Most days I never knew when Kenny would be coming home from work and I spent my time hanging out with my children, keeping busy waiting for him to arrive home. One summer, I begged Kenny to buy me a l0-speed bicycle. I was tired of borrowing bikes from the neighbor kids. I just wanted to go bicycling with my children.
He refused. “You just want to show off your butt in those short tight white shorts as you cycle around the neighborhood. I’m not buying you a bike.”
Where were those crazy words coming from, I thought back about the recent times Kenny had gone out with the neighbor’s son who was only twenty-one. My husband’s moods seemed more erratic than ever then and I found myself constantly praying for peace in our home.
One night he came home visibly high and he confided a secret he had been keeping. “I have been snorting cocaine with Chris. I swear I’ll never do it again. I feel so bad don’t be mad at me.”
Of course, I told him I wasn’t angry but I was thinking about all the money he had wasted and all he had put the children and me though. I had no idea he took drugs. But I still felt compelled to remind him of Jesus’s love. “I just read a book about BJ Thomas, the singer, and he took drugs but he became a Christian and he stopped taking them. Maybe you should read the book.”
He seemed to feel so badly about what he had been doing that I wanted to console him. After ten years of marriage I felt like I could trust him with my secrets. “I have a secret to tell you. My dad molested me when I was a little girl.”
After hearing the details, he said in an angry tone, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
I almost had the feeling he didn’t believe I was telling the truth. Later when he wanted to hurt me, he would say hateful things to me about my secret and throw it back in my face. “It was your fault he did those things to you. You probably wanted him to.”
Although he was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I wondered what was wrong with me. At times, he made me feel as if I was the crazy one. I tried to remember all the things I had learned in Alanon: The alcoholic is a master manipulator. He will try to blame you for everything. The alcoholic will always try and destroy his mate. You become sick right along with him. You make excuses for him. The world revolves around the alcoholic.
I thought things would change after I had become a Christian. Didn’t my prayers make any difference at all? I still tried to do everything in my power to keep my family together, even when I realized how fearful my children felt towards Kenny. I believed it was what God wanted for me. I thought this was my lot in life. I just needed to be happy in spite of being mistreated. I was still so confused!
28
It’s Over
“Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil: joy fills hearts that are planning peace!” Proverbs 12:20
I had spent nearly eleven years with an angry, abusive man and I found myself imagining what my life would be like without him. It would be so much easier, I reasoned, with nobody to hit me and call me filthy names, nobody to accuse me and criticize the kids and me. I worried my children would grow up to become an alcoholic or marry one. I did not want them to make the same mistake I had. Since becoming a Christian, I always prayed that God would choose their mates for them when it came time for them to marry. I hoped I hadn’t jinxed them by staying married to Kenny.
I knew I had a reason to leave my husband because he did commit adultery, one that he had admitted to. We never went to counseling about it or even talked about it among ourselves or to anyone else. Sometimes when he would go out I had such strong feelings that he was actually going out on me. Always, I’d dismiss my thoughts and cry out to the Lord. Why am I so insecure? Surely, he wouldn’t really sleep with somebody then come home and have sex with me the same night! I would beg God to change my thoughts and help me to trust my husband.
Even though he continued to verbally abuse me I was grateful he hadn’t hit me in a while. But I still wasn’t sure if all those things added up to divorce. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I had given my marriage to God, I started looking for a way to leave my husband while trying not to feel guilty about it.
A year later, on Labor Day, once again, my friend Pat stopped by to ask me to attend the church picnic with her. She parked and got out of the car. The whole family was outside doing yard work.
“Kenny,” she called out, “Can Deb and the kids go to the park with me? Our church is having a baptism.”
Without hesitation as he had done a year earlier, Kenny glared at her. “No, she has to finish raking the yard.”
Angrily, I shrugged my shoulders and watched Pat drive away.
“Why can’t I go? The yard work is almost done. Why can’t the kids and I just go with her?”
“Because I said you can’t. That’s why!”
Suddenly I didn’t feel afraid anymore. “I’m going anyways.”
As I turned towards the house, he lunged after me. “You are not going anywhere.”
I started running from him. He chased me and caught my shirt in his hands, ripping it until my bra was exposed. Holding the front of my blouse, I escaped his grip. When he finally caught up with me he started shoving me. I broke free again and was able to get far enough away from him. Running to the front door, I slammed it shut. Luckily, he did not follow me inside.
I sat in the bedroom, looked in the mirror at my ripped shirt and replayed the ugly scene over in my head, feeling terrible that my three children had witnessed the whole thing.
“What’s wrong with me? Why do I put up with this?” I yelled to know one but myself. What have I done to deserve this? Where are you, God?
I changed my shirt, washed the tears off my face and went back outside to take care of the kids. Kenny ignored me as he finished the yard work. I tried to act like everything was okay. I wasn’t hurt and I wanted things to go back to normal. What was normal anyways?
“Come on Kristy, you want to help me rake the grass?” Fuming inside I had really wanted to go to the picnic with my friend instead I swallowed my hurt and got to work. I knew I still wasn’t brave enough to go against Kenny.
A few months later a friend asked me if I wanted a part time job. I asked Kenny’s permission. “Do you mind if I work every other weekend passing out samples of food in local grocery stores?”
“Yea, we need the money, just make sure you don’t talk to any guys.”
He wasn’t opposed to me making money and I was excited to get out of the house on Fridays and Saturdays. I enjoyed the interaction with other adults and the attention I received from the customers.
My first Saturday I came home. “Where are the kids?”
“I took them over to your mom’s earlier, I had things to do.”
“I had so much fun today. I’m glad I’m working.”
“Is that because you were flirting with all the men who came in to buy groceries? Or were you making plans to secretly meet up with one of those young, grocery clerks?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, “No that’s not it. I don’t flirt with anyone.”
He flew into a rage. “You’re lying, you b____h, you need to quit that job.”
I did not want to argue with him. I just wanted to be left alone. “I’m going to pick up the kids,” I said and left quickly.
After his blow up, I decided to keep my job and tried to avoid his angry accusations every time I came home. I was relieved when most of the time he wasn’t even there.
Shortly after the Christmas holiday, my little brother came over late one night to visit me. Of course, Kenny was out drinking.
“Rob, I’m thinking I want to get a divorce.” Immediately after the words came out I felt guilty for saying it and regretted that I had actually verbalized the word. Visibly shaken, I ran to the front door. I looked out then ran to the back door, swung it open and looked out.
“What are you doing? What are you
looking for?” Rob asked.
“I’m feeling like Kenny is out there and he can hear what I’m saying. I’m so scared right now.”
“Come here, Sis, quit being so paranoid. Kenny isn’t here. He does not know what you’re saying. You are having a panic attack. Try and relax. Take a deep break come sit down by me. You need to realize he does not have any power over you. You have to get strong and take care of yourself and the kids.”
I sat down next to Rob and felt the panic slipping away. “Thanks for calming me down and helping me to figure this out.”
I told him what had been going on the last few months, about my new job, and all of Kenny’s accusations against me. For the first time, I was totally honest about the way Kenny treated me.
“He has hit me and shoved me around since we have been married. Sometimes it will end for a while and when he feels guilty about something he treats me nice. Otherwise he is always accusing me of flirting or sleeping around. I never even go anywhere and the kids are always with me. I am getting so tired of being treated bad. I don’t know why I still put up with it and I am afraid of him. I feel suspicion every time Kenny is late coming home from work, I keep thinking he is going out on me. Sometimes he doesn’t come home until 2 in the morning and he just says he falls asleep in his car. I am also worried he might be taking drugs. I never see a paycheck he just throws the money at me so I can pay the bills.”
“Don’t you realize you’re always walking on egg shells? All of us can see it, you live in fear. Can’t you see how dysfunctional your relationship is? Have you noticed we don’t like coming around when Kenny is home. We can’t stand the way he treats you. We all love you so much and it hurts us. You don’t even realize that you deserve to be treated so much better.”
“Have you ever heard rumors that Kenny has been unfaithful?”
“I think you should know I heard he was having affairs.”
“I’ve thought maybe he was but I can’t really picture it. I only know of the one time he confessed. Honestly, I don’t even know who I’m married too.”
“You need to consider your future. Do you really want to keep going on with this guy? It sounds like things have just gotten worse throughout your marriage.”
“You’re right. I’ve been fooling myself all these years. It has gotten so bad sometimes I just wish he’d die in an accident so I wouldn’t have to make a decision and actually divorce him. I can’t believe how awful my thoughts have become. I feel so guilty for thinking that way. And the Bible says, God hates divorce so I don’t feel like I can even leave Kenny.”
“You have to quit feeling guilty about everything and believe in yourself, you can take care of your kids without him. God does not want you to live in fear and be abused, physically and verbally, and treated with disrespect. That should be enough reason to leave him. If you want to get legalistic, Kenny is an adulterer. So, there is your reason.”
“I guess deep down I must have known. Why do I stay only to get mistreated? I am so scared for the future.”
“The whole family is here for you. We will help you anyway we can.”
I was so afraid of Kenny and I did not know how I could ever leave him. What if he somehow was able to keep my children from me? What would he do to me physically? And I had no money of my own!
Weeks passed and I kept thinking about what my brother had said to me. I picked up my Alanon book again after many years and realized the wisdom that it held for me. I spoke to my friends that were divorced and tried to draw strength from them. For the first time, I spoke openly to my sister, mother, and other family members about what I was contemplating. They gave me the courage to start making plans to leave my abusive husband. As much as I felt guilty, I knew I had to think about it and make plans to protect my children and myself.
First, my sister convinced me to make an extra key for my green Ford sedan. Kenny always kept the key unless I asked to drive the car. Next, I met a lawyer at my church and talked to him on the phone. He helped me to find peace about my decision. He told me he would take payments if he handled the divorce. Instantly, I felt like it was something I could handle.
One day early in March, Kenny met me at the door when I came home from my part-time job handing out food samples. “You’re late. Who were you talking to this time? Get in the car we are going to the hospital to visit my dad.”
As we got in the car my mind was in turmoil. Kenny continued to badger me with accusations while my children, sat stone faced, in the back seat. I don’t remember exactly what he said to me but as we drove down the street, I summoned the courage to stand up to him. “Stop the car, I’m not going with you.”
After arguing with me he finally pulled over. “Get the hell out b____h.” He shoved me towards the door while screaming obscenities at me.
Quickly, I ran towards the house. Tires squealed as he turned sharply and sped out of sight. Shaking with fear, I knew I had to act fast, so I telephoned a friend, “Can you come pick me up? I’m leaving Kenny. I can’t take the car because his is in the shop so he is driving my car.”
“You know I will come pick you up I’ve been waiting for this day.” I could almost hear her applauding.
I spent the night with my friend and I was so keyed up I couldn’t sleep. Instead, she and I stayed up most of the night and talked. “Are you really going to divorce Kenny?” Pat asked.
“Remember the older gentleman I met at church? He is a lawyer. He said he would represent me. Can you take me to his office in the morning? I need to do this fast before I chicken out.”
“Of course, I will do anything I can to help you. Have you thought about how you’re going to pay for a divorce?”
“I have been stashing my last few paychecks from my part-time job at the school and passing out food samples on the weekends. Kenny doesn’t know how much I’ve worked. He’s rarely home.”
“What are you going to do about getting the kids?”
“I will take them out of school later, hopefully Kenny will be at work. He was so mad at me when we were in the car I was afraid he was going to hit me. I didn’t want to leave the kids, but it all happened so fast. I do regret the way I left. But I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did, otherwise I probably would have talked myself out of leaving him.”
It was Monday and I anxiously walked in to see my lawyer while Pat waited for me in the parking lot. When I left his office, I felt a mixture of relief, guilt, and fear. The words “God hates divorce” kept ringing in my head, but I quickly dismissed my thoughts and planned a way to get my kids. Patting my pocket, I felt the extra key and was hoping my car would be at the house.
My friend stopped in front of the elementary school and I was relieved to know my two older kids were there. After withdrawing my children from school, I gave the principal strict instructions, “Please don’t let my husband take them out of school from now on. We are in the process of a divorce.”
“To be honest with you, I don’t think I’ve ever laid eyes on your soon-to-be ex.”
“You’re right, I can count on one hand how many times he’s been involved with the kids’ school programs.”
After hugs and kisses, Jeremy and Kristy calmed down. They were glad they would not have to go back with their father.
“Did you get Jeff?” Jeremy asked, as we headed to Pat’s car.
“Where is he? Didn’t your dad go to work today?”
“No, he stayed home with Jeff,” Kristy said.
“Well, let’s go home and get him.”
“No Mom, we’re afraid. What if Dad tries to take us.”
“I won’t let that happen. Pat is going to drop me off in front of our house so I can get my car. If we don’t see your dad, maybe I can get Jeff at the same time. If that doesn’t work, I will have to figure something out. You stay in the car with Pat, I will meet back up with her in the school parking lot and hope
fully have Jeff.”
“But Mom we are scared. What if Dad hurts you?”
“Don’t be afraid, everything will work out. I will be right back, I promise.” I tried to reassure them but I was shaking on the inside.
Pat dropped me off across the street from my house. Running up the driveway to my car I quietly unlocked the door and got in.
I could see my youngest standing in front of the huge picture window pointing towards me, tears streaming down his face. Suddenly, I saw Kenny standing behind my five-year-old. He started for the door.
Putting the key in the ignition I quickly backed out. I had to leave Jeff behind and my heart ached, but I knew I couldn’t take the chance of having an altercation with Kenny.
We spent the night with my sister and I hardly slept. I kept trying to figure out a way to get my youngest away from his dad. I decided to keep my two kids out of school the next day.
Something told me Kenny had taken Jeff to his friend Beverly who lived right around the corner from us. She was the one who had betrayed me and told him I was pregnant when I was expecting Jeff. She was never really my friend and was only loyal to him.
Later that day, I quietly pulled up in front of her house, peeked in her window and saw Jeff sitting at the dining room table eating lunch.
I pounded on the door and when Beverly opened it, I ran past her and grabbed my son. Beverly was a big lady and she blocked me like a football player. Yanking Jeff out of my arms, she started screaming at me and raised her hand to hit me I turned and ran out the back door, I jumped the fence, afraid of what she’d do to me if she caught me. My wedding band caught on the fence and broke in half. I saw it as a good omen that my marriage was over.
“I’m calling the police on you,” she yelled.
I sat in my car not wanting to leave without my son, contemplating what to do next.
Something About Those Eyes Page 21