If You Still Want Me

by C. E. Kilgore

  "Yeah," Kylie crosses her arms. "Minor detail. Momma said gay people like Austin should be able to get married in Texas soon, if they elect that pendejo outta office."

  "Kylie-May!" Annabelle chides, but she's laughing, too. "Your momma will skin me alive if she hears you talking like that."

  "Sorry, but... momma said..."

  "Hold on a sec," Saul holds up his hand. "You knew Austin's gay?"

  "Uh, well, duh, Uncle Saul."

  "I really am dumber than a box 'a rocks..."

  "Wait," Kylie giggles, holding her stomach. "You didn't?!"

  "Not 'till last week," he huffs then holds up his hand again. "Now, wait just a dang minute, missy... You don't seem none too surprised that I'm with him, neither."

  "Oh, puh-lease," Kylie rolls her eyes like it's all last week's news. "Momma had the 'Uncle Saul is bi' talk with me two whole years ago when I told her my B.F.F. Becky has two moms. It aint no biggie," she shrugs.

  "Kids these days..." Saul shakes his head, eyes wide.

  Kylie's attitude about everything doesn't exactly shock me. The girl is smart, and more mature than I think I was at her age. If I could have a daughter just like her, I might reconsider the whole 'no kids' promise I made myself a few years back. Glancing back at my boys, I wonder if that decision wasn't just a touch premature.

  It's amazing, and a little scary, how much your life can change in a few, short days.

  Austin

  Kylie's reaction fills my heart with warmth. It hadn't occurred to me that I might lose my relationship with her. She's a bright girl who's become like my own niece, spending just as much time with Saul and I these past two years as with Annabelle. She also plays a mean game of Texas Hold'em, and has kept Nana company without any argument about spending hours alone with an old lady.

  It hits my gut hard - that after-the-fact fear that comes with realizing I could have lost her. I didn't know she knew about my sexual orientation. It never really came up, and I didn't think it was something you discussed with a twelve-year-old girl who isn't your daughter. I'd be blessed to have a daughter like her...

  "So," Kylie's grin is wide. "If y'all do get married, then Austin will be my uncle and Annabelle will be my aunt for reals?"

  Married. Ai, now there's a thought...

  "That's right!" Saul's grin matches Kylie's. They look more and more alike every time I see them together. The only stark difference is Kylie's pretty blue eyes.

  "It may never be allowed," Victoria's voice carries the hint of warning as she looks between Saul and Kylie. "I don't want either of you to get your hopes up, and-"

  "Shoot, we don't need no official piece 'a paper," Saul argues, and I can tell he's already got his mind set on the three of us having some sort of ceremony.

  "We're still figuring things out," I'm gonna try and stay in the middle of Saul and Victoria on this, mostly because my heart is screaming 'yes!' while my head is saying 'whoa!'. "Marriage isn't something you rush into."

  Kylie gets a matching, stubborn look on her face and aims it at me. "So, you'd say 'no' if Uncle Saul asked you to marry him?"

  My mouth falls open as the kid catches me between a rock and a place I'd very much like to go. "Well, I'm not saying that..."

  "Aunt Vickie?" Kylie turns those deep-blues on Victoria.

  "You know I love your uncle, very much," Victoria tries to side-step it, but Kylie wasn't born yesterday.

  "And?" Kylie sets her hands on her hips. I try not to grin, but I can see this girl being a real force of nature when she gets older. "What about my Uncle Austin? You love him, too, right?"

  Uncle Austin. God, I do love the sound of that.

  "I love them both," Victoria confirms.

  "¡Te amo a los dos!" Saul proclaims in such a well-done pronunciation, I get the idea he's been practicing in his head.

  Kylie giggles then looks to me. "¿tú?"

  "I love them both," I say it with a smile, because saying it makes me happy.

  Kylie looks at the three of us. "Then what's the problem?"

  From the mouths of babes... She's right. What's the problem with officially proclaiming your love and commitment?

  "I know a Unitarian pastor who does non-official same-sex ceremonies," Annabelle adds in her two cents with a mischievous grin on her lips that's directed straight at me. "I'm sure he'd be open to officiating a three-way commitment. I can ask him next time he's in the shop getting his pedicure."

  "Annabelle..." I don't know how to tell her no, because part of me wants to say yes.

  "No rush," she adds. "Just putting it out there."

  Staring at her to see past the smile, my heart needs confirmation. "So, you're okay with... this?"

  Her eyes glance back to Saul and Victoria then down to where they're still holding my hand. It takes her a moment to respond, but finally she shrugs. "Are you happy?"

  My free hand tops Saul's and Victoria's as I nod. "I'm happier than I've ever been before."

  Annabelle reaches over and tops all our hands with hers and a genuine smile. "Then so am I."

  A smaller hand tops all of ours as Kylie grins. "So am I." Then, she giggles. "Wow. Momma's not gonna believe this!"

  "Neither is Nana," Annabelle sighs. "You figure out how to explain this to her yet?"

  "Ai, no," I groan, one hand running up my face and into my hair. "Any suggestions?"

  "A bottle of tequila," Annabelle snorts.

  "For me or for her?"

  My question is left unanswered due to a knock on the door. Kylie rushes over to peek through the peep-hole then opens the door with a smiled greeting for Sarah. Sarah hugs her daughter with a tired effort then freezes as she catches sight of the crowd in Annabelle's living room.

  Sarah's green eyes narrow at Saul. "If this is an intervention, I aint interested."

  "Sissy," Saul starts as he stands up, but Kylie beats him to the punchline.

  "Momma! Uncle Saul and Aunt Vickie and Uncle Austin are getting married!"

  Annabelle busts out into laughter as I try not to choke on my tongue. Kids... Can't fault them for ripping up the bushes everyone else tries to go around.

  "What?" Sarah blinks at us as Kylie closes the door then tugs her mom towards the living room. "And where's yer brother?"

  "Sleeping, as usual," Kylie huffs. "He's fine, momma. I only left him, like, two minutes ago to start a bottle."

  "I'll take care of that," Annabelle sees her chance to duck out and takes it. "You just have a seat, hon, and I'll bring Bastion to you. Long shift?"

  "Always," Sarah exhales as she collapses down into the chair Annabelle vacates. "Thanks."

  Her blond hair is tied up in a messy bun with an pen sticking out of it, and her pink uniform has ketchup stains, but what's most noticeable are the dark circles under her eyes. Sarah is two years younger than Saul, but she looks so worn down by her life that she appears more like his much older sister. Even the bright green of her irises, that usually make her and Saul look like twins, are dulled and distant.

  I've seen that look before, just four days ago in the mirror. It's that ghosted expression people get when their soul's running on empty. I think maybe she's reaching the end of how much longer she can fight against everything that's stacking up against her.

  Kylie flops down into the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest while sitting close enough to her mom's legs to lean on them. Kylie's still smiling, but I can see the worry on her face, too. She's not self-absorbed enough not to notice how run-down her mom looks.

  Sarah reaches down and lightly brushes a hand through Kylie's hair. "You finish that report for English?"

  "Yes, ma'am. Old Mrs. Lowe will have her dang 'Christmas Vacation' story." Kylie turns her gaze back to us. "She acted like it was a present, giving us an assignment over the holidays."

  "Kylie," Sarah's voice warns.

  "I know, I know," she huffs. "It's for my own good."

  "That's right," Sarah smiles down at the top of Kylie's head. "Schoolin'
is important. Yer gonna be right smarter than yer momma so you don't have'ta work yer feet off in a diner all day."

  Kylie frowns with a bit of shame in her eyes that Sarah can't see. "Yes, ma'am."

  Saul opens his mouth to say something, but Sarah speaks first. "So, what's this about marriage?"

  Kylie's back to giggling. "Momma, Uncle Saul didn't know Austin's gay."

  "Uh-hu," Sarah shakes her head lightly. "Yer Uncle Saul aint never been one for seein' the obvious."

  Saul's face heats, and I can't tell if it's from embarrassment or anger. I'm guessing he's still a little sore about Sarah and Kyle's affair. He opens his mouth, but again Sarah beats him to it.

  "So, you finally figured it out?" Sarah's one eyebrow is raised, and something tells me she isn't just talking about Saul and I. "And, what did you decide to do about it?"

  Saul's grip on my hand tightens. "I've done decided that I love him and Victoria both, and that maybe that's okay - fer people who love each other ta' act outside the norm, so ta' speak."

  "Have you now?" Sarah raises her other eyebrow. "So, you love them both and that's okay."

  Saul inhales through his nose, reading between the same lines I am. I hate seeing the two of them fight, even when they're doing it covertly so they don't involve Kylie. Kylie's presence is probably helping to keep them both calmer than I expected this meeting to go.

  With an exhale, Saul nods. "I think it's okay, and I hope yer happy with it, too."

  "I'm happy... for you," Sarah says quietly, her gaze drifting back down to Kylie's hair. "I'm glad you three have been able ta' make it work. It aint easy, sometimes, even if ya' love that person so much it hurts."

  "That's true," Victoria places a hand on Sarah's arm. The touch refocuses Sarah's attention and the two women share a smile. "But I also think that things have a way of working out how they're supposed to in the end. It can just take a long, long time, and sometimes, things get worse before they get better."

  Sarah nods lightly, her smile faltering until Annabelle reappears to set baby Bastion into Sarah's lap. Sarah's whole face brightens as she runs a finger along Bastion's plump cheek. The baby is pretty dang cute, with a round, chubby face and a mop of dark hair already growing to cover his bald head. For a second, he opens his eyes to stare at us, and I'm astonished by how blue they are.

  I'm surprised neither one of her kids got the green eyes like her and Saul. Guess maybe Rob's blue eyes have a strong gene, or something.

  Wait. Aren't Rob's eyes brown?

  I can't picture them, but I've only met the man a few times when he's been on leave from the service, and most of those times were because Saul and I had to haul his drunk ass out of some bar or the drunk tank at the Johnson County jail. Not exactly good opportunities to give a shit about what color a man's eyes are. As I sit and think on it, though... A thought I'm not so sure I'm happy to have pops into my head.

  "Well," Sarah sighs as she repositions Bastion so she can stand. "We best be gettin' home so I can start dinner."

  "You're welcome to stay," Annabelle offers. "I was gonna make that sweet corn casserole you love."

  "I appreciate the invite," Sarah stands, switching Bastion to her other hip. "But Rob's expecting spaghetti."

  "Oh, he is, is he?" Saul nearly hisses.

  Sarah's brow raises again at Saul's tone. "Kylie, go gather yer things an' Bastion's carrier, please."

  "Yes, ma'am."

  As soon as Kylie's gone from the room, Sarah glares at her brother. "Watch what you say 'round her."

  Saul lowers his voice, but he aint backing down, either. "You better watch him 'round her."

  "He'd never..." Sarah blinks then shakes her head, side-stepping her brother to get closer to Annabelle's front door. "He's just in a bad place right now. Getting discharged messed him right up on top 'a everything else. He's promised ta' get treatment soon as they have a spot for him."

  "That's what he said last year, and the year before that," Saul takes her arm. "Sissy, please. I don't want you an' the kids near him 'till he gets that so called treatment he keeps promisin' - treatment that he needs. You shouldn't let him make you believe his bullshit again."

  "It's my bed, Saul." She tugs her arm out of his grasp. "I can sleep in it all on my own."

  Saul starts to argue, but I pull him back a bit with a hand to his shoulder, nodding down at Kylie as she bounces back into the room. Saul runs a hand through his hair then holds out and arm. "C'mere, buggyboo. Give the old man a hug, 'fore you turn thirteen and get too cool for hugs."

  "I'll never be too cool for hugs," Kylie grins as she sets down the baby carrier and takes the offered hug.

  "You say that now," Saul teases before lettings go.

  Kylie hugs me and Victoria in turn then follows her mom out the door. I have a feeling things have been left more than a little unsettled, and I share Saul's concern for the well being of Sarah and the kids. Sarah's right, though. It's her bed that she's made, and it's her choice to sleep in it or burn it.

  I hope she doesn't fall asleep in it while it's burning down around her, though, and I hope to God the kids don't have to watch it if she does.

  "So," Annabelle takes in a deep breath, one wrist shaking a charm bracelet, then exhales away the tension still lingering in the room. "Who's hungry?"

  Saul

  Well, that didn't go so well. As usual, I barely got a word in with Sarah's stubborn way 'a taking over a conversation so that only her point is the last one standin'. How a girl so dang clever keeps makin' such stupid decisions is beyond my understandin'.

  I saw the worry in her eyes, though. She's not believing the bullshit Rob's promising any more than I am. I know she's tryin' ta' hold on to her marriage for the kids' sake, but when does it become more damaging to stay than to leave?

  Annabelle's casserole is awesome, but the whole dinner is a quiet affair now that Kylie's boisterous, bright nature is gone. I'm so worried about that girl and what this is doin' to her. She's such a brilliant light in our lives, and I hate to see anything dim her spirit. Her worry was just as clear to see as her momma's.

  The quiet continues as we drive back to our temporary home at Brandon's estate. I should be excited about spending the night with Vickie and Austin in such close proximity to all the fun toys the club has to offer, but my arousal is tempered by my anxiety. I can't wait to pull Austin into the other side of the bedroom that includes leather, whips and maybe a harness or two....

  But, my focus is elsewhere entirely. I keep thinking about Sarah going home ta' make spaghetti for a man who don't ever seem ta' appreciate anything she does. I see Kylie hiding out in her room, readin' and tryin' ta' ignore how her parents are yellin' at each other again. I hear little Bastion cryin' 'cause all the ruckus done woke him up.

  I see my childhood repeated, and it makes me sick.

  "Uh-oh," Austin sighs from the passenger seat as tires hit gravel behind Brandon's estate.

  I lean forward to look between them out the front window and see the cause of Austin's concern. Kyle's Camaro is parked next to my beat-up truck. At first, I'm mad it's there, but then I'm relieved. This is the last thing I need to sort out, and I'm glad I don't have to go huntin' across Johnson County to find him. I'm also glad he's here instead of parked outside Sarah's house.

  "Saul," Vickie's glancing back at me after she turns of the ignition.

  "Don't worry, honey. I aint gonna hit him, but the two 'a us need ta' talk."

  She and Austin both smile at that as they get out of the car, then they both each take one of my hands as we head up to the back porch together. A look passes between them, and I get the distinct impression I just earned myself that reward they promised me yesterday. Maybe after I square away things with Kyle, I'll feel more in the mood for havin' some fun with my partners.

  We step into the kitchen to find Kyle sitting alone at the table, a forelorn look on his face until he sees me. I expected him to be furious with me for rearranging his face, but there a
int a touch 'a anger in his cobalt-blue eyes. He looks as exhausted as Sarah, like he aint slept since I punched his lights out last week. There's worry in that expression, too, mixed in with a sadness I once thought him incapable 'a showin'.

  Kyle's always been closed off emotionally since that night in the barn when our friendship was tested by experiencing death firsthand so early in life. We all know Kyle blames himself for Brendon's death, since it was him slamming the horse gate that spooked Briar Rose, but not even Brandon lays an ounce a blame on Kyle's shoulders. We was kids. Stupid, precocious kids who thought nothin' in the world could ever rip our posse apart.

  "Evening," Kyle nods once. "Have a nice trip?"

  "We did," Victoria smiles. "Are Brandon and Emma at Ian's again?"

  Kyle lets out a halfhearted chuckle. "Yeah. I think Ian's got a new obsession to try as many recipes as he can get his hands on. Brandon was saying Ian's even been looking into a way to set his actual oven on a switch to the plug so he doesn't have to unplug it from the wall every night."

  "You could probably help with that," I nudge into the conversation.

  "Maybe," he shrugs. "I guess between an architect and an engineer, we could figure it out."

  "Or Jerry-rig Ian's stove ta' land on the moon," I grin, bringing up an old topic in the hopes of breaking the ice.

  "Oh, c'mon," he finally breaks into a grin. "I was ten, and that rocket made it all the way to old man Larsen's paddock."

  "And what a right mess that was," I laugh back. "Scared his sheep half ta' death. Had to muck them stalls for him for a month as repayment."

  "Don't remind me," he mutters with a shake of the head. "I'm still coughing up wool."

  "Speaking of stalls," Austin steps back towards the back door. "I better go check on the horses."

  "And I better go call my folks," Vickie also makes her exit. "Tabitha and Joey have both been messaging me since three."

  I know they're just making excuses to give Kyle and I some time alone, but it's appreciated. With a tight exhale, I look back at my friend. One black eye is gone and the other has faded to a bruise, and his split lip looks like it's mending up pretty nicely. I feel bad knowin' my fists did that to his face, but I'm not ready to just forget he's been sneakin' around with my baby sissy all these years.