Forever (F-Word Book 4)

by E. Davies

  Oof. Tristan hadn’t expected that. Again, as with everything Jake did, it made sense, but it came out of the blue. This man never stopped surprising him with the size of his heart. “I love you for wanting to give me that choice,” he admitted. “Wow.”

  “Least I can do,” Jake said with a chuckle. “For my husband.” Then, he blushed and looked down at his plate.

  Tristan paused and stared at him. It was rare that either of them brought that up. Why now? He cleared his throat to catch his eye again. “Babe. I think we’re at an impasse. We’re both willing to sacrifice for the other person, but neither of us wants to accept that help. And both of us have to learn that, if we want to make this work.”

  Jake laughed. “Yeah.”

  “For my part,” Tristan led, drawing a deep breath, “I hate missing things like the ultrasound today. And I’m going to miss so much more, if I keep on this path. It’s really hard to resolve that in my head. I’ll have months where you get sick of seeing me around, and then months where you never see me. And with a newborn… I’ll miss once-in-a-lifetime moments.” It was the first time he’d admitted even to himself how much that worried him.

  “Are you getting cold feet now that you’re settled in this job?” Jake asked. His tone wasn’t judgmental, but the words themselves stung.

  More than that, it was true—he’d kept his head down and prayed to keep the role. Stefan hadn’t replaced him, though, and he hadn’t been meddling with Tristan’s choices. They were far enough into production now that Tristan felt like he was safe.

  And now that he was safe, he had the itch to throw himself into danger once again.

  “I… yeah,” Tristan admitted quietly, once he’d swallowed the honest truth. He loved that Jake gave it to him—in every possible way—but sometimes, like now, it hurt. “My ego. Again with the fear of rejection. But I feel stupid saying that. I can’t afford to have an ego right now.”

  “Honey,” Jake said, setting down his fork and leaning over to take his hand. “You’re good enough to get hired no matter who you’re screwing… or even married to. If you want to leave acting, then do it. If you want to keep acting, commit to it. After this movie, take some time to figure out which it’ll be, but don’t keep waffling back and forth.”

  Again, it stung, but it was too true. He’d been so indecisive for so long about whether he wanted to pursue this that he hadn’t made any real effort either way. Sure, he’d promised himself he’d audition more and hit the streets to knock on doors, but he hadn’t followed through.

  And he was afraid that if he came out and Hollywood rejected him, like Bobby thought would happen, it would crush his heart.

  “And missing moments happens. It’ll happen no matter what job either of us does,” Jake added when Tristan didn’t say anything. “A lot of actors are married with kids. They make it work. So what’s really worrying you?”

  Tristan slowly shook his head as he chuckled. “You oughta be an actor yourself. You’ve got a way of getting to the truth.” And that, he realized, was exactly it. “I… Everything I’m doing in this movie?” Jake’s encouraging nod gave him the confidence to continue. “I feel like it’s too personal. My heart’s in this, and I’m way more vulnerable on screen. Actors always are, because we’re putting out feelings out there. And now it’s a gay story, and there’s romance, and… every time I look at him and the cameras are rolling, I imagine he’s you. Except his character has a bunch of friends and family supporting him. But you didn’t, and you still made it. You’re tough as fucking nails, baby.”

  Jake laughed sheepishly, but he didn’t deny it. “Are you proud of what you do?”

  It was a good question. Tristan had to take a moment to think about it. He was now, and he was especially proud of doing it without letting anyone tell him how. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. I’m ready to be proud of who I am, too. No more hiding on set. No more letting Bobby tell me who I need to be to stay employed. It’s not gonna be easy, but…”

  “But I promised to be there with you,” Jake said. “And I meant it. I so appreciate that you want to keep me safe, but you need to be happy. And hiding me… for some reason, doesn’t make you happy.”

  If Jake kept this up, maybe one day, Tristan would feel like he was worth all that love he heard in Jake’s voice. “Of course not. I don’t want to hide the best thing that ever happened to me,” he told Jake, and that smile made his heart absolutely melt.

  “What do you expect on set?”

  Tristan nodded. “It’ll be fine. I mean, we’re doing a gay movie, for God’s sake. People won’t care. I’ve been using the long-term picture as an excuse.”

  “I don’t want to let you use excuses anymore,” Jake told him with a frank smile. “You’re better than that.”

  Tristan beamed. The only other guy he trusted to do that was Zeph, and he was the best friend a guy could ask for. He couldn’t think of a better trait to have in a partner. “Thank you. I’ll commit, then,” Tristan said, drawing a deep breath. “For real this time. If Bobby doesn’t like it, I’ll fire him. I’ll tell the world who I am, and I’ll audition for everything I can.” He was fired up now—more so than he could remember being in a long time. “I don’t want to hold myself back and give myself excuses if I fail. If I’ve tried my hardest and it doesn’t work, I’ll deal with it then. But maybe it won’t go terribly. Times are changing, whatever Bobby says.”

  “They are,” Jake said with a smile. “Gay actors? Pregnant men? What’s next? People minding their own business?”

  Tristan laughed. “Oh, I wish.”

  He was still smiling as he finished his dinner and cleared away the dishes, and as he and Jake headed to the bedroom afterward.

  Every time he and Jake talked, it felt like another brick being laid in the foundation of their relationship. One more reason to trust that it would all work out. Without Jake at his side, he might have had less need to make money, sure. But he never would have had the guts to be himself no matter what, either.

  A guy couldn’t get much luckier.

  25

  Jake

  Tristan would have torn this locum obstetrician a new one. Jake would have, too, if he’d been expecting it.

  But nobody had bothered giving him a heads-up that his usual doctor was on vacation, and apparently, nobody had told him that he’d be seeing a pregnant man, either.

  Jake choked back the tears of frustration. If he’d only known, he could have prepared himself mentally, or brought more paperwork, or asked the trans-friendly doula to accompany him.

  Instead, he was facing this alone, and the last six years of his life weighed on him.

  “Is that everything for today?” Jake asked coldly. He didn’t care if he came off as rude, but he didn’t want this asshole seeing that he’d successfully gotten to him.

  “You do know you can’t breastfeed, right? Bottle-feeding is associated with poorer health outcomes, too.” The disapproval, even scorn, in the doctor’s voice was impossible to miss. They were months away from Jake needing to worry about it. The only possible reason he could be bringing it up was to make Jake feel inferior as a parent, and that was the last straw.

  “Look,” Jake said, standing up. “If you’re not going to give me my fourteen-week checkup, just say so.”

  “I don’t see where your problem is coming from,” Dr. Whoever said. Williams, Jake thought he’d heard the receptionist say. Williams rolled his eyes. “Many women experience uncontrollable emotions…”

  Jake had put up with quite enough of this for one day. He had no doubt this was the kind of guy who thought women were ruled by their uncontrollable emotions, and PMS made women crazy. Even after transition, Jake had no time for assholes who said that kind of shit.

  He headed for the door. “There’s no reason for me to put up with disrespect. Goodbye.” The doctor tried to say something, but Jake tuned it out as he walked out of the office, shaking but glowing with pride.

  His usual obstetrician would be b
ack next week, the receptionist had said. He’d wait until then, and complain when he talked to her. She slipped on pronouns sometimes, or would say women and then look apologetic or confused. But she sure as hell didn’t revel in it the way this guy had—deliberately sprinkling language throughout his sentences and looking at Jake’s reactions.

  Once he got to his car, Jake let the brave front drop and slumped back in his seat, crying it out.

  It was the worst feeling in the world to be called something he wasn’t, but he dealt with it when it was unavoidable or unintentional. Someone like this Williams guy deliberately baiting him was nothing he should have had to deal with. The afternoon stretched ahead of him, and then a long evening, and then part of the night, before he was going to see Tristan again.

  Whatever he told Tristan so as not to upset him, Jake missed his presence sometimes. Having someone stare at him weirdly and call him female as much as humanly possible in one sentence was one of those times.

  It was the middle of the day, but he called Nic before he knew what he was doing.

  “Hey, Jake,” Nic answered almost right away. “What’s up?”

  Jake sniffed and cleared his throat. “Um, are you or Kyle free today?”

  “I can be,” Nic told him. “What’s up?”

  Fuck. Now he had to actually ask for help, and Jake didn’t know how to do that. “I… I just had a shitty obstetrician appointment. I kind of wanted company…” he trailed off.

  “Where are you now?”

  “The parking lot,” Jake admitted with a shaky laugh.

  “Oh, shit. You mean you just got out of it now?”

  “I don’t want to drive while I’m…” Jake trailed off, wiping his eyes again. “Sorry. God.” He felt bad that Nic was seeing him such a mess again, but he’d never once judged him.

  In the weeks since the Target incident, he’d seen one or the other of the guys more than once. They’d treated him exactly like normal, and he’d grown to realize that they really were that kind of person who wouldn’t freak out and run away when he was his real self with them.

  It was the kind of friendship he planned to hang onto.

  “I was working from home anyway. I can take off for a couple hours. I’ll be right there,” Nic promised. “Text me the address.”

  “What? No, you don’t have to come here.”

  “If you’re upset, no driving,” Nic said firmly. “Let me come there.”

  Jake let out a long breath. Nic was right. He wasn’t going to put himself and everyone else at risk by doing something dumb for his pride’s sake.

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  “See you in a minute.”

  Jake pushed the sun visor down and reclined in his seat, folding his hands on his stomach as he waited for his friends. For once in his life, he didn’t feel absolutely shitty about waiting to be rescued, either.

  If there was one thing he’d learned over the last few months, it was that everyone needed help sometime. He couldn’t wait until he could pay it forward.

  “Hello,” Nic greeted the receptionist with a sunny, yet firm smile. He had a take no bullshit attitude on, and she seemed to recognize that right away.

  Jake tried not to cling to his side. Even being in here again gave him anxiety, but once Nic had heard what happened, he refused to let Jake leave without getting proper medical care. And he was right, but Jake hadn’t been able to imagine walking back in here without someone like Tristan at his side.

  Or, apparently, Nic, who was already explaining that Jake had cut an appointment short, and while they waited to file a complaint, Dr. Williams should see him again—this time, properly. And this time, accompanied by Nic as well as another representative from the medical clinic.

  It took a little while, but eventually the clinic manager got involved. She first tried to insist that they couldn’t have another appointment, but in polite but firm terms, Nic stood his ground.

  Jake was too wrapped up in anxiety over the prospect of seeing Dr. Williams again to pay much attention to the back-and-forth until Nic looked at him.

  “Is that okay? Seeing him again for a shorter appointment, with Sarah and me there?”

  Jake nodded slowly, even if his heart raced. He’d had enough shitty doctors for one lifetime, and he didn’t want more. But his own health was on the line, as was the baby’s. He couldn’t afford pride.

  “Yes.”

  Before he knew it, they were whisked through into an examination room—a different one, this time—and Sarah went off without them.

  Nic squeezed his hand. “Sure you’re okay?”

  Jake offered him a smile. “Terrified, but with witnesses, he might be better. Thank you.” He couldn’t thank Nic enough for showing up for him like this.

  “My pleasure,” Nic assured him. “It’ll be over with before you know it. And next week, you can file that complaint. I’ll come along for that if you want, too.”

  Jake’s smile broadened. “It’s nice to have friends. Especially ones who will kick ass for you.”

  “Yeah,” Nic grinned back at him. “I do love kicking ass.”

  The door opened, and Dr. Williams entered, accompanied by Sarah. As Dr. Williams read his chart notes, he spoke in such a cursory manner that Jake might have taken offense. If he weren’t so relieved that Dr. Williams was suddenly avoiding pronouns or gender references, he would have.

  All you had to do last time was this, he mentally told the doctor, but he held it in for now and answered the questions.

  One quick exam later, he was done. There weren’t even any blood tests—not until his next appointment in two weeks’ time, Dr. Williams explained.

  “Thank you for your time,” Nic said, unfailingly polite as he steered Jake out. Jake didn’t even feel very bad not thanking Dr. Williams. He did smile and nod at Sarah on the way by, though.

  Once they were outside, Nic high-fived him. “You did it.”

  “And it wasn’t even that scary,” Jake admitted with a laugh. “Sure, he acted like he was allergic to me, but…”

  “Better than being an even bigger dickface about it. Now, celebratory French fries before I have to head back to work?”

  Jake laughed. “Yes, please. I’d murder for some fries.”

  “I’ll help you hide the body,” Nic told him with a straight face. “Come on. I’ll drive.”

  26

  Tristan

  Tristan had no idea what had compelled him to pick up his phone during lunch break, but for once, he actually checked it. The message waiting there made his gut drop.

  I’m okay, but the gyn appointment today was with a locum and it went badly. Nic picked me up and advocated for me. Had a second appointment and all is well with me + baby though. Hope your day goes better!

  “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, slowing down as he pushed his plate of catered food back.

  “What’s the matter?” He and Brian usually ate together, and his costar looked concerned for him.

  Tristan shook his head. “My partner had a bad medical appointment today.” Over the last couple weeks, he’d said boyfriend and partner in strategic conversations, and he was pretty sure most people had gotten the message now, but he and Brian had never really addressed it. “I wish I could be there for him more.”

  “Ahh. That’s gotta be hard, man,” Brian frowned. Then, he hesitated. “Can I ask you something?”

  Tristan had been expecting it ages ago. “Yeah. He’s my boyfriend, and he’s pregnant.”

  “Oh.” Brian took a few seconds to understand. “Right. Cool. That’s… that question. You know, I told Stefan you had a pregnant girlfriend. Now he probably thinks you’re in a three-way.”

  Tristan laughed. “I can barely handle a boyfriend. I don’t know what I’d do with two partners.”

  “I feel you there,” Brian agreed with a grin. “So, are you… um, public about all that? Or should I keep it hush-hush?”

  “Starting to get there,” Tristan shrugged. “This m
ovie will be a big clue. I’ll be open in interviews and stuff from now on.” He bit his lip as he looked back at the phone. “But I don’t care if it gets out. I’ve been too closeted for too long.”

  “Good for you, man,” Brian said. “But yeah, it’s hard when you can’t be there. I’ve gone through it, too, with my wife.”

  “How do you deal with it?”

  “Reminding myself that she wants me to do what makes me happy, and that we’ve all gotta work. I’m gonna miss those moments somehow. I might as well do something I’m proud of, and support them, and… make a difference. If movies like this break down stereotypes, and show people that straight actors can play gay… hopefully you guys start to get chances to play straight characters, too.”

  “That’s what I’m counting on.” Tristan shared a smile with Brian. At least that was one worry out of his hair. Now he had to figure out what to do about Jake.

  It was going to be a long day before he could get home to him. For now, all he could do was send him a string of hearts and tell him how much he loved him.

  “Oh, my God. You’re home early!”

  The surprise and joy on Jake’s face was totally worth skipping drinks with the cast. Tristan didn’t want to make a habit of it and screw with his attempts to make the set feel like a little family, but right now, he needed to be here. His real-life family came first.

  Jake’s reaction confirmed to him that it was the right thing to do.

  “I’m here as soon as I could be,” Tristan told him, and then he paused and stared around at Jake.

  He had fabric draped everywhere, needles spread over the table, his sewing machine halfway taken apart, and printed instructions taped to the wall.

  “Did I find Santa’s workshop?”

  Jake laughed as he danced through the mess and came to hug him. “Surprise: you married an elf.”

  “That explains how you’re always so beautiful,” Tristan murmured, pressing a kiss against Jake’s lips. God, he loved seeing him blush, but he also loved knowing that he was telling Jake his feelings, and hopefully Jake felt good because of it.