Blue
Chapter 3
I was a little surprised by Blue’s lengthy message. He usually left little notes with powerful words. It seemed that this time he wanted to make sure I knew how much he supported me.
It meant the world to me that he would say such things about me. Even though we hadn’t met yet, I felt like he knew me—the real me. I sat back in my chair and smiled at the screen. His words had warmed my heart and renewed my determination.
Blue was right. It wasn’t just about marking something off my list. It was about freeing myself from a fear that had been hovering over me for the majority of my life. I was becoming a different person—brave and new—and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me.
I stood up from the chair, grabbed my purse, and hurried to the door before I could change my mind.
As soon as I closed the door behind me, all of my determination began to fade. I remembered that this wasn’t just some idea. I was actually going to voluntarily walk onto that bus and offer up my arm.
I gritted my teeth to keep them from chattering. I took a deep breath. I put one foot in front of the other. I moved forward sidewalk square by sidewalk square. I didn’t even notice the people around me or the usual shops that I passed. Instead, I kept my gaze to the dividing spaces between the squares of sidewalk. It was only a few more blocks.
I walked right past Fluff and Stuff. I walked right past the small city park where I liked to spend a little time tossing food to the ducks. I kept moving by never looking away from the sidewalk.
Then abruptly, I ran out of sidewalk. The screech of tires and the blare of a horn woke me up out of the nearly hypnotic state I had fallen into. I jumped back onto the curb just in time to avoid a yellow cab. The driver glared at me through the window.
“I’m sorry! I’m giving blood today!” I knew he couldn’t hear me. He wouldn’t understand even if he could. But the people around me waiting to cross the street looked at me strangely.
I sighed and shoved my hands into my pockets. It seemed like no one in the world understood just how hard this was for me. No one but Blue.
Then a great idea struck me. Max! Max was what I needed to get through this terrible experience. I was sure that he would drop everything and join me for my blood draw.
I stepped back from the curb and pulled my phone out of my purse. I dialed Max’s number. It didn’t occur to me just how early it was on a Saturday morning until Max’s sleepy voice filled my ear.
“Someone better be dead S,ammy.”
I cringed as I realized that I’d woken him up.
“Uh, no, not exactly.”
“It’s sleep-in Saturday, Sammy.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I forgot how early it was.”
“What is it?” He sounded a little more awake.
Max was always there for me no matter what I needed. I knew that this would be no different. Our friendship had endured ever since college, but I wasn’t sure if it could survive my waking him up on sleep-in Saturday for something that he would probably think was very silly.
“I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to donate blood this morning.” I braced myself for his reaction. Max was an amazing person, but he could be a little grumpy when I woke him up on sleep-in Saturday.
“You are?” He sounded surprised. “You’re going right now?”
“Yes.”
“Have you left the apartment yet?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. That’s a pretty big step. When you started talking about doing this I didn’t think you were really going to go through with it.”
I frowned. I couldn’t really blame him for his disbelief. I’d tried so many times before and failed to follow through.
“I’m really doing it this time.”
“That’s good, Sammy.”
“I mean it, Max.”
“I know you do. It’s great. Just remember—it’s okay if you can’t do it.”
“No, it’s not okay. I’m doing this today.”
“Alright. Good for you.”
I had the strong feeling that Max didn’t believe me. Even though he was saying all of the right things, it felt more like rehearsed responses than actual support.
“I have to go or I might miss the bus.”
“The bus? Do you need a ride?”
“No, the blood drive is on a bus.”
“Oh. One of those.” He yawned. “Okay, just call me if you get arrested or sedated.”
“Thanks, Max.”
He laughed a little. “I’m just kidding.”
I forced a laugh too. But I wasn’t feeling amused. I was beginning to feel the panic building within me. Max knew me better than anyone in the entire world. He knew that I would turn around and not go through with it.
“Sammy, do you want me to come with you?”
My heart warmed at his words. I wanted to scream—yes, yes, I do! But suddenly, I didn’t. I didn’t want Max to be there, waiting for me to fail. It wasn’t that he didn’t support me, he had just witnessed this too many times. Besides, in order to be truly brave, I needed to do this alone.
“No thanks, Max. But if you want to come by my place later to celebrate, that would be great.”
“I’ll be there. Now I’m going back to sleep.”
“Okay, sorry for waking you.”
“Never be sorry. Oh, and don’t punch anyone.”
“I won’t!” I laughed. Max really did know me too well.
After I hung up the phone I carefully crossed the street. I could already see the bus parked in the plaza up ahead.
Chapter 4
It was only a few more steps—just a few more deep breaths before I’d be there. I just had to keep moving. I thought about Blue and his determination that I could accomplish this. I thought about Max and his loving acceptance of me regardless of whether or not I could do this.
I knew that there was always going to be a little fear in me. Very few people in the world lived without fear. But I didn’t want this huge fear gnawing away at my insides every time I thought about donating blood.
There was already music playing. It drifted toward me. I let it wash over me, and closed my eyes for a moment. Music could relax me at even the most challenging of times. But it didn’t have that impact on me now. In fact, I felt even more jittery as I walked up to the bus.
There was a short line of people waiting to get on. A woman with a clipboard was walking around speaking to people. I shifted from one foot to the other. I hadn’t expected a line. I thought I would be able to just get in and out without the slightest wait.
Now that I was stuck in a line, I was really beginning to question my sanity. Why did I do this to myself when I could have just stayed home? Why did I have to pick the thing that was the most terrifying for me? I didn’t need to do this. I didn’t need to make this part of my bucket list. I didn’t need—
“Miss, could you fill out this form, please?” The woman with the clipboard handed me a form.
I stared at her as if she wasn’t quite real. Wordlessly I took the form. I rummaged in my purse for a pen. I would just fill out the form. Then if the line hadn’t gone down, I would leave. I had to be at work, after all. I couldn’t stand there all day.
By the time I finished the form, I was at the head of the line. I looked at the three steps that led onto the bus as if they were the tallest mountain in the world.
“Go on in.” The woman with the clipboard smiled at me. “As soon as you finish donating you get a free tote bag!”
I thought it was a little sadistic to be so friendly when people were about to be stabbed and bled dry. But I managed a small smile in return.
My legs trembled as I began climbing the steps. I’d made it this far. I had filled out the form and now I was almost all the way inside the bus. There were people behind me, so I technically couldn’t really turn around. I was on my way to getting over my greatest fear. I could do this. I could do this.
I took a deep
breath. No medical smell—I liked that. Outside the music played louder. Yes, I was a rock star. I was getting my groove on. I was going to finally donate blood!
At the top of the steps I turned to look down the long corridor of the bus. There were a few people seated on small reclining chairs. As I started to feel a surge of confidence, I caught sight of a nurse checking a needle. She held the point high into the air. It glistened in the light. I looked quickly away in an attempt to avoid a reaction to the sight of the needle. In the process of looking away, I caught sight of a thick bag filled with dark red blood.
And then—there was that toast I had eaten. Oh yes, it was looking for a way to escape.
“No!”
My sudden shout caused everyone in the bus to look up at me. I didn’t even have the chance to be mortified. I was in such sheer panic that my heart was racing. I spun around, lost in my fear, and slammed right into the person who was climbing the steps behind me. That person stumbled back into the person behind him. The person behind him fell back off the bottom step and landed flat on the sidewalk.
Normally I am a very caring person. But I just climbed my way over and around those people. I ran. I ran faster than I could ever recall running. I needed to get as far away from that needle and that blood as I could. I heard people shouting and even cursing behind me, but I ignored them all. I was keeping my blood right where it was and no amount of bravery was going to change that.
Chapter 5
I didn’t stop running until I was in front of Fluff and Stuff.
I gulped down air. I wasn’t exactly in shape to be sprinting. My heart was still racing. I felt a bit like I might pass out. Only as I began to calm down did I realize what I had done. Not only had I not given blood, but I had likely caused an injury or two.
I winced as I thought about the needle sticking up into the air. No matter how much I had prepared myself beforehand, the sight of that needle had been far too much for me. Then when I saw the blood, I thought I was going to lose my mind. So yes, I had plowed down good citizens who were only trying to be generous with their bodily fluids.
I searched through my purse for the keys to the shop. Fluff and Stuff was like a second home to me. I knew I could find some peace inside. As I huffed and puffed in an attempt to get my heart to slow down, I opened the door to the shop. Once I was inside with the door closed, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was all over. I was safe.
This sense of euphoria only lasted for a few minutes. I began the process of getting the laundromat ready to open for the day. As I straightened the items in the shop, my failure really set in.
I felt terrible. I’d tried my hardest and I had not been able to accomplish anything.
My cell phone rang. I knew it would be Max wanting to know how it went. I didn’t answer. I trusted Max not to gloat over my failure, but I knew that he had expected it.
I thought about having to post an update that declared I wasn’t able to check donating blood off my list. I thought about Blue reading about my failure. I took it hard.
By the time I unlocked the door and opened for business I was feeling pretty miserable.
I tried to convince myself that it was no big deal—that it was just something I couldn’t do, no matter how hard I tried. But I knew better. I knew myself well enough to be certain that if I had just pushed a little bit more, I would have succeeded.
Luckily it wasn’t long before my first customer came in. I was overly cheerful as I greeted the woman.
“How can I help you today?”
“I just want to do a quick load of laundry.” She had a small basket of clothing with her. “Do you have a gentle cycle?”
“Absolutely. We do also offer full service. But if you just want to do it yourself, you’re welcome to pop it in and check out the shop.”
“Sounds great.” She smiled and walked over to one of the washers.
After tossing her clothes in, she set her basket down on the floor. As she set down the basket, what was hidden underneath of it was revealed—a tote bag from the blood drive. I gulped and wondered if she had been there for my epic disaster.
“Mind if I relax a bit?” She walked over to one of the upholstered chairs. “I just gave blood and I’m feeling a little worn out from it.”
“Oh sure, of course. Can I get you some water or something?”
“I should be okay. I had some juice. I love being able to donate, but sometimes it seems like they’re getting every last drop.” She laughed and I shuddered with fear. “Have you gone yet?”
“Uh, no—well, I’m working.” I stumbled over my words and busied myself with the register even though I had nothing to ring up.
“Well, you should go, because they give you this great tote bag for free. I donate whenever I can. It makes such a difference, you know. I think about what would happen if I or one of my kids was in a terrible accident and there was no blood available. What a horrible thought. I mean, if people don’t donate, then it could happen.” She shook her head. “I never understand people who don’t. Of course there are always medical reasons, but otherwise I think that everyone should donate.”
I frowned as I continued to stare at the register. I knew that she was just chattering to pass the time. I knew that she wasn’t trying to offend or upset me, but I was a little offended and upset.
“What about people who have a fear of blood or needles?” I blurted out the question. I really needed to feel reassured.
“Look, I know there are people out there with those phobias. Kids, I can understand. But once you get to be an adult, I think you should be able to control that. If not, then maybe some therapy is in order. Really, how does one get through life with a fear like that?” She laughed a little.
I decided I did not like her. In fact, in my mind I was letting her know just how I felt. I knew that wasn’t fair, as I’d asked the question, but I didn’t care.
I hoped her laundry shrunk. I felt horrible for thinking it. As a laundromat manager, it was one of the worst things that I could think. But it was just how I felt in that moment. I knew I needed to find an escape before I exploded.
“I’m just going to check on something in the back.” I excused myself in an attempt to keep from saying anything that might cost Fluff and Stuff a customer.
As soon as I was alone in the storage closet I felt a surge of tears forming.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you cry, Samantha. You have no right to cry.” I spoke sharply to myself. “You aren’t the one lying in a hospital bed, wondering if there will be enough blood to keep you alive, now are you?”
I closed my eyes and realized I wasn’t going to make it. I wasn’t going to be able to get through the entire shift without losing it on someone. I decided to call one of the employees to come in to cover me.
Chapter 6
I never flaked on work because I loved my job. But I just needed to hide out and lick my wounds. I wanted to forget about what had happened that morning, and there was a good chance that there would be a flow of tote-bag-toting do-gooders coming in and out of the laundromat. I knew I had to go back out whether I wanted to or not.
When I stepped back out of the storage room, the woman seemed caught up with something on her cell phone. I was relieved that she was occupied. I felt a little silly for having to go home, but I needed to hide out and recover.
It wasn’t long before Sheila, a new employee, showed up to cover my shift.
“It’s pretty slow so far. Thanks for doing this.” I switched the register over to her log-in.
“It’s no problem. I was just going to head over and donate blood, so I was in the area anyway. I’ll just do it tomorrow.” She smiled at me.
I did my best to smile back at her.
While making my quick exit, I did my best to avoid the woman with the tote bag. She looked up just as I was stepping out.
“Don’t forget to donate!”
I bit back my scathing response and began slinking my way back to my apartment. As I
walked, I felt as if everyone was staring at me. I wondered if somehow someone had stuck a note to my back that declared, Did Not Donate.
I tried to keep as close to the buildings as possible. However, in doing that, I was making every indoor dog go flying to the front window. I was being followed by a chorus of judgmental stares and loud yapping dogs. I was almost to the corner before my apartment building when one of those rather large barking dogs slipped right out of the open gate of his tiny front yard.
When I heard the barking gaining on me I looked back over my shoulder. All I saw was snarling and drool. Earlier I thought I’d run as fast as I could, but it turned out that I could run faster!
As I ran, my mind filled with images of being torn to shreds by a massive dog. Then, of course, I thought about the fact that I would likely need a blood donation when all of this was over. What if they found out what had happened earlier? Would they still give it to me? Or would I be placed on some kind of “did not donate” list?
I heard a loud growl and snapping from behind me. I just knew that dog was about to sink its teeth into my meaty rear end. To my surprise, in the next moment the dog veered off around the corner after a very swift squirrel.
I gasped for breath as I reached my apartment, hurrying to unlock the door. I didn’t want to see a single person. I just wanted to hide.
As soon as I was inside, I flopped down on the couch. I huddled up and tried not to think about my morning. I was going to camp out on the couch and not answer my phone or my door.
Just when I started to get settled into this idea, I heard a chime from my computer. I cringed and burrowed deeper into the couch. I tried to pretend that I hadn’t heard it. After several minutes had passed, I couldn’t stand it. I knew that sound meant that I had a new message and that it was likely from Blue. I knew that he would be asking me about the blood drive, but I still wanted to see what he said.
I crawled off the couch and walked over to my computer. When I opened it, I saw that I had left my blog site up and running. The newest comment was from Blue.
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