by Renee Porter
“Ryan Stark, you look familiar. Do you work with Charlotte?” Ryan swallowed thickly as she shook her head.
“Actually, Ryan is Jonathan’s neighbor. That’s how we met.” Charlie eyed Sharla as if she was trying to place Ryan’s familiar face. Then Sharla shook her head and offered her hand to Ryan. “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. How about we sit out on the porch and have some lemonade before dinner. You can tell me all about what you’ve been doing, Charlie. You know, Buck and I watched that new movie you were in…” As Ryan and Charlie followed Sharla out of the house and onto the porch, Ryan couldn’t help but hope that Sharla hadn’t remembered her from an old life that she tried so desperately to forget. Because if she did, she would have a lot more explaining to do rather than trying to enjoy the cool South Dakota evening. And to be honest, if it was the last thing that Ryan wanted to do, it was to remind herself of why wanting Charlie was not the path her future was meant to take.
Chapter 10
“I told you we should have worn our flannel.”
Ryan nodded at Charlie’s statement as the three entered the Moose Lodge Bar and Grille. Ryan noted the stuffy atmosphere and country music flittering through the air. The banner hanging stated “Welcome Class of 2000!” while the majority of classmates were either gathered on the dance floor which consisted of hard wood covered in peanut shells, or the actual bar which just so happened to also be covered in peanut shells.
Jonathan was decked out in his Armani suit, looking every bit of the Hollywood heartthrobs that he represented back home. And while he may have stolen the show for best dressed man, the award for most gorgeous woman went to Charlie, hands down. She had opted for something less showy than Jonathan. With a simple black dress that flowed just below her knees, Ryan couldn’t help but think that even if she was dressed in flannel she would still be the most beautiful woman in the bar. Not the train of thought you need right now.
Jonathan glided through the bar as men and women from their classes tried to place his face. They nodded and whispered as the three entered more fully into the bar. Many eyes danced across Charlie’s face as well, as men raked their eyes with slightly agape mouths and women mumbled their disapprovals tsked under their breath.
“Seems like you two are making a statement,” Ryan muttered as a woman pulled her husband aside and gave him a tongue lashing. He stood there, receiving the admonishment but still keeping his eyes glued on Charlie’s chest.
“It’s something that you just have to get used to, especially when you walk around with this one,” Jonathan pointed his thumb towards Charlie who scoffed at him.
“They’re just jealous,” Charlie stated. Jonathan nodded as he made his way to the bar to order the first round of drinks. Ryan side glanced at Charlie hoping that tonight would break the air of tension that seemed to separate the two women since the incident the day before. But with each look at Charlie from the patrons of the bar, the woman seemed to dig a deeper hole and plaster on a smile that was only reserved for acting. Ryan breathed out audibly as she tried to relax. She knew that Charlie had her secrets but weren’t they good enough friends to allow those mysteries to come forth? Try taking your own advice, Ryan thought to herself. Ryan had just as many secrets as Charlie, both not wanting to divulge the deepest part of their insecurities. How can she be upset when she herself can’t bring up the biggest change in her life?
“Well, seems like not much has changed around here. Jack still doesn’t serve Jack.” Jonathan’s lips pursed as he handed each woman a bud light. Charlie chuckled as she shrugged her shoulders and took a swig from the mouth of the bottle. Jonathan did the same, however, the wince on his face showed that he wasn’t too fond of the brew of choice.
“At least it won’t taste so bad after a few of them.” A voice sounded from behind Jonathan as all eyes landed on a handsome man. His blonde hair was placed in perfection and his easy smile and warm eyes traced across Jonathan’s face, almost hoping for recognition.
“Hello, Bryan.” Jonathan’s cool pleasantry made the man’s smile falter slightly.
“Jonathan, it’s been a long time.” He held his own Bud bottle up to Jonathan in a salute and Jonathan nodded once. “Charlotte. How are you?” Charlie smiled as she stepped forward and gave the man a light hug.
“I’m good, Bryan. We didn’t think you would be coming back for this.” Ryan watched the exchange between Bryan and the two cousins. Jonathan’s eyes seemed to take in every part of the man in front of him and Ryan wondered if he was the reason why Jonathan had said that there were two gays in his hometown, but just one ‘out and proud ’ . ’
“I wasn’t planning to but I missed the ten year and well…I guess I was just interested in seeing where everyone eventually ended up.” The three conversed lightly, the tension between the group seeming to ebb as time dragged on. Ryan had been introduced eventually and Bryan seemed extremely interested in getting to know Jonathan’s best friend. It was this interest that Ryan realized that something must have gone on between Jonathan and the man. It was obvious to Ryan through his mannerisms that he was in fact gay. It actually wasn’t hard to determine since he seemed to have an affinity to touching Jonathan’s arms and shoulder.
“Want to find a seat?” Charlie asked after a while. They had been successfully removed from the conversation as Bryan told Jonathan how he had moved after realizing that Custer wasn’t where he truly wanted to be and that he had been spending his time as a teacher for a community college in San Diego.
Ryan nodded and also noted that it was the first direct statement that Charlie had muttered to her since yesterday. She followed Charlie to a quiet corner which would allow them ample viewing room to people watch. They both sat quietly, Ryan gripping her half empty beer bottle and attempting to find something to break the awkward silence between her and Charlie. For the whole time of their friendship, she couldn’t remember a time when she tried to grasp at straws to keep a conversation going with Charlie. Even when Charlie hadn’t called for the month and a half that she was away, Ryan knew that if they had talked it wouldn’t be as awkward as this.
“Bryan was Jonathan’s first.” Ryan exhaled a breath as she took a look at Charlie. Did it seem like the woman was also trying to find something to talk about? Ryan nodded at the statement, grateful that at least they were talking about something.
“I thought that something might have happened between them.”
Charlie shifted in her seat, her dress riding up over her knees. Ryan shook her head as she tried to get her heart to stop fluttering. “He was a jack ass to Jon. He pretended like he didn’t exist in public. Jonathan was out and Bryan was the captain of the football team and extremely popular. He was straight by day, gay by night.” Charlie took another swig of her beer as Ryan imagined how much Jonathan went through in high school.
“That’s rough,” Ryan said. She kept her eye on the two who seemed to be getting along quite nicely. She couldn’t help but feel overprotected for her best friend. “It seems like he doesn’t mind being out k now, though.”
“Usually people realize how exhausting it is to hide their true selves. Eventually you have to believe that you should live your life for yourself and not for someone else.” Charlie was peeling the label off of her bottle. Ryan couldn’t help but think that the words were meant for someone else and not just Bryan’s situation.
“Do you follow that same sentiment?” Charlie looked up at Ryan’s words. Ryan wasn’t sure why she had asked them but it was too easy not to. The look in Charlie’s eyes made her realize that it was possible that maybe Jonathan’s words of someone being in the closet while he lived her e extended to her friend sitting next to her as well.
“Easier said than done,” was all that Charlie responded back. Ryan bit her cheek as she attempted to ease the frustration growing inside. “Charlie…” Ryan started but was quickly interrupted by a group of men walking up to the table.
“How’s it going ladies?” Charlie nodded at th
e group and Ryan wished that she could just get up and leave. She rarely lost her patience but tonight had been trying. Her time in Custer had been extremely daunting and she wished that she could separate herself for a bit from the trauma that her heart was taking.
As the group chit chatted and asked Charlie for autographs, Ryan tried to stay calm and cool. Even though she was frustrated with Charlie and her lack of giving up anything to do with her personal life, she was still astonished that people could be so crass as to ask for an autograph when it was obvious that the woman didn’t feel like ‘working’ the whole night.
“You know sometimes I forget that you’re a celebrity.” Charlie looked over at Ryan. She looked more relaxed now that the group had faded away to their respective wives and girlfriends.
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked. She shifted closer to Ryan, finally giving her the attention that Ryan had yearned for the whole night.
“I mean, when we’re together it just feels like you’re a normal person.” Charlie’s eyebrow raised and Ryan shook her head. “You know what I mean. It’s hard for me to remember that you’re so well known.” Ryan smiled shyly hoping that she wasn’t offending the woman. “And I know that these people probably don’t get to see celebrities every day, but you grew up with them and they don’t see you as that woman. It’s like they see you as an object to give them their own satisfaction…you know?” Ryan bit her lip as she willed her eyes to remain on Charlie’s.
“I do know.” Charlie stated simply. “But I guess it comes with the territory. When I lived in Miami I thought that I wouldn’t be hounded as much but it was still the same thing. At first it was exciting to get recognized but I soon found out that this life isn’t exactly what it’s cracked up to be. I can’t even date without it being headline news.”
Ryan nodded, wanting to go further into that line of questioning but decided that she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to know who Charlie dated. She didn’t want to know who Charlie went to bed with. All she wanted to know is why Charlie wanted to hide that part from her.
The rest of the night was more of the same. People asking Charlie for autographs and to dance. She would always grant the former but not the latter. She told Ryan she didn’t dance, but Ryan was sure that the woman was lying. There was no way that Charlotte Baker couldn’t ‘cut a rug’ as so many of the South Dakota patrons had said.
They managed to make it to closing and by the end of the night Ryan felt slightly less confused about Charlie. She knew that the woman still held back but she realized that Charlie would open up to her when she wanted. And Ryan knew for a fact, that she would do the same.
Chapter 11
Sleep never came easy for Ryan. Ever since she was a little kid she would concoct fantasies in her mind, as if a movie was playing in her head and the characters acted only for her own enjoyment. As the years passed, and Ryan grew older, the fantasies grew into more complex images. She still remembered when those stories started to form between two heroines. One the damsel in distress and one turning out to be herself, saving the woman from a life that she truly didn’t want. It was then that she had realized that she wasn’t like most children her age.
She found girls to be much more exciting than men. She wasn’t sure exactly when her excitement had turned into a physical want but she also remembered those years being the most troublesome. How would she tell her father that she didn’t want to be with a man? That she found her female tutors much more alluring than any Hollywood heartthrob that she had met on the sets of her father’s work.
And now, those stories were even deeper in detail. But instead of the faceless women who used to plague her dreams, a very detailed woman seemed to set her mind ablaze. It was too easy, Ryan pondered, for Charlie to form in her mind. Her soft features and smile dominated her every being when she closed her eyes. Sometimes it was as simple as the woman knocking on her front door, her mouth stating the words that Ryan so desperately wanted to hear. Other times, she could be set forth back in time, saving Charlie from an evil King that wished her to be his bride, only to ride with her off into the sunset.
Ryan huffed loudly as she shook her head on her pillow. She didn’t want to think of the last week when they were in South Dakota. She had come back to L.A. wanting to bury herself into her work like she had done over these last few years. But it was impossible to do so. Because every time that Ryan’s closed in darkness, she was transported back to the cave. She could hear the flashlight falling and breaking. She could hear Charlie’s ragged breaths. She could feel her lips upon the taller woman’s as if Charlie had indeed wanted to kiss her.
Bile rose to Ryan’s throat as her stomach grumbled with hunger. She hadn’t been eating enough. She knew this but her body refused to settle down. With every day that passed, every fantasy that she drew up in her mind, her body rattled with even more anxiety. This crush was getting way out of hand and Ryan didn’t know how to stop it.
The silence of her room gave way to a gentle knocking downstairs. She sucked in a breath, sure that she must have heard wrong. How many times had her fantasies started this way?
Another knock, another skipped heartbeat. Ryan tried to shake her head out of her stupor. It was still early, only ten o’clock shone through the darkness of her room. She kicked off the sheets and headed downstairs warily. Her heart raced as she saw a feminine sillouhette standing outside of her door. The mosaic glass piecing together the figure as if a jagsaw puzzle was about to be completed.
“Hey.” Ryan opened the heavy oak door to a wide eyed Charlie. She hadn’t seen the woman in nearly a week, their conversations only being limited to a wave from their own respective homes.
“Hi, did I wake you?” Charlie’s eyes sparkled in the porch light. Her hands wrung together as if she were nervous, but Ryan wouldn’t have any idea why she would be.
“No. I was…” dreaming about you in a time where our lives could actually coexist and in a time where you would actually be interested in someone like me. The words came so easily to her mind but she finished with, “just reading. Come in.”
Charlie hesitated for a moment and stepped inside the foyer. The soft light coming from the chandelier seemed to take her thoughts away as the woman stared at anything but Ryan.
“Are you okay? Is Jon okay?” That seemed to get Charlie out of her stupor as she shook her head.
“Yes, we’re fine. I was just. I really needed to…” Charlie tilted her head and Ryan forced her fists to her side. It was too much, Charlie being here. She wanted to tell her to leave so that she wouldn’t have to feel this way. She wanted those stories to be just that, only stories.
“Needed to?” Ryan lifted an eyebrow in an attempt to get the obviously nervous woman to talk.
Charlie sighed heavily, as if defeated. “I need some sugar.”
“Sugar?” Ryan asked confused. She watched as Charlie shrugged her shoulder. She could almost play this out in her head.
“Sugar?” Ryan would ask and bite her lip. Charlie would nod and give her a shy smile, move in closer and finally close the distance with a kiss. But as Ryan stood there, her eyes furrowed, she realized that Charlie was still just standing there.
“I’m reviewing a script and ran out. I’ll need coffee to function.” Ryan nodded her head, her heart deflating.
“Of course, I’ll get you some.” She was on autopilot as the awkwardness of the situation fluttered through her veins. Why would she think that Charlie would come over just to see her? As if their lack of contact this last week was weighing on her like it was on Ryan. As Ryan came back with the bag of sugar she placed it in Charlie’s awaiting hands.
“Ryan…” Charlie looked into the woman’s eyes. They were haunted, pained but Ryan couldn’t help Charlie with whatever was plaguing her. She needed to do it herself. “Thanks,” Charlie stated. Ryan nodded her head with a forced smile and watched as the woman walked down the steps toward Jonathan’s home. With one look back, Charlie waved but Ryan couldn’t br
ing herself to wave back. Instead she nodded, mostly to herself. They were just friends, and the only way that Charlie would ever think of Ryan as anything more, was in her dreams.
Chapter 12
Ryan tried to juggle the groceries in her hand while reaching for the door handle. Jonathan had asked if they could move their weekly dinner ahead one night since he would be out of town for the next few days. But as she opened the door and heard the shouting between the two cousins she immediately rethought that idea. Maybe it would be best if she just turned around and went home.
“You’re so…so…” Jonathan huffed out loudly and turned when he heard Ryan come in. “Oh thank G g od you’re here,” Ryan looked between Jonathan and an obviously shaken Charlie. “Will you please talk some sense into her?” Ryan furrowed her brows as she gave a brief hello to Charlie who in turn gave her a tight smile.
“Ryan doesn’t need to get into this, Jonathan.” Charlie sighed as she placed herself down on the couch, her movement heavy with exhaustion.
“Yeah, I can come back later. You two seem like you need some time to cool down…or something.” Ryan turned to leave but then stopped as she heard them both speak at once.
“No, stay.”
“Thanks.”
She eyed both of them, not knowing exactly what to do. Jonathan’s eyes pleaded with her to stay but Charlie seemed to want her to go. She tried to mentally rub the brief pain in her heart with Charlie’s rebuff but figured that the woman just wanted to deal with her issues with her cousin in private.
“Please stay, I can’t deal with her right now…or talk any sense into her.” Jonathan glowered at Charlie and Ryan still held a stance that she was ready to run out the door.
“I’m not sure how I could help?” Ryan stated in a question. She wasn’t used to drama. She had had enough of that with her relationship with Naomi.