by B C Morgan
“Is that why?” A monotone voice, free of all emotions. I wonder what he’s masking behind his stoic facade.
I drag my hand across my face, the light streaming behind my closed lids, I turn my face to him, but my eyes remain sealed.
“I don’t know why, it’s not a cop out. It was the right thing to do and I would have done it for anyone, but I wouldn’t do it for the Shepherds so why did I do it for you?” I groan and crack my eyes open to find him watching me intently. I feel like an animal in a zoo, is he wanting me to perform a trick or something?
“That’s what I’m wondering, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. You tutored me because the old bat somehow convinced you to do it. You stayed with me in the swimming pool because Benjy asked and no one ever refuses that old teddy bear. But no one told you to go to bat for me, yet you did. It doesn’t make sense, so why did you?” He’s staring at me, his eyes moving side to side, switching from my left to my right. And all I can do is stare right back.
Is his face getting closer, is mine? No, it’s all in my head, I’m imagining it. I sink back into the seat and so does he, there’s a tension in the air that keeps growing thicker. What will happen when the tension breaks? Because that’s what will happen, it’s a black cord pulled tight and closing around us. A cord can only be pulled so far before it bends to the pressure and falls apart or snaps so loud it will be as quiet as a herd of elephants.
THE FIRST PLACE I visit as soon as we hit London is a bloody bathroom so I can empty what little I had in my stomach. It’s cramping like nobody’s business and I’m finding it hard to remember why I was so determined to make it back here in the first place. No good can come of it, but if Roxie is here then clearly, I need to be as well.
“Where are we supposed to camp while we’re here?” he asks as soon as I join back up with him.
“I have no idea, all I can do is hope that she’s already arrived. I am playing everything by ear right now,” I reply, shifting my bag onto my back and heading into the bustling crowd.
“Ring her, if you still have her number of course,” so simple and I have no idea why I didn’t think of it.
I guess it’s because I’m avoiding using my phone, only breaking the exception to get a message passed to her from Ivy. I hope she is being honest and the message didn’t turn into a horrible round of Chinese whispers.
My hands are shaking like a damn leaf, I wonder if I’ll drop my phone and add it to the list of things that have been broken since this all kicked off.
“For the last time, fuck you,” says Roxie as she answers her phone, in a whole new level of animosity that I didn’t think she had.
“How did you know that was my favourite greeting?” I can feel my mouth turn up into a smile to rival the Cheshire Cat. Harrison is rightly confused, I’ll have to explain it in a second, focus Henleigh.
“Baby girl, no freaking way,” her excitement is enough to make my ears bleed, damn Roxie. “I thought Ivy was full of crap. She wasn’t, was she?” Her mood changes fast enough to give me whiplash.
“Roxie concentrate, are you in London because we are,” that’s all I need to say, hearing her inhale as clearly as if she stood next to me. I’m sure I can hear whispering, but she quickly tells us where we need to go.
“Are you sure about this?” Harrison asks, his eyebrows poised high on his head, and rubbing the back of his neck.
“As sure as I’ll ever be,” what more can I say, look out London a Monterey is back let’s hope you won’t swallow me up and spit me out.
I DON’T THINK I can feel any more loved than I do right now, being held tighter than a baby or a tatty but well-loved toy, man I’ve really missed Roxie.
“I really should be kicking your arse,” she says through a tear riddled voice, she really should.
“Please do, I know I deserve it for disappearing on you. But in my defence, I did think I was protecting you,” I say meekly, looking up at her through my lashes, wrong audience though as she’s rolling her eyes at my antics. I know I can see a hint of a smile though, so I think I am in the clear. For now.
We follow her into the living room of her ground-floor flat, although this room alone is almost bigger than the whole of the cottage we abandoned in Cornwall. It’s easy to forget how rich she is with the way she acts and even dresses and she’s so unassuming about it all. If anything, I’d think she’d be just as happy living in squalor as long as she could still perform.
“There’s plenty of room for you to stay here, the only issue is that there is only one room free and Bella has already called dibs on the sofa for that bit of ‘advice’ you needed,” she says smiling in an utterly saccharine manner, as though butter wouldn't melt.
“It’s fine, we’ll share,” Harrison says gruffly, looking around her place but it's hard to miss the way he stares at the family photos she has on the walls, it must be hard for him.
“Oh really,” she drawls out and leaning to the side at the same time. Her mind is running rampant with all the possibilities that his words could mean. Declan looks uncomfortable and Bella is sitting on the sofa utterly gob smacked and a little green around the edges.
“It isn’t like that, we’re just,” I don’t know how to finish this sentence. “Comrades, friends, mutually beneficial acquaintances at prolonging our lives to the best of our abilities.
“We’re friends,” he spits out before leaving the room and all eyes are following his departure, because that makes it seem so much more convincing.
“You are welcome to stay here for as long as you like, but how would you feel if I used this offer to blackmail you just a little?” Roxie bats her lashes like a pro, Declan doesn’t stand a chance against her wills.
“Blackmail or extortion, because there is a difference,” I reply, resting my chin on my palm and staring at her, come on Roxie I know what you want but I can’t say yes.
“I need a guitarist, please baby girl without you the show can’t go on,” she throws her head back and lays her arm across her forehead, so bloody dramatic.
“I can’t, I’m on the fucking run. Why else do you think I got Ivy to contact you? I can’t Roxie, I’m sorry,” my voice cracks and my mood darkens at the thought of yet another thing ruined because of a past I’m not privy to?
“Don’t be moronic, you’re doing it,” spinning around, I cannot believe what I’m hearing, shouldn’t Harrison be on my side on this one at least. It’s not just my life at stake here, it’s his as well. Why do I have to be the bloody voice of reason?
“You can’t be serious, has everyone lost their ever-loving mind, I swear we’ve entered the twilight zone or something?” I throw my hands out and spin around, maybe if I spin fast enough everything will start making sense again.
Harrison grabs hold of me and makes me stand still, running his hands up and down my arms before gripping my elbows. Our eyes are connected, and no one is saying a thing. I know they’re watching us, but I care more about what he has to say than their stares.
“We are miserable woman, we’re running from county to fucking county with no end in sight. You love playing, I remember when me and Benjy were watching you play and you forgot we were there and you started to sing. You fucking glowed, not just a pregnancy thing it turns out,” his eye are burning into mine and I can hardly catch my breath. His hands are running up and down again, and I hate the way it's affecting me. His touch and his words, they are electrifying me, I wonder if my friends can see the sparks shooting off us. “Do it, if they find us we’ll get away. I think we have it down to an art form now,” oh my days, did Harrison just wink at me? He’s smiling and it's not sarcastic, it looks genuine.
“Okay,” I breathe out as I stand looking at him, returning his smile in full force. There is going to be a lot of discussions about this later, but right now, I don’t care. What does it mean? What is going on between us?
OUR FIRST NIGHT sleeping here is beyond awkward but at least we’re not haunted by our dreams and I have Roxie
to deal with today, how fun. She is way too excited by all this, but now she wants to hear me sing, I am not going to do that. I’m nothing compared to the set of pipes she has on her, it will be embarrassing. Nope, not doing it.
“You my dear, are a spoilsport,” she says as she pops her hip before placing her arm around my shoulder. Oh no, something’s coming. “We need to go shopping,” her eyes are sparkling and I’m being ushered out before I even get the chance to make an objection. If Dante doesn’t kill me, she just might.
She’s pushing me into a car along with herself and Bella, I do not like the secretive looks they keep sharing with one another though.
“Where are we going?” I ask hesitantly, I wonder if they can hear the fear in my voice.
“Clothes shopping, we have to wear new clothes for a new show. They’re the rules,” Roxie says while rolling her eyes and waving her hand at me dismissively.
“I... can’t.”
“WHAT DO you mean you can’t?” Roxie sounds as though she’s about to declare war, what the fuck?!
“I don’t have enough money for pointless frivolities like clothes for one fucking night! It’s not important, okay,” why am I shouting at her?I am such a bitch.
“I’m going to blow over the insult about the clothes because if I don’t I will have to kick your arse,” she blows out a breath through her teeth, before closing her eyes and I can see her mouthing from one to ten. “How are you broke? You had your ISA clear less than a month ago.”
“It was taken out of my bank, he really wants to make it hard to keep fighting him and to stay alive,” dramatic but oh so true. How depressing has my life become? I feel like I’m in some musical where the heroine is destined to always fail.
“It’s my treat and before you say anything,” can people stop shushing me with their fingers and hands, for crying out loud, “I need this and I need you. I really missed you and I was scared shitless that you were going to be found dead in a ditch somewhere,” her eyes are glistening like a still pool of water as the sun shines down upon it. She really was scared for me, fuck she probably still is. The fear never seems to dissipate for me.
I CAN’T ARGUE with her, not over this and at least I get to spend the rest of today with her and Bella. I’m not sure where Mikaela is, maybe she isn’t coming for it. It will be strange not having everyone here, but it isn’t Padstow anymore, everything has changed.
BEING BACK at the flat is a relief, the bags are weighing me down. I do not need this much stuff, but of course Roxie wouldn’t listen to my protests. They just fell on deaf ears whenever I tried, impossible woman.
Harrison is hiding in our room, I guess it must be awkward for him being around Declan. I might be assuming wrong but why else would he want to hide away from everyone?
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask softly, taking a seat beside him and I’m trying my hardest to make it so he can’t avoid my stare.
“I’m fine, just wondering how much longer this can last,” he replies darkly and I don’t know what he’s talking about.
“You want to stop running or you just don’t want to be stuck with me any longer,” sure I’m hazarding a couple of guesses but what else am I supposed to think? I’m not a bloody mind reader.
“I mean escaping, he keeps finding us Henleigh and I mean what I said, you should sing tomorrow. It might be the last time you get to do something fun for a while. You’ve already had to give up the guys you love and be stuck with me, why should you have to sacrifice this opportunity as well?” He’s looking at me and I feel like a fish out of water with the way my mouth keeps opening and closing.
He brings his head closer, not once taking his eyes off mine but he’s not kissing me. Instead our noses brush before he pulls away and lies down, with his back to me. I don’t think I’m ever going to understand him.
TWELVE
WAKING UP, encased in Harrison’s arms shouldn’t feel as good as it does and it’s stupid, but I don’t want to move. If I do, he’ll wake up and pull away from him as though I’m toxic to touch. I’ll keep fighting whatever it is I feel for him, because he doesn’t know, no one does. I can’t see myself surviving all this bullshit, if the truth does bury me alive then Dante will surely make sure something does. He wants me dead and I don’t know what I have left to fight for, my guys or guy seeing as Elijah is doing god knows what and Amias is as trustworthy as a vulture when you’re close to death. I only really have Noah, but I don’t have him. In my heart it’s an entirely different matter to reality and it’s hard to face that along with everything else.
The sound of Harrison’s light moaning as he draws me closer makes my mouth feel like it’s made of cotton wool and my entire being is awakening at the sound.
“Woman,” he mumbles as his face nuzzles my neck, until he wakes up a little more and moves fast enough to cause himself whiplash, that’s the Harrison I know. Am I really that abhorrent to you, hmm? His dream self doesn’t seem to think so, unless he thinks I’m someone else.
“What are you doing here?” He growls out and my mouth his hanging open as I take in Noah, standing in the doorway.
His mouth is pulled down in a slight frown, but he smiles weakly as our eyes meet. I can’t let him walk away, not now and certainly not like this. Do something Henleigh, for crying out loud.
I should try out for the pole vault if I live through this, with how flawlessly I leap from the bed and make it to him. He’s staring at me and I can’t think, as I lose myself in the cool waters of his eyes. If this is what drowning feels like, I never want to come up for air. I’d gladly do it for the rest of my days.
“You’re here,” my hand is brushing across his face, I guess I need to validate that he isn’t an impressive mirage.
He places his hand over mine, as he lowers his face and glides his lips across mine, effortless and oh so toe curling. I don’t pull away, I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
I can feel Harrison push past us, I feel guilty for a split second but I forget all about it. Noah’s fingers curl in my hair and he tilts my head back to deepen the kiss further. I can’t think, speak or move.
I’m groaning so loud as he pulls away and takes a healthy step back, I have no idea what to think. Is he going to tell me it was a mistake? Because that is going to slay me.
“Are you and Harrison...together?” I can’t detect a hint of judgement in his tone, he just wants to know.
“No, but we’re close I guess. As close as two people who apparently hate each other can be, he helps keep the nightmares away,” he doesn’t need to know that I keep H’s away as well. I’ll take that secret with me to the cold, dank grave.
“I love you Henleigh and I’d share you with just about anyone it seems, if it means I get you too.”
“I love you, but I can’t be with you. I won’t bring you into my fucked up world, I can’t risk anything happening to you. I will not be selfish with this, I’ve already got Harrison in the firing line I won’t do that to you,” my eyes are filling with tears as I clutch onto his shirt and silently beg him to let this go.
“Come on, time for breakfast,” he says and I don’t think things could get any more awkward than they are right now. I just want him to be happy, why is it making me feel so miserable though? Because I want him to be mine.
HARRISON ISN’T TALKING to me, even going as far to leave the room whenever I enter. Noah is his usual, smiling self which is making my heart hurt but I don’t think it’s real. It can’t be, everyone is on edge apart from Bella and that’s only because Matti has arrived and they are unbelievably cute together.
I hope he can help me, I can’t handle being isolated any longer. I need to know just who Dante is, and how he always seems to be one step ahead.
“Henleigh,” Matti says with a smile on his face as I pull him into a quick hug and smile back.
I don’t know how it’s happening but everyone is leaving the room, I don’t think they’ve gone entirely. More than likely at least one of them will list
en in, but it’s not bothering me. This won’t put anyone in danger, at least I hope it won’t.
“What’s wrong? Bella said you need my help,” he sounds so confused by the prospect that I would ask for help.
“Someone is following me and I don’t know how he’s doing it. I’ve stopped using my car, I’m having to pay by cash since he emptied my bank account and neither Harrison or I book a place or ticket in our real names. I keep changing my number and I’ve even got a new phone but he’s always there,” my heart is thumping like the bass in a club song. My breathing is becoming more frantic and my chest is so tight that I feel like I’m stuck in a vice.
“I can look into it, but Noah may be your best bet. Look, Henleigh, I like you and I’m happy to help but why don’t you ask him?” Okay now his confusion makes more sense.
“Noah is too close, if he figures it out he may do something or tell... someone and it will cause a world of problems. Please Matti, you’re the only one I can ask,” I’m begging and I don’t care, his agreement is almost making me weep with relief.
He goes to find Bella just as Mikaela arrives, I’ve missed her too. She may be quiet and unassuming but it’s hard not to notice when she isn’t with us.
ONE HOUR before we leave for the club where we’re performing, how did I let myself get talked into this? I must be out of my mind, but it’s too late to back out now.
“Henleigh,” H says, knocking on the door before popping his head around.
Finally, I can’t believe he’s been ignoring me ever since Noah turned up. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was jealous or something.
“Hey tough guy, you okay?” I ask as I sweep steel grey shadow over my top lid and add kohl black liner on my lower lid and lining the top as well.
“Yeah, just thought I’d wish you luck before you go,” he says gruffly and I can feel my heart plummeting to the cold, hard ground. He’s not coming.