“I don’t want to keep you out.” Wade wanted the exact opposite. Eli in, all the way in. “But I don’t—”
“We’re done fighting.” Eli held his gym bag and dropped it on the floor with a thud.
Air hiccupped in Wade’s lungs. The idea sounded right, but . . . “I don’t think it works that way.”
“It’s going to with us.” Eli kicked the bag to the side and widened his stance. Looked like he could do battle at any moment. “We can fight about stupid things, like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or whatever, but the fundamental things? No. Those get resolved here and now.”
Wade shook his head. “We can’t ignore them.”
“We’re not. We’re going to hit them head on and then finally let them go.”
Wade had no idea what that meant or how they would even begin to do something like that. But since Eli took the lead and he never stepped up and handled the hard emotional stuff without being forced to, Wade let a flicker of hope burst to life. “I’m listening.”
“Andy is a good guy and deserved better than me, but I never loved him.” Eli unbuttoned the top two buttons of his dress shirt, exposing the white tee underneath as he rambled on a topic that appeared to pop up out of nowhere. “The attraction is long gone for me and I can’t help and don’t care about whatever residual feelings he may still have for me.”
Wade wasn’t sure where this was going or how walking over this ground could help, but Eli was talking and Wade refused to stop that progress, small as it was. “Okay.”
“The harsh and difficult truth is I do sometimes miss the old job and suffer from this stupid nostalgia I have to beat back. Like some sort of fantasized version of what it really was.” Eli pinned Wade to the spot with a gaze filled with longing and a healthy dose of determination. “But I do not want to go back there, and no one—not even Jennings—can make me.”
The knot inside Wade’s stomach loosened. Not all the way, but the pain eased and he could suddenly hear over the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears. “You opened the door. You talked with Jennings.”
“I called and told him no. I did that before you walked into my office, by the way. That’s why the phone was on my desk.” Eli bent down and unzipped his bag and stood up with something in his hand. “This phone.”
The sight of it made Wade’s back teeth slam together with a hard click. “You still have it.”
Eli dropped it to the floor and it spun on the hardwood. He stopped it with the toe of his foot, then stomped on it. A grinding clomp that cracked and crushed it under his heel.
Wade moved away from the windowsill. Before he could say anything, Eli launched into a new comment. Wade didn’t know if he’d ever heard Eli talk this much, but he loved it. This Eli was unbound and on a mission, and since that mission seemed to be to hold them together, Wade could only silently cheer.
“One more thing on the Jennings issue.” Eli took another step, bridging the gap between them until only a few feet remained. “I said no because you are more important than any job. You are my future and I’m ready to get there.”
The words knocked Wade speechless for a second. The driving need he had for this man flooded him. Hearing him lay it all out in a clear, steady voice chipped away at the last of Wade’s defenses.
“I want to believe that.” Wade had never wanted anything as much in his life.
“I know you worry I’m leaving, but I’m not. That isn’t a hope I’m giving you; it’s a promise.” Only the barest of inches separated their bodies now. “We can wait a week, a month, a year, and what I feel for you, this kick-me-in-the-teeth, forever kind of need will not budge.”
“Eli, I—”
He took the final step to swallow up the space between them. “I fucking love you. All of you, until I’m knocked over and dragged under by it.”
The words tumbled out and Wade’s control slipped. Even if he wanted to stay detached he couldn’t. Being this close, inhaling Eli’s scent, touched off something inside him. Connections wove around him until he was sure he’d never be able to break free from Eli’s grasp.
“You are the thing I didn’t see coming and the only thing I can’t live without.” Eli’s hands went to Wade’s face, wrapped around his neck. “You can shove me away and try to protect yourself from the pain you fear is coming, but if you let me, trust me enough to show you, you’ll see just how strong my staying power is.”
Eli didn’t speak like a poem or make flowery promises. He stated his case and made a pledge, and Wade’s control shattered. All those promises about staying strong and aloof vanished. He didn’t need time or space. He needed one man, the same man who was skimming a hand down his back.
Between all the fighting and talking, Eli had hit upon the truth. Wade ran before Eli could do it first. The sick game where neither wanted to be hurt but both refused to say that sputtered to a stop. The days of hiding in pain were behind them, and they needed to turn that corner, this time together.
Eli dropped his head until his forehead rested against Wade’s. “Say something.”
The words didn’t come but the flow of emotions did. Wade shifted until his arms wrapped around Eli. Then they were kissing. Their mouths and hands moved. Eli guided their bodies until Wade’s back smacked against the wall.
When Wade finally lifted his head again, the world had shifted. It was as if the air realigned and everything snapped into focus. “I hate the part of who you are that may end up taking you from me.”
“There is no part of me that wants that.” Eli shook his head. “Not a single cell.”
Wade balanced his head against the wall behind him as his hands roamed. His fingertips toured over the tight muscles of Eli’s shoulders and arms. The feel of Eli brought all those needs winging back; all those promises he’d made to himself about not touching him disappeared in a puff of smoke.
This close, Wade could feel Eli’s hunger. They could not jump into bed and hope this would all go away, and he needed Eli to understand that.
“Don’t leave me.” The words came out and Wade just stood there, trying to believe they’d snaked out of him. He’d meant to talk about ground rules and promises. Instead, he’d blurted out the phrase that played in his head on an endless loop.
Wade wanted to take it all back and start over again. This time he’d find the right words and keep his emotions at bay.
A small smile tugged at the corner of Eli’s mouth as his hand slipped down Wade’s chest to the top of his pants. “I am yours. Forever.”
“Do you know what I’m saying?” Because Wade did not want one more misunderstanding or misconception between them. They’d suffered through enough.
“You love me and it would crush you if this ended.” Eli put a hand over Wade’s heart. “You’re trying to control everything that happens in the future so that you can make sure we’ll be happy.”
“It sounds asinine when you say it like that.” Wade shrugged, but his hands never left Eli’s body. They caressed and held as Eli made promises that pushed out the last few patches of darkness.
“Life is a moving target. I don’t know how many shots we have to get it right, but we need to keep trying.” Eli kissed Wade’s neck, then his throat. “And you are the only person—ever—who I want to make this dive with. Give me a chance to show you.”
Emotions spilled out of Wade then. Hope battled with longing. Fear slunk away, taking a good deal of dread with it.
He kissed Eli’s head and cheek. Stroked a hand over his back. “I’m sorry I made you leave.”
“I’ll never go again.” Eli pulled back slightly to stare at Wade. “I mean it. That was the last time you win that argument. You show me the door again and I will kick your ass . . . and then I’ll make it all better.”
Since he’d been two inches away from breaking down, Wade didn’t think he’d come out ahead on anything. “It wasn’t a win.”
“Good, because from now on I stay and fight. No matter what you say or d
o, you’re stuck with me.” Eli whispered the words against Wade’s ear. Licked his tongue around the edge.
Wade trembled as a mix of hope and excitement hit him from out of nowhere. One second, he’d convinced himself it was over with Eli and the cracks and fissures could not be fixed. The next it all fell away.
He tried to keep some sense of calm and his voice steady. “I can live with that.”
“Can you live with me touching you? Because I’m going to. A lot and mostly while naked,” Eli promised. The sound of Wade’s zipper screeched through the quiet room as Eli yanked it down. “We do this well, and if it’s what we need to do to hold us together while we review and fix the rest, fine.”
Wade pressed his nose against Eli’s hair and let the sensation of being this close to getting everything he wanted wash through him. They’d talked and Eli had made pronouncements.
Now it was Wade’s turn. “This love I have for you, crazy and fucked-up as it is, will not go away. Just so you know, you will not do the one thing that ticks me off and makes me go.”
Eli blew out a breath. “You might not like some parts.”
“I love every part.” And Wade meant that to his soul. Even the grumpy, difficult parts. “Which I could tell you about but I’d rather show you.”
Eli’s hand slipped past the elastic of Wade’s underwear. “With your mouth.”
“Hands, mouth, body.” Wade forced the words out over the pleasure crashing through him. “It all belongs to you.”
“Because I’m taken?”
Amusement hit Wade and he didn’t fight off the laugh. “You’re about to be.”
“Show me.”
***
Eli woke up hours later. He’d been on top of Wade, inside of him, for hours. They’d rotated through positions and touched every inch of each other. Wade had to be sore, because even Eli felt aches in places he didn’t expect.
The first streaks of morning sun peeked through the bedroom curtains. The usual twinge and second of blinding panic came back, but this time much weaker and fading. Memories of being kicked out of this condo mixed with memories of the good times.
He closed his eyes and thought about the movie they’d watched while wrapped up in each other’s arms on the couch. Flipped through a deck of images of all that happened in this bed.
That did it. Instead of running, Eli settled in.
He concentrated on the comforting band of Wade’s arm around his waist. Felt Wade’s front press against his back. The smell of his shampoo lingered on the pillows and the taste of him still danced on his tongue.
Eli was where he wanted to be. Not just in that moment, but forever.
“You okay?” The low rumble of Wade’s voice vibrated against the back of Eli’s neck.
He fought off a shudder and pushed back deeper into Wade’s hold instead. “I’m great.”
Before Eli could close his eyes and drift off again, he ended up on his back. The room spun and covers got trapped under his arm. When his eyes popped open he saw Wade leaning over him.
“You’re still here,” Wade said as his voice cleared from the haze of sleep.
That was what he’d promised and he would not go back on it now or ever. “Yes.”
Wade frowned. “I don’t get it. What changed?”
“Everything.”
Wade bent down and kissed Eli’s bare shoulder. “God, I’ve waited so long to hear that.”
“This time I brought a bag to stay over.” Eli pointed in the general direction of where he’d dropped it on the bedroom floor after he dragged it in there during the night.
“And next time?” Wade separated each word, as if weighing them as he talked.
“Maybe a suitcase. Then eventually a box.” Eli knew he should tread carefully and wait to be asked. There was a protocol to this sort of thing and he was bumbling his way through it, but he wanted Wade to know. Eli was ready to let the demons go and start a new life.
“You’re saying you’ll move back in.” Wade didn’t phrase it as a question, but the hint of confusion stayed in his voice.
Eli went back and forth, trying to figure out if he’d already blown it . . . Then he stopped. That negative thinking was what kept pulling them apart. Instead of analyzing and second-guessing, he was going to jump and go after what he wanted. In this case, to be with Wade as much as possible. “If I’m invited.”
Wade balanced on one elbow. Looked ready to find his jeans and keys and race out of there. “I’ll go get the rest of your stuff right now.”
The right words at the right time. It had taken them forever, and they’d gotten there. But Eli didn’t mind prolonging this part just a bit more.
He reached up with his hand behind Wade’s neck and brought his head down. Their lips almost touched and their bodies met from shoulder to thigh. It wouldn’t take long to rev them up and have them forgetting everything except touching each other again.
And that’s exactly what Eli planned. “I have better things to do this morning.”
Wade’s eyebrow lifted while his hand slipped beneath the sheet and down between Eli’s legs. “Like?”
“You.” Eli almost groaned when Wade’s hand covered him.
“You’re really staying.”
The wonder in Wade’s voice sobered Eli. He put both hands on Wade’s cheeks and held him steady. “I will stay forever if you let me.”
A smile spread across Wade’s face and just beamed. “I thought you’d never ask.”
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you, first and always, to my husband. You make every day better and never complain about my deadlines. Every writer needs a spouse like you.
My deepest gratitude to Leis Pederson for liking Elijah and Wade enough to want more, and to my agent Laura Bradford for making every part of my career run smoother.
An extra thank you to Jill Shalvis for supporting this series and me. Your early reads and our daily e-mails keep me sane.
And as always, thank you to Alison Kent, Wendy Duren, Kassia Krozser, Jill Monroe and Stephanie Feagan for listening.
Keep reading for a special preview of HelenKay Dimon’s next novel
MINE
Available from Berkley Heat October 2015
Chapter One
Tuesday at six-fifteen. That’s when Gabe MacIntosh’s patience officially expired.
He’d been listening to Natalie Udall argue her case for over an hour. The woman sure could talk. She sat in the office chair and swiveled the seat back and forth. Tapped her fingernails against the conference room table. Ignored the water bottle he put in front of her more than thirty minutes ago while she ignored every point he made. Treated him to her whole I’m-pissed-off routine while repeatedly making it clear she thought she was in charge.
Wrong.
“Are you almost done?” he asked, hoping to wrap up the discussion and move onto the protection part of program.
He had to get to work. Much more non-bodyguard time alone with her and it would be a race to see which one exploded first, his brain or his dick.
The whole mind-wandering thing was new to him. He’d never had trouble concentrating or staying focused during an operation. He’d been trained by the best. An untold amount of government money had been spent, years consumed, honing his skills and turning him into an ace sniper. He could hunker down in a field for hours with hostiles lurking nearby, almost stepping on him, and never make a sound. Not until he was ready. Not until he decided to unleash his fury and fire.
With her, something shifted. He noticed too much. Thought about her when he should have been thinking only about her safety. Everything reeled him in. The straight long blond hair he dreamed about wrapping around his hand while he entered her. The way her slight Southern accent slipped in when she rushed her words or got really pissed off. The first time he met her she wore a suit. The skirt hit just above her knees and had his brain misfiring as he dreamed about running his palms up those pale thighs. Wrapping those lean legs around his waist
.
No question the strong female type appealed to him. So did that body, fit yet curvy. Hips that would fit his hands. Every other part of her perfect for licking and tasting. He never fucked on a job. He viewed an assignment as just that, a file he memorized and a body he watched over. Emotionless and straightforward. With her he saw a woman, smart-mouthed, determined not to be a victim, competent and hard to scare.
So fucking hot.
But he’d been hired to protect her and that put her on the off-limits list . . . no matter what his dick thought. She’d left her black ops position with the CIA and stored an extraction agreement in a vault somewhere to prove it. The pages of legalese spelled out her rights and responsibilities, and acted as a supposed guarantee she would not be harmed.
They both knew better. A pile of papers wouldn’t stop some ticked-off asshole in power from taking her out. From deciding she knew too much or made a wrong move. She’d been brave and insistent and refused to take a seat when the idiot men in her office insisted she be quiet and blend in. That kind of shit made enemies. Which was why she needed him right now. Just for a short time.
Now to convince her of that.
He would watch her while his brother and the rest of his team looked for signs of an impending attack against her. Once they were convinced the contract would hold, she could go lead whatever life she wanted and he’d go back to the office or his next assignment. Simple and efficient. He’d played this game many times. Unfortunately, Natalie didn’t appear all that excited about her role as potential target.
As if she read his mind, she started talking again. “I don’t need protection.”
She’d been saying the same thing for what felt like hours. So many times that the refrain ran through his brain even when she wasn’t talking. “I heard you.”
“Then unlock the door, let me out and point me in the direction of my house.”
Thanks to all her time at The Farm, the CIA’s top secret training facility in Virginia, and who knew where else, Gabe guessed she’d get along just fine with so little direction. She’d find her way back. Then she’d get shot in the head.
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