Joyful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“I don’t think so. That would be too much.”

  When the kettle started whistling, he sagged in relief. This had been the most difficult conversation he’d had in some time. Reaching out, he pulled it off the burner.

  He was about to offer her tea when she put a peppermint tea bag in her cup and poured the water. “Do you want tea for yourself, Randall?”

  “No. Danke. You know I don’t drink tea.”

  “Well, you didn’t used to. But I thought, perhaps, that might have changed, too.”

  Unable to wait any longer, Randall said, “What happened to us, Elizabeth? I know I told you that I couldn’t see you for a while.”

  “Nee, you told me that you couldn’t see me anymore. You broke things off.”

  “Yes, but you seemed to accept it fairly easily.”

  She inhaled sharply. Looking extremely affronted, she glared at him and said, “It wasn’t my place. You are the man.”

  “You knew I cared. You knew I had plans for us.” Remembering all the times they’d gone walking in the fields by her house, holding hands, sneaking kisses. Of course he’d cared! How could she have doubted it?

  But instead of softening her stance, Elizabeth looked even more irritated. “I did not, Randall. You never said anything beyond some thinly veiled promises.”

  He remembered those moments differently. “I said plenty.”

  “No, you kissed me plenty.”

  He’d done a lot of things wrong, but he knew he hadn’t misjudged her responses to him. “Oh, don’t act like you didn’t like kissing me, too. We both know I treated you respectfully.”

  “All I really knew was that after two years of courting, after two years of listening to vague promises, you pushed me away with little more than a fond good-bye.”

  “I only pushed you away because you didn’t understand how little time I had to give you. I know I hurt your feelings, but I wish you would at least try to forgive me. You have no idea what it’s like to live in a house with so many siblings depending on you.”

  “That’s right. I only know what it’s like to live with a grandmother depending on me.”

  He felt his cheeks burn, but he wasn’t exactly sure if it was from embarrassment or frustration.

  He feared it was a little bit of both.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he murmured after he settled down. “Before I broke things off, we hardly ever got to see each other anyway. I knew you were upset about it, too. Every time I told you that I couldn’t see you, you acted like I was being sneaky and devious.”

  “I only complained about your lack of time because you gave me no option.” Her voice became stronger. “Don’t you remember? We would have plans and then you wouldn’t show up. Or instead of spending the afternoon together you’d come over for ten minutes and a hasty kiss.”

  “You’re making me sound like the worst sort of boyfriend.”

  She pursed her lips, not even trying to refute what he said. “You know what happened as much as I do, Randall. You pushed me aside with little explanation, expecting me to accept your decision without argument.”

  He wanted to gape at her. Ached to argue, to point out the inconsistencies in her argument. He feared if he did that, however, he’d have to admit that he had just as many flaws.

  And then, there they would be, rehashing everything that he’d thought a hundred times but had never had the time or the courage to tell her.

  Instead, he held his tongue. “Perhaps we should keep our conversation centered on this job after all. I thought I’d show you the house and let you know where everything is in the kitchen.”

  “There is no need, Randall,” she said as she followed him back to the front door. “I know where everything is, heaven knows I’ve been here enough. All you need to do is leave me in peace and I’ll take care of the rest.”

  Her rejection stung. Though, of course, it always had stung. Knowing he was just as much at fault didn’t help him any, either.

  Taking care to keep his voice matter-of-fact, he said, “Kaylene will be home at three o’clock. Can you stay until four today?”

  “I can.”

  “In that case, I’ll be in the barn. Come get me if you have any questions.” And because he’d done it before, he turned around and walked away.

  Leaving them both with a lot of questions and no easy answers.

  chapter seven

  The moment Randall turned his back, Elizabeth walked into the wide entryway of his house and slumped against the wall, almost knocking down the black-and-white building-block quilt hanging above her head.

  Taking a quick step to the side, she exhaled and tried to regain her composure. But it was hard.

  Randall Beiler irritated her like no one else. He also made her say and do things she knew she should be embarrassed about. And she was embarrassed. She hated arguing with him. She hated that she didn’t seem able to push her hurt to one side and move forward.

  But most of all, she hated remembering how he used to gaze at her so sweetly, as if she were the only girl in the world. Well, the only girl in the world he was interested in.

  Remembering some of the things he’d said, fearing that some of his excuses might even make sense, she took another fortifying breath and brushed off her disappointment. Tonight, when she was back home in her quiet house, she would have all the time she needed to dwell on their past.

  Now, though, she needed to swallow her pride and do what she could for his family. Now that Randall was gone, she was able to relax enough to really examine the kitchen. She’d only been scrubbing the kettle to have something to do besides stare at him. And maybe to needle him a bit because she was feeling so uneasy being around him again.

  As she returned to the kitchen, she realized that under the dirt and grime was the saddest sight ever. Instead of colorful chaos, the large kitchen was spotless and bare. No papers or notes were attached to the front of the refrigerator, nothing lay on the countertops.

  She blinked, remembering when Beverly, Claire, and Junior were still in the house. Back then, things had looked much different. The colorful dish towels that used to hang on the gas stove’s door handle were now gone. As was the ceramic cookie jar fashioned in the shape of a dachshund.

  A year ago, books and papers and candles littered the countertops, making the big house into a comfortable home, illustrating to one and all that a family lived there. Now? What wasn’t covered in dust and grime looked sterile, almost as if no one had lived there for months.

  Opening the refrigerator, Elizabeth half expected it to be empty and bare, too. Bracing herself, she peered inside, wondering how she was going to make a decent supper out of nothing. But instead of vacant shelves, there was a bounty of food nestled inside. Rows of vegetables, cartons of fresh berries, and a container of raw chicken were on one shelf. Milk, eggs, butter, a block of cheddar cheese, and a carton of sour cream lay on another.

  After opening a few cabinets, she found sugar and flour, a glass jar filled with rice and a dozen boxes of flavored gelatin.

  It looked like supper was going to be made after all.

  With Kaylene in mind, she decided on a simple meal of fried chicken, broccoli and rice casserole, and a Jell-O salad. And she would make some sugar cookies, too, because she had a feeling Kaylene would be happy to have a treat when she came home from school.

  After wrapping an old dishcloth around her waist, she got to work, taking pleasure in doing such simple things as measuring flour and sugar, then carefully rolling out the dough. She was humming to herself by the time she was cutting neat circles in the dough with the top of a glass.

  Once the first batch of cookies were baking, she walked upstairs, peeking in bedrooms and bathrooms.

  Funny how she knew each Beiler well enough to guess whose room was whose, just from the quilts on the beds and the small number of items on desks and bedside tables.

  Micah was the easiest to spot. He had piles of textbooks on every available space. He also had t
hree spiral notebooks on his desk, an assortment of pencils, each in various need of sharpening, and a calculator tossed on the floor.

  His room was also the only one without a quilt. Instead was a neat-looking plain brown bedspread and three pillows. Four pegs lined one wall. Two shirts, one light blue, one green, hung beside a pair of dark blue pants.

  Levi’s room was the complete opposite. His bed was unmade; clothes, both Amish and English, littered the floor. On his bedside table was a novel and a sports magazine. But there was also a well-worn Bible next to his bed. Unable to help herself, Elizabeth peeked inside.

  As she suspected, it was their family’s Bible. Both of their parents’ names were neatly inscribed at the top of the first page. Elizabeth ran a hand along the leather cover, wondering just how much Levi missed his parents—and how aware his older brothers were of his feelings. She’d always believed Levi to be far more sensitive than he readily let on.

  After folding a couple of his shirts and straightening his sheets, she gathered up a few items that looked especially dirty and put them in a pile in the hall.

  Next she wandered into what had to be Neil’s room. It was as neat as a pin. On a beautifully crafted cherrywood desk lay a plain, functional calendar. Lists of chores, auctions, and appointments filled each of the calendar’s squares.

  Next to a heavy-looking bedside table was his bed. It was neatly made, the sheets tucked in with precision. Covering the queen-sized mattress was a beautifully stitched white-on-white quilt in a rose pattern. Running her hand along the worn fabric, Elizabeth smiled, realizing that their mother had probably quilted the piece. She had a vague memory of hearing about how Mrs. Beiler had been a gifted quilter.

  The only thing that gave the room any personality was the overflowing laundry basket filled with clothes that smelled of barns and animals.

  Not wanting to get too up-close and personal with his smelly laundry, Elizabeth dragged the whole basket into the hall before looking for Kaylene’s room.

  Seeing a trio of rooms at the end of the hall, she peeked into the first. It was empty except for a pair of twin beds. The walls were painted a cool blue. When she noticed that one wall easily had a dozen pegs, as well as a set of built-in shelves, she knew the room must have belonged to Claire and Beverly. Next to that room was a completely empty bedroom, its white walls and bare wood floor practically begging for company.

  Remembering how close Kaylene was to her eldest brother, she could only imagine that the empty room was Junior’s. When she opened the last bedroom door, she grinned.

  Inside, there was an explosion of pink and white. Kaylene’s walls were painted a soft carnation pink and the quilt was a crazy quilt obviously made up of old dresses of Kaylene’s. Small dresses hung on hooks on the walls and brushes and pins lay on the desk.

  Stuffed animals of all sorts littered the floor and the bed and the soft-looking easy chair in the corner. An oval rag rug lay in the middle of the room. The bright colors of the rags woven together made the rug look festive and cheerful.

  Next to her bed was a white table, its sides gently curved and beveled. On its top lay a box of tissues and two books, one of which was Little Women.

  She had a pile of towels and laundry in the corner of the room.

  After adding Kaylene’s laundry to the rather large pile in the hall, Elizabeth walked back downstairs. The cookies were done, so she quickly set them on the countertop to cool.

  Then she knew it was time to face one last room. Steeling her shoulders, she walked past the living room and the dining room, finally coming to a stop in front of what had to be the master bedroom.

  It was silly, but she was reluctant to enter Randall’s bedroom. Half of her was afraid to discover some piece of evidence that he’d changed. The other half was afraid to realize that he was still the same man she’d fallen in love with. If he was, she knew she was about to set herself up for another bout of heartache.

  Bracing herself, she opened the door and then stood in awe. Instead of a big bed, he had a futon shaped into a couch of sorts. A pair of pillows and a thick quilt, made up of simple squares in greens and blues, lay at one corner. Next to the futon was a heavy-looking easy chair upholstered in gray plaid. A trio of books lay on the floor. A thick area rug lay in the middle of the wooden floor, and a fairly large bookshelf rested in between the two windows. Lining the shelves were books of all kinds, ranging from history to mysteries to religious texts.

  There was also the silly wooden train that she’d given him as a Christmas gift the first year they’d dated. Next to it was a red satin ribbon, tied in a clumsy bow.

  She’d given it to him with that bright red bow, saying that with that train, he could follow her anywhere in the world.

  Reaching out, she gently ran a finger along the satin ribbon. He’d kissed her for the first time after she’d given him that. And had then whispered in her ear that he didn’t need a train to follow her, that she had already claimed his heart.

  Then, more recently, he’d come to her house and quietly broken her heart.

  Pressing her hand to her mouth, Elizabeth backed away. She hated that he’d kept something so special to her.

  Hated that he kept that red ribbon.

  Without looking for his laundry, she closed his door with a firm snap. It was simply not possible to carry around any shirts that smelled like him. Her work as his maid only went so far.

  Running upstairs, she grabbed an armful of laundry, then ran down two flights of stairs like her feet were on fire. She needed to work hard and try not to think about Randall. Try not to remember their two years together. But just as she closed the washing machine’s lid, she drew herself up to a halt.

  She’d meant to concentrate on Kaylene’s needs. Not hers.

  She was going to work on making a decent dinner for Levi, who was so tired of eating grilled chicken and potatoes. She was going to remind herself of how handy the money she was earning was going to be. She’d been meaning to concentrate on anything but Randall.

  She’d intended to simply think of her time at the Beilers’ home as a job. As a way to pay her bills and take care of her grandmother.

  But so far, all she’d been doing had been taking a trip down memory lane, dredging up old memories while she did so.

  At this rate, she was going to either fall back in love with Randall or be reduced to tears.

  chapter eight

  Elizabeth had completed three loads of laundry and baked four dozen cookies by the time Kaylene walked through the kitchen door with Neil.

  “Hi, Elizabeth,” the little girl said with wide eyes. “My brothers said you might be here.”

  “And I am. It’s good to see you.” Lifting her head, she smiled at Neil. “Hello, Neil.”

  Neil’s gaze softened. “You are a sight for sore eyes, Elizabeth. Thank you for helping us out. I hope we’re not causing too much trouble for you. We Beilers can be kind of a mess.”

  “Not at all. As I told Randall, I’m happy to be of use. And I was looking forward to seeing all of you again.” Well, almost all of them.

  “I feel the same way. We lost a gut friend when you and Randall broke up.” He winced. “I hope you don’t mind me sayin’ that.”

  She chuckled. “I’ve felt the same way.” Noticing that Kaylene was still looking at her like she might disappear at any minute, she waved a hand toward the two plates filled with cookies sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. “Would either of you like a cookie? They’re just sugar cookies but they’re pretty gut.”

  “Asking if we want a cookie is like asking if we would like the sun to rise, right, Kay?” As his little sister nodded, Neil reached down and plucked one off the table. After biting in, he closed his eyes and groaned in pleasure. “They’re still warm. And delicious!”

  “Danke. I made fried chicken for you, too. And broccoli and rice casserole.”

  Neil’s expression turned to one of bliss. “Can I tell you again that I’m mighty glad you’re
here?”

  Feeling lighter than she had all day, Elizabeth giggled. “You can tell me that as often as you’d like.”

  After stealing another two cookies, Neil turned to go back out the door. “If you need something, I’ll be out in the barn,” he said as he strode to the mudroom.

  Kaylene was rooted to her spot, still wearing her backpack. She looked like she couldn’t decide whether to stay or to run out of the room.

  Elizabeth knew that something needed to be said. “Kaylene, I know when I was seeing Randall we never had much of an occasion to talk. But I’d like to get to know you now. Why don’t you take off your backpack and sit with me awhile?”

  “I’m going to go on up to my room.”

  “You don’t want a snack?”

  Kaylene shook her head. “Not right now.”

  “But couldn’t we at least sit together for a little bit? I’d love to hear how your day went.”

  Kaylene edged toward the door. “I know you’re only here because my brothers are paying you.”

  “That’s not the only reason I’m here.”

  “But it’s a job, right? They are paying you to cook and clean? To be our maid.”

  Hating that she was being reduced to that status when she had always planned to be Kaylene’s sister-in-law, Elizabeth nodded. “You’re right. I am here to cook and clean. And I am going to be paid for it.”

  Kaylene’s eyes widened, right before they filled with tears. Then, without another word, she turned away and walked upstairs.

  Elizabeth was so stunned, she sat down at the kitchen table. She hadn’t remembered Kaylene being anything but welcoming and well-mannered when she and Randall had dated. Whenever she’d seen the girl she had always been smiling and happy.

  Of course, she’d also been practically glued to Junior’s side or helping her sisters around the house. And she’d loved reading with Miriam, too.

  Elizabeth now understood what Randall and Levi had meant when they said that Kaylene needed her. It was obvious that she was afraid to trust anyone.

  So many people in her life had left her, some through death, others in the normal progression of things. Maybe she was even mourning the fact that so many people in her life had moved on.