Joyful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “That is not something I am good at. I’d love to see some of your work. What do you like to do? Draw? Paint?”

  “Draw.” She took a deep breath. “But we’re learning about the food chain. Want to hear all about it?”

  “Of course.”

  Elizabeth let Kaylene’s stories about school and foxes hunting rabbits float over her as she continued to fry up the chicken and place it all on a pile of old newspapers, just like her grandmother used to do back when she could see better and Elizabeth was a little girl.

  “Want to hear about sea animals next? ’Cause I didn’t know this, but seals eat a lot of fish.”

  “I want to hear all about everything,” she teased.

  Off Kaylene went again, telling all sorts of stories about seals and plankton, Orca whales and abalone. The nine-year-old wasn’t talking in any special order. Instead, she seemed content to share as many random facts as possible.

  And Elizabeth, who was so used to spending much of her day in silence, ate up the stories.

  When the last of the chicken was done, Elizabeth made Kaylene some hot chocolate, then, to the little girl’s delight, hopped up on the counter next to her.

  “What are you going to do if everyone sees you up here?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’ll see if they’re upset about me being up here. If they are, I’ll make up an excuse.”

  “What kind of excuse?”

  “Maybe I’ll say there’s a bug down there?” she teased.

  “They won’t think that’s a gut reason.”

  “You can help me think of one.”

  “Maybe we saw a rat?”

  In spite of their silly conversation, Elizabeth found herself shuddering. “I don’t even want to joke about something like that.”

  Kaylene giggled. “I suppose not.” After a pause, her voice turned soft. “Hey, Elizabeth?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Is Randall really going to be okay, do you think?”

  “I think so. The doctors wouldn’t have allowed him to come home if they didn’t think he was going to be okay. If they were worried, they would have asked him to stay at the hospital overnight.”

  “He fell at his work site, you know,” Kaylene said importantly. “And not only did he break his leg, but he had to get stitches, too. Maybe the doctors are wrong.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “But he is really hurt.”

  “Yes. But then the Lord looked out for him. The other construction men called for an ambulance, and He provided gut doctors and nurses to check on him. Now Randall simply needs to rest and heal.”

  After peeking around to see if any of her siblings were around, Kaylene said, “I’m not supposed to worry, but I was kind of afraid something was going to happen to him.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  She averted her eyes. “You know.”

  A slow, sinking feeling settled inside Elizabeth. Remembering how inconsolable she’d been when her own father had died, and how everyone had cautioned her to not talk to her mamm about it, she said slowly, “Kay, are you afraid Randall is going to die?”

  Her eyes got wide. “Uh-huh. My parents died, you know. Both of them. My mamm died right after she had me.”

  “I know. But that wasn’t your fault. You don’t think it was, do you?”

  She shook her head. “I used to, but Junior told me over and over that it wasn’t my fault.”

  “He was right.”

  “Junior said that no one thought anything was wrong with my mamm, but then she died.” In a soft voice, she added, “You never know what is going to happen.”

  Elizabeth would have given anything for Junior to be right there with them. Even she knew that this was the kind of thing that Junior had always handled in that calm, competent way of his.

  But since it was just the two of them she decided to say what was in her heart. Twenty years had taught her that erring on the side of trying to do the right thing was always better than being afraid to do anything.

  “That’s why we have Jesus, Kaylene. We have Him so we don’t have to wonder about what will happen in the future, because we know that He will take care of everything.”

  “Do you really believe that?”

  No one had ever asked her about her faith before. Oh, someone might have asked if she believed in God when she was little. Or folks had asked her about being Amish.

  But as far as asking about what was in her heart? Asking if she actually believed all the things she’d been taught to be true?

  Little nine-year-old Kaylene was the very first.

  “I really do,” she replied softly, surprising herself with the emotion behind her words. Suddenly, it was as if the Lord himself was reminding her that He’d always been with her. And through everything she’d been through, from her father passing away to her mother falling in love with another man and ultimately moving away . . . to bearing the responsibility of her grandmother and yes, having her heart broken by Randall . . .

  Through it all, she’d felt a wealth of emotions. She had felt discouraged and worried and hurt. But her faith had never wavered.

  Feeling more sure of herself, she said, “I don’t believe that God ever forgets us, or makes bad things happen because we did something wrong or we weren’t good enough.”

  “Then how come I’ve lost lots of people?”

  “I don’t know,” Elizabeth said, choosing each word with care. “It’s the way of the world, I suppose. We are supposed to outlive our parents. That means every one of us loses our parents at one time or another. I don’t know of a person who said losing a mother or father was easy.” She sighed. “I don’t know why you had to lose them so early, Kaylene. Only God knows that. All I do know is that while the Lord took your parents far too young, He also gave you a great big family who truly cares about you. And that is a blessing in itself.”

  “Everyone’s been leaving me. Even Junior.”

  “Do you really think he has?”

  “Uh-huh. He moved away. He wanted to go live with Miriam.”

  “It’s the way of the world for everyone to start their own lives, too,” she said softly. “Don’t you think?”

  “But I didn’t want him to leave me. Even though he moved away it feels like he left me for good.”

  “I heard he also asked if you wanted to go live with him. Is that true?”

  “Uh-huh. But I didn’t think I should say yes.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he loves Miriam now and they’re gonna have a boppli.”

  “What does that have to do with you saying yes?”

  Kaylene bit her lip and hesitated.

  Sensing that whatever was going through the little girl’s mind needed to be shared, Elizabeth pushed a bit. “You can tell me anything, Kay. I won’t judge.”

  “I said no ’cause I don’t think Junior loves me like he used to,” she finally replied in a rush.

  “I happen to know he still loves you very much.”

  “But he has Miriam now.”

  “God made our hearts pretty big, Kaylene. I happen to know that there’s room in our hearts to love more than one person.”

  “You think so?”

  Kaylene looked so skeptical, Elizabeth squeezed her shoulders. “Of course I do. I mean, look at you and me. I’m an only child. But you have seven siblings. Do you love all your brothers and sisters?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Well, is your heart better and bigger because you have more siblings and I don’t have any? Do you think I can only love a little bit?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Of course not.”

  “Then why can’t Junior love Miriam and you?”

  “He’s going to have a baby.”

  “Babies aren’t too big. I bet he could fit a baby in his heart, too.”

  As she’d hoped, Kaylene giggled again.

  “Dear, this might not be my place to say it, but I think you are making a mountain out of a molehi
ll. I promise things aren’t as bad as you seem to believe.”

  “Maybe not.”

  “Definitely not. After all, I did make fried chicken. And I make really good fried chicken. Some of the best around.”

  “Maybe Randall will want some?”

  “Maybe. Or some soup. Are you ready to take a peek inside Randall’s room now?”

  “Jah.”

  “Gut.” After hopping down, Elizabeth turned and helped Kaylene down. “Go down the hall, peek in, and if he’s awake, pay him a visit.”

  She bit her bottom lip. “He might not want my company.”

  “You’re right, he might not. Or . . . he might. He might be grumpy like one of those polar bears you were talking about. But he is going to be okay. I feel certain the Lord is looking out for him right this minute.”

  chapter nineteen

  When Pippa sat down with both Bud and Miguel at one of the front tables in the restaurant, she made sure to face the door that led to the kitchen. She not only wanted to keep tabs on the dining room, but she figured if things got out of hand she could signal to one of the girls to help her out.

  Her only consolation was that Miguel and Bud looked just as uneasy. They were seated at a square table, Miguel and Bud across from each other, and her on one side between them. Neither was looking directly at the other or at her. The tension emanating was a tangible thing—she felt like she was sitting with two strangers instead of the man she used to be married to and the man who had recently become a good friend.

  “So, what did you want to talk about?” she asked impatiently. She was more than ready to have this little impromptu meeting over and done with.

  To her surprise, it was Bud who started the conversation. “Miguel stopped me on the way to my car and asked me to stop seeing you.”

  “How did he even know we were seeing each other?”

  “I told him.”

  “What?”

  “Pippa, I wanted everything to be out in the open.”

  She understood that. Kind of. But bringing Miguel to her restaurant? “If you had called, I would have asked you not to bring him.”

  “I decided to take a risk.”

  “I’m sitting right here, you know,” Miguel said.

  She exhaled. “We are divorced. You can no longer tell me what or what not to do.”

  “But that doesn’t mean I want to see my friend and you together.”

  She felt helpless. “What do you want me to say, Bud?”

  “Not a thing. Actually, all I want you to do is listen to what I’m about to tell Miguel.” Before Miguel could interrupt, Bud continued, his voice firm. “It’s like this,” he said. “For years, we’ve known each other and have been good friends. You met Pippa first. And because of that, I stayed to one side when you asked her out. But I knew even back then that I liked her.”

  Pippa was floored. “You did?”

  He cast an embarrassed smile her way. “I did.”

  “I never knew.”

  “I couldn’t let you know. You were with Miguel.”

  “That’s right,” Miguel interjected. “She was mine.” He glared at her. “Don’t you even start pretending that you didn’t love me. We said vows.”

  “I did love you. But even back then I wasn’t sure.” She couldn’t even believe she was admitting this now! “But, Miguel, it had to be as obvious to you as it was to me that things weren’t progressing like they should. Instead of becoming closer when we got married, we drifted apart.”

  “You were always working.”

  “And you were always with your friends.”

  “And Bud was one of them.”

  “I wasn’t married to her. You can’t blame me for your actions.”

  All of this talking was well and good, but she sure wasn’t eager to rehash everything that had already been said a dozen times. “Are we done?”

  Bud shook his head. “Just give me a sec,” he said gently. “Miguel, I’m telling you now that I intend to keep seeing Pippa as long as she’ll have me. You are going to need to learn to accept that.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “Then I’ll move, and we won’t be friends anymore.”

  “You’d do that, Bud?” Pippa could hardly believe what he was saying. It was beyond anything she could have imagined, certainly beyond anything she imagined anyone saying to her.

  Bud looked at her directly and kept looking at her, even though Miguel was looking more furious by the second. “Yeah. I passed up my chance once before. I’m not about to pass it up again.”

  Miguel surged to his feet. “I don’t have to sit here and listen to this.”

  Bud got to his feet, too. “You’re right, you don’t. But you do have to honor Pippa’s choices.”

  Miguel shook his head slowly. “You’re asking too much of me, Bud.”

  “You need to calm down.”

  “I can’t calm down. How did you think I was going to react? You were my friend.”

  Bud stiffened. “Were?”

  “If you continue to see Pippa, I want you to know that our friendship is over.”

  “You’re being unreasonable.”

  “No, you are being a child.” He mumbled a couple of choice Spanish words under his breath—words that Pippa sincerely hoped no one else in the restaurant could understand. “I don’t know what you thought was going to happen here. I have no idea how you thought I was going to react.”

  And with that, he turned and walked out of the restaurant without another word.

  Bud sighed as he sat down. “Well, that went well,” he said dryly.

  As Pippa became aware that they’d drawn quite an audience, she pressed her hands to her face. “I can’t even believe this all just happened,” she mumbled. “I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to see Miguel again anytime soon.”

  “Please don’t be mad at me. I wanted everything out in the open.”

  “I’m not mad.”

  “I wouldn’t blame you if you were. But it had to be done, Pippa.”

  “Did it? I don’t even know what to think right now. I’m not even sure if I know how I feel.” She shrugged.

  “Pippa, I don’t want to sneak around with you. I don’t want there to be any confusion, either. I want to date you. I’m serious about you.”

  Those were words she would have loved to have heard when she was young. Even two years ago, back before things with Miguel had gotten so bad, she probably would have reacted to Bud’s sweet words differently than she was at the moment.

  Now? She felt too cynical. Too tired. She’d learned the hard way that words were easy to say. Sometimes, it was actions that mattered.

  But that was exactly what Bud had done. He’d gotten them all together, and had been willing to have her face Miguel in order for her to see just how serious he was about their relationship.

  “I guess I’m feeling a little stunned, if you want to know the truth.”

  Bud winced. “That wasn’t quite the reaction that I was hoping for.”

  “To be honest, I’m feeling a lot of things. So much, I don’t even trust myself. But I’ll give you this, you are full of surprises.”

  To her amusement, he seemed pleased by that. “I’ll take stunned. Please, just don’t be too mad at me.”

  She thought about it for a moment. Was she mad? It certainly seemed like she should be! But, actually, what she was feeling had a lot more to do with regrets than anger. She wished she had known about Bud being interested in her before she and Miguel had gotten so serious. She wished she had known that he would have stood up for her, placed her first in his life before now.

  Correction: She wished she had believed that there were men like him before she’d made such a mess of her life.

  But if there was one thing she did know, it was that she would never regret what had just happened. Not even for one minute.

  “I’m not mad.”

  “Will you still let me take you home?”

  The question hung in
the air. She wanted to grasp it, but was afraid if she moved forward she was going to want more and more.

  Setting herself up to be disappointed. Or maybe, just maybe . . . she was also setting herself up to be happy.

  “Let me go get my purse and tell everyone good-bye,” she said as she stood up. “Then, I’ll be ready to leave with you.”

  “Good. That’s real good, Pippa.”

  Funny, she felt the same exact way.

  chapter twenty

  Hours later, after making fried chicken, a green salad, mashed potatoes, and a corn casserole for supper . . .

  After joining the Beiler boys, Kaylene, and her grandmother at the table and quickly eating a generous slice of dried apple pie topped off by a too-big scoop of vanilla ice cream . . .

  And after laughing with Levi at the sink while he helped her with the dishes, and chiding Neil for sneaking another slice of pie . . .

  Elizabeth collapsed on the couch in the hearth room. Glad they kept such a casual house, she propped her feet on the coffee table and silently vowed to herself that she wouldn’t move until it was time to get ready for bed.

  When Micah walked by, a textbook and spiral notebook in his hands, he smiled. “You look comfortable.”

  “I am. Ah, you don’t mind my feet on the table, do you?”

  “You know how we live. Do you think we’d ever mind that?”

  She laughed. “That’s why I went ahead and did it.”

  “If you keep making supper like you did tonight, you can do pretty much whatever you want.”

  “I won’t tell Randall you said that.”

  He grinned. “Gut. I need to do a little reading. Do you mind some company?”

  “I don’t mind. But it is your haus, Micah. You don’t need to ask me.”

  Micah tilted his head. “You know what? I was just thinking about that.”

  “Oh?”

  He tossed his books on the coffee table and plopped down on the big leather recliner across from her. “You and Anna Mae gave us something special tonight.”

  “Micah. I made fried chicken. That isn’t too special.”

  “We both know I’m talking about you making this big house feel like a home. It was nice.”

  “Danke. I’ve already talked to Neil about this, but I really am grateful you didn’t mind my grandmother coming here, too.”