by Bella Jewel
Kendric looks at me finally. Days I’ve been trying to talk to him with no luck but today he finally makes eye contact. The look he gives me has my skin prickling. “I don’t like you, Zariah. I don’t fuckin’ trust you. I don’t want you anywhere near this case. Do you fuckin’ understand me? You are a cop, and cops are fuckin’ dirty.”
“She’s not, you know she’s not,” Alarick growls.
Kendric looks back to him. “You really goin’ to let a cop keep fuckin’ us, brother? You know we’re skatin’ on thin ice right now. One wrong move and the cops are goin’ to take down the fuckin’ club. They’ve got their eyes all over it. You gotta know that.”
“What I know is that we’re keepin’ our noses clean. You don’t need to worry about how I fuckin’ run my club, you need to worry about how the fuck you’re goin’ to clear your name. We need her help to do that, and you fuckin’ know it.”
Alarick jerks a thumb in my direction, and Kendric leans over the table a little, palms pressed against it, jaw tight. “Do not fuckin’ tell me what I do and do not know. You were not there the night she let them treat me like a fuckin’ dog.”
“I had no choice!” I yell, frustrated. “I have a career, a job, people that depend on me too, Kendric. I couldn’t just give it all up. I will get your justice, you have to believe that.”
“The way they treated me was fuckin’ vile!” Kendric roars. “You stood back and let them do it.”
“I was scared!” I bark back. “I was scared because you’re not the only one who can go down for this, you’re not the only one who doesn’t trust a single person around you. I don’t know who is good and who isn’t anymore, and out there, in the woods alone with them, I wasn’t about to risk everything. I have a son.”
“Go fuck yourself,” Kendric seethes. “Go to fuckin’ hell.”
I jerk at his words, and my heart feels like it explodes in my chest. I take a shaky breath and try to calm my nerves, but they’re sparking left right and center, making my entire body feel like it’s going to just burst right open. I can’t take the pressure and immediately shove the chair back and stand before I say or do something I will regret.
“I want to leave,” I whisper to Alarick.
Alarick stands and looks to Kendric. “It ain’t her fault, brother.”
“Isn’t it?” Kendric hisses. “She’s meant to protect the innocent, meant to rid the world of scum and make it a better place. She’s meant to be honest and fuckin’ good. She was none of those things when those cops did what they did. She was fuckin’ weak.”
That hurts, it hurts so god damned much because he’s right.
I was weak.
I could have defended him.
Could have fought.
But, instead, I stood there—I stood there and let them hurt him, let them treat him like a dog.
I could have reported them. I could have told them to stop.
I could have done anything other than what I did.
I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.
Every damned day, it’ll torment me.
Which is exactly what he wants.
2
ZARIAH
I arrive home exhausted after my visit with Kendric at the prison. It didn’t go anything like I would have hoped, and if anything, I feel a whole lot worse right now. I know I deserve his wrath, but if he isn’t going to let me help him then we’re never going to find Dax and get him out of this.
I get out of my car as I pull into my drive and see Reece standing at my front door. No matter how many times I lay eyes on that man, I feel the same thing deep in my chest. A range of broken emotions wrapped up with confused cotton wool and finished off with a terrified bow. He makes me feel things I can’t even begin to understand, and that scares me. It scares me more than I’ll ever admit to another human being.
I should walk away, yet I find myself drawn to his toxic love.
Drawn to him in a way that isn’t healthy.
I’m a cop, I should know better, and yet here I am ... Weak.
“What are you doing here, Reece?” I ask, walking up to the front door where he’s leaning, waiting for my return.
His eyes study me and, as always, I shudder. Not in repulsion, but not exactly in excitement either. It’s my body’s weird way of acknowledging just how dangerous he is, and yet at the same time it wants his touch.
I hate it for that.
Hate it.
When you don’t have your own back, how are you supposed to protect yourself?
“You look troubled.”
His words come out low and husky, in a voice that I once loved so very much.
He pushes off the door and steps toward me, reaching out a hand. I flinch away, but he catches me by the back of the neck and holds me firmly enough that I can no longer pull back. He knows that I won’t fight, not right now at least.
I have, though.
I’ve fought, and I’ve won.
I’ve fought, and I’ve lost.
It never ends the same.
That’s what’s so scary about him.
About all of it.
Reece’s eyes travel over my face, reading me in a way I’ve never been able to understand. I can hide nothing from him. Nothing at all. He knows me so well, it’s terrifying. In front of him, I’m like an open book. Pages flapping in the breeze, words scrawled everywhere. I meet his slate-grey eyes and swallow.
Reece is gorgeous, in a way that is deceiving. It makes you think he’s kind and loving and beautiful, but he’s none of those things. He’s dangerous and dark and very, very twisted. His blond hair is messy atop his head, and he sports a beard that is not too long, not too short. Just perfect, really. His jaw is chiseled, his mouth is full, and his skin is olive.
He’s big and muscled, but his skin is clean of any ink, unlike someone like Kendric.
He is clean cut and yet incredibly dirty.
Not in the kind of way you’d expect, either.
No, his skin is clean. It’s his soul that’s dirty.
“What’s upsetting you?”
I pull my face away from his. “Can we not do this right now? I thought we agreed that this is over and we’re going to avoid each other unless it has to do with Jayden.”
I unlock the front door and step inside—I know he’ll follow me. I also know I won’t tell him not to.
I can never say no.
That’s the scariest part.
“You decided it was over,” he tells me, walking in as anticipated. “I never agreed to that.”
I turn to face him. “I told you, this relationship ... It’s toxic. We’re not going to keep going on with it. I’m protecting my son.”
And myself.
Reece steps forward, running the back of his hand down my cheek, making me shiver. “I’m different. I’ve gotten help. I won’t hurt you anymore, Zariah.”
“Sorry if I don’t believe that,” I whisper, because that’s what happens when he’s touching me—my voice forgets who it is.
“I can’t prove it to you if you won’t give me a chance.”
“I’ve given you chances.”
“Don’t you love me anymore?”
I wish I could say no, I really do. But it wouldn’t be the truth. I do love him in the most twisted and broken way you can love someone. I crave his touch, I miss him when he’s not here, but I also know just how dangerous being with him is. He brings out the worst in me, a side I simply cannot accept. I become angry and violent and then when we’re having sex after we’ve hurt each other, I find myself craving more.
It’s a dangerous ride to be on, and it’s not the life I want for my son.
He’s never hurt Jayden, never laid a hand on Jayden, and he’s a good dad where it counts. He loves his son, he protects his son, he gives him a stable relationship.
He just can’t give me the same.
“You know that I do,” I say, my voice small.
Weak.
Pathetic.
“Then let me come back home, let me prove to you that I’ve changed.”
“We’ve tried this, Reece. We’ve gotten help, we’ve tried to change, and we always end up right back where we began. It’s toxic. I don’t want it.”
“I’m not giving up, Zariah. I’m not. I know you want me, and I know you’re not going to just let this be over.”
I swallow.
I want to scream.
I want to tell him I do want it to be over, that this is nothing.
But I can’t say those words.
I can’t.
“Please,” I breathe.
He leans in, his lips brushing over mine. The way his stubble scratches my cheek makes everything inside my body come alive. The way he tastes makes my whole world spin. I want him, he knows I want him, and it’s very, very hard for me to stop what I know will happen if I don’t step away now.
He’ll fuck me, because Reece doesn’t make love.
He’ll fuck me so good I’ll forget all the bad.
I crave his touch. I crave his cock. I crave everything about him.
He knows that.
He uses that.
He exploits that.
I can’t allow any more of that kind of horror in my world.
I have to say no.
His tongue gently touches mine, and I can’t hold back. Even though I know I have to.
I let myself go and kiss him; I kiss him with a ferocity that I didn’t know was possible.
I moan when his hands grab my ass and he backs me up toward the wall, slamming my body against it.
I whimper when his mouth finds my neck and he bites at it, making me ache.
His hand finds my pussy and the front door swings open. He lets me go and releases me with a swift movement that is rather impressive. It’s as if he was never near me to begin with.
A close friend and babysitter, Alaina, steps inside with Jayden. She watches him on the days I can’t get him into daycare. He loves her, and she lives just over the road, so it makes it easy. She’s a little younger than me, not by much, and she’s such a nice girl.
“Oh,” she squeaks when she sees the position Reece and I were just in. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you had a visitor.”
“It’s okay,” I say, giving her a smile.
“Hey, buddy!” Reece says, leaning down so Jayden can rush into his arms with a delightful cry.
He loves his daddy, and that makes it so much harder.
I watch as he ruffles his son’s hair and kisses his chubby cheeks, and my heart aches in a way I can never seem to understand.
“How are you, Reece?” Alaina asks, smiling at the exchange between his son and him.
“I’m good, how are you?”
“Wonderful. Jayden was a little gem today; he’s such a good boy.”
“Takes after his father.” Reece grins, pressing another kiss to his son’s cheek before turning to me. “Can I take him a day earlier?”
Reece has Jayden Friday to Sunday, and it works out well. I trust him, I know he’s safe with him, and I know that he loves his time there. I also hate having to give him up. I find it so hard to part with my little boy, even though it’s for the best.
I hesitate, and Reece’s eyes flash as he steps forward and tells me, “You can come too, if you like?”
“No,” I say, my voice a little scratchy. “No, I have to work. You can take him for the extra day. He has daycare tomorrow, though, don’t forget.”
Reece nods.
I turn and disappear to grab Jayden’s things.
Every step brings a new ache to my heart.
This is too much sometimes, even for me.
“ZARIAH!”
I exhale over the stack of papers I’ve been given to work through because I’m treated like a god damned idiot at work even though I’ve passed all the same tests as the men. I’m not sure what it is about my department, but I know that no other women get treated the way I do. I’ve applied for a transfer, but without good reason, I’m not sure I’ll get one. I mean, if I go and tell them that they treat me the way they do, I’m probably going to get laughed at.
I look up from my desk to see Officer Reginald Carson walking in. He’s middle aged, but well-built and handsome. He’s also a giant dick. He makes my life here super hard, even more so than Bennett used to. The two of them were close, and I have more than a little suspicion he too is involved in the Dax case, but proving it is next to impossible, especially now he knows we’re investigating it.
He’ll be squeaky clean; I know there is no point in even try to find something on him.
He’s too smart.
“Yes?” I answer, my voice tight.
I wish I didn’t have to answer him, I wish I could kick him right in the god damned balls, but he’s higher than me and, right now, alongside of Blart, he’s my supervisor.
If I want to keep my job, which I do, then I have to do as I’m told.
“We got a disturbance downtown. A domestic. You can go.”
“I’m busy, Carson,” I mutter. “I literally have a thousand papers here because none of you are capable of doing them yourselves.”
He leans over my desk, a big smile on his stupidly handsome face. “Well, you’re going to have a late one then, aren’t you? Now go.”
Fuck me.
I stand up and grab my badge, gun, and belt. I strap it on and give him a look that tells him exactly what my mouth cannot. That I hate him and wish he’d walk outside and get hit by the closest god damned bus.
“Now, now, Zariah, there’s no need to give me those looks.” He chuckles, turning and walking out of the office.
Jackass.
I get my things, get in my car, and attend the disturbance which is just a drunk couple fighting because he wouldn’t agree to watch what she wanted on the television. They got into a fight, screamed at one another, and the neighbors called the police. After sorting it out and issuing a warning, I am back on my way to the stack of papers that are forever piling up on my desk.
I want in on a case.
I’ve been here long enough.
I’ve done the hard work.
But they will not put me on a decent case. They continue to keep me locked out of anything good, which is part of the reason I decided to work with the club. It’s a risk to everything, but it also gave me a chance to do what I have always dreamed of doing—investigating and solving a decent case.
I start contemplating that transfer again, but that means Jayden would be away from his father, and I’d be away from my friends. I can’t do that to him.
God damn it, there are so many days I wish I was a whole lot more selfish.
I finish up my day with two drunk and disorderly calls, another domestic, and a one-person car accident because the girl was texting and driving. It’s all part of the job, I understand that, but I’m becoming tired of the same old thing, on the same old days. I’d do anything for more adventure, more excitement.
Anything but this.
Heading home to face another weekend alone makes my heart ache. I miss Jayden when he isn’t around, but mostly I miss who I used to be. The fun, free-spirted, wild girl who enjoyed her life and had so many dreams. Those dreams feel a whole lot more like a distant memory now. With Waverly in New York, I don’t even have her to fall back on.
It’s just me.
I hate that.
I really need to get my shit together.
My phone rings just as I arrive at the store to get something for dinner, because when Jayden isn’t around, groceries and I don’t seem to get along all that well. I am tired after work and often can’t think of anything worse than going to the store. But, here I am.
I see Alarick is calling and quickly stop what I’m doing to answer it.
“Hey,” I say, my voice a little puffed from storming up and down the aisles pushing an empty cart because I can’t decide what I want to eat.
“Zariah, where are you?”
“At the
store, why?”
“Kendric has been let out today; we’ve paid bail. His court date has been set for two months from now. That’s all the time we have to get this sorted. Cohen has found some interesting information. Are you around?”
“I can be,” I say, abandoning my empty cart and rushing out of the store. “I’ll be there in five.”
Alarick hangs up, and I get into my car, feeling my spirit rise just a little at the thought of some new information, something to chase, something to work with. I’ve been desperate for a break in this case but, as of yet, I’ve not been able to find one on my own. Dax is good, he’s clever, and because they have Kendric who made a confession, they aren’t investigating it quite as heavily as they should be.
I arrive at the clubhouse in record time and get out of the car. I’m still in uniform, but I’ve toned it down, so to speak. I’m not lugging around a gun and a taser, and I’m not wearing a hat. I’ve replaced my boots with shoes and, as I walk into the clubhouse, I untuck my shirt because it’s bad enough to be walking in here when I’m a cop, but to walk in looking like one is even worse.
I find Alarick, Cohen, Kendric, and Briella standing by the bar, talking amongst themselves. Without hesitation, I walk over. Kendric, who looks like his gorgeous self now he’s back in his leathers, glances at me. He gives me a glare that makes my heart do a funny little flip. He hates me, god does he hate me. I can’t say I blame him, either. I let him down, and that wasn’t right. He deserved someone to help him that night, someone to be on his side, and I wasn’t.
“What the fuck did you call her for?” Kendric growls.
Well, I’m glad to see we’re still talking like I’m not in the room.
“Nice to see you too, Kendric,” I mutter, crossing my arms.
“She is helpin’ us. You gotta get the fuck over it, brother,” Cohen murmurs, giving Kendric a hard stare.
“She can’t be fuckin’ trusted. How do you know she’s not the one who was feedin’ information to Dax? It makes fuckin’ sense.”