Joyful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Because Kaylene needs me?”

  “Jah. Because I think we all need you. It seems I’ve got quite a bit to work on. It’s also obvious that I’m not going to be able to do it without your help.”

  As Elizabeth studied him, he realized how much he’d taken her for granted.

  Elizabeth was pretty much perfect, and he’d been too shortsighted to try to keep her. He’d been so intent on being the man his brother was that he’d failed to look around and see everything he was in danger of losing. He hadn’t taken the time to ask her to be patient with him.

  “So, what do you say? Will you come back to work at our haus?”

  “I say yes, Randall. I’ll come back to work. I’ll be there in an hour or so.”

  “Really?” Drat that hope that was eking out of his voice. He sounded so desperate. He was so desperate.

  “Really,” she said around a sigh. And then, thank goodness, she smiled. “I’m glad you came over to grovel. And I’m really glad we talked.”

  He was, too. He only wished that he had the courage to also tell her what was in his heart: that he’d made a mistake and he wanted her back.

  He was too afraid, though.

  He wouldn’t have known what to do if she said that could never happen.

  The moment Randall disappeared from sight, Elizabeth ran up the stairs.

  “Lizzy?” her grandmother called out. “Lizzy, what happened?”

  The polite thing to do would be to turn around and talk to her grandmother. But she just couldn’t. She needed a moment.

  Okay, she needed more than a moment to think about what had just happened.

  When she got to her room, she closed the door behind her and closed her eyes. Randall had almost seemed flirty with her. Almost.

  And she? She’d almost forgotten that he wanted her to cook and clean for him and his siblings.

  After rapping on the door twice, her grandmother opened her door. “Elizabeth, what happened?”

  “Randall said he was sorry, and so I’m going to go back over there in an hour.”

  “You don’t fear that you’re making a mistake?”

  “Oh, I’m fairly sure going back over to the Beilers’ is going to be a big mistake. But I’m still going to go.”

  “Care to explain yourself?”

  “Not really.”

  Her grandmother leaned against the doorjamb, her arms folded across her chest. “Care to answer me again?”

  “Mommi, the Beilers are paying me good money, and we can use it.”

  “No paycheck is worth your heartache.”

  “You’re a dear, but I need to do this.”

  Worry creased her grandmother’s brow. “I will write your mother today and explain to her that we still need her assistance.”

  “Please don’t. It’s not necessary.”

  “It is, child. I know the reason you aren’t working somewhere full-time is so you can look after me.” Her voice started to quiver. “Sometimes I can’t even believe how much trouble I’ve become.”

  Oh, but it was hard to hear her grandmother speak like that, especially since she was the one person Elizabeth had always been able to count on. “Don’t talk like that, Mommi.”

  “It’s true.”

  “All that’s happened is you’ve gotten older. Never are you trouble.” She sighed, then admitted the truth. “I’m not going back only for the money. I’m going for personal reasons, too.”

  “Oh, I am sure that you are.”

  Elizabeth really hated when her grandmother was smug. “Randall’s little sister is having a time of it, I’m afraid.”

  “That girl has a whole lot of siblings to look out for her.”

  “All right, fine. Mommi, even though it’s going to be difficult, I need to return to their haus in order to face things with Randall,” she at last admitted. At last admitted what she didn’t even want to admit in her heart. “In spite of everything, I still have feelings for him.”

  Mommi sighed and straightened. “I was afraid of that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have a feeling that Randall Beiler still has feelings for you, too.”

  Immediately, her cheeks burned. “It doesn’t matter if he does or he doesn’t. But we need to settle things between us. Become friends again. We can’t simply go around avoiding each other for the rest of our lives.”

  “If that is why you are going back, then I think you should. As much as I’d like to always protect you from hurt, allowing yourself to confront fears is for the best. We can’t move forward if we’re always revisiting the past.”

  “Danke, Mommi. I needed to hear that.” Feeling her eyes tear up, Elizabeth hugged her grandmother. “Now, I really better change clothes.”

  “All right. Um, Lizzie?”

  She paused. “Jah?”

  “Little girls like heart-shaped cookies. Take the cookie cutter and make some cookies with Kaylene.”

  Just thinking about all of Neil’s laundry alone made her shake her head. “Maybe another day. Cutouts take a lot of time. . . .”

  Her grandmother’s tone turned firm. “Elizabeth, listen to what I’m saying. That little girl needs heart cookies more than a clean bathroom. Make some cookies with her.”

  “All right, Mommi.” There was no way she was going to argue with her grandmother when she used that tone of voice!

  When Elizabeth was alone again, she pulled out her favorite raspberry-colored dress. After unpinning the dark blue one, she slipped on the fresh dress and began fastening it. For some unknown reason, she felt compelled to change dresses before going to the Beilers’ house to cook and clean. It was vanity, for sure and for certain.

  Definitely a mistake.

  But she couldn’t deny that looking fresh and pretty while in the Beiler house was important to her.

  Five minutes later, Elizabeth had a blue sweater on over her raspberry-colored dress and had one heart-shaped cookie cutter in her hand.

  “Lord, I hope you know what you’re doing,” she said as she started walking down her driveway. “Right at this minute, I feel like I’m Daniel entering the lion’s den. Woefully unprepared.”

  chapter eleven

  “Judith, I have to say that I haven’t seen you so blue in months,” her mother said when she bustled into the office at the back of their family’s store. “Not since you had your miscarriage.”

  Judith inwardly winced. What was it about her mamm? Somehow she was able to bring up even the toughest, most heart-wrenching subjects without a qualm! Of course, she also had a special way about her. Somehow she was able to broach those tough subjects in such a way that would encourage Judith to talk instead of run out of the room.

  “You’re right, Mamm. I haven’t been this blue since I lost the baby.” After taking a quick peek at James, she leaned back in her father’s favorite chair. She’d ostensibly come to the store hoping to help with inventory. Unfortunately, so far all she’d been able to do was stare into space and worry.

  That was a shame, too, because they needed the extra hands. Ben was out front working with her father. They were doing a booming business in rocking chairs these days, so her father spent much of the time on the front porch with customers.

  Pulling up an old stool, her mother asked, “Are you worried about losing James?”

  “Oh, jah. Of course I’m upset about that. But Mamm, there’s buckets of other things running through my mind, too. I keep wondering what James’s life will be like if he does leave us. Do you think he will be happy?”

  “I can’t think of a reason why he wouldn’t be. You and Ben aren’t the only people wanting to adopt babies, you know.”

  Ouch! There again was another of her mother’s matter-of-fact, homespun statements, hidden under the guise of careful concern. Judith had a feeling her mother was peppering their conversations with them on purpose. Probably to remind Judith that she wasn’t the only person going through heartache. “I hear what you’re saying. And I realize that I�
��m not the only person in the world going through such struggles. But . . . James, he’s so young now. I bet if he gets taken away, he’ll never even remember Ben and me.”

  The moment she finally said what was in her heart, the lump in her throat that she’d been trying so hard to will away returned with a vengeance.

  Carefully setting down the Amish doll she was hand stitching—another of their top sellers—her mother considered her words. “Do you truly need James to remember living in your home?”

  “I shouldn’t, but I do.” Glancing into the baby carrier again, where he was still soundly asleep, she said, “He’s been important to me, Mamm. I know I’ll never forget him. I know it’s selfish, but I want to matter to him, too.”

  “You certainly matter to him now.”

  She mattered because she saw to his basic needs. But perhaps there was more to motherhood than merely taking care of bottles and diapers? “Is it wrong to want to matter to him for a lifetime?”

  “Nee. But perhaps you are being a little too anxious about things you don’t need to worry about just yet. Each of us makes a difference in other people’s lives, Judith. Think of the stone that gets thrown into a quiet pond. Those ripples span out in all directions, remember?”

  “I hear you, Mamm.” Yes, she did hear her mother. Yet she couldn’t help but be disappointed by all the folksy sayings she was hearing. She needed something more personal from her mother.

  After giving her a long, meaningful look, her mother picked up her needle and thread. “What you are experiencing happens to everyone, Judith. It’s a mother’s lot to let her children go.”

  “Even for you?”

  “Even for a mother of seven,” she said with a sad smile. “It’s hard to let them grow up and make their own decisions.”

  “I think it’s hard because James is just a baby. He’s not old enough to make these decisions. Someone is doing it for him.”

  “You’re right, dear. It’s different for you. And that will be hard. Terribly hard.” She shrugged. “But letting him go is what might happen. You should prepare yourself.”

  “I thought you’d be more sympathetic, Mamm.”

  “I am sympathetic, but I also feel that I should remind you that all of what has been happening isn’t your plan. You wouldn’t have asked for a miscarriage, or fostering a prisoner’s baby, or even facing the possibility that you may not be the adoption service’s choice to be a child’s mother.”

  “All of it has been beyond my control.”

  “Indeed, it has. But it’s the Lord’s plan and not yours. Ain’t so?”

  “Jah.”

  “If you believe that, then you also need to understand that for some reason, the Lord decided that little James was destined to be born into a mighty confusing situation. Don’t forget that James didn’t ask for this, either. He is who we need to keep mindful of.”

  Watching her mother carefully stitch the doll’s arm together, Judith nodded slowly. “You’re right.”

  “And Kendra? That woman is certainly facing her share of hurts! His poor mother is having to come to terms with her choices but also with the fact that she might not live much longer. And imagine how it must hurt her to not even have the baby’s father’s love or support. She’s been all alone.”

  “She does have a lot of burdens,” Judith agreed, feeling even more inadequate. Why did it always take her mother to put everything into perspective? Why couldn’t she have come to these realizations on her own? “Mamm, even thinking about someone not wanting to be involved in their child’s life makes me angry!”

  “I don’t blame you for thinking that. James’s father must be mighty selfish.”

  “During one of our visits, Kendra told Ben and me that James’s daed might have shown an interest in him if there was a chance he could get some money!”

  “My goodness!” Her mother looked just as shocked as Judith had felt.

  “That makes me glad he is not in the picture.”

  “What that man might not realize is that raising kinner is not for the weak of heart or spirit,” her mother said with a gentle smile. “Why, there have been times when an extra hundred dollars would have made raising you seven a bit easier.”

  Knowing her mother was half teasing, Judith said, “Why, Anson alone has to be worth two hundred dollars all on his own.”

  Chuckling, her mother nodded. “What that man should do is talk to folks about raising boys. I fear some of us might tell him so many troublesome stories that he’d want to run for his freedom.”

  Ben entered just as her mother was finishing her quip. “Are you two back here complaining about men?”

  “Not at all. Only about raising boys.” Judith grinned, unable to resist teasing him. “Boys can be challenging, you know.”

  “Because girls are so easy,” he said sarcastically. “I suppose you were a piece of cake at fifteen!”

  Primly, Judith folded her hands on her lap. “Of course I was.”

  “Is that true, Irene?”

  “She had her moments.” After a pause, she continued with a twinkle in her eye. “Of course, even little Maggie does.”

  “No she doesn’t.”

  Ben looked shocked, which made Judith start laughing in earnest. “You know Mamm only brought up sweet Maggie to tease you! Everyone in the family knows you think she has no faults.”

  “She doesn’t. At least none that I’ve seen anyway.” A smile was playing on his lips, too. But Judith wasn’t sure if that meant anything. Ben really did adore five-year-old Maggie Graber—and the feeling was mutual. Maggie spent hours in his company.

  At last she felt light of heart. “Thank you for the laugh, you two. It’s been too long since I laughed like that.”

  Walking over, Ben pressed his hands on her shoulders and squeezed them gently. “We need to remember to tease and joke a bit from now on, Judith. It’s going to be good medicine for whatever happens.”

  “I agree.”

  “Did you need something, Ben?”

  “Oh, I came in to tell you that Bernie just stopped by. We have a meeting with Kendra this Friday.”

  And just like that, the light mood dissipated.

  Everything was about to change, no matter what they wanted or how they acted. Change was inevitable.

  She was at the Beilers’ home to work. In order to get a paycheck. So she could help out Kaylene. And feed Levi something decent. No boy could live on beans, potatoes, and overcooked chicken forever.

  Yes. She was working here for all those reasons.

  Definitely not to be near Randall.

  Elizabeth hoped if she sternly gave herself those reminders often enough she might actually believe them.

  At the moment, at least, it certainly did feel as if she was in the house to cook and clean. No one else was around and she was mopping, her all-time least favorite household chore. Leaning down, she squeezed the vinegar-water mixture out of the rag mop, then returned to doing her best to remove what looked like months’ worth of dirt and grime.

  It seemed that no one in the Beiler household enjoyed mopping much, either, she thought more than a little bitterly. The floors were a mess.

  She was almost finished when the front door burst open. Luckily, she was right there to block everyone’s path. “Halt!”

  The lot of them froze. “What’s going on, Lizzie?” Levi asked.

  “I’m mopping. Actually, I’ve been mopping and mopping . . . and then mopping some more! So much that I’m startin’ to wonder if any of you even know how a mop works.”

  “That’s not fair,” Levi said.

  “It feels fair to me. You’ve let this floor practically get the best of you.” Feeling vaguely like a nagging mother, she said, “Which is why you boys must take off those shoes before you step one foot on this floor.”

  Micah’s brows rose over the top of his eyeglasses. “Did you just call me a boy?”

  “I did.” Resting both hands on the top of the mop, she looked sternly at the th
ree of them. “Do you have a problem with that?”

  “Ah, not at all.” With economical motions Micah bent down, pulled on his laces, and then stepped out of his boots. “May I come in now?” He held up a sock-clad foot. “My socks are clean, I promise.”

  “You may.” She waved her hand to Neil and Levi, too. “All of you need to take off your boots and leave them outside if you insist on coming in.”

  “Seriously?” Levi asked.

  “Of course I am serious. Why, look at this floor. Notice anything different about it?”

  All three men gazed at it. “Um, it’s wet?” Levi asked around a dimpled smile, just as cheeky as ever.

  “Good job, Levi. It is wet, and by the looks of things, that is an unfamiliar occurrence. If you must come in, come in. Otherwise, I’d rather you wait until it dries and I get the rest of the floors clean.”

  “And how long will that be?”

  “Not too long. I’m almost finished, but then it needs to dry completely.” Since she also wanted to wipe down some of the worst corners, she shrugged. “It will only be an hour at the most.”

  “An hour?” When each of them looked crestfallen, Elizabeth found herself having to bite her lips so she didn’t smile. “Is this a problem?”

  “Kind of,” Levi said. “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.”

  Now smiling was no longer an option. She giggled. “Walk carefully, Levi.”

  “Danke, Elizabeth,” he murmured before racing up the stairs.

  As the other two men stood in place, she sighed. “Do you two need to go to the bathroom, too?”

  Neil shook his head. “Nee. But I’d still like to go to the kitchen.”

  “Me, too,” Micah said. “And I need to change clothes.”

  Just then Elizabeth noticed that his pants were coated in mud—mud that could drip on her clean floor. “Micah, what in the world did you get into?”

  His cheeks colored. “I don’t think you want to know.”

  Neil grinned. “We got a new calf today. Micah helped deliver it.”