Shelter ~ Jay Crownover

by Crownover, Jay

  Rodie had called to tell me that the sheriff’s office was releasing Alexa’s remains at the beginning of the week. The investigation was ongoing and I was still a suspect, but there was no new information coming from the remains, and the investigation was now more focused on the timeline of events. Her sister had refused to come down from Montana to claim them and there had been no luck tracking down any other immediate family. Alexa’s mom also had a problem hitting the bottle that led to her passing away very young. Her father was a truck driver who had long since disappeared. He’d never been in the picture and had hung up on Rodie when he called to inform him of his child’s passing. The sister agreed to let me claim the remains so I could arrange a service and lay my daughter’s mother to rest in a way that would hopefully bring her some closure and peace. I was fortunate my family had rallied at every turn to make a funeral happen within the week.

  We were all standing in front of the ranch house deciding who was going to ride with whom since we all wouldn’t fit into one single vehicle when I realized Emrys was nowhere to be seen. Every night when Daye finally went to sleep, I found myself standing in front of my old room. She never hesitated to invite me inside, and I spent the late night and early morning hours touching and tasting every inch of her golden skin. My life was a storm of uncertainty and doubt, but when I was with her, none of that mattered. When I was lost in her body and wrapped up in the security of her arms, I felt like nothing could touch me. She offered me the kind of shelter I never knew I needed.

  I looked over at Leo and tilted my head in question as I caught her eye. She had her curly, red hair tamed in a complicated looking knot on the top of her head and her dark dress made her skin look even paler than usual. “Where’s Em?” She hadn’t been at breakfast this morning but I chalked that up to the fact that I hadn’t crawled out of her bed until dawn. Neither one of us had been getting much sleep. We’d been spending a lot of time together in the dark and it never occurred to me to ask if she was coming to the funeral. I just assumed she would be there. I suddenly felt twitchy and irrationally upset with the idea that she might not be.

  Leo blinked at me like I was speaking another language. “Umm . . . I think she was getting ready to take a shower.”

  I felt my eyebrows shoot up as I stroked a hand down Daye’s back. My little girl leaned back and looked at me with wide eyes. “Em isn’t going to come with us? Doesn’t she want to say goodbye to Mommy?”

  Holy shit. I couldn’t figure out a way to answer that without putting my foot in my mouth or unnecessarily upsetting her even more. “I bet she’s just running a little bit behind schedule today. Let me go check on her.” I passed Daye over to Leo and asked her to put my daughter into her booster seat that was strapped in the back of my truck.

  The redhead gave me a narrowed look but snuggled into my daughter, making her squeal. Over the top of Daye’s head, she muttered, “She might not want to go. She’s not looking to step on anyone’s toes.” Anyone being the people in town who were so used to the constant drama between me and Alexa that they didn’t hesitate to believe I’d hurt her. Em was hanging back because she didn’t want to throw any more fuel on the fire. The woman was always looking out for me and as much as I appreciated it, it also grated that she was once again opting for the easy route to spare me even more gossip.

  I took the stairs to the landing two at a time up to my old room. I didn’t bother knocking, partly because I was working my way to pissed off, but mostly because she didn’t have anything to hide from me anymore. I could close my eyes and picture her naked body as clear as day. She was imprinted on my memory and etched inside every thought that made me happy.

  She was sitting in my favorite chair with her phone in her hand. Her eyes bugged wide when I strode into the room and surprise was stamped clearly on her face. She let the phone drop as I stalked to where she was sitting. I caught her empty hand in mine and tugged her to her feet. She was already wearing a pair of tight, black pants so all she needed to add was a dressier shirt and she would be good to go. The woman didn’t need to do anything with her face or her hair as far as I was concerned. She was already a knockout and a funeral for someone she hardly knew didn’t require all the stops anyway.

  “You’re coming with us.” I crossed my arms over my chest and inclined my chin toward the suitcase she had open on the floor. “Get dressed.”

  She cocked her head to the side and looked at me for a long second without saying anything. Slowly, she started to shake her head no. Her arms lifted and crossed so that she was copying my exact, combative pose. “I’m not going. There’s no reason for me to be there. But you should hurry. You don’t want to be late.” Because if I walked in late to my ex’s funeral, that would give people even more reason to talk.

  I ground my teeth together and glowered at her. “Daye doesn’t understand why everyone else is going but you.” It was manipulative to throw my daughter into the mix but I was desperate. The idea of sitting through the service, of watching everyone pretend that Alexa had been a valued member of the community and that she would be missed was making me itchy on the inside. I knew people were coming just so they could gauge and judge my reactions. I was barely maintaining a front of civility. If she wasn’t there to soothe and soften the roughness of the world around me, I might break.

  Emrys sighed and moved to go sit back down, but I stopped her with a hand on her elbow. “Explain to her that I didn’t really know her mom. Tell her that funerals are for friends and family and I wasn’t either of those things to Alexa.”

  I growled low in my throat. It was really sad that only a handful of the people who were going to be filling the church fell into those categories. Everyone else was nothing more than greedy bystanders. Daye didn’t need to see that. I was trying to make this memory as painless as possible for her. She deserved to say goodbye to her mother surrounded by love and compassion.

  I used my hold on her arm to pull her against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and dropped my chin on the top of her head. I sighed into her hair and felt some of the tension in my body lessen when her arms wrapped around my waist to return the hug. “You might not have been those things to Alexa, but you are to the rest of us. You’re Leo’s family, and by extension Cy’s. You’re friends with Brynn and Lane, and it’s clear my daughter has a soft spot for you.” I rested my cheek on the top of her head and told her, “I can’t quite figure out what you are to me, Em. Something more than a friend, something different than my family. I know that today will go a lot better for me if you agree to come with me. I get that it’s easier for you to stay away, but I’m asking you not to. I’m asking you to help me get through something that’s going to be really fucking hard. Please, come with me.”

  I felt her arms tighten where she was holding me and then her hands smoothed along my lower back. I realized she would have gone from the start, but she needed to be asked. She needed to know she had her place.

  She didn’t speak for a long moment but when she did it was to kick me out of the room so she could find something appropriate to wear. She told me to give her ten minutes to change and fix her hair. I couldn’t resist giving her a kiss that was full of gratitude and promises of how I would repay her later. When I was done with her mouth, she only had six minutes left and she was wearing an adorable scowl.

  I told the rest of the family to go on without me, blatantly ignoring the quizzical looks when I told everyone I was waiting on Emrys. Now wasn’t the time to get into our complicated dynamic, and I couldn’t give answers that I didn’t have. I wasn’t sure what was going on between the two of us; all I knew was that she made me feel steadier than I had in a very long time. It was nice not to feel like every step I took would throw me off course and send me spinning in a direction I didn’t want to go.

  I let Daye play with my phone while we waited and tried to keep her spirits up as best as I could. The little girl had been born in the high country. She’d grown up on a ranch and had
been around the struggles of life and death when it came to animals from the get-go. She’d seen calves not make it and other livestock fall victim to the harsh weather conditions that hit Wyoming. She understood that when something died it was never coming back, but currently she had all kinds of questions about where her mother had gone now that she was no longer of this Earth. I’d never been particularly religious, none of the Warners were, but I wished I’d paid better attention during Christmas mass so I could give Daye something divine and profound to hold onto.

  When Emrys came out of the house, we both stopped talking to look at her. She’d put on a narrow black skirt that hit her below her knees. The waist was high and there was a row of shiny silver buttons that ran the length of it. She’d tucked a smoky gray top into it, leaving the collar open so the marks on her chest were visible. She looked better in five minutes than most women did after an hour of getting ready, and she was no longer trying to cover up the regret that clung to both of us. Her hair was twisted in some kind of complicated design across her brow and the rest hung loose and straight down her back. She looked sophisticated and composed for having to throw together an outfit at the last minute, but I could see by the wild light in her amber eyes that she wasn’t feeling either of those things.

  “You look amazing.” The words were gruff with honesty and admiration.

  I helped her up into my truck where she immediately turned around in her seat and told Daye she liked her bow. The little girl beamed at the compliment, and some of the heavy sadness that had been weighing her down lifted temporarily. Emrys kept up a steady flow of conversation on the way to town. She asked Daye about school and assured her things would calm down when she went back to ballet class. She told her girls were emotional creatures and if anyone could understand why she lashed out and was hurt so deeply by what that other little girl said, it was other girls. She encouraged Daye to apologize to the little girl she pushed, but told her there was nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and the people you loved. She mentioned using her words instead of her hands to get her point across, which Daye begrudgingly agreed to. I could practically feel my little girl’s relief when Emrys promised her everything would blow over, and it made me want to kiss Emrys all over again. She really was amazing when it came to fixing everyone else’s problems.

  As we got closer to town and the church, I didn’t even notice my hands tightening on the steering wheel. My entire body locked up and my muscles felt like they were turning to stone. I didn’t realize that I was holding my breath until Emrys’s hand landed on my thigh and I heard her softly say, “breathe, cowboy.”

  I sucked a lungful of air in and ordered myself to pull it together. This wasn’t about me. I was doing this for Daye and for the woman whom I’d loved for a significant portion of my life. The way things had ended between me and Alexa was ugly. The way I sent her off for good didn’t have to be. I guess I deserved a proper farewell just as much as our daughter did.

  My family was waiting at the front of the church for us. I could hear organ music floating from inside and the sound of low voices talking. I was already holding Daye in my arms and asked her if she wanted to walk in on her own. My little girl was a tough cookie but I wasn’t about to let her go if she didn’t want me to. After a minute or so she asked me to set her on her feet. She put one of her little hands in mine and reached for Cy with the other. That was how we walked in to pay our last respects to the woman who had taken so much from me, but also given me everything I’d ever wanted. Lane flanked my free side and the women followed silently behind us. We weren’t simply a family walking into a difficult situation together, we were a battalion ready to go to war if that’s what these small-minded people wanted to bring to our door. There was no question that my family supported and stood by me. They were making a clear statement that anyone who dared question my involvement with what had happened to Alexa was the enemy.

  When we got to the front of the church and shuffled to sit down, I didn’t miss the way Leo practically shoved Emrys into the pew before her so that she had no choice but to sit next to me. I wrapped my arm around Daye’s shoulders as she leaned heavily into my side, and I gave Lane a tired grin when he reached out to grasp the little girl’s fisted hand. Without thinking about why I did it, I reached for Emrys’s hand in the same way. I laced her thin fingers through mine and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. Touching her made me feel like my chest was no longer caving in. I could focus on breathing and fighting back the hot pressure that was burning against the back of my eyes.

  Leo made a noise in her throat and I saw her looking at our joined hands with sharp eyes. Emrys made a move like she was going to pull away but I stilled her with a pleading look. She sighed lightly and gave Leo a shrug. Luckily, Cy picked up on all the unspoken tension and did his best to distract his woman as the preacher began the service.

  There hadn’t been enough of Alexa left to justify putting her in the ground. Instead, I’d opted to have her cremated so Daye and I could spread her ashes somewhere under the wide-open Wyoming sky. On the altar was the fancy urn I’d had Leo help me pick out and several pictures of Alexa that showed her in her best light. Most of them were from when we first started dating and she looked young and carefree. There were a few that showed her when she was pregnant with Daye and several of her with Daye as a baby. They were the good memories, the ones I fought so hard to remember because there were so many more bad ones. Those pictures showed the woman I wanted my daughter to remember, not the one who’d left her alone and risked her life.

  There was all the typical funeral pandering, the gone but not forgotten spiel. Daye started crying at one point, sniffling quietly beside me. Leo and Brynn also had watery eyes they were dabbing with Kleenex, and I could hear Lane clearing his throat every so often. Cy was stoic and as stern, as always. There was a tick in his jaw that let me know he wasn’t as unaffected as he pretended to be. I was torn between wanting to cry as openly as my daughter and standing up and screaming at the injustice of it all.

  Eventually, the preacher asked if anyone wanted to say a few words. I balked as nearly every head in the church swiveled to look directly at me. I’d been so busy feeling guilty and angry over the way Alexa had left this world that I hadn’t considered taking the time to show my appreciation for what she’d given me while she was still alive. It was the same old story. I got lost in all the wrong and let the right slide right past me.

  Thankfully, Lane could talk about anything to anyone and didn’t hesitate to get up in front of that church full of people and tell a story about the first time I’d tried to teach Alexa how to ride a horse. It had gone horribly wrong and resulted in me having a black eye and Alexa ending up with some serious rope burn. He made everyone laugh, which was desperately needed, and opened the door for a couple of Alexa’s coworkers to get up and share stories. The truth was, my ex wasn’t a bad person. She was simply a woman with demons that had gotten the best of her. She succumbed to bad choices and risky decisions just like the rest of us. Things didn’t work out for her the way she wanted them to and instead of fighting, she gave up.

  I was surprised when Burke got up to speak. The bartender looked morose and surprisingly haggard. Alexa had been one of his best customers and they spent a lot of time together, but I didn’t realize he’d had a soft spot for her. The man had seen both of us at our worst, and yet he still managed to find something good to say about Alexa.

  “I remembered her from when we were in school together. She was a few years younger than me, but the first time she came into the bar I thought she looked like she’d lived so much more life than I have. She seemed wise beyond her years.” He shook his head, hands tightening on the lectern he was leaning against. “When you serve people drinks you want them to open up to you and tell you their secrets so they’ll stick around, and so they’ll keep coming back. You want them to be your friend. When it came to Alexa, it was the opposite. I wanted to be her friend. She seemed like she desperate
ly needed one.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and squeezed Daye a little closer.

  Burke cleared his throat and shifted his gaze to the urn and then back to the silent group of people watching him. “We all know the poor girl had some issues, but who in here doesn’t? The last place she should have been looking for solace was in a bar. I’m going to miss her smile and I’m going to miss her laugh. I’m going to miss her brushing me off when I told her she didn’t need another drink. I don’t think she ever got the chance to show people who she really was, because everyone already thought they had her figured out. And now she’ll never get that shot. It’s a damn shame.”

  Properly chastised, everyone remained silent as Burke’s words set in. They were here for a spectacle and a show, but there was a very real woman in the urn on the altar who no longer had the opportunity to turn her life around and do right by her daughter. There were people who would miss having Alexa around, and belatedly, I realized I was one of them. Heaving a sigh, I leaned over so I could kiss Daye on her head and gave Emrys’s hand a squeeze before climbing to my feet. My family watched as I made my way out of the pew, Cy dropping a reassuring pat on my back as I went.