by Bree Cariad
Tanner leaned back in the chair and put his pad of paper to the side. “He’s got all the issues you would expect from both being trans and summarily kicked out of his family’s life. Aiden needs self-esteem. Like all of us, his confidence is wrapped up in who he is and that has been put down by everyone he knew.” He tapped his pen against the arm of the chair. “He isn’t sure about what he wants in the future, which makes sense. He’s only fourteen. Though make a note. His birthday is on Christmas Day so expect that to be hard for him. I want to wait at least until he’s more secure and can make decisions from his head and his heart rather than from fear, before he makes any kind of choice about what he wants to do. But he’s aware of his body and that he doesn’t look like he feels. If he was older, I’d suggest getting a full binder to temper his growing chest. But until we know where he’s headed, I don’t want to go that far yet.”
“Why not?” Jonathon asked with interest.
“If one day he elects to have FTM top surgery, there is the possibility of physical scarring. It’s only cosmetic, but if he does decide to do that, those scars are constant reminders. A binder holds the chest in and it can affect the elasticity in the skin if done for a long period of time. If, after he’s had time to settle, he wants a binder, we’ll get him one. But for now, I think a medium weight sports bra that would disappear under a tank and loose button-down shirts are his best bet. The sports bra will flatten his chest a little and that will go a long way to making him feel like his body is his own.”
“What about not having a penis? I know Vaughn still suffers from the fact he’s got a vagina.” Vaughn, another trans boy in their care, was traumatized as a child and his gender dysphoria was at an extreme. He considered his current physical body as something evil. Jonathon made sure all knives were hidden and all razors confiscated and only used with one of the adults present after he found Vaughn trying to cut off the small breasts he had.
“I think that will take more time to affect Aiden,” Tanner said. “Yes, he’ll be sharing a bathroom with males who do have a penis, but there are also other trans boys in there with him. You and I have talked about once money becomes a bit more fluid, getting these boys packers so they feel they do have male genitalia. Though balled up socks will do in a pinch. It’s not the same, but I’ll tell you from experience that it makes a huge difference when you put on a pair of jeans and they bulge out like you know they should and the pressure is there where you expect it to be. Without the experience Vaughn had as a child, Aiden’s growth will be painful—all gender dysphoria is—but hopefully not nearly as traumatic since he will see me weekly and everyone here accepts him as he is.” He sighed. “I wish puberty suppressants weren’t so hideously expensive. Your trans kids would do better on those.”
“I know.” Jonathon frowned. They’d talked about that many times. But at $500-$750/month per individual, there was no way they could afford it.
“However,” he appended and leaned forward to look Jonathon right in the eyes, a little twinkle entering them. “One thing you should be aware of is that he has a crush on someone.”
Jonathon cocked an eyebrow. “Already?” His mind went through all the youth at the shelter and wondered which one was Aiden’s type.
“The man who saved him. Aiden said his name was Brecker.”
“Oh.” Jonathon grinned. “A little hero worship there.” Not that he could blame the kid. Brecker was attractive in that I-might-be-entering-midlife-but-prove-it kind of way. Not to mention the fact he was a heroic individual. It was his signature that helped the shelter get off the ground, his calls which had food, clothes, and other needs show up at intervals, and the fact he found a boy hurting in town and did everything he could to get him somewhere he was accepted. Yes. No doubt about it. Brecker was a hero.
“Yes. And I think that’s all it is. But I’d like you to keep an eye on it. Sometimes, especially when someone has been hurt like Aiden has, they will latch onto the first person to show them kindness and think it’s love. Hopefully it will burn itself out quickly, but if it becomes more intense, I’ll want to work with him on it.”
“Brecker has only been out here twice. I doubt Aiden will even see him again.” Which was sad. Jonathon enjoyed talking to him. And yes, if he admitted it to himself, he also was attracted to Court Brecker. But he was straight, so Jonathon had already accepted nothing would ever happen. “But I’ll keep an eye out just in case.”
“Good.”
“Anyone else having troubles?”
Tanner went through the list of kids Jonathon needed to keep a closer eye on. “Vaughn especially,” he said at the end. He sighed. “I haven’t told him, but next week I’m bringing Zach with me. I want to see if the meds he’s taking are making things this bad or if there are other reasons. It could just be the combination of starting to relax and advanced puberty, but something tells me there’s more to it.”
“Follow your gut,” Jonathon said. “I’m glad Zach can come out as often as he does.” Having a fully licensed psychiatrist who was aware of trans issues and had an office in town he came to twice a month was a godsend. Otherwise they would have to rely on less knowledgeable psychiatrists or go three hours to Seattle for each appointment.
For a few days, things went along relatively easily. A few fights broke out, but those were normal enough and he handled them as he always did, with a loving talk that left his youth embarrassed and promising never to do it again. He reminded them each time he didn’t expect them to be perfect, which he hoped helped.
A week later it felt like the bottom fell out of his world.
“You want to what?” he asked, horrified as he stared into Zach’s kind, but firm gaze. “You can’t.”
“I have to,” Zach said firmly. “He’s getting worse, Jonathon. Much worse. In fact, I didn’t leave him alone when I came in to talk with you. Rolf is with him right now.”
“But I promised him. I promised all of them,” he said. “That I would never send them away. Ever.” He searched frantically in his mind for a way to combat this. Logically he knew Zach was right. Vaughn needed more help than he could give him. His attempts to mangle his body were becoming more frequent and Jonathon spent more time corralling the one boy than with the rest of them combined. It wasn’t right any way he looked at it.
“Jonathon, three times in our talk today he made intense references to what he wants to do to himself. And none of it is good.”
Jonathon jerked and stared at him. “He’s been trying to harm himself, but I thought we were keeping it under control.”
“I’m sorry,” Zach said with a shake of his head, a kind but determined look in his eyes. “I know you’re trying your hardest, Jonathon. That you love each and every one of these kids is obvious to anyone who spends more than a couple minutes here. But we all know you have thirty-six others who need your attention just as much. And to be bluntly honest, if we don’t put him somewhere where he can’t hurt himself, one of these days you’re going to find him dead.”
It was so direct it felt like being kicked in the stomach. “So he really wants to die?” he asked, closing his eyes as they stung with tears. Of course he knew Vaughn was having troubles, but he’d hoped that what they were doing was helping.
“He isn’t thinking straight,” Zach said. “You know that. I agree with Tanner that there’s more going on there than we can see via weekly or biweekly care. I want to put him in the hospital where I work the rest of the month. He’ll be in a room with a camera in it. There will be nothing he can harm himself with. And if he tries, a nurse will be there within seconds to stop him. He needs twenty-four/seven care, Jonathon, something you can’t give him unless you want to ignore the other kids under your roof and all the things you need to do to keep this place running.”
“He’ll feel like a freak.” Jonathon sighed, his shoulders slumped as all the promises he’d made to Vaughn that he would never make him leave crashed down around his ears. Please, Lord. Please let me find a way to k
eep him.
“This isn’t forever,” Zach assured him. “I want to get him stabilized. Perhaps on a different drug. And daily—not weekly or biweekly—but daily therapy. Once we have him calmer and more in control of his faculties, we’ll bring him back. You have my promise.”
He didn’t mean to snort, but Jonathon couldn’t help himself. “How do you plan to keep him out of the hands of social services?” While on the shelter’s land, they were technically under the protection of a legally recognized religious organization. It was one of the perks of being who he was. It allowed him to keep the state-run organizations from interfering and taking his runaway kids away where they would have been sent home only to have it all happen again or end up stuck in an untenable foster situation.
Zach sighed. “That’s a promise I can’t make. But I can tell you this.” His voice firmed. “I’m taking that boy out of here today. If you allow it, as soon as he’s back on his feet, I’ll drive him back here. However, if you fight me, I’ll call the police and do what I can to take him forcefully from your care. You know what will happen then. Once the police are involved, social services will be as well. Which means you won’t get him back. And neither of us wants that. Here is where he belongs.”
It was hard not to hate Zach in that moment, even though Jonathon knew he told the truth. The last thing he wanted was social services breathing down his neck. They would never care about his kids the way he did and he hated to imagine how any of them would end up after being put into the system. Back to the streets or worse most likely. Plus they wouldn’t trust him after that. Actually he would probably lose their trust after this. “I don’t want anyone else to know what’s going on,” he said, hearing the heaviness in his own voice. “I’ll explain it after you leave, but this is not going to be pretty.”
“I’ll give him a shot that’s going to make him absolutely relaxed so we can get him out to the car. He’ll sleep all the way back to Seattle. Do you want to talk to him before we leave?”
“Of course I do.” There was no way Jonathon was letting Vaughn leave without assuring him he would always have a place there. He knew the boy wouldn’t believe him right away, not with how angry he was all the time. But he had to do it.
“Let me give him the shot first.”
Jonathon followed him into the room they used for therapy. Rolf was seated across from Vaughn playing checkers. He glanced up as they walked in and after one look at Jonathon, a sad expression crossed his face. “Looks like the doc’s back,” he said to Vaughn. “So why don’t we continue this the next time we see one another?”
“All right, Uncle Rolf,” Vaughn said. His voice was brittle. In fact, his entire stance was. Each muscle was tensed and his eyes were practically bugging out of his skull.
Lord, help me help him. At first there was no response. Then he heard a still small voice say Let them help him. He needed to send Vaughn away. Even though he knew it had to be done, Jonathon’s heart broke that much more at what he was about to do.
“Hey, kiddo,” Jonathon said and sat next to him as Rolf left the room, the checkers board already back on the shelf. “I hear you’re really having a hard time.”
Vaughn turned toward him and the pure fury and terror in his eyes made Jonathon put his arms around him and hug him tight. He was so stiff, it was like hugging a tree. “It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured. “We’re going to get you the help you need.”
“All right, Vaughn,” Zach said clearly. “This is the shot I told you I was going to give you. Stay still.” Vaughn didn’t move. He didn’t even flinch as the needle went into his arm. “All right,” he said to Jonathon as he removed the needle and placed a round bandage over the spot. “Tell him.”
“Tell me what?” Vaughn asked, yanking out of Jonathon’s grasp in confusion. “What?” he demanded, anger not masking the fear in his voice.
“Vaughn,” Jonathon said, taking the shaking hands in front of him and gripping them tight. “This is your home. But we don’t have the resources to keep you healthy right now. Zach is going to take you with him so he can treat you. Look,” he added, tightening his hold when Vaughn tried to jerk away. “You’re scared and you feel hopeless. We need to stop that before you lose the fight. We love you too much to let the darkness win, Vaughn. Zach is going to take you with him to Seattle where they’ll change your drugs and figure out how to help you feel better about yourself again.”
Vaughn’s mouth dropped open, an expression of pure betrayal on his young face. “You’re sending me away.”
“No,” Jonathon said firmly, looking him in the eyes. “I’m not sending you away. This is temporary, Vaughn. Temporary. Zach’s going to bring you back as soon as he can. Your bed will remain yours. Your bedding will be waiting for you.”
“You lied!” Vaughn yanked his hands out of Jonathon’s grip and leaped from the sofa. The shot was doing its job as he had a hard time standing up straight. “You lied,” he said, his voice breaking and going up into a more feminine register. “You told us you’d never send us away and you… you lied! I never should have trusted you. I hate you!”
“Vaughn,” Zach said as Jonathon tried to figure out what to say. “Jonathon doesn’t have a choice. I’m taking you somewhere you’ll be safe. I—”
Vaughn looked around the room frantically, each movement jerky and uncontrolled. There was nothing that a person could use to harm themselves easily within reach. He turned his head and Jonathon realized what he was going to do before he moved. He jumped up and as Vaughn turned to throw himself at the mirror on the wall, Jonathon grabbed hold of him from behind and held on.
Vaughn screamed and tried to punch him but as he was behind, Vaughn couldn’t get any real good hits in. Zach stepped forward and grabbed his arms. “Let me go,” Vaughn sobbed. “Nobody wants me. You all hate me. I hate me!”
“Listen to me,” Zach said, though from where Jonathon stood it didn’t look like Zach expected him to. “It’s all going to be all right, Vaughn. It’s all going to be all right.” He repeated the phrase and as Vaughn’s body slowly lost the ability to stand, he sank back against Jonathon, who held him upright. “I’ll check the halls and ask Rolf to make sure everyone’s out of the way.” Zach left the room and Jonathon held Vaughn a little tighter.
Vaughn was sobbing, but that was all he seemed to be able to do.
“I know you think you hate me right now,” Jonathon murmured against his ear. “But I love you. And I look forward to when you come back. I’ll think about you every day and you’ll be in every one of my prayers. This is your home, Vaughn. As soon as Zach gets your meds changed and they work, you’ll be back here with your family. We’ll have a welcome back celebration for you. I love you, Vaughn. The Lord loves you. I know all you feel is fear right now, but I hope one day you’ll believe us. We love you and want you to come home.”
Zach came back. “Rolf took everyone out back. Let’s get him to the car.”
Jonathon swept Vaughn’s legs out from under him and carried him out, Zach right beside him.
The van Zach arrived in was different to what he normally drove, but when Jonathon got a look at the restraints on the backseat, he knew Zach had come prepared. “You knew.”
“Yes,” Zach said. “After I changed his meds again last visit, I had the feeling they wouldn’t make a difference. When I arrived, your reports and the way he acted just reiterated that he needs to go where I can help him.” After he sat Vaughn on the seat, Zach pulled a five part harness over him and snapped each buckle shut. “If he wakes up enough to try and get himself out of it, having to unbuckle all the points will take long enough that I’ll be able to pull over and stop him before he can hurt himself.”
Vaughn’s eyes were glassy and showed no recognition so Jonathon pulled back and let Zach close the door. Zach shoved a piece of paper at him. “I need your signature that you’re giving him over into my care. It also states that I’ll return him as soon as he’s no longer a threat to himself or others.”
It took all the strength Jonathon had to sign the paper and hand it back.
As the van pulled away, all he could think was that he’d failed one of his kids. Just like he’d failed Paul.
“It was needed.” Rolf’s calm voice didn’t help.
“I let him down.”
“No you didn’t. Johnny, I know you want to save the world, but you can’t do it alone. We’re doing our best with very few people. And out of thirty-seven kids, he’s the only one we haven’t been able to handle. He has issues we don’t have the resources for. We knew that would happen at some point. Zach will help him and then bring him back.” He put a hand on Jonathon’s shoulder. “You’ve made this your whole world. I keep telling you, you need to get away from here every once in a while. Live. Meet someone. Date. Have a life away from here. Because this is killing you. And that’s not why we did this.”
“I told them I’d never send them away,” Jonathon said, a catch in his voice.
Rolf put an arm around his shoulders. “The others have been worried about Vaughn. Today they kept asking me what to do if he hurt himself. They can’t heal either if they’re busy worrying over one of their own. We’ll tell them together what happened and why. We’ll reiterate that Vaughn still lives here and is just in the hospital for a bit. And we’ll handle whatever comes.”
With a sigh, Jonathon nodded. “All right.”
“And then tomorrow, you’re going to leave here for a couple hours. Maybe go take a walk in the park like you used to. Or go down by the river and feed the ducks. You need some time away before you lose it. If I have to, I’ll drag you out myself, but I don’t think that would help our kids to see that.”
Torn between jutting an elbow into Rolf’s side and breaking down crying, Jonathon took a deep shuddering breath. “All right. We need comfort food for tonight’s dinner.”