Mr Darcy's Cottage of Earthly Delights

by Beth Massey

  Darcy’s mouth took a tilt upward as he nodded his assent. His real goal was to get back to Pemberley with Elizabeth, but a slight detour to Hertfordshire could be survived. At this moment, it seemed to him that with Lizzy at his side he could survive most anything. “Your plan sounds a good compromise. Of course, Elizabeth is the true determining factor with regards a double wedding.”

  “I will write to my family immediately to encourage them to travel to London as soon as possible. Perhaps you would like to enclose some words of preparation for Elizabeth. Could you be ready in an hour?”

  Darcy had passed his first hurdle. His smile was broad and genuine when he replied. “I most certainly could.”

  George Wickham was told he had two visitors, and brought to a windowless room with a table and benches. Colonel Fitzwilliam was sitting on one of the benches with a supercilious grin on his face. The other man looked vaguely familiar, but Wickham could not recall his name. The man was huge… as tall as Darcy, but his frame was much larger. The bulge of muscles as he stood with his arms crossed in front, seemed about to burst out of his coat. Wickham, who was not a small man, felt insignificant in the presence of this tree trunk of a man. All in all, Wickham believed he was there to intimidate.

  The man was smiling broadly as he spoke for the first time. His voice was a rich deep baritone. “Mr Wickham, I am the Viscount Colton. I am here to make a settlement with you with regard Miss Lydia Bennet. You will not be required to marry her, but you will be required to leave the country.”

  Upon hearing the man’s name he realized he was the eldest son and heir of the Earl of Blessing. He had once observed the man and his brother in the ring at Cambridge. Both had been expert pugilists. The brother had defeated Lord Colton after ten minutes. He wondered why a viscount had become involved in solving the problem of the Bennet chit’s ruination. He decided to chat before they laid out their proposal and he countered with his requirements. “Sir, I saw you and your brother box when I was at school. How is your brother? I had several classes with him. His name, I believe, was Lawrence… yes, Mr Lawrence Holmes. Does he still box?”

  “My brother is the vicar who replaced my grandfather for the livings at both Blessing and Colton. He is now a fighter of a different kind. No more boxing, but instead he fights against sin. Were you not studying with the hopes of joining the clergy?” He removed his gloves and placed them atop his hat on the table. “But we have digressed from my mission. As I said, you must leave the country.”

  “How do you propose to force me to do that?” Wickham felt it necessary to put forward a challenge.

  Lord Colton continued to smile cheerfully. “Well, I thought you would prefer that to Marshalsea. Colonel Fitzwilliam said your debts of honour combined with what you owe tradesmen all over the country total in excess of three thousand pounds. That amount means you will most definitely die in Southwark.”

  “But I owe you nothing. The courts will not listen to you. Besides Colonel Fitzwilliam said Darcy would pay them when I married Miss Lydia.”

  “Oh please! Do you not think I could find someone to press your case? I believe the only reason no one has done so is because you have been wise enough to keep moving. Darcy is no longer interested in you. He has handed his share of your punishment to me. Now, do you really want to tangle with someone who will soon be a peer, and is already by your own admission an expert pugilist?” Lord Colton crossed his arms across his chest. Once again, the muscles in his arms bulged ominously as he looked with disdain at the lieutenant. “My word would be much more honoured by the courts than yours.”

  Wickham looked thoroughly confused. In an attempt to keep his fear at bay, he kept his gaze at a steady smile. Lord Colton chuckled ominously. “What is your interest in Miss Lydia Bennet?”

  This time the viscount narrowed his eyes and his smile seemed slightly more sinister to Wickham. “Less than two hours ago she agreed to marry me.”

  Wickham unwisely settled on replying with the intent of engaging in some braggadocio and extortion. “Why you would want to marry the chit is beyond me. She is uncommonly silly. Besides, I was bored with her after only one time. Is your reason for ridding yourself of me—because I had her first? Do you fear losing face and your bride being gossiped about as used goods among the ton. Perhaps some hush money could keep everything a secret.”

  Lord Colton met his opponent’s sneer with one of his own. “No, Mr Wickham, you do not understand. Where I would have preferred to be her first and only lover, loss of face has nothing to do with my desire to have you gone. I do not want her, and the colonel does not want his cousin, Miss Darcy, to ever have to see you again. You traumatized them both.”

  “So, pay me ten thousand pounds and I will gladly leave.”

  “I do not think you understand my animosity toward you, Mr Wickham. The real difficulty for me as Lydia’s future husband is repairing the damage you have wrought with your incredibly poor skills as a lover. I must now spend days dispensing kisses and caresses in order to persuade my beloved that attentions from me will not be as abhorrent as yours were. From what she has told me, you know nothing about how to please a woman. Luckily most times you climbed on top, you spilled your seed rather quickly… otherwise she probably would never let me come near her. She was particularly traumatized by those times when you were drunk. Her account of you pumping and pumping and pumping was so very descriptive. Poor man, you never seemed to find the right balance. You either released much too early or you took way too long… and your technique was atrocious.”

  Lord Colton laughed with abandon at the vision he painted of Wickham in the throes of his poor performance. “I imagine you do not have to fight off the ladies looking for a repeat performance. When Lydia told me of you sweating atop her while she was wishing you dead, I must say the image struck me as quite humorous. I got another chuckle when she told me she did her best to ruin your ability to ever perform again. Yes, we had a good laugh at your expense when she told me about kneeing you.”

  George Wickham sputtered but nothing articulate came from his mouth.

  Lord Colton exhibited a broad smile that displayed many of his beautiful white teeth. He said, “I will give you fifty pounds and a ticket on a ship to Jamaica. Your other alternative, as I said earlier, is Marshalsea. You have twenty-four hours to decide.” With that he motioned to Richard and they left the room.

  Once outside, Richard asked, “Did Miss Lydia truly describe what he was like?”

  Lord Colton’s lip curled with contempt, and he practically spat out his reply. “No, she told me nothing. All I know is she revealed to Darcy it was uncomfortable. This cur is no mystery. He is like many men. They care nothing for the woman they are with. They climb on top and care only for their needs. I just had a tremendous desire to humiliate him. I believe I was successful. What say you?”

  Richard laughed and agreed, “You did, indeed. You were so successful that I am unsure why you wanted me along.”

  “One, you were needed to allow me access; and second, I needed someone to restrain me if I decided to beat him to death.”

  “You chose poorly in me as your safeguard against violence. I believe had you chosen that path, I would have offered to hold him. We could have shared a gallows.”

  Lord Colton laughed at his companion, “It is, indeed, fortuitous for both of us that I was able to restrain myself. Otherwise, I would not have been available to share a wedding day with your cousin. Besides, the sexual humiliation was much more pleasurable. I will, however, allow you the pleasure of receiving his agreement, and delivering the fifty pounds and ticket to Jamaica. My aunt has contacts that will be able to watch him and ensure he stays put.”

  During the carriage ride back to Darcy House, Richard broached a topic he had been desirous to raise for some time with the viscount. “I met your sister Lady Eleanor last year at a ball. We had a very enjoyable conversation while we danced. I had hoped to call on her, but my duties pulled me away. Has she every mentioned
meeting me?”

  “Yes, I believe she did last spring. She thought you charming. She did not think your looks were your strong suit, but she appreciated that you were slightly taller than she and were… oh what was the phrase she used? It was quite descriptive. Now I remember… she said you were a lean, mean but humorous fighting machine.”

  Richard laughed, “So, am I able to surmise from your answer that I made an impression on her? She is correct. I am not as handsome as Darcy, but I am often thought of as more charming, and I often make people laugh whether intentionally or not.

  “What thought you of her?”

  “She is quite beautiful, and very tall… taller than most men, and delightfully witty. Her features and hair remind me of those ubiquitous portraits one is inevitably stumbling across of Lady Hamilton by George Romney. Much can be said against Emma Hamilton, but no one is able to disparage her beauty… and your sister favours her greatly.”

  Lord Colton was very curious about where Colonel Fitzwilliam was going with his interest in Lady Eleanor. Would he soon inquire as to her dowry? “What else did you perceive of her?”

  “I enjoyed dancing with her, and there was much we found humorous that evening. Your entire family seems to enjoy laughter. I once attended a most enjoyable dinner party seated near your brother, the parson. I fail to recall what we both found so comical, but it is the laughter I remember from that evening, as well as my time with your sister. In addition, Lady Eleanor very favourably impressed me with her knowledge of military history. She had read Sun Tzu’s Art of War. I have thought of her often in the past year. Has she married, or has she become betrothed?”

  “She has not. She is self-conscious about her height. All of the men that came calling last year were shorter than she. One, in particular, seemed to find great enjoyment in the notion of marrying; and I believe dominating a much larger woman. It was Lord Littleton who had that plan. I remember his name because it seemed so appropriate. He did not last long as a suitor, and she always referred to him as the ‘banty rooster’ when he was expected to call. Once, she told me she would rather join a convent than to have someone ‘crowing’ after each joining.”

  Richard’s laughter came from deep within his belly. Once he had calmed himself, he said, “So is it your opinion, I might have a chance, if I renew my acquaintance at your wedding?”

  “I believe you might. She will be attending events in town during the Little Season and staying at Blessing House.”

  Elizabeth arose before dawn and walked to Oakham Mount. Before leaving she performed her ritual with the painting, the shawl and a prayer. She had added holding her locket and rubbing it during her prayer to the routine. Her words this morning had not been about the ruination of her family, but for help with making a decision about her own future. The necessity to be alone with her deliberation… away from all distractions had prompted her early morning sojourn.

  Yesterday afternoon an express rider had arrived from London. He had delivered three letters. One was for Mrs Bennet, another for Lizzy from her father, and a third was written by Aunt Gardiner for Jane. Mrs Bennet had initially been quite loud in her response to the news of her daughter’s wedding. Her gleeful hysterics had continued as she prepared for a visit to her sister’s in Meryton. However, by suppertime she was oddly subdued. Lizzy’s sisters made a great deal of commotion both before and after the evening meal. Kitty seemed alternately jealous and euphoric. She walked around the house repeating, “Lydia is to be a countess” to everyone she encountered. Lizzy observed her telling her father’s Irish wolfhound, Beowulf, and Jane’s cats, Puss and Boots, of Lydia’s luck. Mary had diverted her feelings into playing one of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata’s. Lizzy believed it was the one dedicated to some countess he had loved, and surmised Kitty’s oft-repeated refrain had given impetus to Mary’s choice. Jane would look up often from her embroidery, and talk about the impending trip to London and her aunt’s request she stay and help with her cousins. Even more, she wanted to discuss the extraordinary news that Mr Bingley had entered into business with their uncle.

  As usual with her walks at dawn, Beowulf accompanied her for protection. She had packed a basket with a crockery jug of tea, a couple of day-old buns, a mug, and a blanket. A blanket was spread, the jug uncorked and her mug filled. The dog was given one of the buns. As she watched the ball of butter sun rise above the misty pink horizon—the exact colour of Lady Anne’s shawl—she sipped the hot sweet tea, munched on the other bun and pondered her future. Once the spectacle was over, she took both of his letters out of her pocket to read, once again. Yesterday, Lizzy’s surprise had been great when she opened her father’s letter to find only a few short lines saying that Lydia was to be married in a fortnight and that the family must travel to London immediately to prepare. Inside her father’s letter was another letter from Will.

  My Dearest Lizzy,

  Your father has agreed to allow me to write a few lines. By now, you know your sister is to marry a long time acquaintance of mine—Jonathon Holmes—the Viscount Colton. This is not a marriage of convenience. Lord Colton is a good and amiable gentleman. I believe your sister will experience great joy as his wife. When I observe them together, they appear formed for each other—much as I feel we are perfectly suited. Their attraction was, indeed, sudden; but it does not in my mind diminish the inescapable certainty of their happiness. Better I had acted as quickly on my immediate enthrallment as Lord Colton did. We would be married. I am tired of waiting.

  Your sister and Lord Colton are to be married in a fortnight at Saint James, here in London. I am writing to implore you to consider a double wedding with them. The timing of our nuptials would be very close to the month we promised as our goal that day in the cottage. Please, say yes. It is time we put all our misgivings behind us and seize the joy.

  Your father has acquiesced to my request for a joining at the altar of the two couples, provided you agree. In preparation for the momentous event, he is requesting your entire family come to London for the ceremony and celebration. When Lydia returns to Meryton married to a viscount, I believe the gossip of her indiscretion will die, and be replaced by envious talk of her good fortune. As much as I dislike being the object of discussion, our marriage would further fuel that talk, and greatly change your family’s place in society.

  As I wrote in my previous letter; I miss you, I need you, I dream of you, I want you. The most important truth is that I love you forever and all times. Please answer my prayer. Agree to meet me at the altar of Saint James in a fortnight.

  Love,

  Will

  Elizabeth reread the previous letter that had been hidden in the painting. One paragraph in particular caused her to conclude that she would indeed meet him at Saint James.

  We will speak of your letter when I arrive in Hertfordshire. The only thing, on which I will comment now, is to tell you I will never marry anyone but you. I said vows to you that day in the curricle. As far as I am concerned, we are married. We have formalities we must endure for propriety’s sake, but my commitment is forever. I distinctly remember saying to you that nothing but death would ever part us—that includes Wickham and a fifteen-year-old’s thoughtless folly.

  The ruination wrought by Wickham was no more. Her fears of Will being loath to connect himself with her family had been unfounded, and it was time to ‘answer his prayer.’ As he said, they were already married, so their intimacy was not wrong. Only the formality of the service remained to be accomplished. Lizzy sighed with contentment, and the sound prompted Beowulf to lift and cock his head in response. She kissed his muzzle and said, “I will be meeting Mr Darcy in a fortnight at Saint James. What do you think about that?” The dog replied with a bark of approval.

  Elizabeth made her way home. She needed to pack. Her sisters, her mother, and Mr and Mrs Phillips were to travel to town in two carriages the following day. As she walked, she contemplated the plans her father and Mr Darcy had arranged to accommodate the large party coming f
or the weddings. Mr and Mrs Bennet and Mr and Mrs Phillips would be housed at the Gardiners.’ The Bennet daughters would stay at Darcy House, with Georgiana and Mrs Annesley. There were plenty of maids available to take care of all the young women’s needs right through to the big day. In two days time, Lord Colton’s sister, Lady Eleanor, would join them. Most of the young ladies’ time would be spent visiting modistes to secure wedding clothes. Mr Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam, in the interest of propriety, would move across Grosvenor Square to Blessing House. Lord Colton’s father, his doctor and his brother were expected to arrive with Lady Eleanor. Elizabeth laughed at the thought of so many young women residing together, while a similar number of men would be situated across a small park.

  Elizabeth joined her sisters and mother for breakfast. Her mother was animated again. “Lizzy, I must know whether there is to be a double wedding? If you are to wait, and marry here in Hertfordshire, I need to begin planning immediately.”

  “Yes, Mama I have decided to agree to Mr Darcy’s request. Had he not left to rescue Lydia, we would have been marrying here in a fortnight… at least, that is what we agreed to when he proposed in Derbyshire.”

  “I wish you had told me he had proposed, when you returned from Derbyshire. Reading your father’s letter was such a shock. I learned that two of my daughters would be marrying men of such prominence without any prior hint of either being a possibility. I assumed the best that could result from Lydia’s folly was a quick wedding to Mr Wickham—and lo and behold, I read that Lydia is marrying a viscount; and you have accepted, and your father has agreed, to a marriage with Mr Darcy. Until that moment, I believed you thought him arrogant and never looked at you except to find fault—at least you said that often enough.”

  “Mama, I am so very sorry to have withheld the information of my acceptance, but I was fearful we would never be able to marry because of our family’s disgrace. I had freed him from any obligation before I left Derbyshire. He refused to accept my release. Instead, he became determined to save Lydia. His love seems to be more steadfast that I thought.”