by Lea Darragh
‘Thank you, Pete,’ I said.
‘We should be excited about this new life coming, not hacking the prospect to bits just because we’ve never met Olivia before. If Josh trusts her, I trust her.’
Everyone listened to him as if he was the messiah of the group, nodding and hanging their heads. All except Josh who kept a careful eye on his friend. Pete closed his eyes, his pale skin contrasted by the blue circles beneath his eyes. I didn’t know what Pete looked like before, but his cheeks were slightly sunken, his fingers bony. He didn’t look well.
‘Everything ok, Pete?’ Josh said. Pete opened his eyes and formed a slow smile. A beat later, as if the world as they knew it would change the moment he spoke, he opened his mouth.
‘It’s cancer, mate. It got me.’
My heart stopped. Josh’s body visibly solidified as if it had no idea how to react to Pete’s words. It was shock, and it was keeping Josh locked in place.
‘I found a dodgy mole in July. They removed it, but the cancer had already spread.’
‘But,’ Josh paused, clearing his throat. ‘You’re fighting it, aren’t you?’
‘I could. There are options, but it still leads to the same end. I’d rather spend the last of my time feeling somewhat ok, rather than sick as a dog in a hospital somewhere.’
‘So, what are we talking here? Months?’
‘If I’m lucky.’
‘Shit, Pete,’ Josh said, glancing around at the group, stopping at Andi. ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me?’
‘Because you would’ve come racing home,’ Pete said. ‘There was nothing you could do. I want you guys to realise that life is fleeting. Why would I want you to stop working overseas, just so that you can come home and watch me die? We don’t all get a chance to live the life we want. I’ve had a good one, don’t get me wrong; you guys need to carry on living your best ones. Maybe think of me every so often,’ he ended with a cheeky smirk.
I watched Josh. He wasn’t having any of it. He shook his head, his brows narrowing. ‘I would’ve had more time with you, though. I would’ve had more time with—’ He stopped, eyeing me. ‘Nothing is more important than what is going on right here. You should have told me,’ he said to Andi.
‘It’s not my place. Pete’s calling the shots. We’re all together now. All of us,’ she said, reaching for my hand.
‘I’m taking good care of him at home, Josh,’ Amy said, snuggling closer to Pete. ‘We’re getting married on Boxing Day. We won’t be missing out on anything, other than the rest of our lives together,’ she stopped, her voice hitching.
‘We’re doing everything we were planning before it’s too late, which is why I think your news is amazing. You’re lucky.’
‘I’m so sorry, Pete.’
‘Slip, slop and slap, my friend.’
The atmosphere sobered. I looked around this group of friends. Amy whispered to Pete, smiling and kissing his cheek. I knew life was fleeting. I learned from my mum. I learned from a serious scare at twenty weeks. I was grateful Amy was there to help me through. Clearly she was fiercely loyal, and I hoped now, I had her on my side. Matt stoked the fire, poking a long stick and then watching the sparks drift up into the sky. Andi and Jen linked arms, gazing at the flames Matt had made, then I landed my focus on Josh, who was staring down at his beer. He scratched at the label with his thumb, his expression fallen, pensive.
‘Hey,’ I whispered, then paused, not knowing what more to say. Josh’s eyes flickered with shadowy flames. I cast my attention to the rest of the group. Even though they’d known for some time about Pete, it was clear that hearing the news again hurt like the first time. The heartbreak was as thick as summer humidity. I shifted closer to him. ‘Look at what you have? Feel this love, Josh. Let’s live in this moment, remember?’
He found my eyes. ‘I said that last part to you that night.’
‘It might be time to truly do that.’
‘You know what?’ he said to the group. ‘We’re here to celebrate our friend; possibly our last Christmas with Pete. Let’s make it worth it.’
‘Here, here!’ Pete said, holding up his water.
‘Cheers to that,’ Amy said.
The two of us settled into the group, because no matter how scary and heartbreaking the future might be, we were beginning to have each other’s backs.
We shared a dinner of lamb wraps and chips, and afterwards I wandered down to the water’s edge. It was a calm night, the surf mellow and inviting. I scrunched my dress up, allowing the water to trickle over my toes then up to my ankles, cooling my swollen feet as it rolled back out to sea. The summer moon was huge, lifting into the sky to guide us through the darkness. Behind me, there was the crackling of flames and laughter as stories were told, the best of their times regaled between sips of beer and cider. Josh was lucky to have a solid foundation of friends, though I’m not sure he truly realised it. I’d felt alone so many times over the past months, with no one to talk to about my joy, or my fears that it may be over soon, too, for my baby, or even for me. Reminding myself to breathe because fear stopped my lungs from working was horrid. I’d stopped feeling human. But now I was feeling a little less alone, almost part of the world again. And here was Pete, his strength was admirable. His life was being cut short and he was making sure his friends’ lives were still so full. And by the look of how calm he was and all the laughs he felt, his life was full too. Perhaps I need to take a leaf from his book.
‘Beautiful night, isn’t it?’ Amy said as she came to stand beside me.
I offered a smile. ‘It is. How is everyone up there?’
‘Good as can be. Listen,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry about earlier. We’re a tight unit and Matt can be aggressive when it comes to outsiders.’
That hurt, but I smiled. ‘I understand.’
‘I actually think I remember you from a few months back at the emergency department. I’ve been thinking about you since that night. I’d had a shift rotation that gave me three days off after seeing you. On my next shift I went to check up on you in the maternity ward but you’d been discharged. I’m thrilled to see that everything is going well.’
‘It was a scary time, but it worked out ok in the end.’
‘And what about with Josh? Do the two of you have a plan?’
‘What’s to plan, really? We’re just taking it one day at a time. Something tells me that maybe he’s not ready for this.’ I hoped she’d give more insight into what I’d heard between him and Andi.
‘Josh has a difficult history, but he’s a good guy, Olivia. Be patient with him and he’ll give you the world.’
Relief washed over me. ‘I can do that.’
‘Good. And listen, if you need any advice on the birth, or if you have any worries, let me know, ok? Clearly Josh wants you to be one of our tribe, so don’t be scared to take advantage of the perks. Oh, and also, I don’t know how well you know Josh,’ she said, pausing for effect.
I filled in the gap. ‘Probably not as well as I should considering I’m having his baby.’
‘He’s a good egg but hard to crack. I can tell he likes you, so when he starts getting distant, make sure you try and stick with him, if that’s what you want.’
That was absolutely what I wanted from the moment my eyes first landed on Josh Fraser all of those years ago, but the excitement for the future fizzled when I thought about what Matt had said.
‘Does anyone else in the group think I’ve tricked Josh?’
‘None of us, and really, Matt doesn’t either. He’s just struggling with all the changes. Pete—’ She stopped, her voice hitching. ‘Now with Josh moving forward. And you should know there’s history with Matt and Jen that can lead to uncomfortableness. Sometimes people aren’t that great at dealing with change.’
‘But we all have to grow up sometime, right?’
‘And we will, together.’
I was reminded, then, of my loneliness, and I wished I’d had her by my side this whole time. ‘He’s luck
y. You all are.’
‘Do you have family here?’
I shook my head. ‘Nope. Just me.’
‘Well,’ she said, wrapping her arm around me and squeezing me with a hug. ‘Well, now you have us, too.’
‘If things work out with Josh.’
‘Oh please,’ she said as she pulled back. ‘You can have me even without him.’
I cried though I didn’t want to, and Amy wrapped an arm around my shoulder as we looked out into the night, salt water at our feet and the future waiting for us to reach out and grab it.
‘Hey,’ Josh said as he came to stand beside us. ‘Do you want to head off?’
‘Nah, I think I should stay with Pete,’ Amy said with a laugh. ‘But you two go if you want to.’
Josh took my hand. ‘Hey, have you been crying.’
I quickly wiped my eyes. ‘I’m fine.’ I smiled to reassure him. ‘Really, I am. Just hormonal and tired and all the rest. Nothing to worry about.’
He appraised my face. ‘Are you sure,’ he said, then glanced at Amy.
‘Expectant mums get emotional, Josh,’ she said.
‘I’m really ok.’
‘Maybe I should get you home.’
I nodded, and we made our way back up to the group to say our goodbyes. I watched on as Josh was taken into the arms of his friends and they congratulated him with hugs, back slaps and secret messages in his ear.
‘I’ll be seeing you again, Olivia?’ Pete said, still in his chair.
I bent down and hugged him, trying not to cry again. ‘I sure hope so, Pete.’
‘Sorry,’ Matt said as Josh took my hand and we started walking away. ‘Good luck with everything,’ he added.
I glanced at Amy and she smiled. ‘Thanks, mate,’ Josh said. ‘We expect Uncle Matt cuddles when this little one is born.’
He laughed. ‘Sure.’
Josh helped me out of the car after pulling into my driveway. Cicadas chorused as we took the path to my veranda. We stood beneath the dim porch light, the glow haloing Josh. I tried not to be romanticised by the night, by the way he smiled down at me, hovering as if he wanted to say all kinds of things but not knowing where to begin. We’d stood here once before, and I’d watched him then, like now, trying to be patient, yet wanting … wanting … wanting something more than this quiet moment, this being on the cusp of something beautiful. Whatever connection this was between us, it was tangible. I could taste it. Even without touching, I could feel his kiss now, as potent as before.
‘So, how does it feel that your friends know about this baby?’ I said, breaking the silence.
He stepped forward a little. The space my belly took up the only gap between us. ‘Their reaction would have had no consequence for us, but I’m glad they’re on board.’
I gazed up at him, remembering how he’d pressed his lips to mine, lifted me and wrapped my legs around his waist, and then inside … ‘Me too,’ I said, while the need to relive that moment was overwhelming. ‘They’re a great bunch of people.’
He curved his hands around my jaw. ‘Are you sure you’re ok?’ he murmured.
‘Here with you, I’m perfect.’
‘You make everything feel like it’s all going to be ok.’
‘Because it is, Josh. I mean, it has to be, doesn’t it?’
He kissed me. Slow and careful. And I gave into it. Of course, because he is Josh. And though I tried to remind myself to be careful with him, I knew that it didn’t make sense. I knew deep down, as my heart remembered every moment with him, from the first till now, that this was where I belonged.
‘Would you like to come in?’ I said when he pulled back.
He grinned. Then kissed me again. ‘This all started with those words, Olivia,’ he murmured. ‘And my answer is the same as then.’
I unlocked the door and took his hand as I let us in.
‘I love your place,’ he said. ‘The first time I was here I remember it feeling so warm and comfortable.’
I felt it, too. The small, stone cottage reminded me of home. ‘Want to see the nursery?’
‘I do.’
I lead and he followed through the living room and down a small hallway to the room next to mine. A third bedroom, the smallest, was used as an office, mostly because it was only big enough for a desk and filing cabinet. The door to the nursery was ajar so I pushed it all the way open, letting Josh pass me as he walked in. The walls were an earthy sage, the furniture cream, with a grey and white rug softening the polished timber floors. I waited for him to notice the personal touches I’d hung on the walls, but he walked to the feeding chair and sat, rocking as he found my eyes.
‘Our baby is lucky to be loved this much,’ he said.
I leaned on the doorframe unable to speak. My heart was in my throat, from self-pride that I’d been a good mum so far. It pleased me that he knew I was taking care of our child. My heart broke though, because my hunch that he’d never truly felt this kind of love from his own mother may be right.
‘You like the room then?’ I managed to say.
He took another look around. ‘Wait a minute,’ he said, getting up from the chair and walking over to the cot. Above it, I’d hung black-and-white photos of my home village in Cornwall, photos that Josh had taken during one of his visits there. I stood next to him.
‘We’ve never been there together, but we’re still connected by the place, aren’t we? I thought our baby should be part of the story, too.’
He drew in an unsteady breath. He held out his arm to wrap around my shoulder, pulling me into him. ‘This is perfect, Olivia,’ he said.
I wrapped my arm around his waist as he looked intently at the images. I felt a roll in my belly—here we were, the beginnings of a family. A place I knew Josh belonged.
‘You can stay the night if you like,’ I said.
He kissed my temple. ‘There is nowhere else I’d rather be.’
Chapter 7
I was ushered from sleep by the birds singing their song at dawn. Without opening my eyes, I slid my hand across the sheets—the memory of Josh having left once before was hard to shake; my heart had sunk when he wasn’t there. The difference between then and now was that his side of the bed was still warm. I opened my eyes.
‘Josh?’ I said into the soundless cottage, pushing myself onto my elbows, waiting for an answer. There wasn’t one. I manoeuvred my way off the bed and slipped into my dressing gown, then padded down the hallway. As I passed the nursery, he caught my eye. He was in the rocking chair, gazing out of the window. ‘Everything ok?’ I said quietly.
He turned to me, immediately smiling. ‘Good morning, gorgeous,’ he said, waving me over to sit with him. I perched carefully on his lap.
‘What are you doing in here, then?’
‘Thinking. Adjusting,’ he said, kissing me. ‘But mostly wondering if you’ve thought of any names yet?’
I liked this new look on him. The openness of his face lured me into the future. The spark in his eyes was reassuring, telling me that we were in this together. I kissed him before I answered because I couldn’t help but taste him. ‘There are some I like, but none have quite stuck yet. Why, you have an idea?’
‘Nope, but I’d like to think of one together?’
My breath hitched when he laid his hand on my belly. ‘I’d really like that,’ I said.
‘I want to be part of this, Liv. I know that more than anything. And if I forget, I need you to remind me.’
I couldn’t speak for a moment because I’d imagined those words for so long, and now here they were, soaking into my ever-second-guessing heart. ‘What do you mean, if you forget?’
The spark was clouded by something. ‘I have a way of losing sight of things that are good for me.’
‘Like me?’ I said quietly.
‘Yes, Liv. Like you.’
‘Like us?’
He nodded. ‘You two are the most important people in the world to me,’ he said, his voice deepening with emotion.
‘I wish I could help it. I fight as hard as I can, but sometimes …’
‘I won’t let you forget,’ I promised him when he didn’t continue. ‘Have you thought about what you’re doing for Christmas this year?’
‘I’ll probably spend it with Andi and everyone like we normally do. What about you?’
‘Brooke set me up with lunch at The Cove Bar and Grill. There’s an event planned.’
‘Oh, yes. I’ve met the chef, Jack. Nice bloke.’
‘I met his wife in the waiting room the other day. She was lovely. Should be a great day. You can come with me if you like, then we can spend the rest of the day with Andi?’
‘Lunch with you. Then both of us will join up with Andi?’
‘Yeah, maybe. That’s what I was thinking.’
He gazed up at me. ‘I think that sounds like the perfect Christmas. That is if you’re not in labour by then, or even have had the baby. Remember what Dr Baker said? Any time now.’
I stood and leaned back on the cot, holding each side of it. ‘Obviously if I’ve had the baby, I won’t be going anywhere but here. And if I haven’t, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to get to a hospital.’
‘Ok, then,’ Josh said as he stood and came to me, moulding his body around mine, placing his hand on his baby. ‘Sounds like a plan to me. Christmas together. It’ll be our best one yet,’ he said as he kissed me.
I melted into the moment but then froze as an intense pain rounded my belly, all over and under. I grasped his t-shirt, doubling over.
He pulled back a little. ‘Liv? What’s happening?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t know,’ I said, dropping to my knees.
‘I’m calling an ambulance.’
Josh rushed from the room and returned with his phone. My head whirred from the pain. On my hands and knees, I tried to slow, to deepen my breaths, but it was so damn hard—my body was in a vice grip, in agony. On the floor beside me, Josh dialled triple zero. He spoke fast, and I squeezed my eyes closed, the pain belying any semblance of concentration.