by A. J. Pryor
I understood what Bill said and knew in my heart he was right, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear any explanations from Roan—not yet anyway.
“Thanks for listening, Bill. I really appreciate it.” I hugged him and got up to go.
“Jess, it’s never easy to love someone. What’s easy is giving up. Don’t take the easy way. It makes life boring,” he said with a wink.
My chat with Bill made me late for all my other errands. I needed a wetsuit for my Monday morning lesson and, looking at my watch, the shop in Venice that Grant recommended closed in a few hours. Hopefully I would make it there in time.
It was almost five in the evening when I pulled up in front of The Shop in Venice—a hole in the wall, but Grant said it was the best, and I’d heard Roan talk about it a few times too. There were surfboards of all different sizes lining the walls and clothes and flip-flops for sale. A salesman was picking out a few wetsuits for me to try on, when I heard his voice.
“Johnny, how’s it going?”
I knew it was Roan without having to look up. Not wanting him to see me, but not being able to leave with him blocking the exit, I made my way to the back of the store and tried to hide behind the racks of clothes.
“Corey’s helping a client,” the other guy said to Roan. “He’ll be out in a few. I know he wants to talk to you about rentals for that contest in a few months.”
Shoot. Corey was the person helping me. Maybe I could slip into one of the dressing rooms until Roan left. I walked toward them quickly, hoping I could make it without him noticing me. I slid the curtain on a dressing room slowly to the side, trying not to make a sound.
“Goldilocks?”
My heart froze and then quickened, pounding loudly in my ears. I’d known I would have to face him at some point, but this was not how I envisioned it. Turning slowly in his direction, the solemn look on my face let him know I wasn’t very happy to see him.
“Yes?” I stared him in the eyes, daring him to say another word.
He walked toward me, his eyes never leaving mine. “What are you doing here?”
My breath caught and my heart cracked. Not having seen him in almost two weeks I had forgotten what the sight of him did to me. How he had some sort of magnetic pull that drew me in. I inhaled a big breath, knowing I needed to be as confident as possible.
“I’m buying a wetsuit for my lesson next week.”
When he stepped closer to me, I got a decent look at him. His eyes had a bluish tinge underneath and he was thinner than the last time I’d seen him. Cocking his head to the side, he asked, “Who’s your lesson with?” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear him.
“Grant Ryan.”
Roan flinched, reached his hand out to touch me, and then reconsidered when he saw the look on my face. The tension choked me.
Corey broke through by saying, “Here you are! I brought you three different brands.” He realized Roan was there too. “Hey, Roan, give me a minute and I’ll help with those rentals.”
He patted Roan on the shoulder and then turned to me. Roan’s eyes never left mine as Corey talked about the different brands and features of each suit. I didn’t keep my emotions from my face or eyes. I let Roan see the pain he had caused, and then I let him see that I was done with him—that my heart was closed off to him.
I turned in Corey’s direction, snatched all three suits out of his hands, and walked to the cash register. I would just buy them all. I had to get out of there.
“Don’t you want to try them on?” Corey called behind me.
I didn’t answer, just waited nervously as the cashier ran my credit card, then walked to the parking lot.
Roan approached as I unlocked my car door. “Jessica, can we go somewhere and talk?”
“I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything to talk to you about, Roan.” My hand was on the door handle, and my back was to him. He moved closer, and his breath was suddenly in my ear.
“Jessica, I did not touch that girl.”
My insides clenched at just the thought.
A tear made its way down my cheek. “I know that, Roan.” His body was right behind me, the heat of him sinking into my back. I slowly turned around and faced him. “I’ve seen you with other women, Roan. Plenty of them. However, I’ve never had the privilege of actually seeing you with them. I had no idea how heartless you could be. It makes me sick.”
I turned back around and opened the car door. He reached forward, shut it, and then wrapped his arms around me. His nose was in my hair, his breath warm on my skin.
“You’re right,” he said. “If I saw a video of you like that, I’d go crazy. But I’d give you the chance to explain yourself. I wouldn’t let it ruin us. Don’t do this, Jess. Don’t let some jealous girl end us before we have a chance to begin. Let me tell you what I should have told you weeks ago.” There it was. Roan had been hiding something from me. The missing piece to this story, more than just a crazy sex video. This girl knew something about Roan that I didn’t. They shared some sort of secret that only Mason knew about. Roan had plenty of chances to tell me this story. How many times had we stayed up late discussing our life? He could have told me then. Now, it might be too late.
“Roan, you loved a woman in a very different kind of way. You possessed her and then threw her to the side.” I paused and looked to the sky then turned to face him. “Were you gonna do that to me too? I’m sorry, I can’t take that risk.”
His shoulders sagged. “I never loved her, Jessica. I was going to tell you about her in Aspen. I was going to tell you everything.”
“But you didn’t.”
He inched closer. “Please, Jessica, let me tell you now.” Reaching his hand up he placed his palm against my cheek, his eyes begging me to stay and listen.
A part of me wanted to hear his side of it; instead, I closed him out, “Roan, let me go.”
“I can’t,” he pleaded.
The pain in his voice crushed me, and I felt my heart split further apart.
“Please don’t leave,” he continued.
He tucked my hair behind my ear and stepped closer as he cupped my face between his two hands. His lips brushed against mine, and he pulled me to him. “Please,” he whispered against my lips.
Tears made their way down my cheeks and onto our joined mouths. I tasted the salt of my tears as he gently parted my lips, kissing me slowly. Breaking away, I looked at him. His eyes were haunted, scared of what I was going to say.
“I need time, Roan,” I said, and pushed him away.
wasn’t prepared to bump into Jessica at the shop, was completely taken off guard when she told me she’d moved on and was now taking lessons from Grant-fucking-Ryan. And I was crushed when Jess looked at me like I’d destroyed her.
She had disappeared shortly before Thanksgiving. I was frantic until Jaxon found her in Sun Valley. When he offered to go after her, I knew I had to let him. If that’s what it took to bring her back, then the risk was worth it.
Mason told me that Jaxon was back in town, but that he wasn’t talking. I was going nuts wondering what had transpired between them.
Seeing Jess at The Shop confirmed that she wanted nothing to do with me. I knew which days Grant held his surf lessons. He always met his girls in the morning, so he could choose who to bed that night—or day. If he thought he could have Jess alone on the beach, he had another thing coming. My ass would be camped out daily until I figured out when he was meeting her.
I had a shitload of work to do with snowboarders ramping up for the winter season, surfers to enroll in competitions around the world, and skateboarders getting ready for the X Games. My clients became my friends; they relied upon me. I couldn’t let them down. But my mind was too spun to concentrate.
At six-thirty on Monday morning, I made my way to the beach. I had spent Sunday catching up with Blake. He knew I was hurting and did what he could to support me, but nothing would right itself until I could get Jess back by my side. By the time I’d m
ade it home, I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. The broken look on Jessica’s face played on repeat through my mind. She laid all her feelings out for me in those amazing blue eyes of hers, and what I saw crushed me.
I lay in bed all night, figuring out what I was going to say to her, how I would get her to talk to me and at least let me teach her to surf so I could take her away from Grant. I didn’t want his hands anywhere near her. Even as I headed to the beach, I didn’t have a plan or a clue in the world how I was going to do this. Maybe if I showed up everywhere she was, she’d eventually cave.
Pulling into the parking lot, I got out of my car, took in a large breath of cool ocean air, and stretched my arms above my head. My stomach was in knots, and my heart was beating fast. Grant’s truck was parked in the corner. He had a lesson today. I could only hope it was with Jessica.
I got back in my car and kept an eye on the entrance of the parking lot. Jessica’s white BMW pulled in.
She parked at the other end of the lot and slowly got out of her car. Blonde hair fell down around her shoulders and the blue sweatpants covering her long legs matched the hoodie that was zipped up as far as it would go. She walked to the back of the car and pulled the wet-suits she’d bought out of her trunk. Fatigue washed over her face and she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. I figured this was as good a time as any to approach her. Occupied with other thoughts, she had no clue I’d been watching her.
I opened my door, got out, and then stood still and observed her walk in the direction of the ocean. Taking a deep breath, I moved toward her. She still hadn’t seen me, and was clearly working on autopilot. I was going to have to talk to her about that. It wasn’t safe for her to be so clueless about her surroundings.
“Jessica.”
She turned at the sound of her name, a surprised look on her face. Standing still, her feet planted to the ground, her eyes followed me, as I continued to walk in her direction. Shaking her head to clear her mind, she put a hand out not wanting me to come any closer.
“Roan, I’m already late. Can this wait?”
Ignoring her hand gesture, I continued in her direction, my breath heavy and my mind set that I would tell her everything. She was achingly beautiful, with her hair softly blowing in the ocean breeze.
“No, I’m sorry. This can’t wait.”
She looked surprised by my forthrightness. I was usually so laid back.
After what felt like an eternity, we were finally face-to-face. I wanted to sweep her up in my arms and kiss her, taste her sweet mouth, and bring her home with me.
Standing in front of her silent and still, and formulating in my head what I needed to say so I didn’t screw this up any further, my heart was slamming in my chest.
“Roan, I told you I’m late. I don’t have time to watch you stand there and stare at me.” She turned decidedly to walk away, but I couldn’t let her go.
I grabbed her arm and stopped her. “You knew about my past.”
“Yes, and now I know the graphic details too.” she responded curtly, pulling out of my grasp and continuing away.
“You said we’d figure this out together.”
I saw emotion in her eyes and couldn’t tell what she was feeling. “I need some time, Roan, please.” She turned and strode away.
This wasn’t ideal, but it was something. I walked over to the top of the hill leading down the beach and watched her greet Grant with what appeared to be an apology.
Even from this distance, I could sense the predatory manner in which he assessed her. She was a vulnerable, beautiful girl. He wanted her. Hell, of course, he wanted her—she was perfect. I was going to make sure he never got that opportunity, even if it meant sitting on top of this sand dune every fucking morning, to ensure he didn’t touch her.
She took her sweats off. Underneath was that hot-pink bikini—the same one she first lost bodysurfing with me. I groaned at the memory and my pants tightened in response.
Grant looked over the wetsuits she’d purchased and chose one. As he helped her into it, I had to refrain myself from launching down the hill enviously. But Jess wasn’t smiling, so maybe she wasn’t charmed by this guy like the other girls. She stood apart from him, wholly absorbed by his instruction; that girl was determined to learn how to surf, and she would do it with or without me.
They made their way into the water. The whitecaps informed me the surf was rough today. Grant was an experienced surfer; still, I prayed he wouldn’t take any unnecessary chances with her.
Twenty minutes later, she was off, chasing a wave I would have told her to take. It was the perfect size for her. I watched as she grabbed the sides of the board, and then she was standing. My heart swelled with pride. She was riding the Pacific Ocean surf with a huge smile on her face!
Then she was down. I started for the water but as I was making my way onto the flat surface of the sand, her head emerged. She was laughing! My body relaxed knowing she was safe, and I walked back to the top of the hill to resume my watch.
Both of them walked out of the water. Grant high-fived her, and there was no mistaking the look of joy on her face. She’d loved the rush of getting up. I knew that high exactly because I had felt it too.
Then time stood still for me as I watched Grant lean in and kiss her. What the fuck?
She shoved him square in the chest and backed away. I couldn’t hear, but her anger was unmistakable.
Grant continued to advance on her, reaching for her arms. I saw her shake her head forcibly then she made her way over to her things. Without taking her wetsuit off, she trudged up toward the hill, soaking wet, arms full of surf gear, with tears streaming down her cheeks.
I stood up and bolted down to the base of the hill to meet her. I took everything she was carrying from her arms. “Walk up to the parking lot, Jess. I’ll help you in a minute.”
She nodded and wiped away another tear as she made her way up the sandy hill. I stormed over to Grant.
“Don’t ever fucking touch her again. Got it? She’s taken!”
He huffed. “Seriously, Roan? I told you she’d come running to me the minute you fucked up! You think a girl like that’s gonna put up with a guy like you?” He threw his head back and laughed.
I couldn’t help myself. I dropped all of Jessica’s shit in the sand, raised my arm, and punched him.
“Yeah, Grant, I think she will put up with my shit. Don’t ever fucking look at her again.”
He was holding his bloody nose as I made my way up the hill to her car. She had unzipped her wetsuit and was desperately trying to peel it off.
“Here, Locks, let me help you.”
She looked up at me, her face flooded with relief, but she didn’t say anything.
I slowly peeled the arms of her wetsuit down and off her. She was standing in front of me in her hot-pink top, with her wetsuit hanging down around her hips shivering and freezing from the cool morning air on her wet skin. Reaching for her sweatshirt, I rushed to cover her bare arms.
“Hold on to my back.” Peeling the wetsuit down past her hips and off each leg, I had to restrain myself from tracing her skin with my fingertips. Goose bumps sprang up on her, as quickly as possible, I helped cover the tiny material of her pink bottoms with her sweatpants.
By now, she had stopped crying, but was still disheveled and broken-looking so I pulled her into my arms. She did not resist and with her arms around my neck, held on tightly. I never wanted to let go.
“Jess, I’m so sorry about that video,” She squeezed my neck tighter. “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you ten years ago before I had a past, I’m sorry I kept this from you and I’m sorry you’re hurting but I promise, I never loved that girl.”
She continued to hold onto me as I felt her tears falling onto my skin. Her voice caught as she said, “It doesn’t change anything, Roan. I need you to leave me alone for a while. Please.”
Then she left me. Again.
asey was sprawled next to me in my bed, hung over as all
get out. She had one foot on the ground because she thought the room was still spinning even though she’d stopped drinking more than five hours ago.
The past few weeks had been the worst of my life. I’d fallen in love, gotten my heart broken, been kissed by Roan’s biggest enemy, and wondered continually what the hell I was going to do with my life. I was so down, I even contemplated moving back to Texas.
Roan finally got the message and his communication ceased. Though this is what I wanted, the silence was almost too much to bear.
Casey and Mason were getting married in less than a week. I had to keep it together until then. I would never forgive myself if I messed up their wedding.
“Stop!” she croaked at me.
I turned in surprise, “What?”
“Stop thinking about him,” she said, her voice muffled as she pulled up the comforter.
Last night, for her bachelorette party, I’d hired a company to put on an extravagant scavenger hunt for the ten girls who were invited. It had been an unbelievably fun evening, and it momentarily felt that my life was looking up. However, the morning brought back reality.
Looking at my best friend, I knew I would get it together and do whatever it took to make it through as her maid of honor.
“I think something died in my mouth,” Casey moaned beneath the covers. I’d made her spend the night as she’d been too drunk to drive and I hadn’t wanted to send her home to Mason in that condition. “I will never drink again.”
“Yeah, like I’ve never heard that before. I’ll get you some aspirin and water.” I made my way into the kitchen and brought back the necessary supplies for a hangover. When I returned, Casey was in my bathroom with her head in the toilet.
“How are you not dying? You drank more than I did,” she said with a look of disgust on her face.
“Oh, I’m hung over all right. But, I’m a Texan, Case. We can handle our liquor a lot better than you California wimps can. You know that.”
We’d had many mornings like this in college and the few years we’d lived together afterward. I could drink her under the table and still hold my own. I handed her the pills and water and gave her a spare toothbrush. Then I got back in bed. She followed soon after.