Chik~Lit for Foxy Hens

by Ervin, Sharon

  “Sam, I’m going to do it! I’m learning to trust myself more and more every day. I know Beth, she’ll not only understand, she’ll encourage me. She’s tried for years to persuade me that corrective surgery isn’t a moral sin, just a medical procedure. You always told me that when my gut had something to say, I needed to listen. I hear it. I’ll tell you a secret too. When Pandie talked to me it just didn’t feel right. I can’t put it into words, it just felt a little off.” I tossed the rock and watched the circles of water expand. “You’re absolutely right, I’m not dead yet, so there’s no point in acting like I am. Waiting’s no kind of life. So, I expect you to hang around with me in that surgery room. Make them do me right. And not I’m not going to tell Pandie. Beth can call her after I’ve had the surgery.”

  Chapter 9

  “BETH”

  “Mom, Dr. Chapman told me that you’re going to be a more beautiful woman.” Beth looked at me. “That must be the pressure bandage Dr. Chapman described to us, the one he said he’d use immediately after the surgery. “By the way, he told me he had to use those words more beautiful because otherwise Daddy would come back to haunt him.” Beth started gathering our things, her book, my purse, and the car keys from her pocket. “Can you believe that this was out-patient surgery? All those years you and I talked about how you hated hospitals as a reason not to have this done. Now we find out that we were wrong all along.” Beth helped me up. I felt a little woozy but Beth held my arm on the way to the car. “Does it hurt?” she asked. I shook my head no.

  Beth opened the car door for me and said, “Just think, you’ll be all well for your cruise. I think this calls for new clothes, Mom. New clothes for a new woman.” Beth moved the tail of my skirt to avoid catching it as she shut the car door. On our way out of the parking lot she stopped the car and looked at me. “Mom, you’ve just got to promise me one thing.” I nodded yes. “Promise me that you won’t let Pandie see you until I can be there to watch. She’s going to be one jealous woman and I damn sure don’t want to miss it.” I started shaking my head no.

  “Yes, she is Mom. Anyone who takes credit for another person’s ideas, for their work, has to be a jealous person. It’s important that you know that so you can protect yourself.” The driver in the car behind us honked, probably tired of waiting. Beth turned on her signal, “When this is out in the open even you’ll be able to see it. But only when we’re ready. I’ve already called Pandie to say that one of your Aunts got sick and you had to go out of state. I told her you’d call when you got the chance.” As we turned left onto the road home I felt fatigue overwhelm me. I’d been so anxious about my decision, about hiding my surgery from Pandie. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. It bothered me that Beth seemed so angry. She seemed to have focused all the anger she felt about Sam’s death onto Pandie who hadn’t done anything but be nice to Beth. I wanted Beth to drop it. I wanted us to get along. For God’s sake, didn’t Sam’s death show us how quickly things can change, how important it is to love in the moments we have?

  “You just trust me on this one, Mom. You’ll see. Dad and I’ve known it for a long time.” Beth’s sudden laughter shocked me. “You know how Dad liked to be right about repairs.” I wanted to laugh at that, Sam had been insistent that he could repair anything, but we always, well almost always, had to call a repairman to fix Sam’s work. “Don’t laugh Mom, you know what Dr. Chapman said, “That chin implant might wind up on your nose if you start moving your face too much!”

  Chapter 10

  “PANDIE”

  On my way to the “unveiling” I wondered how Bertha would look. I just couldn’t imagine. Didn’t even tell me she’d decided to do it. So not like Bertha. But then she’d been full of surprises these days. Who would’ve thought she had a great body under all that weight? It almost made me want to be fat so that I could lose weight for the fun of feeling better looking than ever. I hoped her surgery turned out the way she wanted it. Well, maybe not too much. Honestly, how can it work if both of us are pretty? I calmed myself with the thought that Bertha having a chin might be an improvement, but pretty? I doubted it. I mean a pretty Bertha could change everything. I’m smarter than Bertha thinks. I know that she believes from her martyr way of looking at things that she’s the good one in our friendship. And maybe there’s some truth to that. Okay, I can’t really argue there.

  But what she never considers is how it’s felt all these years to be the object of envy she won’t even admit? I can bear knowing that she considers me a thief of her ideas because I’ve used her ideas and taken credit for them. But what Bertha’s really mad about is her unwillingness to take risks. Maybe that’s what feeling ugly has done to her. All I know is that it’s miserable when she blames me for the way I look, as if my good looks are something I stole that rightfully belonged to her. Since she won’t admit that’s how she sees things, it’s pretty damn hard to defend myself, can’t you see? It’s Bertha’s envy that’s prevented us from really being close. If she couldn’t handle my good looks, why did she hang around all these years? Screw this bullshit. This is Bertha I’m talking about. No matter how the package is wrapped she’ll still be the old Bertha. There, that’s better, my shoulders had dropped to their normal position instead of up around my ears.

  As I pulled into the driveway I felt all trembling inside. My God, you’d think this was a big deal. I mean I’m shocked that Bertha had the surgery. After we had talked it over, I thought I’d convinced Bertha that this wasn’t a good idea. With all the changes she’d faced when Sam died, why would she add a new face to the equation? I smoothed a wrinkle from my slacks. Today I’d dressed in my most flattering color, deep whiskey, a perfect backdrop from my new and improved blonde hair.

  Beth opened the door, “Pandie, we’ve been waiting. Go sit in Dad’s easy chair.” I winced when Beth referred to the chair as her Dad’s. It seemed to me that Sam lingered too much with Beth and Bertha. Bertha was noticeably absent. If this had been a movie then the music would get louder and louder about now.

  “Want something to drink?” Beth asked me in a way that made me doubt the old familiarity we’d had when she’d been younger.

  “A cola would be good, whatever kind you have, but preferably loaded with caffeine.” We both relaxed into a laugh. “I guess your Mom’s waiting to make an appearance with her new chin.” Even I could hear the tackiness in my voice. I could tell that Beth had noticed it too, because she’d banged a cabinet door shut. I could have said her new “beauty.” I just didn’t believe in that word for Bertha. It sort of gagged me to even think about it.

  Beth handed me the drink. I tried to keep my hand steady when I accepted it. She sat on the sofa with a suspiciously smug look on her face. It was clear to me that Beth thought the surgery was a raving success. Once I knew about the surgery, I’d tried to get Bertha to let me see her two weeks before, when the doctor had told her everything was healing nicely. But she wouldn’t have it. She’d insisted in a way she never had before, that I was not to come see her.

  “Come on out, Mom.”

  Could this be Bertha? She was so stunning that it brought tears to my eyes for both of us. All of a sudden I felt dowdy and old. My wool slacks with the matching sweater felt dated. Bertha’s mouth now had a sumptuous look to it that I’d never seen. Her face looked thin, her cheekbones more defined. Since Sam’s death Bertha had let her hair grow longer. But it had never looked like this. Now it had that layered, sassy, look that was so popular. She’d lightened her hair with red high lights that complimented her skin. Quite a shock to me. I took her in from head to toe, the critical way that only a woman could do. She wore boots, jeans, and a form fitting olive green sleeveless turtleneck. The shoulders of the sweater were inset. She looked California healthy. Bertha was radiant. I felt sick about committing to the cruise. We were scheduled to leave next week.

  Chapter 11

  “BERTHA”

  Pandie couldn’t have been more complimentary. She really raved about my new l
ook. She even told me that she’d obviously been wrong to tell me to skip the surgery. But even though I liked my stronger chin, for the first time I admitted that the hair, the body, the style had always been there if I’d been willing to see them. Instead of focusing on what I’d had, I’d focused on the one thing that was wrong. Now I understood, that I’d always had assets if I’d only seen them. I looked into the full-length mirror in our bedroom. Sam’s absence rang like a bell in the silence.

  Damn it Sam. Why didn’t I listen to you? I want to give you this new and improved woman to love. I want you to make love to this confident, passionate me, the one who has been there all along.

  I collapsed on the bed. I knew I could start down that path of regret or I could make the most of this day, this present moment. I knew that the choice was mine. It helped me to remember what Beth had said to me as I got dressed that first time when Pandie came over to see the new me.

  “Mom, we need to have a talk.” Beth brushed her auburn hair in deliberate strokes.

  “What talk?” I’d asked as I buckled the new belt for my new jeans both in sizes I never dreamed I would wear.

  “The talk about how gorgeous you are now and how Daddy’s not here to see it? The talk about any guilt you might let spoil this for you and for me too.”

  I sat down beside Beth. I took the brush from her hand and laid it on the bed. She put her soft hand into mine. We had clung to each other since Sam’s death. Now we simply didn’t tolerate walls between us, walls of anger and hurt that we hadn’t even noticed before Sam’s death. This grieving had been both a solitary and a shared experience. I knew that Beth had taken comfort in being a source of strength for me. I knew that in some ways she’d been mothering me for awhile. I had permitted it because she’d needed it. But I knew that children were not meant to parent their parents. It was time that I gradually began to reclaim my role as mother, the role that would help her in her move toward full independence. But that didn’t mean I had to be dishonest with her.

  “I do feel guilty. Sam never once complained about how I looked, but I had no idea then that I could look so much better.” I squeezed her hand. “I know Sam loved me for what was inside, but he would have liked it even better if he could have seen what was possible on the outside.”

  “Mom, I’m telling you straight up. Dad could not have loved even a teaspoonful more than what he did. The man worshiped you. When you were gone he just wasn’t as much himself as he was when you were there.” Beth stood up and began to braid her long hair. “You know that you and Dad just had that connection. The sparks flew from Daddy whenever you walked into the room.” She put a rubber band on the tail of her braid. “Don’t forget for one minute that Daddy’s letter to you wanting you to get the surgery was for you to see how beautiful you were. It wasn’t like he thought he’d be here to enjoy it.” The quiver in Beth’s voice got me off my feet. “If you don’t enjoy this Mom, it’s like, well it’s like tossing Daddy away too.”

  Beth was as she would say, “straight up” right. I looked at her and fluffed my hair that the stylist had whispered to me was the just f___ed look. “I intend to savor every second of this experience. I intend to become a mall rat, you know I’ll always be lurking around looking for new clothes. I’ll become shopper of the year, a new outfit for every occasion.” I adjusted my turtleneck.

  “Don’t get carried away.” Beth stood at the bedroom door. And then the thing that I’d prayed for happened. I could feel Sam’s presence in the room. Even though we didn’t speak I felt his smile warm me. I looked at Beth with hope that she could feel it too, but no she hadn’t. I could see that just by looking at her.

  “Mom you look like a light bulb that’s just been turned on. Maybe I should give a speech to every woman I know.”

  “Honey, send them to the surgeon first!”

  I felt Sam leave. He would show up for Beth one of these days, in a moment that was truly hers. I just knew he would.

  Chapter 12

  “ELLIE”

  “Ellie Loft” my nametag read. At the get acquainted party the first night of our cruise I only remembered to respond after a short pause. No one but Sam had ever called me that. Pandie refused to use my “Ellie” name. Said she just couldn’t remember it. I believed her. I’d noticed recently my own touch-and-go memory. But I wished she’d at least look at my nametag as a reminder. “Ellie,” felt like Sam. Sam felt good/sad all at the same time. But now less sad. After a year, despite my guilt, I wanted a vibrant life more than ever. I believe getting older and losing Sam heightened my appreciation for the “sweetness” of just being alive. Sam would not have tolerated “self-pity,” had I been the one who’d died first. His natural zest for life couldn’t have been enclosed.

  I no longer felt like a Bertha. But using my new name also felt like a loss. Funny, the name Bertha had been a burden to me, but it had also given me something, time and a reason to develop talents that didn’t depend on good looks. I was sorry that I hadn’t been able to make the name Bertha into a name that I could cherish, but I felt sure that somewhere in the world there were women named Bertha that changed what had felt like a curse to me into something charmed. Good for them!

  “Hasn’t anyone told you that get acquainted parties usually involve talking to people?”

  I looked up to catch a good-looking man staring at my nametag.

  “Ellie’s a good name for you. Ever notice how some names just fit someone. Or maybe the person just fits someone else’s idea of that name.” Robert Harper’s hand felt warm as I shook it.

  “I don’t know whether your name fits or not, but you’ve got a nice handshake, warm friendly.” Who was this person? Bertha would never have said that. I reassured myself, it was just Ellie talking. I told myself that everything’s okay. I can trust Ellie. Sam did.

  “Can I buy you a drink?”

  Before I could answer, Pandie had walked up, obviously wanting an introduction. I knew the drill, when Pandie arrived, and it usually was an arrival, men turned into puddles just begging for her to step on them. I’d seen it so many times that it had almost ceased to amaze me.

  “Well, Bertha’s slow tonight, so I’ll just introduce myself, Pandie Kitt.” Pandie said this as the spaghetti strap to her lemon colored dress fell off her tanned shoulder. Always beautiful, tonight was no exception. I felt resigned but I also felt something new and wonderful. I felt glad that Pandie was beautiful. Given my recent changes, I wanted all women to feel beautiful. This made me laugh for this new ability to imagine the world and my place in it differently. I felt some ease inside as I let go of the competition for men that had been so much a part of my life. I’d thought that this was something Pandie suffered. That I was above it. I guess none of us totally escape what society teaches us. I’d never felt so free. I wanted to hug Pandie right then and there. I loved her, loved us so much.

  Robert had a puzzled look on his face, “Pandie, meet Robert Harper, the man who just told me that my name “Ellie” fit me like a glove.”

  Robert looked at Pandie, “She’s no Bertha! She’s an Ellie if I ever saw one.”

  I could see Pandie’s crestfallen look. I was not so free that I didn’t recognize when a war tactic hadn’t worked in quite the way intended by the attacker.

  “Pandie fits her name, I know. I knew it the very first time we met over twenty years ago. Pandora was a beautiful woman given everything by the Gods. So’s my friend.” I linked my arm with Pandie’s.

  “Harper,” hmm, I once knew a man by that name, stud comes to mind.” Pandie said this in a Mae West sort of way.”

  “Stud, I can go with that. What do you think Ellie? Think stud and Harper fit like a glove?” Robert looked so directly into my eyes I felt he could read my mind, something that made me very uncomfortable. Brown eyes, salt and pepper hair, a smile that could light up a room. That’s as far as I got. I refused to go any further.

  “Why not? I’ve found life to be full of possibilities.” Robert smiled. He
took Pandie by the arm and me by the waist as he walked us to towards the bar.

  “Not for me Robert, I’ve had enough. I intend to spend my first morning on this ship waiting for sunrise so I don’t miss a thing.” I could see the disappointment on his face, which pleased me immensely.

  “Not to worry, Harper, for me the night’s just started.” Pandie lifted her glass in a salute before she took a drink.

  I did want to see the sunrise. Besides I could see that Pandie had decided that Harper would be a tasty morsel. I had no intention of interfering. Even the thought felt like a betrayal to both Sam and Beth. I said a hasty goodnight and went to my cabin. I took the long way just to linger with the ocean smell awhile. I felt my own smallness in the immensity of this endless ocean and sky. I believed that we were all a part of a bigger plan, an endless cycle of life and death, I wasn’t as comfortable with that thought as I’d like to be. Despite having watched Sam’s death, I had not yet made peace with the prospects of my own. This was a fear I rarely took out of the closet. I would see on this cruise if I could make peace with this new adventure that all people had to take. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life running. These thoughts were not the thoughts I’d been expecting to have on my first night of the cruise. What exactly had I been expecting? Time to be honest. I had wanted to meet a man. I wanted to share my journey in life with a buddy, a lover, a friend.

  I’d learned Sam’s letter by heart. His postscript had become my mantra. Now it was up to me whether I accepted it.