SWF,
How are you, brave warrior? Any update on the blood draw?
Blue
As if they were synchronized, my cell phone beeped to alert me to a text message. I checked the text to see that it was from Max.
What’s going on? Did you get arrested?
I sighed and sent a text in return.
I’m home.
He didn’t text back. I wondered if he was disappointed in me or just busy.
I didn’t send a message back to Blue. I wanted to put off admitting my defeat for as long as possible.
As soon as I closed my computer I heard a light knock on the door. I recognized that knock right away.
“Come in, Max!” I called out.
He didn’t usually knock. He must have thought that I needed time to prepare for his entrance.
Max opened the door and stepped inside.
“So? Where’s your battle wound?” He looked into my eyes with concern.
I knew that he already knew, but he was trying to be polite.
“I couldn’t do it.” I hung my head.
I felt Max’s arm slip around my shoulders.
“What happened?”
“I was trying so hard to be brave. I climbed onto the bus and I was ready to get my free tote bag. But when I saw people already in there with the needles hooked in, I just couldn’t. I pretty much fell off the bus and knocked out a poor innocent bystander in the process. But I did try.” I lifted my eyes to his.
“You fell off the bus?” Max’s lips twitched in an attempt to disguise his amusement.
“Almost. Well, I landed on someone.” I sighed. “It doesn’t matter now, Max. The point is that I simply cannot donate blood.”
“But you must.” Max grasped my elbows firmly. “If you don’t do this now, Sammy, you might not ever get over this fear. What if I need your blood one day?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you planning on becoming a vampire?”
“What I do after sundown is my business.” He grinned. “But seriously, what if I’m injured? I don’t want to have some stranger’s blood flowing through my veins.”
“So you’re saying that I need to get over my fear of donating blood so that I will be ready and available to shore up your supply in the event of an emergency?”
“Exactly.” Max shrugged. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“We’re not even the same blood type.” I laughed.
“How do you even know that?” Max looked a little surprised. “Now I have to rethink my entire plan. Does that mean I can’t have your kidney?”
“Max, this isn’t a joke. I can’t believe that I wasn’t able to do it. I’m really upset about this.” I frowned.
He looked at me with sympathy. “I know you are. I was just trying to cheer you up a little.”
“Well, it’s not working.” I sighed. “I appreciate it though.”
Max stared at me for a long moment. “I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.”
“It’s okay. I just couldn’t do it.”
“Alright, I think I have a way to help you.” Max smiled that slow warm smile that always made my heart melt.
I did not regret my decision at all to let him be the one who helped me with this. The truth was, I would do anything for Max. He would have the best chance of getting me to give blood.
“How?” I leaned a little closer to him.
“Do you trust me?” He looked into my eyes with a steady gaze.
“Of course.”
“Then close your eyes.” He had a look of mischief on his face.
Chapter 7
My heart skipped a beat. Even though I knew that what we were discussing had nothing to do with romance, I couldn’t help but let my mind run wild. Maybe he would get me to close my eyes, and then finally kiss me. I nearly swooned at the idea. Damn right I closed my eyes.
I tried to make my lips look as sexy as possible. I pursed them just a little but kept them slightly apart. I tried to relax my facial muscles to avoid any wrinkles showing up.
In the middle of all of this, I realized that I might look like a fish. I grimaced and started to rearrange my lips. Before I could get them in the right position, I felt a light prick on my arm.
“Ow!” I jerked my arm away. “What the heck?”
“See, it didn’t hurt that much, did it?” Max was holding a small straight pin.
“Why would you do that to me?” I stared at him with shock.
Max’s smile quickly faded. “I was just trying to show you that it doesn’t hurt. It’s barely a prick, and then it’s over.”
“You!” I jumped up from the couch. “Give me that pin!”
“What? Why?” Max’s eyes widened with fear. “What are you going to do with it?”
“Oh, trust me, Max, just close your eyes!” I held my hand out for the pin.
“Sammy, calm down. You can’t tell me that hurt very much.” He backed away from me slightly.
I noticed that he closed his hand around the pin to keep it away from me.
“I don’t want it to hurt at all, Max. I don’t want to feel pain, and I don’t want to see blood oozing out of me!” I shuddered at the idea.
“Then don’t give blood.” Max furrowed his brow. “If it’s going to be that frightening for you, then maybe you shouldn’t do it.”
“Oh, you’re no help at all!” I was getting very frustrated. My arm still hurt from where he’d pricked it, and he was refusing to give me the needle so that I could get my revenge.
“I’m just trying to get you to lighten up about it a little bit.”
“How can I? It’s not something to laugh about. I should be able to do this.” I crossed my arms.
“Sammy, don’t you get it? Some people just can’t. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be afraid of something. Don’t you know that?”
I looked at him with surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I hate to see how hard you’re being on yourself when it isn’t your fault. You’re afraid of needles and you’re afraid of blood. That’s not because you don’t want to donate blood. You’re afraid of it for a reason. Something happened in your life that frightened you. Everyone is afraid of something, Sammy. So why are you trying to force yourself to do something that you have a right to be afraid of?” He shook his head. “You’re one of the kindest, most generous people I know. Isn’t that enough for you?”
I was stunned by his words. I’d never thought of it from that perspective. He was right. I was trying to force myself. I was trying to prove that I could overcome whatever I was afraid of, but I’d never thought much about why that fear still existed.
“Thanks, Max. That helped.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t. I mean it. It helped.”
“I should go.” He frowned as he turned toward the door. “Don’t ever think I don’t believe in you, Sam. I know you can do anything you choose to do. Sometimes I just wish you would treat yourself as kindly as you treat others.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. His words had caused me to rethink everything.
After Max left, I decided it was time to call it a day. I settled into my bed and tried to sort through my thoughts. Max’s words kept playing through my mind.
Why was I being so harsh on myself? Was my bucket list about growing and healing or was it about putting me through torture? I knew I wanted to give blood, but instead of taking some time to get comfortable with doing that, I had tried to force myself to drive right through the fear. It had worked for other new things I’d tried, but as Blue said, this wasn’t just a new thing, this was terrifying to me. Maybe if I’d been a bit more gentle with myself, I would have had success.
As I lay awake, I thought about all of the ways I had tried to bolster myself before going in for the blood draw. I’d told myself that I was capable of anything—that I needed to just push through my fear, that I needed to be strong.
I still did believe that I was capable of anything. The only difference was that I hadn’t accomplished what I had set out to accomplish. But the big question was, why? Why couldn’t I just push through it?
It occurred to me that maybe it isn’t always just mind over matter. Maybe why I felt the way I did mattered. Maybe that moment when I saw my friend tumble to the ground and slice open his knee had a bigger impact on me than just the fear of blood. I had felt so terribly guilty about chasing him down for a kiss. Just like I felt guilty about not donating blood. Maybe I needed to forgive myself for that, instead of letting myself be terrified. I had just been a little girl. I didn’t know that my friend would get hurt. I couldn’t know everything. Some things just happened. Much of life was just left up to chance.
Chapter 8
I needed to let go of the thought that I could force myself into anything. I needed to want to give blood, not feel guilty if I didn’t.
As I thought about this for a few minutes, it began to transform my way of thinking about donating blood. Before, it had been a black and white issue—donate good, not donate bad. But the truth was, it was about much more than that. It was about giving something of myself to help someone else, and that was something I loved to do. I fell asleep thinking about this.
When I woke up the next morning, I no longer had that deep sensation of dread within me. But I did have something else—a new determination to give blood.
I decided that I needed to ride the wave of determination.
I dressed quickly. I grabbed my purse. On my way out the door I checked for a location to donate blood. The bus had already moved on, but there was a nearby clinic with Sunday hours where I could donate. I was ready to truly accomplish this mission.
I was almost to the clinic when I paused a moment to send Max a text. I wanted him to know that our conversation the night before had made a difference.
I’m going to try again. Wish me luck.
I didn’t expect him to text me back right away. He had missed his sleep in Saturday so he was probably going to try for a sleep-in Sunday. But as I tucked my phone back into my purse it beeped. I smiled as I saw that he’d already texted me back.
You don’t need luck. You got this.
I grinned at his words.
I felt even more determined as I opened the door to the clinic. There weren’t many people in the waiting room, which was a good thing. The less I had to wait, the more likely I was to succeed. I walked right up to the reception desk.
“I’d like to make a donation.”
“Okay.” The woman looked at me with an arched eyebrow. “Egg or plasma?”
“Huh?” I looked at her blankly.
“Are you going to donate an egg or plasma? You can’t do both on the same day.”
I was so confused by the egg question that I could barely put two thoughts together. Then I realized what she meant. My hands flew to my stomach.
“Oh no, not an egg.” I laughed. “Just blood.”
“We don’t pay for blood,” the woman said flatly.
“Oh, okay, that’s fine. I just want to donate some.” I frowned. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to make a simple donation.
“Wonderful. I’m sorry; we get a lot of people in here that want to sell things like eggs and plasma—not too many that just want to donate blood. Those people like to go to the blood drives to get the free tote bags.” She shook her head and handed me a form to fill out.
I was a little disappointed that I would not be getting a tote bag.
I filled out the paper. It had the same questions as the one I’d filled out the day before, so I was able to breeze right through it. When I returned the form the woman pointed toward the side door.
“You can go on back. As soon as one of the nurses is free, she’ll help you.”
“Thanks.” I walked through the door.
As I stepped into the room, I was greeted by that lovely and all too familiar hospital scent. I think even if you’ve only smelled it once, it gets burned into your scent memory permanently. The moment it greeted me, I felt uneasy. Then there was the sight of trays set up with needles ready for drawing blood. My heart began to pound so hard that I felt lightheaded. I’d only set one foot into the room.
You can be brave, Sammy, I told myself. It’s a little needle. People give blood all the time—no big deal. But it didn’t look little to me. It looked gigantic. It triggered an absurd fantasy in my mind of a line of needles dancing in a line singing, “Welcome, Samantha, welcome.”
I gulped and closed my eyes. Of course I knew that my fantasy wasn’t real, but that didn’t change the fear it inspired within me. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run. I tried to keep my feet moving in the right direction—toward the padded bench that was waiting for me.
The nurse that stood beside the tray looked up at me with a confused stare. I must have appeared to be out of my mind, because her expression became even more concerned.
“Are you okay, miss? You look like you need to sit down.”
“I’m okay.”
I thought about the blog post I’d written and what Blue had said. Anyone could try new things, but it took true bravery to do something terrifying. I was feeling pretty terrified as I forced myself further into the room.
“I’m here to make a donation.” My voice sounded detached to my own ears. Was this really happening? I kind of hoped to find out that it wasn’t.
As I sat down on the padded bench, I felt my stomach lurch. I was suddenly assaulted by another horrifying thought. What if I vomited or passed out?
“That’s great. Let me get you set up.” The nurse began preparing a tray.
I gripped the sides of the bench tightly.
The nurse touched my wrist gently and then raised an eyebrow. “Your pulse is racing. Are you sure that you’re okay?”
“I’m sorry. I’m just a little terrified of blood—and needles.” I felt relieved when I said it out loud.
Chapter 9
I expected the nurse to roll her eyes or get impatient, but instead she gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Many people have that phobia, though I have to say not many who do try to donate blood. I’m glad that you’re ready to give it a try. I’ll try to make it as comfortable as possible for you, okay?”
“Thanks.”
I did feel more comfortable, just by telling the truth. I didn’t have to pretend to be brave, or unaffected. I could be as terrified as I needed to be and she would understand.
As she went through the process of preparing my arm I took steady deep breaths. There was the snap of the rubber tie. There was the swipe of the cold wipe to clean my skin. Then she began tapping on my arm to find a suitable vein. While she did this she chatted.
“I find that the best way to get through this is to just not think about it. Some people like to think you have to watch what’s happening, but you don’t. You can trust me. I’ll make sure everything goes smoothly. So you can just relax, and it’ll be over before you know it.” She smiled as she picked up a needle.
All of that resolve that I thought I had began to fade with the sight of the needle. I remembered being held down. I remembered the blood. I began to tremble a little.
“It’s okay, hon, just don’t look.” The nurse’s warm voice floated over my senses.
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the needle getting closer. However, when I closed my eyes my mind filled with thoughts that were much worse. Thoughts of a giant needle, thoughts of spurting blood, thoughts of a maniacally laughing nurse. I opened my eyes just in time to see the needle going in. I gasped and cringed.
“It’s almost over now.” The nurse smiled at me. “You’re doing great.” She had such a calm way about her.
I was still shaking like a leaf. She settled the needle into the vein and then released the clasp on the tubing. I gulped as I saw the blood begin to flow. It wasn’t exactly pretty to see, but it wasn’t spurting everywhere.
<
br /> “You’re actually an easy stick.”
“Uh, thanks.” I laughed a little.
I was surprised that I could laugh considering what I was doing, but I could. In fact, once the needle was in, it wasn’t so bad. The small amount of pain I initially felt faded quickly.
“Just sit back and try to relax.” She assured me.
I nodded and leaned back against the bench. I cautiously closed my eyes. I thought of how proud both Blue and Max would be of me. It was nice to have such good friends to turn to for support and encouragement.
The more I thought about Blue the more I wondered if we would ever actually meet. Max was the prince I knew, gorgeous and loving. Blue was the mystery man who seemed to know me far too well for me to ever call him a stranger. I was intrigued by both of them. How could I find time to actually date when I already had two men on my mind?
“Samantha?” The nurse’s voice drifted into my thoughts. “Samantha, we’re all done here.”
I slowly opened my eyes. When I looked down at my arm I saw that she had already removed the needle and bandaged my arm. Had I fallen asleep?
“Oh wow, that was fast.” I sat up. As soon as I did, I regretted it. My head spun with dizziness.
“Easy there. Take it slow and drink this.” The nurse handed me a paper cup filled with juice.
I sipped it slowly. As my senses began to straighten out it hit me. I’d done it. I had really done it. I had contributed to keeping someone healthy or possibly even alive. I had broken through my fear without even a hint of a nervous breakdown. I smiled.
“Thanks.” I handed the nurse the cup.
“Thank you, Samantha. Every drop really does make a difference. Do you think you’re ready to stand up?”
“I’ll give it my best shot.” I eased myself up from the bench. I felt pretty solid as I stood in front of her. “I think I’m fine.”
“Great. Take it easy this afternoon. If you feel any dizziness or other symptoms call your doctor, but you should be just fine.”
I smiled at her again and walked out of the room. I felt as if I was floating, not only because I was still a little dizzy, but also because I had accomplished something that I thought I never would be able to.
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