Hogtied: Mingo McCloud, #7

by AJ Llewellyn

  Everyone burst into applause. People rushed over to us, hugging, and kissing us. I didn’t see Shenice again, but I decided I wouldn’t worry. Everything went by in such a blur, but I remember drinking a lot of champagne and liliko’i mimosas, and dancing with many men and women. I’d had enough to drink that I started to laugh when people asked about Lady Di’s wedding dress.

  “You would have looked stunning, darling!” Dani said, and hugged me to her. She was a sweetheart, but we had a few issues between us. Every time I glanced at Ferric, he was talking earnestly to the man who’d accompanied Shenice to the wedding. Who the hell was he? I knew she was on her second husband since Francois and I had been together. Or was it her third?

  I glanced at Francois. He was laughing at something Mele said.

  I mostly hung out with Leilani. She and I are very similar. Quite shy, really. Our clients would be surprised to learn this since we hide it well in work situations. Give me a desk and a legal pad, and I’m the life of the party. Stick me at the center of attention in a large group, and I plot to escape to someplace dark and quiet.

  Leilani kept revealing more unpleasant moments from her abduction, and I would listen, then pass her another liliko’i mimosa. I felt terrible about not being there for her. She felt terrible that she never got to try Lippy’s saimin.

  “Do you think he would have put the plastic bag over that old lady’s head?” she asked several times.

  The wedding cake turned out to be a big hit, and I had three, okay, four slices. People were being nice but whenever a moment of uneasiness erupted within me, I found an endless supply of mimosas nearby.

  Around six o’clock, as the sky started to show signs of sliding into sunset, people made moves to leave. Mele and Leilani took Debbie home. She’d eaten somebody’s corn on the cob, as in the entire cob, and she’d barfed it up but was clearly not feeling good.

  She gave my hand a lick, but she seemed hot and listless.

  “We’re coming here for breakfast tomorrow, right?” Leilani asked me.

  “Of course.” I hugged her and gave her and Mele their wedding favors, which were pretty groovy if you asked me. We’d collected things from our favorite haunts around the islands. Everybody got fifty-dollar gift cards to the first restaurant we went to together and where we knew we were in love—Haleiwa Joe’s. Also, other local goodies, a generous gift card to Lappert’s ice cream shop, bags of sweet and spicy li hing mango from Lokoea Farm, small boxes of hand-crafted chocolate from Choco le’a, and seed packets from my mom’s garden to grow maile. They also got twenty-five-dollar Amazon gift cards, courtesy of my mom. She’s wild about online shopping.

  “You’re awesome,” Leilani said. Her eyes shone with boozy joy. I was feeling a little of it myself.

  As they left, I noticed Ferric hugging Alika for several minutes. She and her parents got ready to leave, but I sensed no animosity from Dani and Adam toward me and Francois.

  “That was our first gay wedding!” Dani trilled, waving to me as I passed her a loot bag. “We loved it. All our friends are jealous. We got lots of likes on Facebook and Instagram!”

  “Great,” I said. To me, weddings were weddings. I hadn’t invited her because it was a gay wedding, but because it was our wedding. I hadn’t invited her and Adam to breakfast the next day. Good. It would give me plenty of time to gossip to the girls about her. Her and her used coffee pot.

  Ferric drew me aside after they’d gone. “Dad! Dad! Alika confessed she identifies as lesbian.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Before I could think of a socially responsible and emotionally acceptable response he said, “It all makes sense now. Why she hated kissing and never wanted to be naked with me—”

  “You tried to be naked with her?”

  His face reddened. “To go skinny-dipping, Dad. All the kids do it.”

  I stared at him. Since when? Francois and I were going to have a discussion with him. Soon.

  “Anyway, now I understand. I get it. I am very supportive of the GLBTQ community. After all, I’m part of it. I’m totally on board with it.”

  When the hell had he learned to speak like that?

  “So, you see, I can be her friend. I’m thrilled to be her friend. And we’ve got even more in common, now. We both dig chicks!” He dropped his voice. “Did you see Shenice’s new boyfriend? She said they’re getting married. I thought she was already married.”

  “So did I.”

  He took a loot bag. We’d promised him he could have one.

  “I’m so stoked to get this. I’ve had my eye on a graphic novel on Amazon. Later, tater.”

  “Yeah. Later.” Where had Shenice gone? And what had she and Ferric talked about, anyway?

  Francois came and found me. For the first time, I realized our garden was trashed.

  “Benny made a bit of a spectacle of himself,” Francois said.

  “He did? I didn’t even know he came.”

  “Yeah. He showed up pissed as hell because he tried to bond Sage out of jail, but he was already out. Didn’t you see him here with Shenice?”

  “Shenice? Is that who was under the weird hair and sunglasses?”

  “Naw, babe. That’s her new dude. Sage is her friend. She bonded him out.”

  “I didn’t even know they knew each other.”

  He shrugged. “Neither did I. The whole thing is weird. Benny got upset but he came through for us. His crazy cousin Vitoria showed up and he escorted her off the premises.”

  “Did he come back?”

  “Yeah. Looking for Sage.”

  “I didn’t see Sage here.”

  “He was here,” Francois said, his face darkening with anger. “He drank two beers and came on to Shenice’s boyfriend. How did you miss all that? I had to make ‘em all leave.” He laughed. “It’s funny when you think about it.”

  “Funny? How?”

  “Well, she thought she and I might end up together. I turned out to be gay. Sage turned out to be gay. Her new guy possibly is, too.”

  “I’m beginning to feel sorry for her,” I said.

  “Don’t. Now listen. Tonight, you’re off the hook. Tomorrow, however, sunshine, we gotta sort out the damned eagle. Right now. I want dinner.”

  “But we’ve been eating all day.”

  “Nope. Your mom’s broiling thick juicy steaks for us. And I’m starved.”

  “Okay.” I let him lead me into the house. We’d face the task of cleaning up everything in the morning.

  “Kiss me,” Francois suddenly said. It made me feel a whole lot better, that’s for sure. Something was niggling at me. I didn’t know what. But I could smell steak, and I was sure I detected baked potato. As we shut the door on the world, it felt so good to have my little family, my husband, my son, my mom, and our cats. All to ourselves.

  For ever and ever and ever.

  ***

  Francois’s cell phone rang in the middle of the night, but I was too sleepy to even feign interest in the call. He didn’t talk long but it didn’t sound good.

  “That’s bad news,” he said a couple of times.

  I was too busy dealing with my own bad news in my dreams. Or maybe they were nightmares. I dreamed that somebody broke all my mom’s special Wallace China dishware. The guilt almost drove me from my much-needed sleep. Almost. I was too tired to get up and go clean up the backyard like I should have after the guests left. I fretted—in my sleep—that rain or thieves would wreck her dishes. When I’d been awake, I’d been too busy being a family man and eating all the wedding cake I wanted. Francois said wedding cake had zero calories on your wedding day.

  “Tomorrow, you go gluten-free,” he said. I would have laughed, except that I had a mouthful of cake.

  I usually awaken with my cock in Francois’s hand, and his cock poking at my butt. But. I woke up at seven to find myself alone in our bed. Alone! On what should have been the first day of our honeymoon! So, this was how married life was gonna be…

  The divine scent
of coffee and some kind of fruity syrup did a lot to improve my mood. Gluten-free, my ass! Dragging myself out of bed, I threw on some clean clothes and hightailed it to the kitchen. I was a little distressed to see my nearest and dearest were already at the breakfast table inhaling mounds of scrambled eggs, French toast, bacon, and a jumble of fresh fruit.

  Our cats were milling around their food stations enjoying whatever tasty snacks my mom had prepared for them.

  “We’re having company for breakfast!” I said. “At eleven!”

  “It’s just Mele and Leilani. And they’re the second shift.” My mom waved her spatula around. “Take a seat, Michael. There’s coffee on the table.”

  I hesitated. Michael. She only called me that when something was wrong. When I’d done something wrong, in fact.

  Francois looked up from his iPad, warmth and concern flooding his face. “I was gonna come back to bed, but since you’re here—” He pointed to the coffee cup beside him.

  Ferric was giving a piece of French toast a good workout and he inclined his head to the left. I followed his direction and saw the smashed dinner plate on the sideboard. Oh, no.

  “Who did that?” I asked. “I’ll kill them.”

  My mom came over as I took a seat and slid a thick hunk of French toast onto my plate. “I did.” Her voice held an aggrieved tone. “It’s the only one. Lucky, considering I did all the cleanup myself after you all went to bed last night.”

  That explained the Michael. “Sorry, Mom.” I got up and hugged her. “I’ll buy you a replacement.”

  She hugged me back and smiled. “Yeah, you will. And don’t worry, Mingo. You’re only going to get married once.” Her eyes turned into mean little slits and she stared at Francois. “I hope.”

  He grinned. “That’s the plan.” He picked up a piece of bacon and bit into it.

  I sat beside him once again, and he shot me a swift kiss.

  “Lemme know when you’ve finished eating. We’ve got business to discuss,” he said, heaving a sigh. I didn’t like the way he was eying my French toast. I slathered it in pink syrup. One of my mom’s concoctions.

  “Business?” I asked, fool that I am.

  “Yeah. Lippy. Benny. And that fucking eagle.”

  “Language, son,” my mom said. “Little pitchers have big ears.”

  “Am I supposed to be the little pitcher?” Ferric asked, reaching for more bacon. “Because fuck is a beautiful word. I like it a lot.”

  Francois and I laughed but Mom turned stone-faced.

  “You do? Are you telling me you’re no longer a virgin?” She looked horrified.

  “I didn’t say that.” Ferric looked mortified. Under his breath he muttered, “But I hope I won’t be forever.”

  “You won’t, sweetie,” I whispered, patting his hand as Mom poured more French toast batter onto the griddle.

  Francois slid his iPad over to me. “Babe. Some Wallace China dishes are on eBay. Maybe you can pick one out and have it shipped to your mom.”

  “Excellent.” I rifled through the listings. There were dozens of them. Palm leaves. Magnolia flowers. Endless old restaurant-branded Wallace China. I even noticed red poppies, Westward Ho, and chuck wagon motifs, but no surfer girls. A quick search revealed the only surfer girls to be found were on Pinterest. I’d replace the dish for her if it was the last thing I did.

  I knew all the Internet sites for replacement dishes, but it might take a few minutes. Since I was already on eBay, I typed in Hawaiian dishes and was stunned to see one of the party favor bags we’d given to our guests for sale!

  “Francois. Look!”

  He was pissed too. “Who the hell is selling our party favors?” he hollered. He grabbed the iPad. “Mingo, did you read the listing?”

  “What does it say?” Ferric asked around a mouthful of fruit.

  Francois read aloud. “It says, ‘Brand new loot bag given to guests at gay wedding in Honolulu of forensic accountant Mingo McCloud and security expert, Francois Aumary’.”

  “Who’s the seller?” I asked, but I already had a clue.

  “DancingDiva.”

  “That’s Dani Clayton.” I couldn’t believe it. “She’s selling our party favors?”

  “We gave up the idea of a honeymoon to buy nice gifts for our friends and to fix up this house. If I’d known they’d start selling them, I’d have given them a bag of rainbow-colored Jordan almonds, just like your mom wanted us to.”

  “What’s the bid on it?” Mom asked.

  “Ten dollars. Opening bid. Nobody’s upped it. Cripes. This makes me want to eat carbs. Have we got any more French toast?” Francois whined.

  “Coming right up.” Mom slid him another slice and took her seat at the table. “We’re gonna need more Hawaiian bread and some bacon before the girls get here. We’re good for eggs and fruit. Francois, are you going to tell Mingo about Lippy?”

  Francois shot her a frustrated look. Uh-oh.

  “What about Lippy?” I swallowed my last bite of ooey-gooey eggy French toast. Maybe I could swing by the donut shop when I went to pick up bread and bacon.

  “The guy he hit in the head with the Foreman grill? The neighbor?”

  “Yeah,” I said, dreading some really bad news.

  “He died during the night. So Lippy’s charges are escalating to murder.”

  “Oh, that’s horrible.” My appetite collapsed. “Is that the call you got in the middle of the night?”

  “Yeah. It was Benny, asking for all the security footage.” Francois had no trouble eating, it seemed. “He wants you to call him. He wants you and Leilani to work on the bank fraud aspect to it. He did his check kiting scam in three cities on the mainland, but Hawaii gets precedence since it’s a capital crime case.” He stopped chewing and talking. “The cops are gonna want a detailed statement from Leilani. And, according to Benny, she’s lucky he didn’t hurt her. She might be traumatized for a long time over this. Maybe you wanna go with her when she gives them her statement.”

  I nodded. “Of course. But she may prefer Mele to go with her.”

  “And now,” he said, wiping his mouth dramatically, “let’s tackle that fucking eagle.”

  “Son—” my mom began.

  He held up a hand. “Sorry.”

  Francois and I rose from the table. Ferric had taken over the iPad and was playing some game on it.

  “Sometimes, he’s still a kid,” Francois murmured to me as we made our way to the closet where Ferric and Mom had stashed the eagle. “And other times, those manly hormones kick in.”

  “Tell me about it.” I thrust open the closet door. The space looked like it had been ransacked.

  “What the—” Francois moved in headfirst. “You sure this is the closet?”

  “Yeah.”

  Francois screamed for my mom and Ferric. They came running.

  “Oh, my God.” Mom clapped her hand to her mouth. “We left it neat as a pin.”

  It couldn’t be. But it was. We checked all the closets in our house, but our first guess was correct.

  It was gone.

  Our illegal eagle had been stolen.

  Chapter Six

  Mom moved a hand toward a box teetering on top of a bunch of other stuff.

  “Don’t!” Francois barked. “This was a serious crime. We’re gonna have to report this to the police. And we’re gonna have to dust for prints.”

  “Francois, nobody left this house yesterday. Somebody was here all the time. Which means one of our wedding guests—”

  “Is a bloody crook!” Mom yelled. “And it’s all my fault.”

  I stared at her. “Why do you say that?”

  Her cheeks turned pink. “I had an argument with Shenice about your wedding gifts. She thought they were cheap and tacky. I couldn’t help myself. I just happened to mention somebody gave you an art piece worth over a hundred million dollars.”

  “Oh, man.” Francois ran his hand down his face. “Did you tell her where it was?”

  �
��Of course not. I didn’t even tell her what it was.”

  “I did.” Ferric looked devastated. “She kept bugging me to show it to her. It was right after the wedding ceremony. I told her we’d put it away for safekeeping.”

  “Oh, I saw you talking to her. And she kept bugging you to see it?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t tell her it was felonious gift.” His eyes grew huge. “You think she took it?”

  “Yes,” Mom, Francois, and I said in unison.

  “Mingo, find those papers you got for the bird. Mom. I’m going to give you a number to call for the main branch of Honolulu Police’s Criminal Investigation Division. This is Lieutenant Frank Tarren’s direct number. He’s the chief of the financial fraud division. If he’s not there, try his home number.” He handed her his cell phone. “The numbers are listed in order. Don’t tell him anything. Just say it’s urgent. And tell him to please come right away. Don’t speak to anybody else!”

  “Yessir! And what are you going to do?”

  Francois sighed. “Ferric and I are going to go through our security footage. Thankfully, every room in the house, and the whole backyard is wired up. Nobody touches this closet, okay?”

  “Okay,” we all said and ran off to do his bidding. By the time I returned with my consignment papers and a ton of questions, he’d set up his computer at the kitchen table. He found the footage of Ferric and Shenice talking outside. I watched the video over their shoulders. I looked quite handsome in my wedding outfit.

  “Look at your father doing the lizard dance,” Francois muttered to Ferric.

  “Lizard dance? That was the hula!” I tried not to be affronted. I knew he was totally stressed out about the theft.

  Mom walked in. “I got hold of your cop in Honolulu. He’s on his way. He says he has a new partner working with him.”

  “Fine,” Francois said. I’d never known him to be so stressed, but a hundred million dollars was a lot of money. “Ferric. What did your mom say exactly?”