“Okay.” Jarrett made a growling sound. “Let’s stay on topic.”
Becca shook her head as she sat down hard on the armrest again. “I almost feel bad for you.”
That made two of them. His anger had whipped up around him. He’d shoved Eli out the door as much for self-protection as anything. And there wasn’t a second where Wade didn’t want him back. “So, what do I do?”
“Beg.” That’s all Jarrett offered.
Wade couldn’t see how that helped. “You have to have something better than that.”
“Right.” Becca nodded. “Beg and make it convincing. This needs to be the mother of all begging.”
These two got more annoying the more they talked. More annoying and less helpful. So, Wade tried again. “And if I can’t convince him?”
She shook her head. “You need to have more faith in him than that.”
The words touched off a memory, which brought Wade back to that haunting moment and the look on Eli’s face as he’d gathered his clothes and walked out of the condo two nights ago. Wade had watched from the security monitor and wanted to kick his own ass for drawing that line. “You sound like Eli.”
“Then you should listen to me.” Becca’s voice grew softer. “Eli doesn’t want to go, so stop pushing him away.”
Jarrett nodded. “And don’t forget the begging.”
Wade doubted he’d be able to think about anything else.
Chapter Nine
Eli almost made it to the end of the third day without seeing Wade. The workload helped. Bast had piled files on his desk before he left town and called in with more work to do this morning. Never mentioned Wade and the newest breakup, but Eli sensed Bast knew. The gossip ring would have taken off and gotten word to him. Jarrett to Bast. Bast to Kyra. Eli was convinced they were all too entrenched in one another’s lives. Of course, that was over for him now.
There was a knock at his door. Before he could say anything the door opened. Wade stepped into the doorway with Bast’s receptionist right behind him, nearly crashing into his back.
The temptation to have Wade escorted out of the building hung right there, but Eli ignored it. He wasn’t that much of a dick and, despite everything, Wade deserved better.
Eli motioned for the receptionist to calm down and for Wade to step inside. Having this conversation in the hallway, whatever the topic, could not happen. “It’s okay.”
But it wasn’t. Not really. Work had become his sanctuary. The one place that remained memory-free of Wade. They’d kissed in here weeks ago, but Eli could block that. At home the images flooded him. Wade in his bed and across the table from him at breakfast in the morning. Sex in the shower and on the couch.
He closed his eyes and he exhaled, trying to regain the high ground and maintain some emotional distance. Seeing Wade threw him off balance. Had him wishing for things he no longer believed could happen.
When his nerves settled and his brain rebooted, Eli folded his hands together and aimed for some level of professionalism. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
The words tightened like a killing grip around Eli’s heart. “After three days.”
Lonely days and nights where he sat on the floor of his kitchen and tried not to remember. Like some sort of lovesick kid he’d scrolled through the few photos he’d captured of Wade on his phone. Read through their mundane text messages back and forth and waited for new ones to appear, but they never did.
Wade folded his arms around a file in his arms. “I wanted you back ten minutes after you left, but who’s counting?”
Left. As if Eli had a choice.
He couldn’t do this.
“I have to work.” Forget the good excuses or reasonable arguments. Eli couldn’t find the words. All of his energy went to maintaining the façade. To sitting there and acting as if he didn’t care.
Wade’s gaze traveled over Eli’s desk and stopped on the black phone next to the keyboard. His mouth flattened into a thin line. “You called Jennings back.”
Since holding back information seemed to have put them here, Eli didn’t do it now. If Wade wanted pure, unvarnished truth, he’d get it. “I did.”
Wade’s grip tightened on the file as he nodded. “Are you going to work for him?”
This was a conversation boyfriends would have and Wade had made it clear they were no longer that, so Eli wanted him to get to the point. “What do you want? I mean, really. Why are you here?”
Wade’s chest visibly fell as he exhaled. “To talk with you.”
A smart-ass reply hovered right there, but Eli bit it back. Still, he couldn’t hold off the mix of anger and disappointment pulsing through him. “You’ve said enough. Kicking me out—again—made your position pretty clear on where we stand.”
“That was a mistake.”
Eli had hoped to hear those words. Hoped and waited for two days. Really wanted Wade to step out of his bedroom and take them back the second after he said them. But that didn’t happen. “You did what you thought you had to do.”
“Don’t feed me a line.” Wade stepped away from the door and crowded on the other side of the desk. “Eli, I want—”
No, no, no. “It’s over.” The words scratched against Eli’s throat. Saying them zapped the life right out of him.
“Here.” Wade flipped open the file and laid it in front of Wade. “This is why you talking with Jennings scares the hell out of me.”
Eli wanted to shove the contents away. Not look down or engage, but his gaze slipped and he looked. It took another few seconds to focus. At first the images didn’t make sense. They were of him, injured. There was blood and he seemed to be unconscious. He turned the pages and saw more. Tubes and oxygen tanks. What looked like surgery on some of his wounds.
The pieces fell together in his head. These were from the time right after he got escorted out of the CIA. A burned agent. Men came after him back then and nearly killed him. They’d dumped his body near Holton Woods because they wanted the murder blamed on Jarrett. Eli had crawled to the door and passed out. This had to be what came after. Those missing days.
He looked up at Wade. “Where the hell did you get these?”
Pain showed in his eyes and in his drawn expression. “I took them because Jarrett wanted evidence. In case you died, he wanted to show how he found you and what he did to try to save you.”
Proof collected by Jarrett. Eli had had no idea. Jarrett never said. Wade never talked about those days. When Eli had woken up in panic back then, unclear about where he was or what was happening, Wade had been there. Solid and sure, dependable and looking oh so hot and in charge by Eli’s bedside.
But Eli had long healed. He’d gone from the verge of death to getting stronger to making a pass at Wade to where they were now. In some ways, they hadn’t moved all that far. Certainly not on the trust scale.
“I don’t understand why you’re showing me these,” Eli said as he closed the file.
“You remember me kicking you out of my house. I remember that.” Wade pointed to the file. “Those days are ingrained in me. We almost lost you so many times. I sat there and actually willed you to live.”
“You and Jarrett saved me.” Physically that day, but since then they had all—including Kyra and Bast—healed him in other ways. Wiped away or at least lessened the memories of his father cursing him as he cast him out of the tent revival for being gay. Leaving him to fend for himself.
The road had been long and painful . . . Maybe he had moved further than he thought.
“I can’t tolerate the thought of you being injured.” Wade’s husky voice faltered and his Adam’s apple bobbled. “I hate the not knowing. Thinking you might want that, all the pain and destruction, more than me.”
“I told you I wanted to stay with you.”
“But I see the wanderlust. Feel the thrill you get at the idea of venturing out again.” Wade broke eye contact then. Looked at his feet, then to the wall, before his g
aze landed on Eli again. “I am so desperate not to lose you to another injury or death that I push you away. It’s sick and stupid and I’ll break the habit. For you, I will.”
“You walked away from me. Twice, Wade. After the first time and you knew what it did to me. Hell, what it did to you.” And that was the slice that cut right through Eli. It was so damn easy for Wade to pull that trigger and kick him out.
“I know.” Wade’s shoulders fell. “I’m sorry. I promise you it will never happen again.”
“You promised before.” Eli didn’t want to relive the words of the last two days. He wiped a hand through his hair as he tried to come up with a way to end the aches rolling through him. “We can’t keep doing this.”
“I don’t want you to die.”
The words hung there. So final and uttered with such desperation. Eli looked at Wade, really looked. Spied the darkness around his eyes and the slumped resignation in his body language.
Reality punched Eli and he realized he’d read this all wrong. Wade’s reactions weren’t about trust. They were about survival. That clawing Eli felt at his insides, the need he could not control, it moved through Wade, too. To protect himself, he pushed away. Eli saw it now. Understood for the first time and let the reality wash over him and wipe some of the hurt away.
He searched for the right words as the phone rang. Not his office phone. The damn black one. The one that caused every hour of the last few days to drag out as their relationship slipped into the abyss.
Wade cleared his throat. “You should answer that.”
Jennings could go to hell as far as Eli was concerned. He’d been telling him that for three days, and now he needed to concentrate on Wade. “We need to talk, but not here.”
“After you decide what you want.” All the light seeped out of Wade as he stood there. “Just know that I am so fucking in love with you that I can’t see straight.”
The phone kept ringing, but all Eli heard was the voice that tethered him to a real life. “Wade—”
“I do stupid shit, and I’m sorry for that, but I won’t apologize for wanting you safe.” He picked up the phone and handed it to Eli. “Or for wanting you with me. Always.”
When Eli didn’t grab the cell, Wade dropped it on the desk. Then he walked out the door. Eli was too stunned, too wrapped up in the guilt pummeling him, to rush to follow him. Every move he’d made so far had been wrong. He’d given Wade pieces of what he needed to hear, half information, and that had started them spinning down this road.
Now Eli would fix the disaster he helped create.
***
Eli walked into Holton Woods that night prepared to talk to Wade, beg on his knees if he had to. They’d been talking past each other and dumping baggage from the past between them. Shit that weighed them down and drove them apart.
Well, no more.
He nodded to some of the usual patrons and a few new members before heading for the bar. As he opened the door to the main dining room, he dodged around one of the women serving drinks and looked up, searching for the only man he needed to see. But Becca stood watch over the bar. Her being there meant Wade wasn’t around, which meant Eli might be too late this time.
With each step anxiety welled in his gut. Becca frowned and she aimed it in his direction. Right at him, actually.
Eli stopped in front of her and didn’t bother with niceties. “Where’s Wade?”
“And hello to you.” She put a glass on a tray and nodded at the attendant to take it away.
The woman took her time, but the revving inside Eli wouldn’t stop. The wait for her to turn and leave ticked by in his head until his silent shouting for her to move it filled his brain.
The second she stepped away he leaned in and let out the harsh whisper blocking his throat. “Can I get an answer?”
“Now, that’s the demanding Eli I remember from the old days.” First, she shook her head. Then she filled a glass with club soda and took a long sip, as if dragging out the torture of the wait. “He’s gone.”
Eli’s stomach dropped and he had to fight the urge to throw up. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Upstairs.” She pointed up, as if he didn’t understand simple directions.
The breath he’d been holding whooshed out of him, leaving a dull ache behind in his chest. He rested his palms against the bar as the dull hum of conversation in the dining room faded into the background. “Jesus, Becca. You made it sound like—”
“I know. I did it on purpose.” She took another sip while staring at him over the glass.
“I’ll refrain from saying what I want to say.”
She met his glare with one of her own. “Smart man.”
“I’m going to go—”
“No.” She put a glass in front of him and added club soda. “You’re staying right here for now.”
“Why?” If any other person tried this, Eli would unload. With Becca he tightened the lid on the frustration churning inside him.
“You need to get your head out of your ass.” She pointed for him to join her on her side of the bar.
Since he didn’t want a screaming match or his private life being broadcast more than it already had been, he did as she asked. He stood there beside her, surveying the room but not saying anything, until he finally cracked. “Becca, what do you want to tell me?”
“We are alike, so I know who you are and how you think.” She turned to face him then. “You feel a pull to get back to work, but this love you have for Wade is kicking your ass.”
Tension radiated off her. Eli felt it wrap around him and he knew—she understood. He’d heard that stunned confusion in his own voice and knew that rose out of a cold dark pit deep inside.
But he didn’t say any of that. He stuck to the truth but stripped away the devastation. “I can’t disagree with you so far.”
The intensity of her stare didn’t let up. “You go back and forth and try to hide parts of yourself from him, but that’s only caused more grief.” Despite not being one who touched, she reached out her hand and grabbed his. “I know because I’ve been there. Rode it out and somehow lived through it.”
He squeezed her fingers but stayed silent.
“You will be wrecked without him. Done. Destroyed.” She swallowed a few times before starting again. “You won’t be able to put the pieces back together again.”
She’d summed up all his fears and all he knew in a few backbreaking sentences. He didn’t bother to hide it. “I know.”
“But you can turn this around right now. Recognize he needs reassurance and give it to him even if you don’t quite believe it yourself yet.” She tightened her hold. “Wait . . . did you . . .”
“I’m slow but I figured it out.” The ball in his stomach kept getting bigger and tighter, but that dread didn’t stop him from knowing what he needed to do. He just hoped when the time came he’d know what to say.
“You were just standing here letting me blather on when you’d already worked it all out?” She dropped his hand. “That’s a bit of a dick move.”
“Becca, I have put down killers and traded my humanity for a chance to finish an assignment, but what I am most terrified of, what has me nearly wetting myself with fear, is the idea of going up there and having Wade turn me away.” Eli swallowed hard because he had to. It felt as if something had lodged in his throat and if he didn’t move it out he’d suffocate.
Then she put her hand on his arm and pulled his body in tighter against hers. “He loves you. Go remind him of that.”
Sound advice. Thoughtful and clear. It sounded so simple, yet the banging in Eli’s head would not stop. “I can’t lose him again.”
She put her mouth close to his ear. “Then don’t.”
Chapter Ten
Wade stood at the window and stared out into the night. The Dupont Circle area of DC had kicked to life with activity as it did almost every other evening of the week. Weekends were the worst, but the weekdays didn’t slow much either.
People filled the restaurants and bars and car horns honked. Traffic snarled along the streets as people fought for the few parking spaces available.
Usually Wade loved the hustle of the area. Despite the expensive rowhouses and high rents, this area of town had a bit of an edge. It wasn’t all clean and trimmed like Georgetown, where Bast and Eli lived. This neighborhood exposed some wear and tear. Not everything here was about visiting the same old stores and buying six-dollar coffees.
But the sounds and sights didn’t soothe him tonight. Not even hours in a mindless shuffle behind the bar could cure him of the steady ache inside. He’d tried to work, to do anything to stop the roaring noise in his head, but nothing helped.
His days ticked by in a mindless cycle. He poured a drink and somehow ended up thinking about Eli. Every time he closed his eyes an image of Eli floated through his mind. Wade couldn’t get a break from his memories or any relief from wanting to see him.
Wade leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and closed his eyes. He needed peace and could not find it. It wasn’t as if he had anywhere to run to. He’d been estranged from his father for most of his adult life, and a recent battle where his father had tried to use Kyra’s relationship with Bast to get at Bast’s money made Wade write off his supposed family forever.
Normally he could talk with Kyra, but she was away, and when she did come back she lived only a few steps from Eli and was connected to him through Bast.
So, no, he’d have to ride this out alone. Somehow.
When his condo alarm chirped from being disabled he almost didn’t recognize the sound. No one should be up here. No one knew the code but . . . Wade whipped around. He’d hoped to see Eli standing there, and when he did he feared he’d accidentally blink the welcome image away.
From the dark hair to the exhaustion narrowing his eyes, Eli was a sight to see. Wade drank him in, desperate not to forget a moment of this meeting in case it was their last. “Eli?”
He shut the door behind him and stepped into the family room. “You didn’t change the code.”
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