by A. J. Pryor
“Want to watch a movie?” I asked.
“No. I want to talk about Roan.”
I was silent. There was no need for Casey to get in the middle.
“Jess, I want you both sitting with me on Saturday night. Is it gonna be weird between you two?”
I drew in a deep breath and promised her, “No, Case, it’ll be fine. I’ll call him when you leave so that he knows I’m trying to make an effort.”
We were silent a while.
“Roan loves you, Jess,” Casey said. “He’d do anything to prove that to you.”
“I know that, Case, but you didn’t see what was on that video.”
“But, Jess, he never loved that girl.”
I had nothing to say to that. I’d replayed that video over numerous times in my mind. I couldn’t reconcile the man in that recording with the man I loved. They were not the same person. He’d never treated me the way he had that woman, excusing himself the moment our lovemaking was over. Did he always lie to women and tell them he loved them? Would I wake up one morning to find Roan slapping my rear and calling me ‘Babe’? And why did that woman still think there was something between them? It was all so confusing and the only person who could make any sense of it I currently was not speaking to. I guess it was time to change that.
Casey finally made it out of my bed around two in the afternoon. After devouring a large cheese pizza, she was starting to feel better.
“I’m never going to fit into my wedding dress after that greasy thing,” she said, tossing the box in the trash.
I rolled my eyes at her. “You’ll look beautiful. Go home and have a few orgasms. I heard they take away hangover pain.”
She looked at me like that was exactly what she was going to do.
When she left, I closed the door and picked up the phone to call Roan. I had to get us back on speaking terms.
“Goldilocks?” he asked, clearly shocked to hear from me.
I let out a huge breath before I spoke. “Hi, Roan. Is this an okay time to talk?”
“Of course. I was actually thinking of calling you today too. I’m in Westwood hanging with Blake. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be right over.”
“Oh, okay.” I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but hearing that he was planning on reaching out to me as well relaxed my nerves slightly. I hung up and waited for my doorbell to ring.
Soon, he was standing in my open doorway, his arm resting on the frame above, his blonde hair was falling down around his ears, and his blue eyes locked onto mine. His shirt was hiked up, exposing his toned stomach and the happy trail that led down into the waistband of his pants. Being hung over, my guard was down, and I couldn’t help but scan his body from his face all the way south where that trail disappeared. He knew I was looking at him.
I shook my head out of my trance and stepped back, motioning that he should come in. He strode toward me, looking around.
I lived on a tree-lined street in the heart of Beverly Hills. My house was Spanish style from the outside, but the inside had a modern flare with southern accent pieces throughout. It had a comfy feel to it, with terra-cotta flooring and wood beams across the ceiling. It wasn’t a large house, but it worked for me because it brought together the life I had made for myself here while still holding onto my past. Looking over at Roan, I realized that people carried their history – including their mistakes – along with them. Our lives were defined by the choices we made, whether right or wrong.
He stood in my living room, taking everything in, not looking in my direction. Jeans hung off his hips and a black T-shirt hugged his chest. After looking around at his surroundings, he turned to me, scanned from my face down my body, and landed at my feet. I was a sight to behold: hung over, unshowered, and still in my sweats. My hair was piled on top of my head in a messy bun, and I was wearing absolutely no makeup.
“Hard night?” he asked, his voice deep and husky, his eyes lustfully taking me all in.
Only Roan could make my disheveled look feel sexy. “Yes. I had to make sure Casey’s last weekend as a bachelorette was memorable. Considering she spent the better part of this morning with her head in my toilet, I’m sure she won’t forget it anytime soon.”
His smile deepened. “I’m sure Mason will take care of her.”
I turned and walked farther into my house. “Yes. I’m sure he will. Would you like something to drink or eat?” I asked, trying to bring us together on some neutral ground.
“Water would be great. Do you have any new recipes for me to try?” He was tentative.
I searched my brain to see if I had something in the fridge. I had brownies made with pomegranate juice and pecans.
Placing a large piece with vanilla ice cream in front of him, I then poured him a glass of milk. “In my opinion it’s hard to eat brownies without milk.”
He took a bite. His eyes got wide once he tasted the flavor of the chocolate and pomegranate. “This is delicious, Locks!”
“Thank you. It’s one of my favorites.”
“Grab a fork and share it with me.”
I shook my head. “Case and I just polished off a pizza. I can’t eat another bite until tomorrow.”
He nodded. “Tomorrow . . . that’s what we need to talk about.” He put his fork down and looked at me. “Tomorrow is Monday.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t get smart, Locks. Hear me out. I know you haven’t been back in the water. Let me take you surfing tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a great day, with surf that you should be able to ride. I promise I won’t touch you, but you worked so hard, and I’d hate to see you stop because I screwed us up so bad.”
I don’t know if it was the hangover or the fact that Roan was sitting in my kitchen or that I wanted him so badly, but I started to cry. The tears cascaded down my cheeks and flowed off my chin.
Roan jumped out of his seat and knelt down beside me, using his thumbs to wipe the tears off my cheeks. “Talk to me, Jess.”
“I’m so confused,” I said, shaking.
He stood and lifted me up in his arms moving us over to the couch. We lay together silently, nestled in the comfort that was us. Being surrounded by his warm embrace, my body felt at ease for the first time in a long while and I knew – I had to give him another chance.
hen I showed up on Jessica’s doorstep, I expected her to break things off with me for good. I certainly didn’t think I would end up on her couch, cradling her in my arms. She fell asleep, her back against my chest, as I planted soft kisses behind her neck. I still had no idea why she’d called me. She never said, and I wasn’t sure it mattered. I would hold her for months if that’s what it would take to get her to believe in me again. I was in this for the long haul.
I dozed off. When I opened my eyes, the sun was setting. I felt Jess stir, and I tightened my grip, letting her know I was still there. My left arm had fallen asleep, but I didn’t mind. The blood flow would return at some point. She lifted her hands to her face, rubbed at her eyes, and then relaxed farther back into me.
“I need to take a shower,” she said so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her.
“I’m not leaving, Goldilocks. Go ahead, but I’ll be here when you get out. We need to talk.”
She sighed and got up off the couch. My arms, which had been so warm, were suddenly cold and empty. I felt the urge to reach for her and grab her back to me, but I had to let her go - this one last time.
I heard the shower turn on, and the desire to join her flowed through me. Using every ounce of willpower I had to stay away from her naked body, I made my way into the kitchen and picked up the dishes we’d left earlier. I looked at the remaining brownie and melted ice cream on my plate. One thing I knew for sure: her cookbook was going to be a success. I’d never tasted anything of hers that was less than spectacular.
I opened her fridge to see what she had to drink. I found some homegrown beer I’d never heard of, popped the cap, and then poured it into a glass. It was darker than I’d
expected. Jessica walked out as I was going to take my first sip. The glass stopped on my lips as I took in the view of her.
She was wearing black yoga pants that hugged her in all the right places and a ribbed tank top showing off a lace bra that held her small but perky breasts. Her hair was wet and wild, and my fingers were begging to touch her silky skin. I needed to readjust myself, but it would be too obvious. So I stood there, staring at her with the glass resting on my lips and my cock pressing firmly against the denim of my jeans.
She smiled at me when she saw what I had in my hands. “Oh, you found the beer. My uncle brews his own, and he shipped that to me. Do you like it?”
I looked down at the forgotten glass in my hand and tilted it into my mouth. I couldn’t focus on the taste with her standing there looking like that. “Yeah, it’s not bad. You haven’t tried it yet?”
“No, I’m not much of a beer drinker.”
I tipped the glass in her direction, offering her a sip. She walked closer and took it from my hand, our fingers brushing against each other. I felt a spark of electricity enter my body. She smelled the contents and then took a sip, her nose scrunching up as the bitter taste hit her tongue.
“Wow, you men are all the same. You think that’s not bad?”
I pulled the glass from her hand and placed it down on the counter then grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to me.
“No, Jessica. We are definitely not all the same.” I drew her in close, wanting to kiss her sweet lips but knowing that would be asking too much. Instead, I kept her locked in my arms, her wet hair making my shirt damp and her arms slowly lifting to embrace me back. It was the first time in a month she’d put her arms around me and my body flooded with relief.
“I’ll do anything, Locks. Anything. Even if it means hanging out with you as a friend. But this silent treatment is killing me.”
“Roan.”
“I did not love that woman. Ever. Let me love you, Locks. Let me try. I know I can. I’ll do a better job. Please, just let me try.”
She pulled away and looked up into my eyes—a silent plea. I stared down at her, gazing from her eyes to her cheeks and down to her pink lips, which had parted in anticipation of a kiss.
“Goldilocks, if you say yes, there’s no going back this time. This thing between us, it’s too deep, we’re connected in so many ways.”
Ever so slightly, she nodded. I needed to hear her say those three letters. This minimal consent wasn’t enough for me. I continued to stare into her eyes, not moving a muscle and praying she wouldn’t change her mind.
Softly she finally whispered, “Yes.”
I lowered my head and grabbed her bottom lip between my teeth, exhaling the relief I felt into her open mouth. She moaned and grabbed me tighter around the neck, bringing me in deeper. Time slowed down, as we stood in her kitchen slowly tasting each other. I crushed her to my chest, deepening the kiss I’d been craving for weeks.
Slipping my tongue through her lips, I entered her warm mouth. I couldn’t help but groan from the back of my throat. The desire to lay her on the floor and rip all her clothes off, lick my tongue down her body and between her legs coursed through me. It was taking an incredible amount of self-control to stand there and hold her in my arms.
I ran my hands down her back, grabbed onto her ass, and pulled her in tight. I wished I’d worn something other than jeans; my cock was straining so hard against the zipper, needing release. I wanted to unbutton them and ease the growing pressure, but didn’t want to scare her away.
“Locks, you are so sweet. I need you,” I whispered in her mouth. “Please, let me love you.” I cupped her face with my hands and kissed her as hard and as desperately as I could. She needed to know how I ached for her touch.
Jess didn’t say a word, her soft moans were my answer. When her hands moved under my T-shirt, my legs began to buckle. Her hands reached up to my shoulders, hiking up my shirt so I took it off giving her access to any part of me she wanted.
“Roan,” she whispered.
I moved my lips over to her ear. “What is it, Locks? Do you want me to stop?”
“Roan. Please make the sight of that video go away.”
Ah, crap. I had to get her mind somewhere else. I pulled her earlobe into my lips and gently teased her with my teeth. Her head fell back, giving me easier access to her neck, and I kissed all the way down to her collarbone and around to the other ear. My fingers brushed against the side of her breast. I moved my thumb higher and flicked her nipple, eliciting a moan that made me thrust my hips into hers.
I pulled back, not wanting to push this any further. We couldn’t move forward without her knowing what part Luana had played in my life. Her palms ran over the planes of my stomach muscles and up my chest, resting on my shoulders.
I sucked in a deep breath and started talking. “I need you to know who that girl is before we take this further, Jess.”
She nodded and pulled me to a chair. I sat and tugged her down on my lap. “I know, and I’m finally ready to hear about her.”
I held onto her hips as she straddled me. Her dark eyes looking straight into mine. “Five years ago, I lived in Fiji for several months. That’s when I met Luana and we hung out a lot. I guess you could have called her my girlfriend, although we never labeled it, and I knew it was a temporary situation. I was eventually going to come back to the states and I had no intention of keeping up our relationship past the island of Fiji.” I stopped talking and stared right in her eyes. “She liked it rough, needed to be controlled in the bedroom and I had never had a relationship like that before, so I gave it a shot. For three months, she and I did exactly what you saw on that video, night after night.”
Jess’s eyes closed and she inhaled a shaky breath. “Do you like it that way too, Roan? Do you need that?”
I shook my head. “No, that was solely for her pleasure, it’s what she needed. I was twenty-five trying to experience everything I could. Was it exciting? Yes. Did I have fun while I was doing it? Yes. But is it something I crave or need or have ever done with another woman? Absolutely not.”
Jessica’s shoulders relaxed and she absentmindedly traced circles on my stomach with her finger. “But you loved her, so you gave her what she needed.”
“I never loved her, Jess. I’ve only ever loved you. The night before I was moving back home she told me she loved me, but I didn’t love her back . . . so I said nothing. She asked for our last night to be special.”
Pausing to get my thoughts in order, I tucked a loose strand of Jessica’s hair behind her ear. “As you saw, I said those three words. She’d asked for special and those words slipped out. At the time, it was all I could think to give her, knowing in my mind they were only words and I would be gone the next day.
“If I had any clue what love was, I never would have led her to believe that I loved her too, because I now know what it feels like to lose someone you love so deeply. All this time, I thought she was a mad woman, but I can finally understand the depth someone will go when their heart is broken.”
A tear ran down her cheek and I swiped it away. “She was so broken, Roan. What if that becomes me? I don’t want that to be me.”
“Jessica,” my voice cracked as her name rolled off my tongue. “That could never be you. I have loved you since the day I met you and I will love you until the day I die. That will never be you.”
Sniffing away another tear, she gently nodded letting me know she heard me. “Did you always film each other? Are more of those videos going to pop up?”
“I had no idea she was filming us. That doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not that stupid – or at least I thought I wasn’t. My guess is that’s the only video she has, but I honestly have no clue.”
“So what happened next?”
“I left the next day and went on with my life. At least I tried to.”
I leaned in and gently kissed her, needing more of a connection before I went further with my story. “About a month after
I returned home, she showed up on my doorstep. I had a girl with me, and Luana completely flipped out—screaming, accusing me of killing her, saying she was going to hurt herself. She was ballistic. I sent the girl away and brought Luana inside, calmed her down, and let her spend the night.”
Jessica raised her eyes at me and I lowered mine, ashamed. “Yeah, I had sex with her that night. I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen anyone go so insane before. She was out of control and it was the only way I could think of to get her mind back in order, to dominate her. I realized immediately after that it was the worst decision of my life. She loved me and needed me to love her back, something that was never going to happen. Once she fell asleep, I went online and booked her a flight back home. I left the ticket and a note explaining I was going out of town for business and I packed my bags and left. I stayed at Mason’s for a few nights and when I felt it was safe to return I went back to my apartment. Her bags were still there and so was she, asleep, naked, and in bed. With Grant Ryan.”
Jessica’s eyes grew huge and she covered her mouth with her hand. “No wonder you hate that guy. Of all the surf instructors I could have picked I can’t believe I chose him!”
“It’s okay, you couldn’t have known, but Jess, that’s not even half of it—I was happy she’d taken Grant to bed. I wish she had chosen somewhere else to take him, but in my mind, I thought maybe she was moving on. I told them both to get the hell out of my place, washed my bedding, and breathed a sigh of relief that she was gone.” I took a sip of water and made myself tell Jess the rest.
“She never left though. For three weeks, she showed up everywhere: the beach, my office, my house. She called hourly, mailed me photos she had taken of the two of us. A few times, I found her asleep outside my front door. When those attempts didn’t work to get my attention, she started sleeping with clients of mine, friends, co-workers. She literally worked her way through Venice Beach on her back, and I chose to ignore her the entire time. I kept my life the same, bringing girl after girl back to my place, life stayed status quo for me, as I tried my best to forget there was a raging lunatic who was trying her hardest to get me to notice her.”