A Spark of Joy

by Lea Darragh

  I was thinking that if she assumed it might be too rude to ask, then maybe she shouldn’t have been asking in the first place. I sighed as she stared expectantly at me. I guess it was a fair question, and there was no delicate way to articulate it.

  ‘Brooke hasn’t told you?’ I said, hoping all I had to do was fill in the blanks.

  Angie shook her head quickly. ‘No, no. Nothing,’ she said, her perfectly shaped brows arching as the lie fell out of her mouth. I knew there’d been speculation about my baby-daddy, as they indelicately called him. There usually was when things didn’t quite click into place. From the start I’d resisted talking about it, or him, or how it all came to be.

  Everyone was settling down as Brooke finished displaying the mountain of gorgeous, professionally wrapped gifts before me, but Angie waited.

  ‘Maybe we’ll catch up for brunch soon, and discuss it then?’ I said, hoping she’d take the hint and move away.

  Angie’s brows returned to their natural position, clearly disappointed I hadn’t divulged a saucy piece of intel. ‘Yes, of course. Soon,’ she said as she backed away, finding a stool to perch herself upon.

  A sea of gender-neutral balloons, handcrafted biscuits, lollies in mason jars, a ‘guess the date, weight, sex’ poll, plus a stomach-lurching display of fake smiles and not-quite-touching hugs had been the filling of this early summer afternoon. I hadn’t fully agreed to this baby shower, but as these things went, it was happening anyway. Apparently I’d regret it if I didn’t fully immerse myself in all the traditional celebrations before the baby arrived.

  The truth was, I barely knew any of these people. It was irrelevant that I’d worked with most of them for five years at Hudson Interiors, since I’d accepted a position as a designer when I’d moved from Cornwall—halfway across the world from Cobblers Cove—for a fresh start. While the ocean backdrop had well and truly courted me, most of the people had not, and I was entirely happy to take the blame. The lowly mood that propelled me to hop on a jet and leave my life behind had followed me, become a perpetuity, despite the sun and smiles I’d come for. I’d stayed though, because it was better than having overbearing parents and lousy exes reminding me nothing good would ever come from my life back in the UK. I thought I’d be heading into a perfect dream beneath the southern sun. I never imaged I’d still feel alone, that I’d fall pregnant during a one-night stand and be thrown into single motherhood. As I scanned my eyes over the room, I realised my life was no different to the one I had left behind—except for this little poppet who was my only source of hope.

  I’d been plopped before these people, in front of me an ocean of gifts I begged them not to buy me. I’d been their pet project since they’d first, accidently, discovered I was pregnant. I would have gotten away with it for much longer had I not suffered horrid morning sickness and had the toilets not been communal. Since then, I’d been appraised with mournful—on account of my lack of marriage status—full-lashed eyes. Their efforts didn’t make me feel taken care of. I felt like I’d be put back on the shelf as soon as they’d finished playing with me. Once the baby was born, their game would be over.

  Brooke, my boss’s wife, and the only person who may have pieced together the puzzle re: my baby-daddy, was so proud that I was going at this alone without needing a man at my side. In actual fact, I was terrified that within a month I’d be a mother, knowing that all of these women gathered here now would be nowhere to be found when I’d truly need help. I didn’t dare tell Brooke that I wished I actually did have that man, my child’s father, to fall back on when I couldn’t muster the strength to change another nappy, or sing another lullaby while my child screamed endlessly. I knew I’d never get a reprieve from motherhood—that’s another thing I wasn’t game enough to tell these women, these perfect mothers who had husbands with lavish jobs, providing an income they could pretend didn’t exist. But I knew them. I knew they felt sorry for me, and that this baby shower was more about gloating to their Instagram followers about how philanthropic and glorious they were than it was about the actual mother-to-be. Or maybe I was just hormonal and jealous and incredibly resentful of everyone who seemed to have a better, put-together life than mine. Honestly, as the months of this pregnancy rolled on, it had become harder and harder to tell the difference.

  ‘Are you ok?’ Brooke mouthed from across the room. I gave her a forged smile that would win me an Oscar award.

  Here I sat in front of my work colleagues trying to feel grateful; also, trying to ignore the fact that I needed to wee again. I plastered a smile on my face. If I didn’t at least try and get into the spirit, I’d explode. Nobody, especially Brooke, snapping a not-so-discreet photo of me from across the room, wanted that.

  ‘Ok, ladies,’ Brooke began as she addressed the room. ‘Shhh, shhh, shhh. Now, we all know that our goddess friend, Olivia, is about to embark on a journey that will change her life forever …’ She paused, nodding and giving an all-knowing smile in response to the oh yes, motherhood is divine … giving birth is magical … swoon … swoon … swoon … we are women, hear us roar … chortle, chortle, chortle …

  I kept up that contrived smile, laying my hands on my mound of a belly, waiting to feel empowered. Still, I felt terrified.

  ‘So, we thought, Olivia, that we would collectively do our best to get you and your little one off to the best possible start. Before we begin with the spoils, though, I think we should play our last game. Now …’ She paused again as the women giggled. I glanced around, wondering what the joke was, or the reason some were smothering their giddy reaction with their fingers on their mouths.

  ‘I’m not going to have to try and paint my toenails, am I?’ I said, wanting to be part of the joke rather than the butt of it. ‘Because I’m not sure if I even have them anymore. I haven’t seen them in months,’ I added with a forced laugh, still holding onto my belly. The baby reacted and I gazed down at it, watching my skin as a hip or a foot or an elbow protruded against it. Geez, I loved that feeling.

  ‘Olivia?’ Brooke said and I snapped my head up; I’d been lost in my baby’s movement.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I was just saying that for this you’ll need to close your eyes.’ Fine. I did as I was told, dramatically covering them with my hands to truly play along. ‘There’s one present we haven’t brought out yet. It was too big to wrap, and we didn’t want to give away the surprise too early. Can you guess what it might be?’

  I thought about it, my hearing on high alert as something was shuffled into the room. ‘Too big to wrap …’ I said, thinking, thinking … ‘Is it heavy?’

  There was a chorus of hushed giggles before Brooke answered. ‘Not at all. But it’s not light either. It looks just about right to me.’

  ‘Oh, um. I have no idea. Can I have another clue?’

  ‘Think of the last thing you’d ever expect this group of empowered, strong women to give you.’

  A snort escaped me. ‘Not too heavy. Not too light. Something I’d never think you’d get for me … I’m trying really hard not to say stripper,’ I said, waiting for the laughter. There was none. Just a shuffling of bodies as the gift was brought closer. With my hands still pressed against my eyes I fought the urge to peek. I recognised a woodsy scent with a hint of spice in the air … but it couldn’t be … my mind must have been playing tricks. Just like the vivid dreams, torturous with their refusal to come true.

  ‘I’m not sure a baby shower is the place for a stripper,’ Brooke said, her playful yet admonishing voice now close to my ear. ‘You can have one more guess before I let you open your eyes.’

  ‘I was kidding,’ I said in nervous apology.

  ‘Well,’ she paused for theatrical effect. ‘Then I guess you should open your eyes.’

  I slowly dropped my hands away, lifting my lids and squinting as my blurred vision adjusted. As far as I could tell, there was nothing new to see, until Brooke cleared her throat beside me. She stepped back and there he was.

 
‘Josh,’ I said in a breath. I tried to stand but my belly suddenly felt like lead, and I became deeply aware of the way he gazed down at it—his ocean eyes just as perfect as I remembered them. His hands were deep in the pockets of his cargo shorts. A navy-blue t-shirt brought out the grey flecks in his eyes. His hair was cut short, the curls only just there, and they awakened the memory of my fingers once entwined within them.

  ‘Hi,’ he said when he found my eyes.

  Brooke reached out a hand and I took it as she helped me up. ‘I think you two have some catching up to do,’ she said, proud as punch that she’d pulled off this surprise.

  It didn’t feel like a surprise to me. With Josh here, Brooke had thrown enough gossip bait out there that I felt like I was being thrown to the sharks, or at least one handsome, athletic, artistic shark who was wearing an astounded expression across his features. His smile was probably planted there, like mine had been. I’m sure he was being fuelled by pure shock. Just like I was.

  ‘It’s good to see you again, Olivia,’ Josh said as I shuffled in front of Brooke, my hand being given to Josh. We stood as if on stage in front of an enchanted crowd. I could feel their eyes on me—on us, I guess. The weight of expectation was palpable and made worse when he briefly kissed my cheek. Yes, it was definitely him I could smell before. Not a trick of the mind at all. Given the gravity of the unexpected task at hand, I’m not sure I preferred that.

  ‘You too,’ I whispered, barely able to find my voice, or maybe I just couldn’t hear it over the pounding of my heart. I glanced around at everyone, suddenly feeling the enormity of the moment. In a room full of people, I felt very alone. I slipped my hand from his.

  His smile dissipated. ‘Can we go somewhere and talk?’ he said.

  ‘Oh, I still have …’ I trailed off as I turned to Brooke, cowardice overruling duty.

  She shooed me away. ‘Don’t worry about all of this. Go. You two have a lot to talk about, I’m sure.’

  Chapter 3

  I manoeuvred my way past Josh, heading out the back door and into a courtyard. In the far corner, I found a concrete bench beneath a row of manicured lilly pillies. He sat beside me, leaving a gap. The further into the pregnancy I’d gotten, the more I appreciated not being overcrowded, and even more so in this moment where I had to have this difficult conversation. I glanced at Josh. He was sneaking side glances at my belly out of the corner of his eye. Wanting to look but not wanting to all at the same time.

  ‘You’re making me feel like I’m diseased or something,’ I said, trying to laugh but too panicked to truly pull it off. So instead, it sounded like an accusation.

  He found my eyes, shifting his body to face me. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to. I just have no idea how to process this information. The longer I sit here, the more pissed off I am with myself.’

  My heart plummeted. What? ‘I thought it might terrify you, or cause an extreme amount of anxiety, but it pisses you off. You’re actually annoyed about this?’ I said, becoming a lot annoyed myself.

  He gave me a long look. ‘I was excited to get back to Australia to see you, but clearly I’ve missed my chance … I shouldn’t have left you when I did.’

  I stared at him, confusion knitting my brows. ‘Missed your chance at what?’

  ‘In the eight months I’ve been away, you’ve moved on. I’ve let you slip through my fingers.’

  Huh. He’d missed a link in this story. ‘What did Brooke tell you, exactly?’

  ‘I got back from the UK two days ago. Last night, I met up with friends. Brooke and her husband were there. I was telling them about how I was glad to be home, and that I wanted to make some big changes in my life. She had all sorts of questions like she normally does. She asked me about getting married and having a family. I’m not usually candid but I thought stuff it. Why come back here wanting something so bad, to finally actively seek it out, again, and then be secretive about it? So, I told her a little about being in …’ he stopped himself. Obviously he didn’t want to be as candid with me. ‘I told her there was a woman that I was interested in but that it’d been a long time since we’d talked. And then she may as well have waterboarded me. Who is she? Would she know her? I didn’t give too much away, because I wanted our first reunion to be without an audience. A lot of good that did me.’

  ‘Brooke’s a problem solver. She can’t help herself when it comes to other people’s problems.’

  ‘Is that a good or a bad thing?’

  I looked away, coward that I was. ‘Some problems can’t be solved.’

  ‘We’ll soon find out, I guess,’ he said. ‘Olivia, I’ve thought about you. A lot, actually. I had so much to tell you.’

  I scrutinised at him. ‘Had?’

  ‘I don’t know if I have the right to anymore.’

  ‘Actually, it’s me who has the right to know what the hell happened back then.’

  ‘You’re absolutely right.’

  ‘But you don’t think there’s anything in it for you anymore, because of this baby?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ he shook his head. ‘What I did was shitty.’

  I laughed without humour. ‘Too right it bloody was, Josh. When you left without a word, I took it as sign that I meant nothing to you.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Liv. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. Truly, I didn’t.’

  ‘Well, you did.’

  ‘That night meant so much to me, it really did. Trust me, I’m more disappointed in myself than you’ll ever be,’ he said, his eyes dropping to my belly. ‘I realise the chance I wasted more than ever. I’m not great at recognising, or even accepting, things that are good for me.’

  ‘None of us are, Josh, not really. Not until they’re gone; and even then, we pretend that they weren’t as good as we thought they were. It’s a way of reconciling stupid mistakes. I know I’ve convinced myself that everything you said truly was just a line to get me into bed. One last hurrah before shipping yourself off, no consequences.’

  He stared at me. His shoulders sunk. ‘That’s not what I did.’

  ‘What else did Brooke tell you, about the baby I mean?’ I went on quickly so as to get this over and done with.

  ‘She didn’t tell me anything, except that she knew who I was talking about, and that I should come here to her house because there was something I should see. Seems kind of cruel if you ask me. I was excited. I hoped…’

  ‘Hoped what?’

  ‘That it might be the beginning of the rest of my life.’

  ‘What was that going to look like?’

  ‘You and me,’ he said.

  ‘We’d start a relationship based on a one-night stand eight months ago, after you disappeared?’

  ‘It wasn’t a well thought out plan, and I knew it would take a lot of trust building on my part, but I was determined to earn it. I want us to work, Olivia.’

  ‘But never marriage. Never children.’

  ‘That night, you told me you never wanted those things either?’

  ‘I told you that I’d lost faith in relationships. I told you that being pregnant would be a risk, and I wasn’t sure I’d like to take it. One thing I never told you was that I wanted to be left in a cold bed after what I thought was beginning of the rest of our lives, Josh. Yet look what you did.’

  ‘And now we’ll never know if any of it could have worked out.’

  I watched his head fall. ‘Whose baby do you think this is?’ I said, adrenaline zinging through my veins.

  He scoffed without looking up. ‘Some lucky son of a bitch.’

  ‘How far along do you think I am?’

  He gazed at my belly again. ‘I have no idea. Five months?’

  ‘Eight months. Today actually. I’m due on Christmas Day.’

  ‘Eight months?’ he said, straightening. ‘Eight months.’

  ‘That means …’ I prompted him.

  He sat still, his eyes growing wide. I took the deepest breath of my life, foolishly hoping it would calm me. It didn
’t. Here goes nothing …

  ‘I’d had a crush on you for years. Did you know that? Every time you’d come to photograph my work for magazines or websites, I’d get embarrassingly giddy like a bloody schoolgirl. I fell in love with you. We could have been so much more, Josh. This past eight months could have been different,’ I finally said.

  The moment of truth. My heart was a rampant mess in my chest. My hands were shaking so I sat on them. My mind was a mess of scenarios. The thoughts that had rounded my heart surfaced. The truth was, I didn’t know how to tell him that this baby was his, without fearing he’d run. Sure, he was here now, telling me that I’d meant something, but he didn’t have to commit to anything because he thought there was nothing to commit to. In his mind, the baby wasn’t his. But what if he knew it was? Would he freak out? Would it be too much? Could I trust him enough to stay? Was last night’s talk with Brooke about wanting me back a consequence of jetlag mixed with alcohol, or was it his truth?

  All that aside, I knew I still had a responsibility to tell him, so I closed my eyes and calmed my nerves as much as I could. Now, opening up and levelling my focus on him, I let it go. ‘What would you say if I told you the baby was yours?’

  He gazed at me, his expression indecipherable. ‘Is the baby mine?’

  I nodded. ‘Yes.’

  When he didn’t answer, but stood and began pacing, panic twisted my gut. ‘Holy shit, Olivia.’

  ‘I know it’s a shock,’ I said, trying to keep up with him.

  He threaded his fingers through his hair. ‘Holy shit.’

  ‘I’m not asking anything of you.’

  He stopped moving, his face a mixture of fear and shock. Then he turned and knelt before me, his hands reaching for my belly as he gazed up at me asking permission. My heart halted my breath in that moment. Josh cupped his hands around his baby, wordlessly gazing down at it.

  ‘I really wished I’d called you,’ he said. He had no idea how much I’d fantasised about that, too. ‘I wish I knew about this before I left.’