Seeking Nirvana

by V. L. Brock

  I didn’t have to see whether Liam’s jaw was working under his flesh, or Hell in his eyes to know that he was losing it. I turned the corner, hoping to bring an end to the out of hand discussion.

  “Another chance to what? Not end up with the same result, maybe a little understanding?”

  “Hey,” I muttered, wrapping the robe tighter around my naked body, and hoping that with each step I took, my secrets weren’t being exposed. I halted halfway down the case, my back resting against the wall to my left.

  Walker’s eyes burned into me. “Kady,” he gasped through a grin. I know it shouldn’t have, but the way he made my name sound like ‘Katy’, the pleasant lilt in his voice, alongside his expression, had my chest tightening. Not to mention the leather jacket, jeans, and boots he was wearing. Without his flat-cap, I could actually admire the full view. His hair was a light brown, short at the back and sides, longer on top. It looked like he just ran his hands through it, but was still kind of sexy. His facial hair was a little longer than what it was the last time I saw him.

  “Walker, it’s nice to see you again. It’s been a while.” Thirteen days, five and a half hours, but who’s counting?

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, things…crept up. How you doin’? You’re looking well.”

  I let my lips roll free as I sheathed my teeth, causing a little pop to sound from the motion. “Liam’s been taking care of me,” I forced a smile, knowing damn well that if my needs as a woman were being met, it may have sparked something, or at the very least, diffused the walking time bomb that is my volatile boyfriend.

  Walker flashed Liam a look, his eyes tightening dangerously. “Really?” he sounded surprised.

  “What’s the matter, Kady, baby?”

  “The um…”––I pointed up the stairs––“the shower is having a hissy fit again. I can’t for the life of me work out how the pressure goes. It’s like a fucking space launch panel in that bathroom.”

  “Yeah, you never could get the hang of it,” Liam sniggered, shaking his head and wrinkling his nose.

  I briefly overheard Walker whisper something that sounded like, “Anili.” Furrowing my brow, I idly wondered whether that was some Irish term for, idiot. I may have come across as one, but still, I didn’t appreciate it being pointed out.

  “Go on up, baby, I’ll come and help you now, let me see Walker out a minute.”

  I smiled. “Okay. Bye, Walker.”

  His eyes lingered on me for far too long. My body was heating under his scrutiny and muscles were tightening painfully. When he muttered, “See ya, Kady,” in that seductive brogue, I felt a pooling deep down low, and as the air was exorcized from my lungs, I wished the lustful, needy demon that awoke with a vengeance at the mere sound of his voice, was exorcized from my body.

  I stepped out of the shower, propped my leg onto the edge of the bathtub and began to dry my body. Sensitivity shot through me, and tingles soon followed as I rubbed the material over the summit of my inner thighs.

  That’s when I noticed them.

  Small round and oval silver markings scattered out like some dot-to-dot puzzle covering both my inner thighs. I grazed over the largest which was about the size of a quarter. The flesh felt raw, like someone was stabbing me with a pin as my fingertip gently inspected the blemish.

  Thirteen round scars coated my flesh. They may not have been big, damn; they may not have been entirely visible until close inspection, still, I was inundated with shame––shame and additional questions that I needed to somehow find the answers to.

  I examined my body with a fine toothcomb afterward. The inside of my upper arm had four slight silver stripes which weren’t as sensitive as the ones on my legs, probably because they were less than half the size.

  I was scared. My body had been mutilated and I didn’t know why or how. Confusion bred from my moment of alarm. I was in the dark, and once again, I felt like I was getting sucked under by that God awful quicksand. Usually, I would have asked Liam why my body was defaced, what had happened and when? However, his demeanor over the recent days had me feeling like there was a chasm between us. I felt nervous and anxious even considering asking him, let alone actually doing it. I shook my head to myself. The likelihood of him being a vague as a Zen master finally bolstered my choice to keep this one to myself.

  Have you ever been asleep and had a sensation, a gut-feeling if you will, that something wasn’t quite right? Well that’s what happened that night.

  I couldn’t even remember falling asleep; I had purposely forced myself to stay awake in hope that Liam would accept my advances when he found my naked ass waiting up for him. Alas, I woke to an empty, cold bed and to the faint sound of mumbling and chuckling echoing from down the hall.

  I kicked the satin comforter back, shielded my naked body with my ivory robe, and tread quietly down the passage. It was 2:34 a.m., and the door to his home office was ajar. The closer I stepped, the louder his voice became.

  The painted wall chilled my right shoulder even through my robe, as I rested against it, while I bowed to The Devil on my shoulder as he compelled me to listen to the one sided conversation.

  “Yes, I understand…no, that’s no problem at all, whatever you need…I’m excited, too…I’ll make the arrangements by the end of the week and I’ll let you know…okay, bye.”

  Hearing the receiver being placed in the cradle, only three words repeated in my mind like a mantra…what the fuck?

  Quietly pushing the door open farther, I rested my shoulder against the doorway. Liam pushed himself back in his seat, his hands concealing his face. He was still in his shirt and black pants.

  “Who was that?” I muttered defiantly. I saw his shoulders jolt at the sound of my voice as I glared at his still form with stern, stony, accusing eyes.

  He scuffed his hands down his face. “That would be, Mr. Yoshimotto. DeLaney Constructs has landed the contract for his newest hotel,” he smiled at the achievement.

  Eyebrow arched, I folded my arms across my chest. “Business calls at 2:34 in the morning?”

  “Time zones, Kady, baby. It’s late afternoon in Tokyo.”

  I stepped over the threshold and gingerly strolled to Liam’s desk. The glow of the full moon lit up the passing clouds in the sky as I peeked out of the window behind him.

  “They’ve called a meeting, so I need to fly out at the end of the week, or the beginning of next week at the very latest.”

  “Hmm…” I gave a faint nod, and rounded his desk. Stopping in front of him, I slipped my body onto the cool, oak surface, hiding my shock as the coolness connected with my naked behind. “How long will you be gone for?”

  “About five days, maybe a week. But it gives you more time to hang out with Liv.”

  I rolled my eyes and nodded.

  The material whined as he shifted in the seat. “You seem bothered by something, baby. What’s the matter?”

  That’s funny; I’ve been thinking the exact same thing about you.

  “Kady?”

  After a few torturous moments, I finally spoke. “What happened between us, Liam?” His brow crumpled, his lips pursed. “I may not remember the last three years and what we were like. But I remember what we were, the passion, and the need.”

  His hands found their way into his slicked back, brown hair. “Kady,” he rasped my name on a hefty sigh.

  “What happened? Because I have been throwing myself at you and you keep rejecting me. This isn’t what I remember us being like. Are there problems…sexually, with one of us?”

  “Kady,” he chided, and the underlying tone of his voice had my eyes widening and my body jolting backward.

  “Liam, I’m sorry. I don’t want to offend, but…God only knows how many photos we’ve sifted through, you’ve taken me back to parks, diners and beaches that we have visited, but nothing is coming back to me. The only thing that I remember us being is now nonexistent. If I can feel that connection between us, maybe the rest will follow.”


  A deathly silence echoed around the office. I didn’t want to provoke him further, not after the behavior he exhibited earlier that night. This time, I was on my own; no one would have been here to help if things got too heated.

  His elbows rested on the arms of his seat. His brow rested on locked hands as he hung his head forward. “Kady,” he murmured, scuffing his hands down the length of his face once again. His green and blue speckled eyes were hooded, confounded. “I don’t want to take advantage of your condition.”

  That deep, thick, throaty laugh which came from me, could not have been kept in check, no matter how hard I tried. Leaning forward, I grasped the arms of his seat and wheeled him between my legs. “Liam, how is having sex with me taking advantage, when I am begging for you to just ravage me. If I couldn’t remember what we had, and you told me about it, then expected that of me, then that would be taking advantage of the situation. Please.” Raising my legs, I set them on the arms of the chair, giving him an unobstructed view of what I needed him to claim, what I hoped would have been the catalyst to regain my three years. “I need this.”

  The feral growl that left him as he shunted himself out of the leather had me quivering alone. Forceful hands promptly fisted into my hair as he slanted his mouth over me, and dipped his tongue into my opening. He held my head firmly, taking what he wanted from me as I freely gave, with approving groans traveling along frenzied pants.

  Yes, this is what I remember. Unable to contain my excitement and arousal as he finally succumbed to what I had been aching for, I sunk my fingers in the gaps between the buttons of his shirt, and pulled it open with all my might, the buttons tinkling as they scattered over the wooden flooring.

  He was standing between my thighs, his body towering over me as I locked my lengthy legs around his hips, and shimmied to the edge of the desk as I sought contact with my objective. Fingers loosened and left my hair. I felt my nipples tightened, and welcomed my body’s incessant squirming as skillful hands which I remembered, began to work south, caressing my neck and throat, until, like the savage I knew was inside him, he ripped my robe open, and gazed down at me as his lips fell away from my own.

  My hands were wild, frantic as I traveled over his warm, hard body, his chest hair tickling my palm as I traced over his Chinese symbol, while the spikes of the spider’s web on the left of his neck pulsated. It was like reacquainting myself with an old toy, every little area seemed so new, so thrilling.

  Pants unzipped, I lowered them over his hips and cupped his weighty balls, before slithering my hand up his growing length as he molded my tits in his hands. He tweaked my nipple with such force I felt it in the pulsation of my clit, and I had no choice but to cry out with both pleasure, and pain.

  “Oh, God, Liam,” I rasped, my hips bucking as he bored his fingers inside me. He opened the top drawer of the desk, and handed me the foil packet before slamming it shut. The vibrations of the desk stroked at my core and journeyed through my shameless body, while he circled his fingers, sweeping the source of my lust with his occupied hand.

  Ripping the packet, I smoothed the rubber down his steel length. His fingers left the warm, doused surroundings of my pussy, and without warning, he slammed his cock inside, burying himself to the root. I groaned at the invasion, tipping my head back as he masked his face in the curve of my neck. My hips were held with potent hands as he rammed himself into my body and jerked his hips back methodically.

  Grinding and grunting against my flesh, he kept his head concealed as I circled my arm around his neck. You didn’t have to be a sex expert to know that he was holding back. His thrusts weren’t as powerful as I needed and wanted them to be. He dragged his hips back and impaled me again, still the vigor I needed, the techniques he used to use on me, weren’t there.

  Panting, I pleaded for him to do me harder, faster, rougher, just like I remembered. But my pleas went unanswered and two thrusts later, Liam stilled, his body shuddering. Sniffling, he pulled out of me, and drew himself from the curve of my neck. He didn’t once look at me, and I couldn’t help but sit on his desk, legs spread and mouth agape, as for the first time I can remember, he left me totally unsatisfied.

  Confounded, I watched on as he slipped off the condom, knotted it up, and tossed it in the waste basket before folding himself back into his pants and sinking into his seat.

  Nothing needed to be said. I knew he was holding back from me and his expression…he looked disgusted, like he had been coerced into doing some devious, sickening act.

  I nodded and silently slipped myself from his desk. With a barely audible disapproving sigh, I began to advance toward the entrance to do something I had no recollection of ever doing before. To finish myself off.

  I halted at the doorway before taking a step over the threshold and turned to face him. He didn’t notice me flashing him a scowl, because he was too busy embedding his face in his hands. “I’m sorry that I disgust you,” I murmured through the lump forming in my throat, and began to walk away.

  I didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that I thought I disgusted him, or the fact that he didn’t deny my assumption.

  Chapter Six

  My mind swam as shapes and colors melded into one. My hand felt like it was on fire, but after a while, the fire lost its heat and just the methodical action of nails scraping up and down the back of my hand took its place.

  I sighed, and continued to get lost in my own silent musings.

  Lost…could I possibly get anymore further away from my destination?

  Liam’s voice was a distant hum, so distant, it was impossible for me to even attempt to reach out and have it reel me back. And a part of me didn’t want to be reeled back. Things weren’t making sense anymore. My life had become unrecognizable. Each day I became more and more disinclined to step foot out of the front door. I didn’t want to talk to people. Nevertheless, I did secretly question why my parents hadn’t even contacted us to see how I was.

  I found myself craving an escape, an escape that I found in my mind by allowing the world around me to fade into nothingness. An escape I uncovered and was running toward more and more. An escape I was using to drown out my emotional and mental hurt that was being inflicted by the one person who I loved. It was an escape where I strived to ball all of the emotions which I couldn’t face, which were proving too challenging to overcome, and to somehow…just release it.

  “And apparently…reception for cell-phones…so good, but don’t…little head, baby, I’ll ring every night, okay?”

  I overheard him mutter my name. However, my own private world was holding me, restraining me and I couldn’t pull myself out of the quicksand. I dug my nails into the raw flesh even harder, scraping and chaffing until I could get that fire burning again.

  “Kady!?” he shouted, throwing something into the gradually lined case that lay waiting to be filled, on the bed.

  The sound had me jolted, my hands raised to protected my face as I cowered. “I’m sorry,” I blurted instantaneously. Renouncing a form of protection which for some reason, came as naturally as breathing, I hesitantly lowered my hands from my face. “I must have blanked out for a moment.”

  He stepped towards me and grasped my hands in his. “Hey, what’s all this about, Kady?” He studied the fiery red blemish on the back of my left hand and the blood under the nails of my right.

  I shook my head with a deep crease spanning my forehead. “I didn’t know I was…” I peeked up to see his firm, determined face, and suddenly, the wave of shame had doubled. “I’m sorry, Liam.”

  Freeing my right hand, he tipped my head back with his index finger set under my chin. I felt uncomfortable and particularly anxious with having his eyes gazing into me that intently, especially after his sharp moods. “You know we don’t keep secrets from each other. What’s playing on your mind, Kady, baby? Let me help you.”

  I sank into the bed, into his clutch on my chin as his pacifying tone thawed my hesitation. “I was thinking about my parents and B
rittany.”

  “Oh?” he sounded skeptical. “Well, do you want to talk about it, baby?” He rested next to me on the foot of the bed. The ivory satin throw made it near enough impossible to perch yourself on the edge without slipping.

  I shimmied myself up further before speaking. “I was out cold for four days. In ten days total, they came to see me once. They didn’t come back when they said they would. I’ve been home for nearly two weeks, and not even so much as a phone call to ask if everything is okay.” I drew in a much needed breath before continuing. “Liam, if it was our child in the hospital bed, I wouldn’t have left her side. How can they not care? I don’t understand.”

  The gentle sensation of him rubbing his thumb over the back of my right hand had me lifting my head to look at him straight-on. The little V scored between his eyebrows. He licked his lips. “I’m sorry, Kady, baby. I didn’t want to worry you, but––”

  In a lightning flash, my bloodied, left hand was covering his, clutching pleadingly. “Worry me? Why Liam, what’s happened? Please tell me. Is everything okay?” I gushed, worry palpable in not only my tone, but in flared eyes which searched his for an answer.

  He slipped himself off the bed, left the room and trudged down the hall with me in tow, continuing to beg for pieces of information that he was blatantly withholding from me, like a dog for tidbits. We stepped into his office, where he dug out a large, gray file.

  “Your mom and dad have been under a lot of stress lately.”

  “Stress,” I responded while he pulled a document from the folder.

  “Your dad got himself into some trouble, and the business has been affected…”

  “What kind of trouble? How has the business been affected? Please, Liam. I don’t understand any of this.”

  His eyes hardened and his jaw tensed. “Calm down, Kady, baby,” he strained through gritted teeth in a tone I was becoming vastly familiar with. I hushed immediately. “I’m trying to explain. Marcus got himself wrapped up in some gambling. Jenson’s has been going under, so I have been loaning him money to keep them afloat. Here.”