Just As You Are

by Kate Mathieson

  ‘Emma, how many times has Honey sent you that text message, when she’s bored?’

  I sat back and realised he was right. She’d sent me that text at all times during the day and night, including the kiss after it. God, it was a copy and paste. ‘But she sent it to your personal phone,’ I pointed out.

  ‘Yes, as you know, Honey has a habit of getting what she wants, including my personal number courtesy of Glenn and HR. You wouldn’t know anything about that though, would you?’ he said with a cheeky smile, which then faded. ‘How do you know about Honey’s text?’

  ‘Well, she’s not the only one I know about, Nick. What about Chloe?’ There, explain your way out of this one, I thought.

  ‘Chloe? Chloe?’ he spluttered. ‘Chloe’s my sister!’

  ‘Your sister?’ My entire body went numb.

  ‘Yes, Emma, my sister.’ He fumbled in his pocket and grabbed his phone, scrolling through it and then holding it up. ‘See, there’s a photo of her with me, and her husband, and her two children. Here’s another one of her with my mum.’ They did look rather alike, blonde hair, gorgeous, the same eyes.

  Nick continued. ‘And I left that morning because I got a call that Mum was in hospital and Chloe needed me to get there asap. I didn’t have time to tell you, or let you know, or leave a note. I should have and I’m sorry – but I had other things on my mind. And then my phone ran out of battery at the hospital and I didn’t even get to charge it until the next day. I’m sorry, I was an absolute jerk for leaving you alone. I admit that. Hands up. I want you to know this, if this is the only thing you take with you.’

  ‘Your sister,’ I repeated numbly.

  ‘Yes, my sister. Do you want to call her and ask?’ He offered his phone to me.

  I shook my head, not able to say a word, feeling extremely … guilty. Was this true? Had I been totally off base? Was Nick really a lovely guy, who looked after sick people’s dogs, and his mum in hospital, rather than a cheating chauvinist?

  ‘Is your mum OK?’ I asked, trying to let everything he’d said sink in.

  ‘Yes.’ He smiled. ‘Thank you, she’s fine now. On blood pressure medication and thankfully everything is fine.’

  Then his smile faded. ‘Wait a second. How do you know about Honey’s text? And Chloe’s texts?’

  ‘I saw your personal phone,’ I said sheepishly. ‘But in my defence, it was the day you left me all alone in your apartment and you left your phone. I heard something was buzzing. And there it was.’

  ‘Stalker,’ he teased.

  ‘Leaver,’ I retorted.

  ‘Well, I didn’t leave for long. That night I went straight to the mixer because I knew you were going, my phone had died, the Uber driver didn’t have a charger so I couldn’t call you, and I wanted so badly to see you.’

  Nick cleared his throat and kept talking. ‘I felt that there was always something between us, but I just didn’t know where you stood. After our night together, I thought it was pretty clear for both of us. But as soon as I walked in, I saw you with Lachlan at the food table. It looked like he was feeding you, then you were laughing with him and going outside. It got me pretty riled up. To make matters worse, he walked out of there without his shirt on, and I could only imagine what you guys had been doing.’

  ‘He tried to feed me – and failed. Then I laughed at how lame he was. Finally, a waiter crashed into him with some Champagne, hence the no-shirt thing,’ I explained.

  ‘I thought you’d realised you’d made a huge mistake at my house. And you didn’t want to be with me. And then the next morning, that huge stuff up with Hive happened. I got so mad, and, well, I was angry at you for liking Lachlan, and it all just came out at once. And I’m truly sorry for yelling at you. For the record, I don’t think you’re a corporate queen.’ He smiled ruefully.

  I was trying not to look at his eyes, because they would suck me in, because he was beautiful, because he was standing here, apologising and undoing all the horrible things I’d ever thought about him.

  There were a thousand thoughts in my head, and my body felt flushed. Besides, I wasn’t sure how I felt now – how did I feel? Still angry? Hurt? Even a bit … excited. Oh, no. But I’d been excited about Nick before, and look where that had got me. And now, we had two different lives: he was staying in Sydney, and I was about to live in an icy igloo (well, probably a warm insulated house, but still) and there would be thousands of miles between us.

  I licked my lips and went to say something, then thought better of it. Finally, Nick said, ‘Spit it out, Emma.’

  I took a deep breath. ‘I … uh … I don’t want to sound rude or selfish here, but couldn’t you have just texted my mobile that morning, letting me know where you were? Or left a voicemail. Or a quick little note that said, “Urgent – had to go, talk soon”. I know you were thinking of your mum, but, Nick, I woke up in my boss’ house. Alone. After we’d had sex, and not talked about it. And then you went AWOL. And I felt so … so … horrible and used.’

  ‘You’re right, I should have. I’m sorry.’ He looked down at his shoes as though he was really unsure. It was the first time I’d seen that in him. ‘Honestly, Emma, that night with you scared me. I felt feelings I really hadn’t in a long time, maybe not at all, ever.’

  I nodded, because I’d felt that too.

  Nick continued, ‘I did want to be with you. Being with you that night was amazing. Too amazing. All those feelings rushed back, of being cheated on, being lied to, being left, and they scared the hell out of me. Maybe that’s also a bit of the reason I didn’t text you earlier that morning.’ He paused. ‘I felt vulnerable, and I didn’t want to get hurt again.’

  ‘So you decided to hurt someone else?’

  He looked shocked, as if it was finally registering. ‘I did. I’m so sorry, Emma.’ He paused. ‘Maybe we were both just scared.’

  ‘You were scared, Nick. You,’ I said with a frown on my face. ‘I was willing to go for it.’

  ‘Oh, were you?’ he challenged me. ‘When you went on dates with other people that were clearly very wrong for you, when you gave me an entire spiel about being left at the altar and how terrible vanilla people were. You may as well have had a big “I’m scared” sign on your forehead.’

  Was he right? I thought about it quickly, and realised with surprise that he was. I had stepped back from him. And I’d thought it was because he was my boss, but now I realised it was because I liked him so much. I was scared. Petrified. ‘I’m sorry Nick.’

  ‘Maybe we understand each other because of what we had both been through,’ he admitted honestly. ‘And I think we’ve both lied to each other enough, don’t you?’

  I nodded and found myself feeling a little disappointed that he’d be getting on a plane to … to wherever he was going soon.

  I looked up at the departure screen, then at my watch. A call came over the lounge PA, announcing final boarding for Sydney to LA.

  ‘Well, that’s me,’ I said, feeling as if I was unable to tear myself away from where I was sitting, stand and leave. ‘Looks like you used up more than five minutes.’ I smiled. ‘But I’m glad you did. I’m glad we talked, and are leaving on a good note. And I’m glad that we can now be … civil.’ I was going to say friends, but I didn’t know if he wanted that, and the thought of only being his friend made me feel sad. It wasn’t what I really wanted.

  I stood and picked up my bag. And since there really wasn’t anything else to say, I added, ‘And I hope you have a safe flight, wherever you’re headed.’

  He paused, grabbed the rest of my Champagne and took a large gulp. ‘Wait. Before you go, I have to say this.’ He cleared his throat. ‘When I found out you were going to Alaska, I knew I couldn’t lose you again. It kicked me into gear over the last few days. I had to do something, and, well, here I am.’

  I held up my hand as if to say ‘wait a second’ and said jokingly, ‘Are you going to say something like I’m just a boy, standing here in front of a girl, asking her
to love him?’

  He laughed. ‘Actually, I am.’

  My stomach dropped. ‘What?’

  He took a step closer to me. ‘It was you from the start, Emma Londstown. I just didn’t know you felt the same. And I wanted to make sure everything was perfect, before I did actually ask you out on a date. And things haven’t been perfect. But that’s how life is.’

  He looked around nervously. ‘So I came here to tell you that I like you. Really like you. Perhaps, maybe, even, love you.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said faintly, losing my ability to speak.

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I never could. And I know this might come late, too late, because I’ve used up my five-minute quota, but, Emma, would you go on a date with me?’

  I could feel my cheeks burning up. My knees felt a bit wobbly. I wasn’t sure I trusted my voice not to squeak when I spoke.

  ‘Well, Mr Taylor, I’d like to tell you it’s highly unprofessional for a manager to ask out an employee, because today’s my last day, so technically, I still work at Maker until midnight. Also, that date would have to be in Alaska, seeing as I am going to be living there very shortly.’

  ‘It’s a good thing that I’m not your boss any more. In fact, as of …’ he looked down at his watch ‘… two hours ago, I don’t work at Maker.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Emma, I’d do anything for a date with you.’

  ‘So where are you going?’ I pointed to his carry-on duffel bag, feeling all my resistance drop away.

  ‘I was kinda hoping to live somewhere outside the city. Like, a country cottage. In the cold and the snow. With a veggie patch and—’

  ‘Chickens,’ I said breathlessly.

  ‘And hopefully my most favourite person.’ We locked eyes. ‘That’s you, by the way.’

  He stepped towards me ever so slightly, lifted his hand, and gently pushed some hair out of my eyes, his fingertips stroking my cheek.

  ‘Wait.’ I held up my hand, stopping him from moving any closer and taking a step back. ‘What will you do in Alaska?’ I was not going to be some sugar momma, particularly because I couldn’t, not on my salary.

  ‘I hear some of the towns need some help with the local marketing and events for a spring festival, and I think I have a bit of experience with that.’

  ‘But you’ll have to live on a measly salary. Not in a penthouse.’

  ‘Possibly on baked beans.’ He smiled.

  I nodded. ‘And old, stale bread.’

  ‘I think I can handle it. We’ll have a toaster, right? They have those there?’ he teased. ‘Or else we could sell the penthouse, and the Fijian timeshare, and build something kinda wonderful, you know, ourselves.’

  He went to step forward again.

  ‘Wait!’ I said to him again, stopping him from getting any closer.

  ‘Something else you should know – I’m a bird, not a tree!’ He looked very confused. ‘I’ll explain that later. And I’m not a well-behaved woman. And I don’t ever want to be one,’ I said defiantly. ‘I get chips in my hair. I drink too much on dates. I wear Ugg boots. I drool in my sleep. I want to have a country cottage, where I grow old. But I also want to pack it all in and travel the world if I feel like it. And live in small huts without electricity. I want to do handstands on the beach under the moonlight. And aqua aerobics in pink petal caps. And I want to swim with whales. Who don’t wear pink petal caps. Or maybe they do. I don’t like wearing high heels. Or silk shirts. I’m not like Donna or Sadie or—’

  ‘I know. I know all of that, Emma,’ he said, looking at me and stroking my cheek with his finger. ‘You’re not a Maker clone. Thank goodness. You’re bold. You’re a bit nuts. You’re you.’ He grinned. ‘That’s what I love most about you.’

  ‘You love me?’ My heart fluttered.

  ‘With all my heart, Emma Londstown. I tried my hardest not to. But I couldn’t help it. There was someone who once told me, when you know you know. Even if it’s only been a week.’

  I grinned. ‘That person sounds very wise.’

  I felt the intensity of his eyes staring at me. I let his fingers trail down my neck.

  ‘Now will you please stop telling me to wait, and let me kiss you?’

  He pulled me close, so our bodies pressed together. I felt the firmness of his chest beneath his shirt. His breath on my neck, warm and smelling of Champagne. And when I couldn’t wait any longer, he leaned slightly forward, both hands on my cheeks, holding my face. My breath caught. Our lips met. When he kissed me I forgot to breathe. Every part of my body, our bodies, melted into each other.

  When we finally pulled away, my heart beating so loudly, I thought my ribs would break. He smiled at me and whispered, ‘Shall we go to Alaska?’

  I nodded. ‘Yes, let’s.’

  THE END

  If you enjoyed Just As You Are, be sure to follow Kate on Facebook @katemathiesonauthor for all the updates on her latest work.

  You can also find us at @0neMoreChapter_, where we’ll be shouting about all our new releases.

  In the mood for even more bewitching romantic fiction?

  You will adore The First Date by Zara Stoneley, a hilarious and heartwarming romantic comedy about what happens when the wrong guy turns up at the right time. Get your copy here if you’re in the UK, and here if you’re in the US.

  And don’t miss the historical romance of 2020, Before the Crown by Edith Bell, which tells the story of the secret engagement between Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip in the tempestuous wake of the Second World War. Get your copy here if you’re in the UK, and here if you’re in the US.

  Happy reading!

  Acknowledgements

  To my tireless and wonderful mum and dad, who slightly inspired Lorna and Ted, but are much kinder, calmer versions of them, thank you for supporting me in every weird and wacky adventure I have embarked upon, including the times I quit work, travelled the world and wanted to call myself a writer. Without your love and support (and the use of your second bedroom), I’d be lost. I love you mum and dad.

  Thank you Charlotte my wonderful publisher, Emily my amazing editor, and the team at One More Chapter – you’ve been a delight to work with. Thank you for helping me craft Emma and Nick so well that I almost think they are real, and could bump into them on the streets of Sydney (or Alaska).

  To Jane and Spot, for the many laughs at Kyushu’s and reminding me that a relationship over 20 years can still be full of humour and love.

  To Jean, and the Flix Chix girls, our monthly wine and movie nights (and sordid tellings of the things we’ve done in our lives), have given me plenty of ideas for the next book. You guys are one in a million.

  To my closest friend Tara, who I’ve known since I was 3, 30, and hopefully 90. We have our own soul language and there’s a special bond that can never be broken. P.s. Shall we take that trip to New York now?

  In all the vastness of the world, and all the billions of people you can meet, it was a sheer delight that I happened to meet Sean. Thank you Sean, for your everyday chats, and for supporting this wild heart who can’t be tamed. If there was one person I had to be stuck in hell with – it would be him; he’d protect me, make me laugh, hold my hand, figure out a plan to get us elsewhere, and demand coffee. Finger hugs, Sean. I like you just the way you are.

  About the Author

  Kate Mathieson is an Australian author whose memoir Ways to Come Home was published in September 2017 through Ventura Press/Simon & Schuster. It was a finalist for the Finch Memoir 2017.

  In a past life, she interviewed 90s celebrities for Dolly magazine. This is her first novel.

  @katemathiesonauthor

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