Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  I had nothing left to live for. Maybe today was a good day to die. As long as I took Charybdis with me, I simply didn’t care anymore.

  “Get ready to say goodbye, you piece of murdering shit,” I snarled as I dive-bombed her head with a vengeance that came from having lost everything.

  In the end, it had been easy. The monster had never witnessed savagery like mine. She got her shots in and damaged me to the extent I was sure I was a goner. That didn’t matter. Her head was in my hands. It was no longer attached to her blubbery body. She would never harm anyone again.

  I was just devasted that I’d been too late. Dying would be a blessing. I could be with my Genie. Closing my eyes, I let go. My body ached so much I wasn’t sure where the pain was coming from.

  Sleep. I just wanted to sleep.

  Delphinus

  “Open your eyes,” I shouted at the crumpled body of my Mermaid. “For the love of the gods, please open your eyes.”

  Petunia the Sea Monster Slayer had indeed slayed the monster, but had she depleted herself so badly she wouldn’t survive?

  Upton had arrived on the scene with the Mermaids, their mates and the Pirates. Once they assessed what was happening, they quickly and expertly moved all to shore. I’d been hit by a massive dart, but being the son of a god had saved me. Clearly, Petunia hadn’t known this. She’d gone after Charybdis like a woman who had nothing left to live for.

  I hated myself right now. This was my fault. By the time I’d regained my strength, it was too late. My reason for living was barely alive.

  “The stars are coming out,” Upton said as he squatted down beside me on the shore.

  We were surrounded by all the people who loved my Mermaid. Yolanda had made it as had Petunia’s parents and the other prisoners. I was happy for them, but part of me hated them for surviving. It was wrong. Petunia would not be okay with my train of thought at the moment.

  “I don’t care about the stars,” I told Upton tersely. “They mean nothing.”

  “Well, they mean a lot to me little Mermaid,” Upton said. “Petunia loves the stars in the sky just like she loves ye.”

  “Don’t you mean loved?” I snapped, willing her to come to.

  “Nay, I mean love,” Upton corrected me. “Yolanda? Do ye have the bean salad?”

  What the fuck was happening here? Petunia was dying in front of me and Upton was concerned about bean salad?

  “Upton, with all due respect,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “I don’t give a shit about your bean salad. Unless you know how to wake Petunia up, I’d appreciate some privacy.”

  “Aye, lad,” Upton said with a chuckle. “I believe I do, but yar gonna have to do yer part as well.”

  Was he crazy? Probably, but if the Pirate-Sphinx knew something I didn’t I was all ears.

  “Fine. Tell me what to do.”

  Upton smiled and took a spoonful of the vile-smelling salad from his mate. “Me bean salad has magic in it,” he explained. “It can help bring our girl back. I make it with love.”

  “Then feed it to her,” I insisted, moving out of the way so Upton could do his thing.

  “I will, laddie,” he promised. “But the little swimmin’ hooker will need more than just a magic bean potion. Are ye ready?”

  “Yes,” I said and then paused. “Ready for what?”

  “Petunia has always searched for the star in the sky that ye can see in yar peripheral vision, but then when ye look upon it, it disappears. She told me that everything would be okay if she could just see that star. A star burning bright fer someone it loves is some fine medicine. Stardust doesn’t hurt either.”

  My smile came slowly, but when it landed it was full. That I could do. I was a star. I would be a star until the day I burned out and left this Universe. If my love wanted to see every damned star in the sky, I would make it happen.

  Closing my eyes and calling out to the stars above, I felt my body begin to levitate. I let the heat and the brightness consume me and I laughed as I felt the shimmer and magical sparkle shoot from my now reformed body. Rising high into the sky, I sent love and healing magic back down to the most important woman in my life.

  Looking down on the scene far below, I watched as Upton put the bean salad into Petunia’s mouth. She sat right up, punched him in the head and spit out the rancid concoction. I laughed with joy, sending iridescent silver sparks out into the night sky. They gently rained down on my beautiful Mermaid. She looked up and gasped.

  “Delphinus,” she whispered, pointing at me.

  I twinkled for her and sent down another shower of stardust. Her eyes filled with tears and she reached for me.

  “Come back to me,” Petunia called out. “I don’t want to live without you.”

  “Aye little swimmin’ hooker,” Upton said, putting his arm around her and hugging her tight. “Yer scallywag is alive and well. The dingy dangler just wanted ye to see that star ye’ve been tryin’ to find.”

  “He’s alive?” she asked, still staring at me.

  “Yep,” Upton replied. “He’ll be down shortly.”

  Petunia blew me a kiss. Her smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I’d twinkle for her a little longer to make sure she got her wish. After all, I was a Genie.

  Wishes were my specialty.

  Epilogue

  Petunia

  Six Months Later

  Looking down at my growing belly, I giggled. Life had seemed hopeless for so long and now it was dang near perfect.

  “How are ye feelin’?” Upton asked as he handed me our morning report.

  Business was fantastic. After the news of us taking Charybdis out, we were overrun with lucrative missions. I’d worked in the field for a while, but I was in the office now for a few months. My virile, hot, sexy Genie had knocked me up. Again, life was freakin’ fantastic.

  “Awesome,” I told him. “Starving,” I added.

  “Yolanda made some bean salad if ye be wantin’ some,” he offered.

  “Umm… thanks, but no,” I said, trying not to gag. While I would be forever grateful for the magical healing properties of Upton’s bean salad, I hoped to never have it near my lips again. I could taste that crap for weeks and I’d only had a spoonful.

  “Alrighty then,” Upton said, dancing a little jig around my office in the lodge. “Me and me cackle fruit are all packed and ready to go on our vacation! I want to thank ye for givin’ us such a lovely gift,” he said, bestowing a sweet kiss on my cheek.

  “It’s from Delphinus and me,” I reminded him. “Where did you decide to go?”

  “Disney World!” Yolanda announced with glee, entering the office with a bowl of coconut chunks and pineapple and placing it in front of me. “I’m just so excited.”

  “That sounds great,” I said, giving my furry fake mom a hug.

  I was curious how they would get around Disney World undetected, but I figured they had that covered. All of my parents were getting along grandly. My fake mom and dad had chosen names for themselves so it wouldn’t be confusing. Upton went by PopPop and Yolanda was partial to Hairy Mimi. It was weird and wonderful… and weird.

  “Your mamma and daddy are doing real well,” Yolanda told me in her low melodic voice, tying a napkin around my neck like I was five. “They’ve been thinking about joining us in Disney World.”

  “They have?” I asked, surprised.

  My mom and dad’s healing had been a slow process. Even though they were immortal, they’d been horridly tortured by Charybdis for so long it was taking time. As it turned out, Yolanda was a trained nurse and helped all five that had been captured and held prisoner back to health. Although, she had a very special bond with my mom and dad. It made tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. I cried a lot. Pregnancy hormones could do that to a Mermaid.

  “I love you guys so much,” I blubbered, wiping my nose with my bib. “I just love you. So much. Like so much love.”

  “We love you too, sugar,” Yolanda said with a
smile. “You’re my little sunshine.”

  “Thank you,” I said, shoving the pineapple and coconut into my mouth even though I was still crying. I was also hungry.

  “There you are,” Tallulah said, entering my office and setting a coconut cream pie on my desk.

  “Is that for me?” I inquired, eyeing it with desire and wiping my tears away.

  “Yep,” she said with a laugh. “You eat as much as a lodge full of guests. Thank gods for Mermaid metabolism or you’d be the size of the lodge.”

  I considered zapping her but decided to eat the pie instead. Besides, she was correct. Our grocery bill was completely out of control. My Genie thought it was hilarious that I could eat more than he could. I didn’t think it was funny at all. I’d drop-kicked his laughing ass right out of our hut last night when he’d commented on my adoration of buttery coconut bars.

  I was serious about my desserts.

  “We’re gonna finish packin’,” Upton said. “Yar two little hookers be good lassies.”

  As Upton and Yolanda left the office hand in hand, Tallulah shook her head in defeat. As many times as we’d tried to teach the Pirates not to call us hookers, they just couldn’t seem to do it. In the end we’d decided as long as they used it as an endearment, we wouldn’t remove any appendages.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, wanting to lick the pie tin, but deciding to wait until I was alone. I still had a little bit of pride left.

  “It’s great. Delphinus and Doug just got back from visiting Poseidon.”

  “How’d that go?” I asked, foregoing my pride and licking the tin.

  “Well,” Tallulah said. “Apparently Poseidon’s feelings were hurt because Del gave Doug a wish and enhanced his doink.”

  “Are you shitting me?” I asked with a laugh.

  “I shit you not,” she replied with an eye roll. “Not real clear on what actually went down, but I did hear that when they left Mount Olympus, the diaper-wearing dolt couldn’t sit down due to his new and improved pecker.”

  “Shut up,” I squealed with laughter. “Did Delphinus fix it?”

  “I did not,” the love of my life said, walking into our office and dropping his gorgeous frame down on the couch. “I tried. I offered him another wish to fix his grossly overrated miscalculation of dong size, but the dumbass refused.”

  “On that repulsive note, I’m out,” Tallulah said shaking her head and leaving the office. “Men are idiots.”

  “Are you serious about Poseidon?”

  “Serious as a fart attack,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Umm… you’ve been hanging out with Pirate Doug too much,” I told him.

  “Correct,” Delphinus agreed. “I think I should remedy that by hanging out with only you.”

  “I like that idea,” I said, joining him on the couch and cuddling close. “I’ve thought of some names.”

  “For our baby?” he asked with a shit-eating grin.

  “For our daughter,” I replied and watched as his eyes grow wide.

  “We’re having a little girl?”

  I nodded. “We are. Yolanda’s also a midwife and can tell the sex of the baby just by touching my stomach.”

  “Amazing,” Delphinus whispered, placing his hand on my stomach reverently. “I love our baby so much already. I can’t wait to meet her.”

  “Me too,” I said with a happy sigh.

  “Names?” he asked, rubbing my tummy.

  “Well, I only have one.”

  “Let’s hear it.”

  I smiled and pressed my lips to his. “I want to call her Vega.”

  “That’s one of the brightest stars in the Universe,” Delphinus said, pleased.

  “Yep. This little girl is going to shine,” I told him.

  “If she’s anything like her mom she’ll be the most beautiful thing in existence—part Mermaid, part Genie and part god.”

  “Holy hell and seashells,” I muttered as it all sank in. “That’s a heavy load.”

  “I agree,” my Genie said. “But she has two parents who love her to the stars and back. She’s going to be just fine. Not to mention, my mother will be thrilled with that name. She already has a notebook full of nicknames for her first grandchild.”

  “Oh shit,” I said, giggling. “But it’s all from love.”

  “That it is, my Mermaid. You hungry?” he asked with a lopsided grin.

  “I am,” I said, squinting at him. “But not for food…”

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Delphinus asked, as his Super Bowl famous package perked up.

  “I do believe I am,” I said, removing my bikini top.

  Regularly my knockers were spectacular, but right now they were positively obscene. My Genie loved them. In fact, I was fairly sure he forgot I had eyes since his were glued to my girls.

  “I’m ready when you are,” he said, stripping down so fast I barely saw him move.

  “Lock the door,” I said, tearing off my sarong and making quick work of my thong. “I’d hate to traumatize anyone with our happiness.”

  “Our happiness is ours,” Delphinus said as he locked the door and began to stalk me like prey.

  It was all kinds of perfect—just like him. Oh, he would still get his ass booted every once in a while especially if he gave me crap about buttery coconut bars, but I loved him. Completely. I loved my Genie-god with my entire heart and soul and he loved me with his.

  Ten times.

  Ten freakin’ times.

  For a two-thousand-year-old Genie, he was a dang sex machine.

  Life. Was. Freakin’. Awesome.

  And the best was yet to come.

  THE END… FOR NOW

  Note From The Author

  If you enjoyed reading Petunia’s Pandemonium, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

  * * *

  You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

  Many thanks for your support,

  ~ Robyn Peterman

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  More In This Series

  Sea Shenanigans

  Visit robynpeterman.com for more info!

  Excerpt from: Switching Hour

  This is an excerpt from Book 1 of the

  original Magic and Mayhem series by Robyn Peterman.

  GET YOUR COPY HERE!

  http://www.robynpeterman.com/switching-hour

  Chapter One

  "If you say or do anything that keeps my ass in the magic pokey, I will zap you bald and give you a cold sore that makes you look like you were born with three lips."

  I tried to snatch the scissors from my cell mate's hand, but I might as well have been trying to catch a greased cat.

  "Look at my hair," she hissed, holding up her bangs. "They're touching my nose—my fucking nose, Zelda. I can't be seen like this when I get out. I swear I'll just do it a little."

  "Sandy…" I started.

  "It's Sassy," she hissed.

  I backed up in case she felt the need to punctuate her correction with a left hook. You can pick your friends, your nose and your bust size, but you can't pick your cell mate in the big house.

  "Right. Sorry. Sassy, you have never done anything just a little. What happened the last time you cut your own bangs? Your rap sheet indicates bang cutting is somewhat unhealthy for you."

  She winced and mumbled her shame into her collarbone. "That was years ago. Nobody died and that town was a dump to start with."

  "Fine." I shrugged. "Cut your bangs. What do I care if you look like a dorkus? We're out of here in an hour. After today we'll never see each other again anyway."

  "You know what, Miss High and Mighty?" she shouted, brandishing the shears entirely too close to my head for comfort. "You're in her
e for murder."

  That stopped me dead in my pursuit of saving her from herself. What the hell did I care? Let her cut her bangs up to her hairline and suffer the humiliation of looking five. Maybe I wasn’t completely innocent here, but I was no murderer. It was a fucking accident.

  "You listen to me, Susie, I didn't murder anyone," I snapped.

  "Sassy."

  "Whatever." She was giving me a migraine. Swoozie's selective memory was messing with my need to protect her ass. "Oh my Goddess," I yelled. "I didn't sleep with Baba Yaga's boyfriend—you did."

  "First of all, we didn't sleep. And how in the hell was I supposed to know Mr. Sexy Pants was her boyfriend?"

  "Um, well, let me see… did the fact that he was wearing a Property of Baba Yaga t-shirt not ring any fucking bells?"

  I was so done. I'd been stuck in a cell with Sassy the Destructive Witch for nine months—sawing my own head off with a butter knife had become a plausible option. I was beyond ready to get the hell out.

  "Well, it’s not like the Council put you in here just to keep me company. You ran over your own familiar. On purpose," she accused.

  I watched in horror as she combed her bangs forward in preparation for blast off and willed myself not to give a rat’s ass.

  "I did not run over that mangy bastard cat on purpose. The little shit stepped under my wheel."

  "Three times?" she inquired politely.

  "Yes."

  We glared at each other until we were both biting back grins so hard it hurt. As much as I didn't like her, I was grateful to have had a roomie. It would have sucked to serve time alone. And coming up with different female names that started with the letter S had helped pass the time.