by Lea Darragh
He stopped talking, taking another bite of his burger. He chewed and chewed and I wanted to reach over and rip the rest of the story out of his mouth.
‘And?’ I prompted.
He swallowed. ‘Oh? You want all the juicy details?’
I glared at him. ‘May as well. It sounds so romantic and lord knows I have none of that in my life right now, so, go on, then.’
‘Ok,’ he nodded. ‘I declined the tea, and she was disappointed.’
‘Of course she was,’ I huffed, wishing I hadn’t said that out loud. ‘Sorry, continue.’
He grinned again. ‘She said that was actually a good thing because her husband had a doctor’s appointment, and that she’d have to get home to take him.’
‘Oh, that was nice of her to finally think of her husband.’
‘Yeah,’ he agreed. ‘Maybe at seventy-five your memory starts slipping.’
‘Wait,’ I tilted my head. ‘What?’
Josh laughed out loud then, a real belly laugh as he sat back in his chair. ‘Claire. She was seventy-five. Didn’t I say that?’
‘No, you didn’t,’ I said as I started eating again, trying, and monumentally failing to pull off nonchalance. The little shite got me. ‘So, no flings?’
‘No, Olivia,’ he said, sitting forward again. ‘I’m not the fling type.’
I snorted. ‘Wasn’t I …?’
He held my gaze, truly looking at me. Seriousness had replaced all amusement. ‘You weren’t a fling. That night was bad timing.’
I sobered. ‘I was bad timing? You’d take it back?’
He remained in the gaze. ‘Not for a second. What I meant was that I had to leave the next day. Had I stayed, I would have stayed with you. That night was …’
I stilled, thinking about the loneliness I’d felt, and the anxiety of becoming a mother, trying to ignore the truth my mum continually thrust into my heart. ‘Bad timing.’
‘And not because you fell pregnant,’ he added.
‘No?’
‘Just because it made everything feel backward. Inside out. Something like that. I don’t know. It feels like we’re not following the right order of things. I should have been there for this, not coming into this pregnancy at its end. And now I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what you want to hear. I don’t know what I need to do. You seemed distant yesterday, and rightfully so, and just now you were jealous about a fling I might have had. It’s confusing, on top of everything else.’
I had to agree with that. ‘We need to adjust to you being back. Maybe get to truly know each other so that we don’t keep tripping over each other’s feelings.’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. I like the sound of that. I don’t have any work booked until mid-January.’
I nodded toward his camera on the table. ‘Not working today?’
‘No. I take it with me everywhere. You never know when that perfect shot might present itself. Have you finished up yet?’
‘Yep. I’m on mat leave until next June.’
‘Good. There’s plenty of time,’ he said.
I grinned. ‘As long as there’s no more making fun of me.’
‘Deal.’
***
An hour later we were strolling along the sand. The day was heating up: summer had arrived. Josh was taking photos of the sea, of the birds, of a kite that was drifting on the breeze tethered to a little girl in a pretty dress. He lowered his camera, letting it hang against his chest.
‘So everything has been going well,’ he said. ‘All tests and scans and everything?’
I planted my hands on my belly. ‘We have a perfect peach in there.’
‘Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?’
I shook my head. ‘It started off a surprise, may as well keep it one.’ But in all honesty though, and I knew this as I stared down at my bump that was draped in linen, I didn’t want to know, because then I’d bond wholeheartedly, and then if something went wrong … I drew in a deep salty-aired breath and blew it out. ‘We’ll find out soon enough.’
‘True,’ he said.
‘I wonder if our child will have your chocolate curls.’
‘I honestly hadn’t thought about that at all,’ he said. ‘I hope they have your emerald eyes. And hope they pick up your accent.’
‘I wonder if they’ll be an artist, or an adventurer. Or teacher, or a doctor.’
‘Or a designer,’ he said.
‘Or a photographer.’
The excitement he’d started to build in his eyes flittered away a little. ‘I wonder if they’ll be exactly the same, or nothing like us at all.’
‘It’ll definitely be an adventure in itself finding all of that out,’ I said. ‘We’re about to be parents, Josh. Crazy, huh?’
He turned to me. ‘This is the biggest moment of my life.’
‘But we don’t have to be alone in this?’
He began to reach his hand out toward my belly, stopping short as he met my eyes. I nodded, and whisper-soft, his fingertips touched me, then slowly, his whole hand. Then the other. Our peach rolled. Josh’s chest lifted and fell unsteadily.
‘No,’ he said, then cleared his throat. ‘We don’t have to be alone in this.’
The last thing I expected was an emotional attachment to this unborn baby, from him, so quickly, but it seemed he was there. Gazing. Curious. Afraid. Those qualities why I wanted him since the moment we met. I placed my hands on his. His eyes drifted to mine.
‘The first time I saw you,’ I said, ‘I’d finished staging the foyer of a bed and breakfast, over on Shady Lane, remember that one?’
‘I do.’
‘I’d walked out onto the porch to stretch my body, and there you were on your knees, cupping a baby possum in your palms. I watched you murmur to it. You went to your car and wrapped it in a shirt. I heard you on the phone with animal rescue, organising things. I stood on the porch the whole time, unnoticed by you because your focus was on the possum. I don’t know why you’re so scared of being a parent, but I wouldn’t be if I were you, Josh. You have a good heart, and that’ll be all your child needs.’
His breath came and went, still unsteady in his chest. He dropped his hands away. ‘If you knew the truth about me, you wouldn’t think so.’
I was stumped as to what to say. What truth? What he was saying couldn’t be right. It didn’t fit. Maybe, even after years of our paths crossing, of the impression I had, I was wrong? But my instinct told me otherwise.
‘Yeah we definitely need to spend more time together,’ I said. ‘I’m curious where your doubt comes from.’
‘Come on,’ he said, brushing over my last comment. ‘It’s getting too hot out here. I’ll walk you home.’
‘I mean it, Josh,’ I said, reaching out to grab his arm, stopping him. ‘No matter what you want to talk about, I’m here. How else are we supposed to do this if we don’t open up?’
‘I’m not ready to get that personal.’
‘Ok,’ I said, dropping my hand to his. ‘I accept that. But when it comes to being a dad to our child, I think that kind of information is relevant.’
He nodded. ‘Agreed. But not yet, ok?’
He looked away from me and down the beach, then dropped his attention to his camera. ‘I haven’t had any proper photos taken of myself while I’ve been pregnant,’ I said, wanting to ease the tension and create a zone between us that he’d find more comfortable. ‘Would you like to do the honours?’
The tension in his brows relaxed. ‘Of course I would,’ he said as he lifted the camera to his eye. ‘The light’s good here, but maybe move further up into the grass?’
I carefully inched back. ‘Here?’
He was quiet for a moment as he held the camera, adjusting the focus. ‘Perfect. Ready?’
‘Do I smile?’
‘If you truly feel it, Olivia.’
I smiled then, as his attention fell solely on me. ‘That night,’ I said as he snapped away, ‘my most favourite moment was right be
fore we kissed.’
He lowered the camera slightly. ‘Why?’ he said.
‘Because, in your eyes, I felt like I was alive.’
‘And now,’ he paused, holding my gaze. ‘You’ve given me life.’
My heart exploded but I didn’t react. I didn’t question him. I let him lift the camera again, and did as best as I could to show him how much I loved this baby. Then, maybe later, as he flicked through these images, he’d see that the three of us were more than one night. He snapped a couple more before he lowered his camera to scroll through them.
‘I’ll get these printed and framed for you if you like?’ he said, meeting me as I carefully navigated the dunes. He reached for my hand and helped me onto more solid ground.
‘I’d like that. Thank you, Josh.’
We meandered side by side toward the esplanade, our hands brushing against each other’s. I wanted to take hold. I wanted to walk like a couple, but I wasn’t sure I should be the one to take the lead on that. I didn’t want to push him, or to pressure him. The last thing he needed was to feel obligated to form a relationship with me. The baby alone was enough to get a grasp on first. I watched him watch the ocean. His features were relaxed. His body seemed less clenched than it had been since he’d found out. I allowed him the moment to make sense of whatever thoughts were rounding his mind. I was sure that time would be the answer here, and I’d gladly give it.
I closed my eyes, lifting my face into the gentle sea breeze, thinking about how nice it was to not feel so alone in this anymore. I didn’t care if we were both terrified—at least we were terrified together. I opened my eyes when I couldn’t feel Josh at my side anymore. I was a few steps ahead of him, and when I turned back, I saw him staring down at the shore. A woman stood there. Long, wavy hair flowing behind her. She knelt down, her long dress swept with the tide, her fingers trailing in the water. I was silent as Josh watched the woman. When she stood, she turned, and if she looked up, she’d be staring straight back at us. I felt Josh clench beside me. I took his hand. He squeezed it as if holding on for dear life when the woman noticed us. She stilled, gazing back. We were held in the moment between us and this woman who, at least, I didn’t know.
‘Josh?’ I said quietly. ‘Who is that?’
He didn’t answer, and when I looked at him, his jaw was clenching. His hand was still tight around mine.
‘Let’s go,’ he finally said.
I turned back to the woman as Josh ushered me up the beach. She was still watching after us. She seemed older, not by a lot though, maybe fifteen years or so.
‘Did you know that woman?’ I said after we’d navigated the dunes and crossed the main road.
He turned back toward the beach. The woman was out of sight, the dunes shielding us from her, if that’s what we needed. The tightening of his expression, and lack of response to my question told me that maybe he did. I took his face in my hands, bringing him back to me.
‘Talk to me,’ I said when he finally found my eyes. ‘Who was that woman?’
He shook his head. I dropped my hands away. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said. ‘Come on. I’ll walk you home.’
And he did. In silence. I smirked as we stood on my porch and I offered him tea. I finally saw a brief smile when he said he had to get his husband to a doctor’s appointment.
He kissed my cheek. ‘We’ll talk soon, though?’
‘Any time you want, Josh.’
When he walked away, I stood watching him until I couldn’t see him anymore. A sinking feeling had me wanting to call him back. I wanted to see him through whatever the hell just happened on the beach with a woman who clearly was not a stranger. Once inside, I poured myself an iced water and went to my room. My mind was racing and my body was slowing down on me. One thing I wouldn’t miss about pregnancy was being exhausted all of the time. My phone chimed as I put it on the night-stand. I unlocked it and made a call.
‘Brooke, hi,’ I said as I sat on my bed, kicking my shoes off. ‘I just got your message.’
I had the phone on speaker, and wriggled my toes as I spoke.
‘Hi, there. Listen, I spoke to Jack and confirmed that you’ll join us on Christmas day. I told him you may be bringing someone just in case.’
‘In case of what?’
‘Well,’ she said. ‘How are things with Josh?’
‘Oh, um good, but I think he’d have plans. He has his sister. They’d have things organised I’d assume.’
‘Maybe, but if they don’t, there’s a spot for him. Have you been in touch?’
‘We had breakfast today; just got home actually. It was good. We’re on the same page, so that’s something.’
‘And that is?’
‘We both want to be parents to this baby, I think.’
‘You think? Nothing else? What about romantically? Was it truly just a fling?’
‘Easy does it,’ I laughed. ‘I think we should focus on one thing at a time.’
‘Fine,’ she sighed. ‘But you like him?’
A giddy feeling worked its way through my body. ‘I saw something in Josh when I decided to sleep with him. It’s still there. I guess when the time is right, something more might be worth exploring, and this is between you and me though, ok?’
‘Cross my heart.’
I wriggled my toes again. ‘Anyway, I might go. The nursery needs some work, then I might have a nap.’
‘Anything you want, really,’ Brooke laughed. ‘Lap it up because once that baby is here, you won’t even have time to breathe. Talk soon?’
‘I’d like that. Thanks again.’
‘Bye.’
Chapter 5
I didn’t hear from Josh for two days. Despite texting him, inviting him to my obstetrician appointment, and generally saying hi, there’d been silence between us. The balloon was slowly deflating, as they do. No amount of oxygen can sustain its form for too long. Wind blows through sails. Leaves float then fall. Lungs breathe out. I’d hoped momentum would build after our breakfast, after our time on the beach, but two days was a long time when we really didn’t have much to spare.
I’d organised the baby’s room, and spent days dreaming as I rocked in the chair, pretending I wasn’t alone again.
I’d eyed my phone, wanting to call home, to tell them the truth, but something always stopped me. Not wanting to cause worry. Not wanting to feel ashamed about being in this position, and single at that. Not wanting to let down my guard and fully acknowledge the possibility that mum might be right; what if, like her, I wasn’t built for this. I’d stared at my phone and imagined the conversation, then looked away because I knew it wasn’t worth the extra pressure it would cause. When the baby was born, healthy and pink, then I’d tell them.
I went to sit in the waiting room at the medical clinic with other expectant mums and dads. Giving the obligatory smile as I sat down, I expelled a deep breath once I had. I selected a magazine, keeping my eyes low to avoid conversation.
‘How long do you have to go?’ the supremely glowing woman next to me said.
‘Ah, about two weeks. You?’
With a proud hand on her belly she said. ‘Oh, still three months.’
I focused again on my magazine.
‘My husband had to work, otherwise he’d be here, too,’ she stated.
‘Oh, that’s a shame.’
‘And your partner?’ she prompted because I’d offered nothing.
I could feel my cheeks heating and I hated that I felt embarrassed. I shouldn’t be. It’s a modern age where a woman doesn’t need a man to become a mother. Yet, I felt it, because my story wasn’t one that I chose, but one that gave me no choice but to do this alone. I felt my heart raging. My cheeks were flaming. I stared at the woman, praying for my name to be called before I had the chance to answer. It wasn’t.
‘I’m sure he’ll be here any minute now,’ I lied.
‘First baby?’
‘How can you tell?’
‘I had that pure fear
in my eyes too. This is my second. It does get easier,’ she said. ‘I’m Emmy, by the way.’
‘Olivia.’
Emmy’s smile was genuine, friendly. ‘Good to meet you, Olivia. What part of England are you from?’
‘The very tip of Cornwall.’
‘Ah. Beautiful. How are you liking Cobblers Cove?’
‘I’ve been here five years. It’s changed so much since I first arrived. It used to be quiet, but I guess that’s why so many now want to come here. It’s a somewhat lively spot now.’
‘Tell me about it. It’s great for business, but it’s seasonal, so I guess we still get that breather we all need. My husband and I co-own a restaurant. The Cove Bar and Grill.’
‘Oh, yes,’ I said, my body relaxing the more the conversation went on.
‘Ever been?’
‘Er, I haven’t, no. Sorry. Bit of a hermit. But!’ I finally realised. ‘My friend Brooke has invited me for Christmas lunch there. The chef, Jack, is he your husband?’
‘He certainly is,’ she practically gushed. ‘I’m so glad you’ll be joining us. He’s such a brilliant chef. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit of a hermit, too. Which is why it makes sense I haven’t seen you around, I guess. It’ll be good to get to know one of my kind.’
‘That could be good,’ I said, truly feeling that it could be.
‘Emmy?’ the doctor called.
‘That’s me. It was good to meet you,’ Emmy said as she pushed herself to her feet. ‘I’ll see you on Christmas day?’
I helped her lift her bag. ‘You will.’
‘See you then.’
I picked up my magazine, thinking it wouldn’t be so bad if I did spread my wings a little. I continued absently glossing over articles that didn’t hold my interest because I was too busy imagining a future, a life like Emmy and Jack had. Would I dare be brave enough to let that possibility in? The door opening ushered in the heat of the day, then I glanced up from the page when I heard my name.