“No, I wouldn’t know much about it. My sex life has always been to strip and fuck. It’s worked for me. Sex is a physical need. It doesn’t need to be complicated.”
“You know some romantic things, though. The things that make sex complicated,” she countered. “The waterfall, for an example. You just haven’t mastered the complete skill set.”
“What kind of man would want the slow show when I could rip it off you and have what I want faster? When you could have what you want faster?” His question was oddly serious. She raised an eyebrow. He was trying to learn something. This was newer territory for him, it seemed.
“Someone like Vincent would appreciate it. Think of the way he eats, or listens to music. He immerses himself in whatever sensation is present to him. He wants the full experience to last as long as possible. Clothing and the strip tease is just extending and prolonging that gratification, making it more potent, more satisfying.” She knew a thing or two about sexuality and human beings. She’d once told Vincent she’d played the roles for work and hadn’t been lying. Sultry wasn’t normal for her but she could act the part.
“Hmmm.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, releasing her sweats to finish getting dressed. He wore an expression of thoughtfulness that let her know that he was already plotting some way to try out what she’d talked about. That was going to be something, for sure. This was not the end of this discussion.
“Elijah never talked about it?”
“Elijah really enjoys the way I do things,” he replied. “He likes that I’m…upfront with what I want, when I want it. There’s no reason for me to learn other things since he and I don’t want them.”
“There’s a charm to that, and it’s normally how I like things as well. Just do it. Be honest about it. But I can appreciate the slowness of other ways of seduction too. Not my regular, but I appreciate them.” She was finally dressed and held out a hand. “Want to go for that walk?”
“Ah, yes. You wanted to talk.” Quinn grabbed her hand and she helped him up.
“I did, but I’m not…” Sawyer shook her head, trying to find the words. She was trying hard to open up before December got bad, before she fell into her dark hole, but now she was at a loss as to what to say. Perfect. She changed her plans. “I just wanted your company, I think. You understand better than most.”
“When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I go out to my place, my lean-to and garden, and light a fire. I’ll stay out there for a long time. Let’s go.”
“Are you sure?” she asked softly as he stood up.
“Like my room, you are free to come into my space any time,” he promised. “Come. We’ll send the animals out. We still haven’t gone hunting as well. If you want to stay out there, we can do that. There’s some tired, older white-tail in the area.”
“It might be too cold for that,” she noted. “I mean, it snowed last night. Could very well happen again.” She had been avoiding going hunting with him, not because the idea sounded bad, but because she hadn’t wanted more nights out of a real bed. The Amazon had been a nightmare. She wasn’t sure she was ready for more time playing in the wilderness.
“Ah…I have something that may help you with the cold.”
She followed him out of his room and then out into the backyard. They walked in silence to the woods. Sawyer could feel Sombra clearer now. She was deeper in the woods, climbing around, enjoying the sun as it began to warm the world up again. She was already tired of the cold and snow.
“She misses home,” Sawyer whispered, looking in the direction of her jaguar. She couldn’t see Sombra, but she knew exactly where she was out in the woods.
“She does,” he agreed. She knew he would figure out what she was saying. “But she’s settling in here well. Sometimes the boys miss where we’re from. They had other wolves, they knew the land, and there was freedom. No one to say they couldn’t do something, or where they could or couldn’t go. It’s an adjustment. There must be times you miss New York.”
“I do,” she admitted. “I miss the kids and Charlie and my home over the gym. At this point, it’s all probably covered in snow and looking wonderful. I didn’t grow up with snow, you know. Here in Georgia, it doesn’t happen very often. I never could find a part of me to dislike it, even with all its inconveniences.” She smiled, thinking of New York at this time of year. “The city will be decked out in lights. The Christmas music should be playing in every building, and kids are excited for presents.”
“Sounds busy,” he mumbled. She knew he wouldn’t appreciate it, since he didn’t enjoy cities, but she loved it. It made her miss it all, like an ache in her chest. It was better than being depressed over Henry, though.
“It’s amazing,” she corrected. “Maybe one day I’ll get to drag you up there just for a few days. I think you might be pretty astounded by it.”
“Maybe.” He didn’t sound excited at all by the idea, which meant she was never going to get him there. But she could already see it, them on the Square, his eyes reflecting back Christmas lights. She would love having all of them up there, just once. “You’re already considering how to get it to happen.”
“No, just day-dreaming about it.” She grinned. “It would be fun. We’d leave the animals with someone for just a couple of days.”
“So you say. I would go if you asked, but I’m positive I wouldn’t have fun. It’s crowded, concrete, and too busy. But I would go for you.” He eyed her. “Can I admit something to you?”
“Of course?” She frowned at him, confused.
“I’m thinking about getting a haircut.”
That took her by surprise. She really wasn’t sure what to say in return. She liked his long hair? He was free to do whatever he wanted with it? She went with something easy.
“Why’s that?” she inquired, turning to walk backwards on the trail and look at him. She didn’t want to seem like it wasn’t a big deal. She had a feeling it was.
“Change,” he answered softly. “For a long time, I kept it long because it is what I’m used to. But over the last month or so, I’ve been thinking about it. My mother liked it long, and so did my mate. And I want change. I want something new, something different.” He shrugged. “I’ve always been very resistant to change, but…I have. I’m a different male than the one you met. I’m a different male than the one who went into the Amazon. The male you met would have never considered going to New York just because you wanted it, for example.”
“So you want something visual to represent the change. You want to make it feel real.” She nodded, thinking about how much he really had changed. She’d been attracted to the man she met when she arrived. She loved the man she was talking to. They were two very different people. Similar, of course - Quinn would always be Quinn. There would always be odd things about him that made him interesting and unique.
None of that changed the fact that she was a little heartbroken to think of him cutting his hair.
“Do…do you want to help me?” he asked softly. “You and Elijah? I’m not sure what I would do.” There was such a vulnerability in the words. This was part of the man she’d fallen in love with. He wasn’t just a feral man with so much power. He was deeper than that; he was human. In one simple, insecure question, she realized the difference between the Quinn she met and the one she knew now. This one trusted her with his deepest worries and fears, things he showed no one except her and Elijah. She saw why the cowboy loved him so much, even just as the closest of friends.
“I’ll help in whatever way I can. Quinn, it’s your hair. Change it, don’t change, just do what makes you feel good. About yourself. Nothing else.” She didn’t have any other words for him. “I guess Elijah and I can find some styles you might like?”
“That would be nice. Plus, I’m almost tired of it. It’s a lot of hair. I have to maintain it. I’m tired of it. Truly.”
“Then you sound pretty ready to cut it all off, but maybe the first cut doesn’t need to be too drastic?
Have you ever cut it before?”
“I trim the ends on my own.”
She would have never known. His hair was as long, if not longer, than her own when she straightened it. Probably longer. She would guess longer.
“We’ll figure something out,” she said, thinking about what would look good on him. She wouldn’t let him go as short as Elijah’s hair. That would be too different. There were some longer male hairstyles that could work for him, though. Something shoulder-length. She turned again, walking normally at his side as they made it into his camp with his ‘lean-to.’
“Thank you.” He leaned to kiss her cheek and she smiled in return. “I’ll get a fire going and we can just ignore the rest of the world for a little while.”
“That sounds nice. It feels far away out here, far away from civilization, people. All of it.”
“That’s what I love about being out here. Most of the bad things we deal with are in that world, beyond the woods. Here? It’s just the wilderness, just a small piece of it. A place where I’ve always felt comfortable.” He moved quickly, grabbing logs from a stack he had next to the lean-to.
She sat down on one of the chairs near the fire pit and waited, knowing he wouldn’t want her help. She was trained in making fires and all the other survival stuff he enjoyed, but he thought she was too slow. As he got the fire going, the sun was hanging over them. The day was chilly, a bit too cold for how far south they were.
“Should have gotten Elijah. He could light this in a second,” he complained softly.
She realized it wasn’t said to her, but she couldn’t help making a comment in return. “Is my feral Magi getting lazy?” she asked, teasing him for the complaint.
“Maybe,” he admitted, grinning. That beautiful and rare smile. It was a lovely thing and becoming so much more common. She felt like a teenage girl just staring at it and swooning a little. “Is he still being strange with you?”
She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Yeah.”
“He really likes you. You know that, right?” Quinn looked up at her as he finished poking the small fire. He rose up and walked to sit down next to her. “He’s a good male.”
“Sure,” she bit out.
She had four wonderful men that she was in love with all for their own reasons. Like the kids she taught self defense to, she loved each of them for their own uniqueness, and there were times when she felt like she didn’t deserve any of it. Which was why she didn’t question it. She wasn’t going to try and convince them that it was ridiculous they all wanted her, or that the future of this weird relationship was probably doomed. She was just going to take the good as it came and turn a blind eye to anything that might end it sooner. It was the only way she could accept it.
That made her conflicted anger and frustration over Elijah puzzling. She felt put out by it. She was in a woman’s dream world. Four stunning men who helped her through her rough times, who she trusted more than anyone who came before them, and she was hung up on the cowboy who stopped flirting with her. She was stung by the silent rejection of his recent behavior.
She was messed up.
“Do you like him?” Quinn’s question sounded so innocent. She narrowed her eyes on him until he shrugged. “Just a question.”
“You don’t meddle well.”
“I meddle well enough,” he retorted, a twitch of his lips telling her that he was trying to hide a smile. She knew a meddler when she saw one, but at the same time, she was glad it was him and not Vincent. He was the person who knew the frustrating cowboy the best.
“Yeah, I like him. He’s a good friend-”
“No, Sawyer. Do you like him?”
“What is this? High school?” she sputtered, looking at him like he was being ridiculous. Really, she just didn’t want to answer the question. She didn’t have an answer, and that was hard to admit.
“Jaguar?”
With a single word, the conversation became more serious. They only trotted out those nicknames when they were being serious. Since the Amazon, it was something only he called her.
“He’s Elijah. He’s hard not to like.” It was the safest answer she could give. She tried to elaborate, though, knowing Quinn wasn’t going to accept that. “I liked the easiness between us, and it’s not there anymore. It’s evaporated. Poof. Gone. I don’t know what I did.”
“I don’t think you did anything. In fact, I know you didn’t do anything. It’s all on him, and he knows it.”
“I’m going to assume you’ve talked to him about it?” She pulled her knees to her chest and held them as she looked over at her lover.
“Of course. He doesn’t keep things from me. I hold what he says in confidence, but I can tell you, it’s all him.”
She could smell the meddling over the campfire. She could hear it over the ambient noises of the woods around them. He was meddling quite a bit, her wolf, but she didn’t know why. What did he have to gain from nosing around between her and Elijah?
“Wolf?” She turned the serious question back on him. “Why are you getting involved in this? I thought the general rule was that I dealt with all of you as individuals. That while we’re a team, the relationships and those problems were something between me and whoever.”
“He’s not happy right now, Sawyer, and I know it’s because of what’s going on between you and him.” He shrugged, looking off into the woods. “I know you aren’t happy with how he’s behaving. You both being happy is important to me, so I’m stepping in how I can. I might not be able to give away all of what he asks me to hold in confidence, but I can help you understand that it’s not you. He’s not upset with you. I promise.”
She wanted to believe that, since she was tired of trying to figure out what she did wrong. It was such a fast and drastic change in her friendship with the cowboy that it had thrown her for a loop and had made her unhappy. Every time he blew her off, she was hurt in a way she hadn’t figured would come up. Rejected. She relied on these guys and now one was constantly rejecting her, pushing her away. She felt like she lost a friendship, and now was realizing just how much it meant to her.
“I purposefully suggested him taking you out to dinner so you two can have a moment away from the house and the rest of us. I think that might do good.”
“Why do you think that?” she asked quietly, hoping to understand the wisdom that she was beginning to expect from Quinn.
“It worked for us, in the village. We were away from the rest of the team, only having each other out there, and strangers.”
“Basing your relationship advice on what has been proven to work. Good idea.”
“It’s not a hard concept. I noticed everyone here does it except you and Elijah. When Vincent needs you, you lock away in his office or room. You go to the gym every morning with Zander, and it’s something you both look forward to, something between you. Zander and Jasper play video games on weekends, something between them. It’s something friends do.” He looked suddenly worried he got it all wrong. “Right? I’m not…mistaking anything?”
“No, I think you have the right of it,” she replied, chuckling. “You’re right. We all do have something with each other that’s just ours. You and Elijah love the swimming hole more than everyone else. Vincent and I love to play chess against each other and talk nonsense. Jasper and Vincent have been known to pore over books they both like.”
They continued to throw examples back and forth, talking the day away about their lives and the people in them. Vincent’s changes as a person, her work in progress with Zander, Jasper’s intelligent mind. How they tied into each other and made what Quinn considered a strong pack. They all had pieces of each other. It reminded her of another thing she had in common with one of the men she lived with.
“Elijah and I both like working on cars,” she mumbled. When was the last time she popped the hood on a vehicle and played around? When was the last time she put that hobby into action? It used to be something she could do to pass the lonely hours of her life.
It had been a rewarding hobby on top of that, since she could do it and have something to show for it. She felt accomplished when she could get something broken and turn it into something that was wanted.
She had been tinkering on the beat-up truck they used to drive around the property when they had yard work to do, but she hadn’t touched it since before the Amazon. Even then, she’d been overwhelmed by everything else and too busy.
“He loves messing with the inside of his truck, especially during ‘race season,’” Quinn mentioned. “But I’ve never seen you two work together on anything.”
“We never have,” she said, sighing. “Maybe…”
Christmas was coming up, and this had given her an idea. She hadn’t been planning on getting any of them gifts, but with this idea, now she had an idea for at least one.
“You seem like you figured something out, which is good. I would rather your mind be focused on the present, the people around you.”
She blinked and looked at him, frowning. “What does that mean?”
“You haven’t mentioned Henry the entire time we’ve been out here and it’s nearly dinner.” He smiled, standing up. A moment later, the fire was gone, swallowed by the earth.
She didn’t let her jaw drop, but she really wanted it to. He was right. They had sat out here nearly all day, talking about the people they lived with, and she didn’t once think about Henry. She didn’t once feel that darkness and cold sliding in her chest and threatening to overwhelm her.
“When I’m caught thinking about my son too much, I find something to divert my attention. Something that requires all my attention.”
“Well, it worked.” She couldn’t deny that, and even now, she couldn’t feel the drag of remembering him. Something in her chest was too full for something like that darkness. “It’s not like I’ve never had the same idea but…it never worked, not really.”
The Redemption Saga Box Set Page 104