hustled Serena out of the bathroom. Colin and Pammy were waiting for us by the door. I handed Serena over to Colin, who helped her into her coat, and asked the bouncer to whistle for a cab. As Serena said her goodbyes to Pammy, Colin turned slightly so that he and I were blocked off from the other two.

  ‘It was very kind of you to take care of Serena,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Just polishing my halo,’ I proclaimed with a cavalier wave that nearly sent me toppling over. Two hours of sleep plus four – or was it five? – glasses of champagne were taking their toll.

  Colin grabbed my elbow. ‘Steady there. Are you sure you don’t need someone to take care of you?’

  It had definitely been five glasses of champagne. Smiling, Colin looked just like he did in the photograph on Mrs Selwick-Alderly’s mantel – only without the horse. I pressed my eyes briefly shut to make the world stop spinning and shook my head. ‘Nope. I’m absolutely all right. Not a bit’ – I had to fling a hand out for balance as he let go – ‘unsteady.’

  ‘Right,’ Colin agreed with unconcealed amusement. I made a concerted effort to stand up straighter. The laugh lines at the corners of Colin’s mouth deepened. Taking a step back, Colin slung an arm around Serena’s shoulder. ‘Ready, Serena?’ She nodded, snuggling trustingly against his shoulder. ‘We could drop you off home if you like,’ he suggested to me.

  My champagne buzz was wearing off, leaving me feeling tired, and mildly ill.

  ‘No, thanks,’ I said brightly, snatching up a glass of champagne I had absolutely no intention of drinking
and holding it aloft. ‘I’m sticking around with Pammy. The night is young! Right, Pams?’

  Pammy gave me a you-are-a-great-big-weirdo look. ‘Sure, Ellie.’

  ‘In that case’ – Colin steered Serena towards the door – ‘good night.’

  He was probably relieved to have to deal with only one wobbly female, and afraid I was going to change my mind.

  ‘Good night, Eloise,’ murmured Serena, peering around his arm. ‘Thank you, again.’

  I watched them disappear behind the red ropes, the unwanted glass of champagne hanging heavily in my hand.

  Pammy stared at Colin’s back as he helped Serena into the cab. ‘I don’t remember Serena’s brother being quite that hot.’

  I pivoted to face her. ‘Who?’ I demanded.

  ‘Serena’s brother,’ Pammy repeated. ‘You know, tall, blond guy, English-sounding name – Cedric, or Cecil, or…’

  ‘Colin.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s it. He’s got much better looking.’

  ‘Her brother.’

  ‘No, the Pope. Of course I meant her brother. Poor Serena,’ Pammy rattled on, ‘she had a bad break up last month, so her brother’s been keeping an eye on her. She told me about it while you were off whispering with him. What were you guys talking about over there, anyway, Ellie? Ellie? Yoo-hoo! Earth to Ellie! Are you OK? You look a little out of it.’

  My eyes remained trained on the doorway, where Colin – and his sister – had exited a moment before.

  ‘Out of it does not even begin to describe it,’ I said grimly.

  Chapter Thirty

  The Purple Gentian, blissfully unaware of the creation of a rival flower, bounded joyously up the steps of his town house, flinging open the front door without waiting for Stiles to get there first. All the way home, he had savoured the memory of Amy’s face as he had kissed her hand goodbye. He had lingered happily over the confused pleasure in her eyes as he whistled through the Tuilleries garden, and he had grinned over her slightly parted lips as he evaded the slops a brawny maid was tossing from an upper window. Operation Charm Amy was going splendidly, he gloated to himself as he strode into his front hall and tossed his hat onto the front hall table.

  There was only one slight problem.

  The front hall table wasn’t there. Or if it was, he couldn’t see it. His foyer was entirely filled with piles of bandboxes and his…

  ‘Mother?’

  Richard blinked once, then twice. His mother was still there.

  ‘Oh, hello, darling.’ His mother waved a hand at him in greeting before returning to harassing his butler. ‘Now let’s get this straight. Those two hatboxes go in the front bedroom, and the large trunk goes in—’

  Stiles emitted one of his theatrical groans. Richard envied him that.

  ‘Urn, Mother?’

  ‘Yes, dear?’ His mother thrust another hatbox on the pile Stiles was already holding. ‘Oh do stop whining! You have the build of a man half your age.’

  ‘He is half his age,’ Richard said dryly. ‘Mother, what are you doing here?’

  He’d meant the question to come out calmly, but his voice reverted to somewhere preadolescent on the last word.

  ‘Oh, how silly of me!’ Stiles took advantage of Lady Uppington’s momentary distraction to scuttle behind the pile of luggage. The marchioness beamed at her son. ‘We came to help you, of course!’

  Richard’s head reeled, and he sat down rather abruptly on a huge trunk, into which, by the size of it, his mother had packed a full silver service, two wardrobes, and perhaps a footman or two. Or at least her shoe collection.

  Richard tackled the most pressing question first. ‘What do you mean by we?’

  ‘They were here a moment ago.’ His mother peered at the mountain of baggage as though expecting half of Debrett’s Peerage to pop out. ‘I suppose Geoff must have taken them into the drawing room. Your father is here, of course. It’s been so long since he and I have been to Paris together.’ The marchioness smiled mistily. ‘You came along after our last trip to Paris, dear.’

  ‘Mother!’ Richard yelped.

  What deity had he offended? Maybe there was something to all of those rumours about curses on those who profaned the tombs of the pharaohs.

  Taking pity on her son, who had gone red straight up to the tips of his ears, Lady Uppington informed him, ‘Henrietta’s here too. A little continental polish will be just the thing to set her off for her next season.’

  Lady Uppington might have said more, but her words were abruptly truncated by the cacophony of several loud thumps, an ear-curdling shriek of rage (which Richard was able to identify as part of Stiles’s King Lear impersonation), and a hearty masculine yelp.

  Richard frowned. ‘That does not sound like Henrietta.’

  ‘Well, no. We also brought along—’

  ‘Hullo, Richard!’ Miles bounded around the pile of boxes, pushing a floppy lock of blond hair out of his eyes. ‘Why does your butler hate me?’

  ‘Don’t flatter yourself. He hates everyone.’ Richard turned to look at his mother. ‘Is there anyone else you brought who you’d like to warn me about? Great-aunt Hyacinth? The underfootman from Uppington House?’

  ‘Always happy to see you, too, old chap.’ Miles whacked Richard on the shoulder. ‘Stop grousing and come along. Geoff’s got tea and crumpets for all of us in the drawing room.’

  Richard scowled at the back of Miles’s head as he followed him into the drawing room.

  Henrietta stood on tiptoe to press a quick kiss to Richard’s cheek. ‘I’m sorry, Richard,’ she whispered. ‘I know I should have tried to stop them.’

  ‘Thanks, Hen.’ Richard squeezed his sister’s shoulders.

  ‘But, well, I rather wanted to see Paris, so…’ Henrietta shrugged apologetically.

  ‘Thanks,’ Richard repeated dourly. ‘Thanks a lot.’

  Hen covered her mouth with her hand and retreated to her chair. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Is that picture crooked?’ Lady Uppington bounced into the room behind Richard and moved the simpering Watteau shepherdess above the settee a fraction to the left. ‘Really, Richard, I don’t understand how you young men manage to live in such a state of chaos. Dirty cravats under the settee, empty brandy glasses on the table, and is that a piece of cheese under Henrietta’s chair?’

  With a swish of petticoats, Henrietta expeditiously relocated to the settee.

  Lady Uppington shook her head and straightened another picture. ‘I’ll talk to the maids after we’ve had our tea.’

  ‘I’m assuming you haven’t come all this way to supervise my housekeeping.’

  ‘That would be silly, wouldn’t it?’ replied Lady Uppington tartly. ‘Oh, do sit down, Richard. You’re making me dizzy prowling about in circles like that. It’s like watching one of the lions in the Tower.’

  Richard felt a great deal of sympathy for the Tower menagerie as he flung himself into a chair, which, of course, promptly skidded back a good six inches. His mother watched him indulgently. Empathy for the animals in the Tower might be more like it. Richard loved his mother; he would be the last to deny that. She was a very paragon of a mother, and he was awfully glad he had been born to her and not some other woman and so on and so on and so on. But at the age of twenty-seven, you would think one deserved a certain amount of privacy, wouldn’t you? He was sure he had to be the only agent operating in France – or England or Russia or the farthest wilds of the Americas – whose mother showed up at random on his doorstep. It just wasn’t right.

  ‘As soon as you left, I started thinking…’ began Lady Uppington.

  ‘They do that, you know,’ Richard’s father observed from the safety of his chair.

  Lady Uppington swatted him, a gesture more symbolic than practical, as the marquess was seated a good three feet out of range. ‘As I was saying,’ she continued, with a pointed look at her spouse, ‘after some thought, your father and I decided that your mission would go much faster if we came over and helped you.’<
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  Richard swung around to glare at his father. Making little pointing gestures at his wife, Lord Uppington affected an expression of innocence. Richard wasn’t fooled. His father had been angling to be involved in his missions for years. Hell, he was worse than his mother. Richard looked hard at Lord Uppington. Being a peer of the realm, a man of dignity and substance, master of four estates and hundreds of dependents, Lord Uppington did not blush or squirm. He did, however, discover a sudden deep interest in the folds of his cravat.

  ‘Help me.’ Richard repeated. ‘Mother—’

  Just when he thought nothing worse could happen, just as he was about to tackle the catastrophe at hand, another disaster erupted.

  Miles leapt up from his chair next to Geoff and hooted, ‘Richard’s in love!’

  All activity in the room drew to an abrupt close. Geoff’s teacup halted guiltily in between the table and his mouth. Henrietta dropped her biscuit. His mother stopped straightening the pictures on the walls. His father looked up from his cravat.

  ‘In love!’ Lady Uppington opened her mouth in a delighted O. ‘Oh, Richard!’

  ‘Miles, blast you! I am not in – urgh!’ Richard emitted a strangled noise.

  His mother tugged at his arm. ‘Darling, how wonderful! Who is she?’

  Richard shrugged away. ‘But I just said – argh!’

  Miles nodded sagely, a great, big, infuriating grin spreading across his face. ‘Yes. Clearly a victim of Cupid’s amorous dar – oof! You know, throwing that cushion at me just proves my point. What do you say, Henrietta?’

  ‘Henrietta,’ Richard pronounced chillingly, ‘is not going to say anything at all. Not if she doesn’t want to be bodily lifted onto the next packet for Dover.’

  Henrietta’s mouth snapped shut.

  Miles, too large to lift, was less easily silenced.

  ‘I, for one, want to meet this paragon,’ Miles announced. He struck a lovesick pose and strummed a chord on an invisible lute. ‘Does she have a balcony under which we might stand and call for her? Oh Amy, Amy, wherefore art thou—’