Something About Those Eyes

by Debbie Wheeland

  After finally believing how God felt about me, my steps had a new bounce in them. Happy thoughts took the place of anxious ones and I found a new peace. I began to share my feelings, my hurts, my fears, and my joys with God on a daily basis. I received his reassurance by reading and believing what He said about me in the Bible. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Jeremiah 31:3

  A few months had passed since the day I confronted my father. I began to wonder what happened in my dad’s childhood to make him do those awful things to me. Maybe he had been molested too. Eventually, it was God who changed my heart towards him and took away my hatred and anger. He gave me the desire and the strength to forgive my father. After all, God had forgiven me for all my sins. I wanted to reach out to him to tell him I had forgiven him, even though I felt I no longer needed his love, approval, or an apology. After all I was receiving those things from my Father in Heaven.

  My dad had moved out of the city and had stayed in contact with my sister. I kept meaning to call her and get his new phone number. I didn’t, but the nagging feeling that I should call him wouldn’t go away. I kept thinking, call your dad and tell him you forgive him.

  Ashley was born in March and a few weeks later on Saint Patrick’s Day, Lee and I decided to drive to the other side of town and take the kids to the annual parade. I dressed them in green and off we went.

  When the parade was over we walked down a neighborhood towards the parking lot. Suddenly, I noticed a familiar face, a gray-haired, bearded man, standing on the sidewalk, in front of somebody’s house.

  Briskly, I walked towards him. “Daddy,” I called.

  With a frightened look, he stood motionless. Our eyes met, but he quickly turned away from my stare.

  Striding over to him, I immediately hugged him and whispered, “Daddy, it’s okay. I forgive you now. You can call me anytime.”

  My father embraced me tightly. “Honey, I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

  I knew it was a divine appointment God had arranged. It was no coincidence; in fact, I called it my God-incident. There was no other way to explain running into him like that.

  Even though I was feeling good about the healing I had been working on for myself, my relationship with Lee was still at odds. When Ashley was just a few months old most of the time I could count on coming home from work to find Lee and Ashley gone. Panic would seize me and I would worry that one-day they might not come home at all. Not only was I afraid of being abandoned, but I was also fearful that Lee would run off with my sweet, little daughter and I might never see her again. His unhealthy attachment to her scared me. Our arguments always sounded like this. “Why don’t you treat me like I’m special anymore? I feel so alone. You are always leaving with Ashley within minutes before I’m supposed to get home.”

  “What do you mean?” Lee asked. “There’s always kids around.”

  “I miss you and my daughter when you’re not here. I just want you to pay attention to me.”

  He’d just laugh at me and make me feel stupid for sharing my feelings with him. Finally, I began keeping my thoughts to myself while resentment rose up in me. I wondered why he had lost interest in me and continued to beat myself up for not being good enough. My feelings were growing numb towards him. But I was so terribly afraid of being alone again. And I desperately wanted to be loved.

  I continued to feel abandoned by Lee every time he left the house. It was my sister, who had recently become a Christian, who pointed something out to me what I hadn’t realized before. One day after coming home from work and finding Lee and Ashley gone again, I panicked as usual. Sobbing uncontrollably, I called Monica. “Why does he leave right before I get off work? He knows what time I’m due home and the kids tell me he leaves about ten minutes before I’m supposed to arrive. I went driving around to his favorite coffee shop and I didn’t see his van and I drove over to the other coffee shops and by the park where he hangs out and I couldn’t find him. Where is he? What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Why does it hurt so much when he leaves me? What if he runs away with Ashley? I’m so scared.”

  “Deb, you have abandonment issues. In fact, you’re the one who told me that God would never abandon you. People will come and go, but God won’t. You can choose to detach yourself from Lee and learn to trust Jesus one day at a time. Then you take away Lee’s power to hurt you.”

  She was right of course and I began to start and end my day with prayer more often and read the verses about God being with me over and over until I memorized them. The stronger I got inside, the closer I moved towards God and the more detached from Lee I felt. I no longer felt afraid when he left. The Lord also showed me I was mistakenly reaching out to Lee to fill that empty spot in my heart that only God could fill. As I meditated on the verse “I will never leave you or forsake you” I felt God reassuring me that He was with me. I knew I would never again need Lee in an unhealthy way. I continued to grow apart from him.

  I looked forward to my days off, when I would have time to spend with my little toddler while the older kids were in school. Regrettably, I wasn’t able to spend much alone time with Ashley because Lee was always around. He had nowhere else to go, with no job and no friends.

  “Lee, can’t you take a drive? Just go somewhere, please. I want to spend time with just Ashley. I only have a couple days off a week and I would really like some alone time with her.”

  “No, I don’t have anything to do. Let’s take her to the park today. Come on, it will be fun.”

  Some days I grew so tired of fighting him and gave in. After all it was the only way I could spend time with my daughter on my days off.

  At other times, when I felt like I could stand up to Lee I’d take Ashley outside to my burgundy Subaru and lift up the hatchback sit in there just to get away from her dad. I knew he wouldn’t follow me to my car. I’d turn the heater on in the winter and the air conditioner on in the summer. We’d play with her toys and then I’d read a story to her. I had to be creative to steal precious time with my little one.

  Early in our marriage, Lee had introduced me to his friends who lived an hour away from us. The wife, Sharon and I had become close. We were both pregnant at the same time. Only weeks after she had the baby, my friend found out her husband was having an affair. After the divorce, he had custody of their child fifty percent of the time. I saw how hard it was for Sharon and I felt sorry for her. When I allowed myself to think about divorcing Lee, the anxiety I had about splitting time with my daughter and the fear of him possibility running off with her caused me to put the thoughts out of my mind.

  Even though my second marriage was free from the problems of alcohol, the daily verbal abuse towards my children and me continued. Seeking counsel at our church, I begged Lee to go with me. Reluctantly, he went one time.

  At our meeting, I spoke openly to the Assistant Pastor, Coleman, “Lee constantly says unkind things to my children. They are painful to hear and I believe he is wounding them. But instead of consoling my kids I make excuses for him. He also favors Ashley and it’s evident to the other kids. He brings her presents and ice cream but brings nothing for them. The older kids say they don’t care, but it is really hard on Jeff. I worry about what is happening to my children and how he is affecting them. I’ve tried to stop it and I’m mad at myself for letting it continue and I blame myself.”

  Lee yelled loudly and began making excuses for himself. “Well, Ashley is my own kid. The other kids aren’t even mine. Besides, you always take their side over mine.” Angrily, he stomped out of the room and left me to find my own ride home. I’d worry about a ride home later.

  “Have you ever heard the word co-dependent?” Coleman asked. “People that are co-dependent have low self-esteem and look for anything outside themselves to make them feel better. You were co-dependent with your mom, your ex-husband, and now wit
h Lee. Your caretaking has become compulsive and defeating. When you take care of that other person you began to feel like a martyr. You also rob people of taking responsibility for their own lives. These are all the things you learn in a twelve-step recovery program,” Coleman explained.

  “Mistakenly, I thought you could only be co-dependent if you were in an alcoholic marriage. How I wish I had stayed in Alanon,” I said regretfully.

  Coleman helped me to understand I could still be co-dependent even though I was not married to an alcoholic anymore. That was eye opening to me. I really believed that dysfunctional marriages were always due to addiction.

  “No regrets! Romans 8:1 says; ‘There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.’ Remember, God’s timing is perfect. Here is a paper I want you to read. Think about joining a group and pray for God to change your unhealthy patterns. You can keep counseling with me if you want to.”

  “I’m sure Lee won’t ever come back,” I said sadly.

  “It doesn’t matter. You need to concentrate on what you can do to grow. Let God worry about your husband.”

  “What do I do about the cruel things he says to the kids?”

  “Ask the Lord to guard their hearts.”

  I sat outside, after calling Jeremy to come pick me up, and read through the material Coleman had given me.

  Characteristics of co-dependents are: An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship to avoid the feeling of abandonment. A sense of guilt when asserting themselves, difficulty in making decisions and identifying feelings is also another sign. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love and friendship relationships. (Mental Health America)

  I kept reading and the more I read the more the scales fell from my eyes. Why had I been in denial for so long? As I thought about what I had read I kept hearing Coleman’s words, “There is now no condemnation, God’s timing is perfect.”

  Another year passed and with it my slow but continued recovery from my past. Each day was a new adventure as I prayed for growth. I was learning to say no, to be self-reliant and to assert myself. I also felt like I had dealt with my abandonment issues. Even so, Lee continued to verbally abuse all of us except Ashley.

  As he continued his domineering and controlling actions, I adamantly defended my kids and he in turn tried to make me feel guilty for choosing them over him. I still supported the family while Lee pursued his own interests and worked whenever he felt like it, which wasn’t very often. He refused to act like a father (except to our daughter) or a decent husband. I realized the kids and I couldn’t live with him anymore and I seriously contemplated leaving him.

  I went in to see Coleman. “Nothing has really changed. In fact, Lee has gotten worse. He is so unkind to my kids. He favors Ashley and it hurts her siblings. I can’t reason with him. How do I help my kids?”

  “Can you share with me what he has done?” Coleman asked.

  “He is always videotaping Ashley and that’s fine but the only time he tapes the other kids is when they make a mistake or he catches them in an embarrassing situation. He always finds ways to make them feel stupid. When Ashley was two, Kristy was carrying her around and she accidentally dropped her. Ashley was fine but he aimed the camera at Kristy and made her apologize to Ashley over and over. He made her cry and he said she was stupid, clumsy, and irresponsible. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen to me. Then he took the camera over to his mother’s house, and while we were there he played it for her over and over. They just laughed at Kristy and she was so embarrassed. I was so angry but I couldn’t do anything to help her. He constantly belittles the kids and I am so worried about what this is doing to them.”

  “Bring your children in and I will talk to them,” Coleman said.

  One by one I brought the three oldest kids to see Coleman and he talked to them separately. Afterwards he called me into his office. “I didn’t understand what you were telling me a year ago, how difficult and harmful it’s been to the kids. I’m so sorry. With the things, you and your kids are telling me it sounds like Lee might have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now I’m no psychiatrist, but here is an article I want you to read. You can draw your own conclusions. It might be a good idea for you to separate for a time from Lee. Just think about it. Now I am not advocating divorce, but that man is destroying your children. You need to get him out of their lives, at least until he decides he needs help.”

  I also shared my fears about Lee running off with Ashley. He prayed with me and helped me to trust God for Ashley’s future.

  Lee and I already had planned a camping trip for Kristy’s thirteenth birthday a couple days after my appointment with Coleman and Kristy was really looking forward to it. She had already invited four of her closest friends. I figured I’d let my kids have a little fun before I brought up my thoughts about separating from Lee. The boys were going to stay with their cousins.

  I kept the girls company in the back of the van while Ashley snoozed in her car seat. The trip started out fine, but as soon as we set up camp Lee kept finding reasons to yell at Kristy. I tried to keep things peaceful and every time he yelled I’d grab Kristy and her girlfriends and we’d take a walk or go hang out by the river to get away from him.

  On the last day, he called out to Kristy. “You and your friends take the dirty dishes over to the river and wash them. Then you can pack them up and put them away.”

  “Okay, Lee,” Kristy said.

  “Take Ashley, too. Me and your mom are busy.”

  Lee and I stayed back and packed up the rest of the belongings. “Hey, let’s fool around. The girls will be over there for a while.”

  “No, I wouldn’t be very comfortable doing that.” I felt disgusted, I never wanted him to touch me again.

  Coming over to me, he slipped his hand underneath my blouse.

  “Come on let’s have some fun.”

  “No! Stop it!”

  He turned away angrily.

  Just then I heard Kristy call out to me with a fearful tone in her voice. “Mom, Come here quick. Ashley fell in the creek and now she is all wet.”

  I could see by the scared look on her face she was hoping her stepdad wasn’t in earshot.

  “It’s okay. I have some dry clothes.”

  Lee ran ahead of me and scooped up Ashley. His face was purple with rage. “I told you to keep an eye on her. You’re so irresponsible. You can’t even watch your little sister for five minutes. I can’t trust you with anything.”

  I got the feeling he overreacted more than usual because I had just spurned his sexual advances and he was taking it out on Kristy.

  Kristy grimaced and cringed while Lee berated my sweet daughter and her face grew red with humiliation. Looking towards the ground she clenched and unclenched her fists while trying to hide her tears.

  “Get over here and change her into some dry clothes. If you think you are capable of doing that?” Lee continued to yell at her.

  “It’s her birthday and you are embarrassing her in front of her friends. Leave her alone.”

  “You’re always taking her side. Just for that she is grounded when we get home.”

  Kristy’s friends stood by watching, obviously feeling uncomfortable while Lee continued calling her names and making her feel worse than she already did.

  I stood their feeling helpless, as he continued to belittle her. I could see my words didn’t make any difference and I did not want to keep arguing in front of Kristy’s friends. I just wanted him to shut up. Kristy’s friends followed her to the van and I continued to glare at Lee. She had already been through enough. Leave her alone I was silently screaming. God, please do something! I’m sorry but I
hate this man. He is destroying my children!

  Later as we finished loading the van, Lee poured himself a bowl of cereal. “Kristy where is my big spoon?”

  She came running to him carrying a small, white plastic spoon, still eager to please him.

  “What’s this? I’m a big boy. I need a big spoon.” He threw it back at her. “I told you to keep my big spoon out when you were washing the dishes. Once again, you prove you have no common sense. You’re irresponsible and you don’t listen! Now find me the big spoon. I don’t care if you have to go through everyone one of those boxes.”

  With tears pouring down her face Kristy and I quickly rummaged through the boxes while Lee stood by watching with a smirk on his face.

  “Mom,” she whispered. “He ruined my birthday and keeps yelling at me in front of my friends. I hate him. I hate him.”

  “Shush, don’t let him hear you. Don’t say that. It’s wrong to say that. Let’s just hurry and find the spoon so we can leave this place.” Why didn’t I let her talk about her feelings? She had a right to feel that way. I felt the same way she did.

  “Mom, I never want to go camping with him again.”

  “I know, me too,” I said as I stroked her hand.

  Holding Ashley in his arms Lee said in a loud voice, “You’ll never be stupid like your sister is.”

  “Just leave her alone,” I shot back.

  But he wouldn’t shut up and he just went on verbally abusing my precious daughter while I stood by feeling powerless to do anything.

  That was the last straw! Once again, I had failed to stand up for my children. I knew I would never be strong enough to defend them or myself with him in our lives. As we drove away from the campgrounds, I knew in my heart it was over.

  33

  A New Start