by Lea Darragh
I wanted to put my hands on his, to touch him, tie the three of us together. But I couldn’t bring myself to. ‘I didn’t even know then,’ I said.
He looked up at me. ‘I’m not blaming you. Sorry if it came out that way.’
‘Why did you, by the way?’
‘What?’
‘Leave like that?’
He came to sit beside me again. ‘I had a work contract with a travel magazine.’
‘No,’ I cut him off. ‘I meant, why did you leave like you did?’
‘It wasn’t because of anything you did.’
‘I didn’t get a goodbye. You slipped out being sure not to wake me. Barely a note. You were just gone. Of course it’s because of something I did.’
He hung his head. ‘It was inadvertent, Olivia. It wasn’t your fault.’
Impatience built in my tone. ‘What did I inadvertently do? Would you please just tell me what the hell I did wrong to deserve this?’
He paused before he spoke. ‘In an instant you made me see a future. You made me want things I’m terrified of. You were just … simply, gorgeously, perfectly, you.’
Oh. ‘Why didn’t you say any of that?’
‘Because you might have reciprocated, then I’d have to follow through,’ he said as he hung his head, scrubbing his face in his hands. ‘I’m not good at feeling this way.’
‘Feeling which way?’ I said, needing clarity.
He looked at me again. ‘I truly like you, Olivia. I felt the same deep attraction you did.’
‘And you still do?’
After a second he nodded. ‘I thought about you. I wondered. I couldn’t have been over there, with you here, knowing I couldn’t truly be with you. It wouldn’t have been fair to put our lives on hold, for who knows how long.’
‘Lives on hold? You know I’m from there, right?’ I said, my tone a touch playful. ‘You noticed the accent. I’m English, Josh. I could have come with you.’
‘Would you have though? After one night?’
YES! ‘I guess you’re right,’ I said instead. ‘Why did you come back?’
He met my eyes. ‘There were too many things I missed.’
His words hung between us, and I wanted him to kiss me after he’d said them the way he did. God I’d missed him, too. I wanted to skip over the awkwardness and get on with our lives, the bright and hopeful ones we dreamed of on that night. It couldn’t be that way now, though. Not yet, if ever. I remembered too many things that he’d said. Too many details that suggested this may not be what he wanted after all. I wasn’t sure how to respond to him.
‘So,’ Brooke said as she came out the back door toward us, letting me off the hook. ‘Everything good out here?’
I turned away from Josh’s gaze and got to my feet. ‘All good, but I’m actually exhausted.’
‘You want to head off?’ she said, glancing between me and Josh. ‘Everything ok?’
‘Oh, yeah sure. It’s been a big day.’
‘Sure, sure. Of course.’
They followed me inside, holding the door open for me as I stepped through. I was surprised to see that everyone had left. ‘The shower ended?’ I said, collecting my bag and lifting it onto my shoulder. I’d assumed because of the attention I’d had over the past few months that I’d be inundated with questions, especially with the turn of events being this juicy. Maybe Brooke would fill them in later.
‘I’ll go,’ Josh said, hovering on the outskirts. ‘I’ll call you later, Olivia?’
I nodded. ‘Sure.’
He gave me an awkward kiss on the cheek before leaving.
‘Are you ok?’ Brooke said, her demeanour more relaxed than I’d ever seen. ‘It must be weird seeing him again.’
‘I’d rehearsed it, but I never imagined the sheer panic I’d feel. I’m glad it’s done though. He knows, and now we wait and see.’
‘How’d he take it?’
I replayed our conversation. ‘It’s huge news. I don’t know what to expect when the dust settles. I know I was ecstatic and then completely overwhelmed when I found out. He knows now, but I still have no idea what the future holds.’
‘None of us do, Olivia.’
‘And we don’t really know each other. There’s an attraction.’
‘And you still feel it now after all this time apart.’
‘I feel it, but I don’t want to let it control any decisions. I have a child to consider. I can’t rush into a relationship, if that’s even on the table.’
‘Like you said, the dust has to settle first. There’s no rush.’
‘Thanks again for today,’ I said, running my eyes over the gifts. ‘But seriously, a baby doesn’t need this much stuff, do they?’
‘Of course they do, silly! And, please, it was my pleasure. Oh,’ she went on. ‘While I remember. Have you given any more thought to Christmas lunch with us at The Cove Bar and Grill? I’m good friends with the chef there, Jack. His wife Emmy is due in January, I think. I truly hope you’ll join us?’
The thought of spending another afternoon busy like this one was not appealing. ‘I’m due on Christmas day. I wouldn’t want to waste a seat if someone else can take it.’
‘All you’ll have to do is relax. It’ll be quiet. I promise.’
‘Well, in that case …’
‘Excellent! It’s settled then!’ she said with a clap before drawing me in for a quick hug. ‘I’m so glad you’ll still get to enjoy the Christmas spirit.’
‘Thank you. It’ll be a special one for sure.’
Brooke placed a hand on my belly. ‘Indeed.’
The car was stifling hot when I climbed in. The fan blew heat all over me, the aircon taking a few minutes to kick in. On the drive through Cobblers Cove, the mood in the air shifting from a sombre celebration of the coming summer to a festive burst for Christmas was evident. Decorations were beginning to go up on light posts. Shop windows were being decaled and painted with messages of cheer. I stopped off at the mini-market on the way home, and carols were playing over the sound system. And as scared and unsure as I was about Josh being back—worried about what it might mean for me, for him, and for our child—I forgot about it for a minute. The Christmas spirit truly has a way of distracting from the enormity of life.
Chapter 4
I pulled into my driveway, parking beneath the carport. It was a work-out just trying to get myself out, working around my belly. I left the gifts in the back of the car. They could wait until later. Besides, the paint fumes were still strong in the nursery: I’d hate to stink up the fresh new things, or worse, stain them.
I’d barely dumped my handbag and groceries on the island bench when the phone rang. I fished it out of my bag and read the caller ID. I truly hated the pang of guilt I felt every time I spoke to my mum now. The twists in my gut, in my heart, were worse than any other pain I’d felt. Holding my breath, I answered.
‘Mum, hi,’ I said, putting on my best upbeat tone.
‘Olivia, my love! How are you?’
‘I’m good, working hard. How’s Dad?’
‘Oh you know your father,’ she sighed. ‘Gardening as always. He just planted a bed of freesias.’
‘And his roses are still the talk of the town?’
She laughed. ‘God help us all if they’re not. But really, Olivia. How are you? It must be so difficult to be half a world away from your family at Christmas. Are you spending it with friends?’
She thought about the lunch with Brooke. ‘I have plans, yes.’
‘I wish work could have given you at least a week or two off to come visit your poor English mother.’
‘Sorry, Mum. I just can’t make it work.’
Just tell her. It won’t be so bad … will it …?
‘I miss you, darling.’
‘I miss you too, Mum.’
There was a silence as Mum wept and I wiped my tears.
‘So,’ Mum said. ‘Anybody special in your life at the moment?’
‘There’s one. Not
hing serious,’ I offered some truth. ‘We’re getting to know each other.’
‘And you’re being careful, aren’t you?’ she said.
‘He’s safe, Mum. Not everyone is an axe murderer.’
‘You know what I mean, Olivia,’ she said, her tone robust.
I sighed. ‘Yes, Mum. I’m being safe.’
‘You know getting pregnant can’t be an option.’
I held my belly. ‘Can’t it?’
‘Olivia, god no. I had six miscarriages and two stillbirths before I had you; I’ve told you this. The risk is far too high. I never want you to go through any of that.’
‘But you had me in the end,’ I reasoned.
‘Yes,’ she paused. ‘I have never felt that kind of joy before, and I never will again. It’s as strong as the deep loss and grief I feel for my lost children. I don’t want you to ever feel that. It’s too much. It changes you, and not just you. Why else do you think your father is obsessed with his roses, his garden?’
‘I know, Mum.’
‘He takes care of those things as if they are his children. He nurtures them, feeds them, sings to them. The loss of a child runs deep, Olivia, and I’m glad you don’t understand the true extent of it.’
I placed my hand on my belly as my baby kicked, alive and happy. ‘You’re right, I don’t. I’m sorry you had to experience that.’
‘As long as you never put yourself at that kind of risk, I’ll be happy. I could never lose another child. I wouldn’t survive it. I could never watch my child lose one of theirs. I’m terrified you’ll experience what I did. Oh god, Olivia. Sometimes I pray that you decide to never have children. They don’t know why it happened to me. It’s in our slim build I would think. We’re not designed to give birth.’
‘Mum, stop, ok. You’re getting yourself into a tizz. There’s nothing to worry yourself about. I’m healthy. I’m safe.’
‘Good. Just … I know I get worked up but it’s only because I never want anything to happen to you. You’re my prize. I need you to make good choices.’
I swiped silent tears. ‘I will, Mum.’
‘So, tell me more about this young man, then. What’s his name?’
‘Don’t worry about that.’ I said, pulling myself together. ‘It’s nothing, really. Nothing will come of it.’
‘Oh? Well that’s a shame, I guess, but maybe also a good thing.’
‘Maybe,’ I sighed, somewhat agreeing because it was easier to do that, than send her off on rant that would inevitably end in tears … my mother’s, not mine. I’d end up wound so tight I might say something that would break Mum’s heart altogether. ‘I have to go, Mum.’
‘Right, oh, ok darling. We’ll talk again soon, hey?’
‘Of course. Bye, Mum.’
‘Love you, Olivia.’
‘I love you too.’
I dropped the phone back into my bag and unpacked the shopping, ignoring the fear in my chest and the tears of frustration as they rolled down my face. A baby was about to be born, at Christmas, shouldn’t that bring more joy than this, for everyone? I went to my room and lay on my bed, closing my eyes, wanting to align my thoughts with the task at hand. My focus had to be on my child … and his or her father …
I woke to the sound of my phone buzzing on my night-stand.
‘Hello?’ I said, my voice still groggy and half asleep.
‘Liv, good morning. It’s Josh.’
I heaved myself up to sit. ‘Oh, hi. It’s morning?’
‘Ah, yep. Everything ok?’
I looked out the window. ‘Yeah, yep. I laid down for a nap yesterday afternoon and only now woke up.’
‘Is that normal?’
‘Growing another human can get pretty bloody exhausting, Josh.’
He laughed. ‘Right. Sorry.’
‘Why are you calling?’
‘Do you feel like a walk?’ I opened my mouth and let out a huge yawn. Josh laughed again. ‘So … that’s a no then? I’ve been up all night thinking about you, about the baby. I’m sorry I woke you. I waited as long as I could to call.’
I rubbed my belly. ‘I could eat. Why don’t we meet in half an hour? We’ll have breakfast.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ he said. ‘Anywhere you want.’
‘I’ve been obsessing over the pancakes at the new Ocean Front Café.’
‘Done. I’ll meet you there at nine?’
‘See you then, Josh.’
He was already seated when I arrived, his camera in hand as he flicked through images, seemingly deep in concentration. As I walked closer though, he looked up, putting the camera on the table. He stood and smiled as I approached. The smile didn’t quite meet his eyes, but I can be an overthinker, so perhaps it was just a tired thing and not the holy-shit-I’m-trapped-with-her-forever thing.
‘Hi,’ he said as I sat, fanning my flowy dress over my legs.
‘You’ve ordered drinks already,’ I noted as I eyed his coffee and my juice.
‘I hope that’s ok? I remembered you liked pineapple?’
‘Remembered?’
‘Oh,’ he laughed awkwardly, his face colouring. ‘On a job once, I think it may have been The Cove Hotel, we were standing next to each other at the bar on opening night and you ordered’—he held his hand out— ‘the juice.’
I stared at him. ‘That was two years ago.’
He shrugged as if he hadn’t just blown my mind. ‘It stuck.’
‘Thank you, Josh.’
The waitress arrived and we ordered breakfast. I, the buttermilk pancakes, two stack, with a side of fresh fruit and maple syrup. He ordered the bacon, egg and aioli burger on brioche.
‘So, I guess you’d like to discuss the elephant in the room?’
‘You do not look like an elephant,’ he said quickly. I had to laugh.
‘But oh do I feel like one. No, I meant the baby. You want to know where to go from here?’
‘Of course. Yesterday feels like a blur to me. My head is still spinning. My sister Andi is beside herself with excitement.’
This could be a good sign. ‘You told your sister already?’
‘I needed … I’m sorry. Wasn’t I meant to say anything?’
‘No, no, of course,’ I said quickly. ‘Of course it’s fine.’
‘We have no children in our lives, and for us …’ he paused. ‘It’s something we’ve looked forward to for each other. She has her concerns, though.’
‘Because this baby comes with something less exciting?’ I guessed.
He sat back, eyeing his half-empty mug of coffee before he found my eyes. ‘It comes with expectation. And honestly, Olivia, I don’t know if I have this in me.’
‘Have what? I’m not expecting a relationship, Josh. I’m good at being alone. It’s 2019. Just because we’re having a baby, it doesn’t mean we have to get married or have a romantic relationship in any way. And it doesn’t mean you have to even be the father if you don’t want to. I can raise this baby on my own.’
The words burned in my throat. My fantasies of being a family were drifting further away as I handed him an out.
‘I don’t feel pressured by you,’ he said.
‘I’m relieved to hear that.’
‘It’s still scary though.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, taking a drink of juice. ‘I can relate, but I have the feeling our fear comes from different factors.’
He opened his mouth to speak but stopped when the waitress delivered our food. I started eating because I was starving. Josh picked up his burger but didn’t lift it to his mouth.
‘Do you have family, Olivia,’ he said, lowering it back down to his plate.
‘I’ve told you about my mum and dad in Cornwall?’
‘You did.’
‘No siblings. An army of cousins though.’
‘And you love your mum?’
‘Of course I do,’ I said, thrown by the odd question. ‘My parents are great, not without their faults though, but really good people. Their
hearts are always in the right place. What about you?’
‘Andi is the only family I have.’
‘Oh,’ I stopped eating. ‘You don’t see your parents?’
He shook his head. ‘No, not since I was a kid.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, Josh. Do you want to talk about it?’
‘No, no. It’s fine. I’m not worried about anything you might do, or expect, Olivia. What I’m worried about is that I probably won’t know how to be good for the baby.’
‘I wouldn’t worry about that,’ I said, my tone reassuring. ‘It’ll come naturally. You have a good heart.’
He picked up his burger again and this time he took a bite, essentially ending the conversation. We ate in silence. The clinking of glasses and scraping of cutlery on plates, and ‘Joy to the World’ drifting along, filling the space between us.
‘So, how was the UK?’ I said. ‘Any lovestruck women follow you back?’
His eyes snapped up. I had no idea where that question came from either. He swallowed his food and wiped his mouth on a napkin.
‘None.’
‘None?’ I laughed, wiping my face with my napkin. ‘I don’t believe that for a second.’
‘Why?’
‘Because look at you. A gorgeous, single Aussie guy out and about in quiet, uneventful little villages. They would have been lining up to get your number.’
He lifted an inquisitive brow. ‘You would have been?’
I smirked, looking away. ‘Not my type.’
He laughed. ‘There you go. Well, actually,’ he stopped eating, and was pensive. ‘There was one woman who got my attention.’ My heart dipped. I stared at him. He held my gaze. ‘In St Ives, yeah, I remember now. Her name was Claire. It was mid-summer, June or July, I think. She was on the beach walking her dog. I was photographing some birds swooping above the sea and she caught my eye. Geez,’ he said, pausing. ‘I can’t believe I hadn’t thought to tell you about her until now.’
‘Well, go on,’ I said, growing impatient.
He levelled his gaze on me. ‘You sure?’
‘Absolutely. I want to know all about Claire,’ I said, enunciating her name.
He grinned and I knew my jealousy was slipping through. Dammit. ‘Well, I noticed her because she stepped in view of my camera, and as a wind picked up, her hat flew off her head. I ran and helped her chase it. She was so puffed out when we finally caught it. We got to talking. She wanted to thank me, so she invited me for tea that afternoon.’