Within minutes Kenny showed up. He held onto Jeff and stood outside taunting me.
Getting out of my car I said, “I just filed for divorce and I want my son.”
Just then a policeman showed up “Is he the father?” pointing to Kenny. “Because if he is then he has the right to have his son and there is not a thing you or I can do about it.”
Kenny stood there, quiet, with a sarcastic grin on his face.
There was nothing I could do as I watched my son squirm in his father’s arms crying the whole time. I left feeling defeated.
Later that night, after I tucked the kids into bed, I went out to talk to my sister.
“What are you going to do about getting Jeff?”
“I think I will call Tiffany. She is the teenager that lives across the street from me and she babysits for me.”
I dialed her number. “Tiffany, is anything going on at my house? Do you know where Jeff is?”
“Actually, Kenny came over looking for a gun. My sister gave him my dad’s. He said he was going to kill himself.”
“What! Your sister gave him a gun? Where’s Jeff?” Visions of what he might do played in my head.
“Ray, the old neighbor is over there trying to talk him out of it. Wait, I can see them standing at the window. Kenny is waving the gun around and he and Ray are drinking beers. I see lights and I hear a siren. I think the cops are coming. Give me your number, I’ll call you back.”
I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. Where was my baby? Is he going to kill him too?” I kept dialing my neighbor’s number. Finally, she answered the phone.
“I ran across the street and saw the cops talking to Kenny but I didn’t see Jeff anywhere.”
I hung up and tried the other neighbors. They knew something was going on but they had not seen Jeff either.
I was ready to get in the car and drive back home to find my little one, when my sister yelled that Mom was on the phone.
“I have been trying to call, but the phone’s been busy. Kenny called and asked me to come get Jeff. He had been drinking when I got there.”
“The neighbor said he had a gun.”
“Everything’s okay I have Jeff, he is safe.”
“Oh, thank God. I was so worried.”
“Do you think he will really kill himself?” My mom asked.
“To be honest with you, at this point I really don ’t care. As long as my children are safe I don’t care what he does.”
A few hours later my teenage spy called to tell me the police had returned the gun and left our house. Of course, Kenny didn’t go through with it. I almost wished he had, and then I wouldn’t have to make any difficult decisions. That’s how sick my own thinking had become.
I drove to pick up my son and he ran into my arms as soon as he saw me. I was relieved to have all of my children with me. A few days later Kenny was served with divorce papers and the kids and I moved back into our house.
The first few months Kenny did everything he could to make my life miserable. But that was nothing new. He also bought a brand-new, sky-blue corvette. I remembered it was always something he had threatened to do. He took the kids for rides in it until his lawyer persuaded him to get rid of it. “Buying a brand-new car won’t look good to the judge when you go to court.”
He did stupid things; like the time he broke into the house and stole my knickknacks, throw rugs, and houseplants. He had moved in with his parents and the children saw him every other weekend. Then he decided he wanted them to come one at a time because he claimed it was too much to have all three kids at Grandma’s for the whole weekend. He even petitioned his lawyer to give him the washer and dryer. Obviously, that didn’t happen.
I was glad to have him gone. In spite of the trials I felt a sense of peace because I didn’t have to deal with him on a daily basis. All the while, I still fought feelings of guilt and shame for filing for divorce.
The last straw came when Kenny decided to quit his job. One thing I had always respected about him was that he was a hard worker. I found out later my dad had made the suggestion to him, if you quit your job you won’t have to pay child support. Thanks Dad!
29
New Job, New Friends
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.” 1 Peter 4:10
My brother Rob suggested I put my application in at Safeway grocery store where he worked. I was hired at minimum wage shortly afterwards at a different store near my house. One of the neighborhood teenagers would stay over and watch the kids when I worked the late shift.
Things were still tense with Kenny, he broke into the house several times and threatened me. I found out he lied about me to all his friends and family members saying I had had an affair. He called at all hours of the night spewing accusations at me and cursing me. I was afraid, and I kept asking God to protect my children and me from my angry, drunk husband. Eventually, we struggled through the usual divorce proceedings, deciding on visitation rights and making a property settlement. I was able to stay in our house, but I owed the first mortgage as well as a huge second mortgage. Although I worked part-time, money was always tight, I struggled to the pay the mortgage. Cleaning houses on my days off and doing other odd jobs helped to bring in extra money, however I still had to trust God to somehow provide for us.
Kenny got another job but rarely paid child support and as time went on he saw the kids less and less. Shortly before the divorce was final Kenny decided to date my just divorced neighbor across the street the mother of my teenager spy. Tiffany was mad. I consoled her and told her it wouldn’t last long and it didn’t. Unfortunately, while they dated, he paid more attention to the neighbor’s children then he did his own, it really hurt them.
It was the little things that gave me a sense of freedom and power after my divorce. One of the first things I did was to connect a second phone in the bedroom. I would never have to worry about anyone listening in on my phone calls and making untrue accusations against me.
I was able to write in my journal and leave it in sight without being afraid of anyone reading my private thoughts. I could go to church on Sunday nights without having to ask permission. I didn’t have to give Kenny the last five-dollars I earned by mowing Old Ray’s lawn. Best of all I could drive whomever I wanted in my car to run errands, without being reprimanded for doing a good deed for somebody. A friend gave me a small, black puppy and she became my new companion, I even let her share my bed at night.
I loved working at the store and met lots of people, and soon a co-worker, Jon, took an interest in me. I had not dated anyone since I was seventeen. It was exciting to know someone actually liked me. I wanted so badly to be loved by someone, anyone. After talking with my Alanon friend, she wanted to know all about my relationship with Jon.
I told her, he drinks in the morning and he will buy cases of beer when it’s on sale.
“Those aren’t good signs. Do you think it is a very good idea to get involved with someone who might have a drinking problem?”
“He works all night so his morning is really like his night. He seems pretty intelligent so I’m sure if he thought he was losing control of his drinking he would realize it and stop. Besides he is just trying to save money.” I just excused it away. I didn’t really want to believe I was actually involved with another alcoholic. Denial is a strong force to be reckoned with.
Regrettably, I spent many nights with Jon while my babysitter stayed with my children. I justified my actions telling myself I was still going to church with my kids on Sundays and Wednesdays. I was still praying and talking about God. I actually thought I was falling in love with my new boyfriend.
In reality, I had left one alcoholic and immediately gotten involved with another. I should have remembered all the things I learned in the program. At the time, I felt that without Jon in my life I surely would have let
Kenny sweet talk me into taking him back, and he did try. But because I was with somebody else, it was easier to say no to his advances. I was still so weak!
The phone rang late one night. “I just called to say I love you,” Kenny sang.
“You’re not even original.” I said in a disgusted tone. “Stevie Wonder sings that.”
“Let’s try it again,” my ex-husband pleaded. “I can’t believe you really divorced me. I never thought you would. I thought you’d always stay with me like my mom stayed with my dad.”
“I won’t ever go back to you.”
“I promise I’ll do things differently this time,” he slurred, obviously he’d been drinking.
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter what you say anymore because I will never go back to you.”
“You’ve changed. I don’t even know you anymore. You’re so mean!”
“You’re right I have changed. I’ll never put up with your abuse again.” Slamming the receiver down, I felt good finally standing up to him.
Jon reached for me and I felt safe and loved. I couldn’t afford to let Kenny’s words tempt me. I was just beginning to understand I had been mistreated for a long and I didn’t want to be miserable anymore.
During the next several months I tried hard to be a good Christian, even dragging my boyfriend to church with me. Finances were always tight and a neighbor helped me pay my electric bill and she provided day old bread and treats for the kids. The few friends I had, continued to pray for me without judging me, even though they did not approve of my relationship with Jon. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that by becoming involved immediately with someone else I did not give my children or myself time to heal.
I felt helpless to stop seeing him even though I lived in a constant state of guilt and shame. On the other hand, I felt free. I left my abuser and didn’t have to worry about being threatened, accused, or hit anymore. As time went on, the angry threats ended and my ex-husband quit begging me to take him back. Kenny got involved with someone else and he stopped coming by to pick up the kids and eventually moved to Texas.
My children and I continued to attend church. I encouraged all their friends to go and even picked them up and took them to youth group. Rosa and I had stopped praying together on a weekly basis, but I stilled called her and other friends, and we prayed together often. I continued to berate myself for my shortcomings and felt guilty for repeating the same bad choices over and over again. I still did not know God saw me clothed in His robe of righteousness. I did not realize he delighted over me with singing. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
Within a few months of being single I met a young girl who worked at Safeway. I walked out with her to the parking lot one night when we both worked the late shift. I noticed she had blankets, pillows, and laundry in her car. “You’re not living in your car, are you?”
“Yes I am. If my parents find out I’m pregnant, especially with a black child, they will kill me,” Laney said.
“There is no way I’m going to let you live like this. I have a small, three-bedroom house you’re welcome to sleep on my couch. Sometimes you could help me with groceries and watch the kids. Is it a deal?”
Laney moved in and we became good friends. When she’d experience one of her pregnancy cravings, like cream cheese on soft white bread, we’d make a dash to the nearest market that was open all night. She made ordinary things feel like an adventure.
Laney’s boyfriend, Max, came over often and played basketball with Jeremy and Jeff. We’d regularly have meals together and sometimes competed in board games afterwards. My kids loved our new roommate. She was fun to be around and helpful. She hummed familiar tunes and she was always singing and swaying back forth while putting on her makeup and doing laundry. (She had been in choir when she was in school.) She was always in a good mood and brought positive energy to our home and her boyfriend was good to the kids.
The Christmas immediately following my divorce was a holiday I was not looking forward to. Money was still tight, and I didn’t have any idea how I would buy presents. My family couldn’t help either, everyone had kids of their own and financial struggles as well. Since Kenny moved out of state he had stopped all contact with the kids and my occasional child support promptly ended, although I still continued to take my children to visit Kenny’s folks on a regular basis.
Unbeknownst to me, my roommate called a meeting at work one day when I was off and shared my dilemma. All the employees gave generously and Laney collected enough money to buy Christmas presents for my kids. She asked her boyfriend’s mother to make Kristy her very own Cabbage Patch doll. Kristy was delighted! I was so touched by the generosity of my co-workers and all the people that helped me that Christmas. I was beginning to understand that God still cared about me, even though I had gotten a divorce and oftentimes continued to feel guilty about it.
About this time, I met another teenager who worked with Laney and me. Dee often babysat for me, did my laundry, and would hang out at the house. One day she showed up unexpectedly. “I haven’t told anybody, but I think I’m pregnant, and I can’t let my parents find out. Will you take me to get an abortion?”
“I don’t believe in abortions. I can’t do it.”
“You don’t understand, my parents will kick me out if they find out please, please take me,” she pleaded.
“Dee, I know you’re only eighteen and I will help you out anyway I can. But you can’t kill the baby. Please listen to me.”
Laney woke up from her bed on the couch and interrupted. “I’ll take you tomorrow. Now let me go back to sleep.”
“I wish you both would reconsider. It’s wrong and I don’t want any part of this.”
Dee left. Laney went back to sleep and I went into the other room and dialed my best friend’s number. “Tracey, I just found out a friend is getting an abortion tomorrow. Would you pray with me that somehow she won’t go through with it?”
“Of course, I will, I would give anything to have a baby.” Tracey prayed, “Father in heaven, please block Dee from getting an abortion, and keep this baby healthy.”
Early the next morning before I left for work my friend and I again prayed for Dee. I also urged Laney to change her mind about taking her, but she wouldn’t. As soon as I got home the two of them met me back at the house.
“They won’t do it. I’m so angry. They said I was twenty-five weeks. What am I going to do?” Dee cried.
I was so happy! I couldn’t wait to call my best friend and share the good news with her. Thank you, God!
“Dee, I will help you anyway I can. You can even stay here if you want.”
I wouldn’t see Dee again for months although I worked with her we always had a different schedule. When we did have the same shift, she would barely look my way and I could hear her bragging about partying and taking diet pills to lose weight. My heart ached for her and the life of her unborn baby. There was nothing I could do; she refused to let me in her life. Tracey and I kept praying for her and the baby.
In February 1985, my phone rang early in the morning, while it was still dark, and woke me from a deep slumber. “Deb, hurry, call my dad and ask him if I can baby-sit for you.” Something is happening to me and I’m having really bad pains,” Dee whispered.
“Do you think you can drive? Leave him a note and just get in your car now and come over.”
I called Tracey, “Please pray for my friend. I think she is in labor.”
Unfortunately, I had to go to work while Laney dashed out the door with Dee and rushed her to the hospital.
“Call me at work and let me know what happens.”
Less than an hour later I received her call. “I just had the baby and I am going to put him up for adoption.”
“Wait, wait before you do that. I have a friend who has been married for
a while and she can’t have kids. Tracey had an infection and had to have a complete hysterectomy when she was twenty-three. Can she and her husband adopt your baby?”
“Of course, any friend of yours is a friend of mine,” she assured me. “I don’t want my parents to ever know.”
Dialing Tracey’s number, “Guess what? Dee had a baby boy and she said you can adopt him!”
I could almost feel her tears of happiness through the phone.
“God is so faithful. My husband and I have been praying for a baby for years. And you and I have prayed. This is a miracle.”
The adoption was set in motion. It would take a full year before everything was legal and my friend would be the mother she always wanted to be.
Shortly before the baby was born, my boyfriend had broken up with me. I grieved the end of our relationship, as stormy and unhealthy as it was. I eventually came to realize the tears I cried were really tears of mourning for my failed marriage, not for my boyfriend. I had never properly mourned the end of my marriage and all the hopes and dreams I had had. Slowly, I began to heal, or so I thought.
30
Second Time Around
“Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the wisest advice.” Proverbs 23:9
Soon after baby James went home to be with Tracey, I paid her a visit. It was wonderful to see my friend with her newborn son. A friend of hers showed up while I was visiting.
“Lee, this is Debbie.”
“Hi,” he said, staring dreamily in my eyes. “Didn’t we go to different high schools together?”
Laughing, I said, “I don’t know about that.”
We spent a lot of time talking and joking with each other while holding the new baby. Later that night Tracey called. “Lee wants your number. Can I give it to him? He used to date my sister so I’ve known him for a while. He had some problems, but he is a Christian now.”
Something About Those Eyes Page 22