Forever (F-Word Book 4)

by E. Davies

  Tristan sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I love what I do, when I get to do it. I work my ass off, and I love that.”

  “I remember that,” Jake told him with a smile. “Not all the actors I’ve worked with do.”

  “Yeah. That’s why I’ve managed to do what I have done, at least,” Tristan told him. “Directors who want someone who’s easy to work with. And then I can learn to be good at it as I go.”

  “Now who’s wise?”

  “Ah, it gets better.” Tristan smirked and tapped Jake’s nose, which earned him a yelp and a swat. He laughed. “See, you might be worried about starting a family and waiting around too late, but… you just need to get started. Figure it out as you go. Right?”

  Hopefully that advice was right. He wasn’t a parent. He knew plenty of parents, but mostly more successful actors, or those with spouses who had day jobs to cover their acting hobby.

  But he was pretty sure nobody was supposed to know what they were doing at first. That was the classic refrain, anyway.

  “I am getting started,” Jake told him. He scooted closer, and Tristan wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Jake picked up Tristan’s other hand and started rubbing that one now, pressing his cheek into Tristan’s shoulder. “I’ve stopped hormones. I’m gonna see if my cycle comes back, and if I can still get pregnant, and… figure out a job, and a better place to live… and find a donor. I don’t think a sperm bank would work with me. Well, I know they wouldn’t.”

  Whoa. That was a lot to take in at once. Tristan blinked a few times at him, and his admiration only grew. “As a single dad?”

  “Sure,” Jake said and grinned. “No parenting disputes.”

  Tristan cracked a smile. “It’s a lot of work to be a single parent, but I think you’ll be fine.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No, really.” Tristan squeezed him around the shoulders. “I know we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but… you do have your shit together. You make me think and teach me things. You’re willing to work hard to support your family, I can tell that right away. If you don’t know all the details… well, they’ll get filled in later.”

  Jake finally leaned in to kiss him. Plain as day, it was a nonverbal thank you. Tristan smiled and cupped Jake’s cheek as he kissed him back, letting them have this sweet, tender moment together.

  “All right,” Jake murmured. “You’re right. I’ll figure it out as I go… and so will you. But I wanted to tell you that. Even if we’re using condoms, I thought you should know. It could take a while for my fertility to return, but there’s that chance.”

  Tristan appreciated Jake even more. “That’s very respectful. See? Good dad material,” he teased. He squeezed Jake’s shoulder and settled down again, then hummed. “And you want to be the one… carrying the baby?” He didn’t really know how to talk about it, but so far, he hadn’t horribly offended Jake. He was willing to give it a try.

  “Yeah. I worried for a while that it was too weird, that I wasn’t supposed to. But I think it’s just parenting instinct. Wanting biological kids. And since I can’t make sperm…”

  Tristan shook his head. “No, I get it.” If he were honest, he’d felt that itch, too. “I mean, I can’t imagine what it’s like to look at… you know, nine months of all that… but a lot of people want kids. I don’t think that’s a gender thing at all.”

  Jake sighed and snuggled into him. It was a distinctly comfortable movement, and it made Tristan smile that Jake felt so good with him. “Yeah,” Jake murmured. “Exactly. I want all those organs out eventually, but I want kids first. And egg freezing is horrible.”

  “Is it?” Tristan could honestly say he knew nothing at all about it.

  “Oh, yeah. And even then, there’s no guarantees it would work, and I’d have to find someone else to carry the baby, and… just… no. If I can do it, it would make life a lot easier. No getting doctors involved until I have to.”

  There was something hiding in the undertones of his voice there. Tristan could hear it. Maybe fear? Resentment? Anxiety? All perfectly understandable emotions.

  “I get that,” Tristan murmured. “It’s gotta be a big thing to think about.”

  “Understatement.” Jake laughed. “Anyway, that’s why I’m all hormonal, so… sorry.”

  Tristan shook his head. “No, don’t apologize. I get emotional too. All of us are like… big meat sacks driven around by hormones and feelings and instinct. We all have our beep beep, hormonal road rage moments. How the hell are we all still alive?”

  Jake broke out laughing and doubled over, covering his face. “It’s true.”

  Seeing Jake lighten up made Tristan grin. “Anyway, we should probably… I mean, I should get to sleep.”

  “It’s late. You wanna stay over?”

  “Call time is early,” Tristan warned, but his heart lifted with hope.

  He didn’t know why, but he wanted company that night. Maybe because they’d talked about so many vulnerable things, and it felt like the middle of the night, and he just wanted to curl up with Jake and sleep off this strange fog of emotional closeness.

  Jake grinned. “I’m used to that. I’ll set an alarm for you.”

  “Then yeah,” Tristan told him softly, rubbing his back. “I’d love to stay.”

  Jake smiled and stood up, offering him a hand. “Bedroom’s this way.”

  One thing was for sure: the more he got to know Jake, the more he wanted to get to know him. He was falling toward him, and he couldn’t stop himself.

  9

  Jake

  Waking up in Tristan’s arms made Jake smile, no matter what hour the alarm was going off.

  “Oh, God,” Tristan mumbled behind his neck, pressing his forehead into the back of Jake’s neck. “Is it morning already?”

  Jake laughed quietly as he rubbed Tristan’s arm, then rolled over to turn the alarm off. “Afraid so.”

  He had been described as an annoyingly cheerful morning person before, but he’d learned to rein it in. Too many people had threatened to punch him for being bright and chirpy before they’d had caffeine.

  “Fine,” Tristan grumbled. “But I won’t like it.”

  Jake grinned to himself, then schooled his expression into sympathy as he rolled over to face Tristan. “I could improve your morning.”

  Ding! He practically heard the cartoon sound and saw the lightbulb over Tristan’s head as interest brightened his sleepy eyes and downturned mouth. “Oh?”

  Jake hummed, and then scooted his way down Tristan’s body, pulling the sheet over his head when he reached his waist. A whole blanket on top would make him overheat, but there were few things sexier than the sight of a sheet bobbing over your dick.

  Morning wood greeted him, and Jake grinned. Half of his work was already done. He breathed across the tip gently, until Tristan started squirming.

  “Oh, man. You can brighten my day.”

  Jake chuckled, and then licked the tip slowly. He took the velvet-soft weight into his mouth, bobbing his head down at just the right angle to take it to the back of his throat.

  Yeah, he was good at giving head, and he was proud of it. He liked making guys feel good, and he’d even learned to live with the fact that he rarely got as good head in return.

  Tristan tried, though, bless him. He was getting better. With a little training, he was almost boyfriend material.

  Jake choked. When was the last time I thought that about anyone?

  Tristan gasped and groaned sharply at the sound. Of course it was sexy to hear. It was a compliment, after all.

  Jake stifled his smile and deliberately choked a few more times, just a little, as he kept going.

  “Baby, I’m nearly there,” Tristan warned in a whisper. “So damn sensitive in the morning.”

  As far as Jake was concerned, Tristan didn’t need to explain himself. He’d take it as a compliment.

  He moaned his encouragement, and Tristan’s hot load went straight down his throat.
Maybe he shouldn’t have done it, but he’d deal with it later. Oral was pretty low-risk, as far as risks went.

  And he hadn’t slept with anyone else in, like, a month. That was practically commitment as far as he was concerned.

  “Oh, man. You’re the hottest guy I’ve ever known.” Tristan wasn’t even saying it with that overly eager see? I’m gendering you right! tone he was used to. Which meant that Jake could just relax and enjoy the compliment.

  Or squirm at it, really. He hardly knew what to do when he wasn’t on-guard for backhanded compliments.

  Jake knew he was blushing as he poked his head out from under the sheet for fresh, cool air. At least he could blame it on the heat under the sheets. “Yeah.” He tried to play it cool.

  Tristan smiled and pulled him up by the arms until he lay on Tristan’s chest, their foreheads bumping. Jake squeaked with surprise.

  Tristan laughed. “Sorry.”

  “Oh, I’ll let you get away with the manhandling. Just this once,” Jake teased. He rolled off and checked the clock. “What time do you have to get going?”

  Tristan followed his gaze and then gasped, sitting straight upright. “Shit.”

  Jake rolled off him and pointed him to the shower. “That way. I think I’ve got something to fit you.”

  “I’ll only be in it until I get to set anyway. I can bring your clothes back,” Tristan called as he sprinted.

  “No problem.” Jake flopped back against the pillows and sighed to himself as he shoved his underwear down, then pinched his cock between two fingers and started jerking off as the shower ran.

  An all-too-familiar scenario, and one he’d avoided with Tristan until now. Oh, well. He couldn’t have it all.

  By the time Tristan was out, Jake had gotten off, and he was shoving on sweatpants for the morning as he laid out clothes that were just a bit too big for him.

  “You working today?” Tristan hopped from foot to foot as he pulled on socks, and Jake reached out to steady him with a hand on his arm.

  “Yeah. Later, at the restaurant.”

  “Until late?”

  “I’m closing.”

  “Huh. Okay. I’ll text me when I’m done, then,” Tristan told him. “I owe you one.” Jake waved him off, but Tristan added, “Seriously,” and pulled him in for a quick kiss before he sprinted for the door.

  “Bye!”

  “Have a good day!”

  With that, the door closed, and Jake leaned against the wall of his bedroom to try to figure out how he felt.

  “You look like the cat who got the cream.”

  Amanda always saw through him. They were just casual work friends—coworkers who swapped jokes—but Jake was glad for her company. She’d quickly spotted him and taken him under her wing when he started working there.

  When they had a slow shift, they traded jokes and sometimes stories. After they closed the place, the raunchier stories came out. Or back in the kitchen—the kitchen staff loved a good gossip. He could see Milo listening in as he chopped lemon slices.

  “Uh.” Jake looked for an escape, but he had two tables, and neither of them needed another water refill. The supper rush had long since passed, leaving just the last few stragglers.

  Good thing, too. His energy was pretty damn low. It felt like dragging himself through molasses just to get dressed and get to work on time, let alone do anything at work.

  He’d forgotten what this felt like, since teaching himself to self-inject his T. No more appointment gaps between nurse-administered injections.

  Amanda knew she had him cornered. She folded her arms and grinned. “No denying it. Spill. Is it a boy?”

  Jake couldn’t stop his blush. Fuck. Why did he always react so easily? It was not a well-adapted trait for survival of embarrassing situations and interrogation.

  “It is!” Amanda’s brows shot up. “Holy crap. How long now?”

  The chopping stopped, and Milo poked his head around the corner to watch them.

  Jake waved at them both. “Gossips, both of you. A week or two, I dunno. Super-casual, that’s all.”

  “But you like him. You haven’t told me about a boy since… like… ages ago.” Amanda twirled her hair around her pen and tucked it behind her ear again as she thought. “The one who turned out to be a dick.”

  “Could be any of ‘em,” Jake muttered, making her grin. His last boyfriend had been over a year ago. He’d had a string of three-month relationships before one thing or another got in the way. It wasn’t exactly a glowing track record on his part.

  “Is he cute? What’s his name?”

  Jake bit his lip and shook his head. “Can’t say.”

  “You don’t know his name?” Milo piped up, no longer bothering to pretend he wasn’t listening.

  Jake snorted and sank onto the stool by the POS system. None of those checks were close to ready to print. Could he escape to unload the dishwasher? “Ha ha. No. I can’t say. He’s… closeted.”

  Amanda hissed through clenched teeth, her brows knitting together. “Wow. And you’re… you. You’re okay with that?”

  “Yeah.” Jake offered a smile. “Nobody can decide that kind of stuff for anyone else. He feels safer that way.”

  “Is he?”

  Jake wasn’t sure, honestly. “I mean, I hated the closet myself… but it’s a different kind of thing for me. And I’ve never had much choice but to be open gender-wise, so… sexuality was almost easy after that. It all came together, at once. I don’t know what it’s like to grow up gay. Who am I to argue?”

  “You were still gay before, um,” Amanda fumbled. “Before transition.”

  “Right,” Jake agreed, offering a smile to reassure her that she’d used the right word. “But I didn’t always know. I wasn’t a little seven-year-old boy wanting to kiss other boys on the playground. Yeah, some gay trans guys do feel like they grew up gay. Not me, though. It’s just a different experience.”

  “And I haven’t been kept out of STEM programs for being a girl, but some girls are,” Amanda pointed out, then jerked a thumb at Milo. “He’s a gay chef. That’s a hard business, too. We all have different experiences. But if you end up hiding away when you’re not used to it…”

  “Oh, no,” Jake reassured her, even though doubt nibbled at his thoughts. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”

  The door opened, and he hurried to the front to escape the worry that he might just let Tristan hide him away from the world, if just to be with him.

  He couldn’t process what he was seeing for a few seconds.

  Tristan stood there, a red rose in his hand.

  Oh, God. He’s got a wife. He just came from a date. He’s on his way to see someone. All of those possibilities occurred to him before the one easiest explanation that presented itself.

  Or, rather, was presented when Tristan reached out to offer him the rose.

  “Um.” Jake’s voice cracked. He felt dizzy as he took the stem of the rose, then glanced down at it and up at Tristan a few times.

  Tristan cleared his throat. “That’s to say sorry for running out on you this morning. And to say… um, thanks for the talk last night. And thanks for everything. Is it okay for me to come by?”

  Tristan’s confidence seemed to fade as he looked at Jake, replaced by a shy kind of charm he hadn’t seen before.

  Jake kind of hoped that meant he was feeling the same way that he felt about Tristan, but he didn’t want to count on it. And he especially didn’t want to ask. Not yet.

  Not so soon.

  “Yeah, sure,” Jake said with a smile. Other waiters had their boyfriends and girlfriends and whatever come by. It wasn’t a big deal. “If you don’t mind. But if you’ve given me… and my coworkers see…”

  “I remember last night’s talk,” Tristan said quietly. “It doesn’t really matter how big a name I am. There will never be a good time to make the big reveal. I don’t want to get to the top of my field and then find out who doesn’t really have my back. So I’m not goi
ng to do any Pride floats, but I’m not hiding it, either. That’s a miserable life. Can I just grab a table and order cheesecake and stare adoringly at you?”

  “O-Of course. Yeah. Yes. Of course. Sorry.” Jake snapped into hosting mode and brought him to a quiet table in the corner, well aware of the few people in the restaurant glancing at the rose in his hands, and the man who was with him. His cheeks were bright red, he knew it.

  At least he didn’t have to tell Tristan that he’d been gossiping about him just a minute ago. Tristan was comfortable with his coworkers guessing, or he wouldn’t have come here—especially not bearing flowers.

  “I can hold onto that until you’re done your shift, if you want,” Tristan offered with a smile. “If I can lure you back to my place tonight…”

  Jake wasn’t in until lunchtime tomorrow, and he suspected Amanda would fall over herself to pick up his shift if he so much as hinted that he wanted the day off, too. He fought back a smile when he glanced over his shoulder and saw her quickly walking the other way.

  “Okay. But I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in the morning.”

  Tristan’s face fell, but he nodded. “If you need to take off early, you can. God knows I did today,” he laughed.

  “We’ll figure it out.” Jake set the rose on the table and tried desperately to remember his serving protocols. “So, um, the dessert menu…”

  “Strawberry cheesecake,” Tristan told him with a broad smile. “I looked up the menu online.”

  “O-Oh. Cool. And to drink?”

  “I’ll take a Diet Coke.”

  Jake nodded quickly. “Got it.” He strode for the kitchen to enter the order, and no sooner than he’d tapped his ID into the computer than Amanda appeared at his elbow.

  “Is that him?” she hissed. “Holy shit, he’s hot!”

  Jake winked. “Remember what I said. I can’t confirm or deny anything.”

  “Oh, my God. You need to date this man,” Amanda told him, and her face settled into alarming determination. “He brought you a flower. If you could see your face right now, hon. That man is your dreamboat.”