I sat around all of the time. I sat around when I watched television. I sat around when I was reading a book. I sat around when I was writing. Meditation seemed like it would just be sitting around with nothing else to do.
But when I saw the peace etched into the face of the woman seated not far from me at the park, I recognized that it must be much more than that. It was time for me to figure out the secret of meditation. If I had a still small inner voice, I wanted to hear it. If there was some part of me that was still locked away deep within, I wanted to release it.
As I stood up from the blanket there was no question in my mind that I was ready to take that next step. This time instead of moving forward, I was going to move inward. I just hoped that I wouldn’t stumble over something in there that I didn’t want to discover.
As I walked back toward my apartment I heard footsteps jogging behind me. I stepped to the side to let the jogger pass. Instead, he stopped and smiled at me.
“Morning, gorgeous.”
I peered at Max through the morning sunlight that seemed to transform him into a god of some kind.
“Morning, beautiful.” I smiled at him.
“Beautiful?” He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “More like stinky.”
“You’re staying healthy, though.” I tried not to notice his tight jogging shorts.
Eyes up, Sammy, eyes up.
Max pulled a bottle of water out of the holster on his waist and drank greedily from it. I watched his neck flex as he swallowed down the liquid. I observed the thin streams of water that coasted past his beautiful lips and down over his tanned skin. I had to close my eyes in order to look away.
“I’m just headed home.”
“I’ll walk you.”
Max fell into step beside me. I truly believed he had no idea what kind of wild impact he had on me. I could be perfectly fine one moment and then ridiculously stupid the next because of him.
“How are you?” I glanced over at him.
“I’m fine. Just a little restless.” He took a sip of his water.
Lately the way Max behaved had left me wondering if something was on his mind. Though he had humorous moments, his normal level of joviality seemed to be lacking.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I unlocked the door to my apartment.
“I don’t know, just looking for direction I guess.” He plopped down on one of the stools that lined the breakfast bar in my kitchen.
“You need direction?” I laughed at the idea.
“What? You think I have it all figured out?” He narrowed his eyes. “What makes you think that?”
“Well, let’s see. You have a good job, a great place to live, and all of the freedom that you could want. What else could you need?” I poured myself a glass of water and then sat down beside him.
Max was silent as he finished his bottle of water. I didn’t really expect an answer, as I’d thought that I’d made my point. When I smiled at him, I noticed that he wasn’t smiling.
“Sometimes I just wonder.”
“Wonder about what?” I was quite intrigued.
“Purpose, I guess.” He pushed his fingertip through the water ring left on the counter by his bottle of water. “It’s not really all about a job or a house, is it?” He met my eyes.
I was a little taken back by the turn in the conversation. Max and I had long conversations about just about everything, but not usually about the meaning of life. He’d never seemed to care before.
“What’s going on, Max? Did some supermodel break your heart?” I laughed a little.
His expression darkened for a moment as he looked away from me. “You’re right. I’m being silly. Things are great.” When he looked back at me he had a smile plastered on his lips. “What more could I ask for?”
Chapter 2
I felt confused. I wasn’t sure if I should push to see what Max might have been feeling, or just let it go. Was it crazy of me to think that he might want to talk?
“What’s going on, Max? Are you okay?” I reached out and took his hand in mine. “You know you can tell me.”
“I think I’m just having my mid-life crisis.” Max laughed.
“I think you’re a little young for that. You know, it’s okay to change your mind about things—to want something different.”
“Is it?” He searched my eyes. “When someone has an idea set in their head about you, does that ever really change?”
“I hope it can.”
“But have you ever changed your mind about someone?” He shook his head. “I mean, people talk about it happening all the time. But it doesn’t really, does it? We’re pretty much set in stone from kindergarten on up.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m not eating paste, am I?”
“Okay, I guess that’s a good point.” Max laughed.
“All I’m saying is that people grow and change all the time. Take me—I’m going to a meditation class. I’m going to see if I can awaken new parts of myself.”
“You mean there’s more?” Max looked at me with mock horror.
“Thanks!” I tossed a little of my water on him.
“Watch it—don’t start a war you can’t win.” He raised an eyebrow in warning.
“We’ll have to postpone our war, because I have a class to go to. Maybe you should try it sometime. You might discover parts of yourself that you didn’t even know existed.”
“Hm. Maybe.” He nodded and stood up. “I’ll let you get to your class. I just hope you don’t awaken the part of you that likes to eat paste.”
“Ha ha!” I gave him a playful shove toward the door.
“Just don’t float too far away out there.” He winked at me, but there was something knowing in his voice that left me feeling a little unsettled. I still wondered what might really be on his mind.
After Max left I hopped on to the computer to find a local class. Classes in the city were never hard to come by. It seemed like everyone had something to offer, and all it took was a little bit of searching.
However, I knew from experience that I had to be a little picky. What was advertised as a meditation class could turn out to be a grass roots protest group on any given subject at any given time. It was not that I didn’t support people speaking out about a cause, it was just that I personally didn’t have too many causes I felt that passionate about.
After a little searching, as expected, I found a meditation class that was taking place the next day. The seminar was only a few hours and it wasn’t too far to drive. It looked like it was a free-form class with no requirements. I wouldn’t have time to find an excuse to avoid it.
I couldn’t just jump into a meditation class, though. There were things I needed to do in order to prepare. I could never go into a class unprepared. So of course I needed the perfect meditation shirt.
I was not a stranger to meditation. I had seen plenty of movies that had a character or two involved in it. I had read about it. I had even witnessed it a few times. One thing I knew for sure was that there was a certain “look” to meditation. At least in my mind there was.
I needed a flowy poet’s shirt. I needed a set of beads. Most of all, I needed a gemstone. Since I had none of those things, I had to go shopping. With the meditation class being the next day, I needed to shop fast.
I headed out to a small strip mall. It had a variety of shops to choose from. As I was browsing through the windows, I noticed that there was a beautiful blue gemstone in the window display of one of the stores.
It made me think of Blue.
I smiled a little as I looked at it closely. If there was anyone that I would trust to help me get to an enlightened state it would be Blue. His advice over the past few months had always inspired me and led me in the right direction.
I felt a subtle spark—the desire to meet up with him—but I ignored it. If he wanted to meet me, I was sure that he would make the effort to do so. So far any meet-ups had ended up being a bust.
When I step
ped inside the shop, the clerk was tidying up the front counter. It reminded me of straightening the shelves at Fluff and Stuff. I smiled because I knew the satisfaction of putting everything in just the right place.
“Hi.” She turned to smile at me.
“Hi, could I have a look at that blue stone in the window?”
“Sure.”
She handed me the stone and I felt a strange surge rush through me. It was not as if I thought the stone had any magical powers, but it felt familiar, as if it had always belonged to me. I knew that I couldn’t walk out of the shop without it. It didn’t even matter to me at that moment how much it cost.
“I’ll take it.”
“Great. Let me wrap it up for you.”
As I followed her to the counter, I noticed a display of beaded necklaces. The beads were made out of wood. I was sure they would draw me closer to nature, which seemed to be a key when meditating. I selected one with various earth tones in it and added it to my purchase.
“You know, sometimes these stones choose you.” The clerk gave me a knowing look.
I normally would have been skeptical of her words, but this time I had to agree with her.
“Do you really think so?”
“Sure. It usually means they have a message for you.”
That was all it took to reinforce my skepticism. How could a little hunk of rock possibly have a message for me?
“Okay, thanks.” I offered her my most polite smile.
Chapter 3
As I left the store, I shook off the strange sensation that her words had caused me. I was feeling more prepared for my meditation excursion.
I stopped in a small boutique to look for a poet’s style shirt. Finding a flowing shirt was always a bit of a challenge for me. Most places only carried sizes that would be snug on me, so finding a shirt that would be loose might not happen.
Then I saw it.
It was a long white shirt with pale purple embroidery on the sleeves. It had a deep neckline and a beautiful pleat to the material. It was the perfect shirt. As I walked up to it, I reminded myself that just because it looked large enough on the hanger that didn’t mean that it was actually going to fit me. I tended to get pretty disappointed when something looked the right size and then turned out to be far too small.
“Anything I can help you with?”
A man—really, he couldn’t have been much older than a boy—was arranging a rack of clothes by the front door. It always made me feel uncomfortable to feel like someone was watching me choose the clothes I would try on.
“Oh, no.” I shook my head. I started to feel very shy about picking up the shirt. As I stood there considering it, he walked up beside me.
“I think it’ll look gorgeous on you.” He smiled at me.
I looked at him with surprise. It meant a lot to me that he had perceived that I was uncomfortable and did his best to make sure that I was reassured.
“I’m not sure it will fit.” I frowned as I picked up the shirt.
“Only one way to find out.” He pointed out the dressing room.
I felt a little more at ease as I walked to the dressing room with the shirt. Just that one little bit of kindness he showed me had made a big difference in my shopping experience.
As usual the full-length mirror stared me down. I used to try to avoid them. Now I had learned to accept my body in whatever frame I was seeing it.
When I tried on the shirt I gritted my teeth, prepared for the disappointment that I might face if it did not fit me correctly. However, the shirt swept down easily over my body. In fact it was loose, just as I wanted it to be. I smiled proudly at my reflection. I took this as a good sign that the meditation class was going to turn out the way I wanted it to.
As I left the dressing room with the shirt folded under my arm, the clerk turned to smile at me.
“So?”
“I’ll take it.”
“Wonderful.”
I paid for the shirt and chatted with the clerk for a bit. I took one of the business cards for the boutique.
“I’ll be sure to tell my friends about this place.”
“Thanks.” He nodded at me as I walked out the door.
I was feeling pretty great as I headed back to my apartment. When I arrived home, I settled in front of my computer to type up a blog post about the class that I would be attending. I set the blue stone that I had purchased right beside my keyboard.
I stared at the stone for a long moment. I thought it was a little funny that I’d bought it. Inwardly I knew that it didn’t bring me any closer to Blue, but it was nice to have something that represented him near me. It made him feel more real to me.
As I wrote about connecting with myself through meditation, I thought about the strange way that Max had been acting that day. The way he talked made me a little worried that he was maturing to the point of actually falling in love with someone. While Max dated here and there he’d never really been serious about anyone. I wondered if I would be able to handle it if he was.
What would his girlfriend or wife think about our friendship? Would she make him stop talking to me? The very thought made my heart ache. It was then that I added another line to the post.
It’s time I spent a little time working on the one friendship I’ve spent many years neglecting. My friendship with myself.
And that was the truth, written boldly across the screen. Without Max, I would be alone. I needed to be prepared for that moment, as it wouldn’t be long before he was snatched up by some amazing woman.
If I were that woman, I would never let him go.
Chapter 4
The next morning I headed out for the meditation seminar. I was feeling pretty confident about my chances of accomplishing my goal. Meditation was easy. All it took was relaxing. It was going to be the simplest thing I ever checked off my bucket list.
As I walked up in my brand new shirt, with my natural version of make-up and my purse slung over my shoulder, I saw right away that I might stand out. The people wandering around the natural space weren’t the least bit concerned with one another. They were also dressed in what looked like handmade clothes.
One was perched on the top of a tall rock with her logs crossed and her face upturned toward the sky. All I could think was that I hoped she was wearing sunscreen.
The more I noticed the other people there, the more I began to feel that I was not going to fit in. These weren’t just people learning to meditate, these were people living an entirely different lifestyle.
I started to feel very anxious. There was even a large fountain featuring a waterfall and small reflection pool spotted with colorful fish. Everything breathed natural paradise, while I felt more like an impersonator.
While I was mulling the choice of whether to leave or not, a woman walked toward me. She appeared to be in her fifties and had a bright toothy smile. Giant turquoise earrings hung from her earlobes. Her clothes didn’t look to be handmade, but she was wearing what looked like a large dream catcher as a necklace.
“Hello there. Are you here for the seminar?”
“Yes.” I glanced over at the others and then looked back at her. “I think.”
“My name is WindStar and I’d like to welcome you to your spiritual journey.”
I stared at her for a moment. I was fairly certain that her name was not actually WindStar. I also didn’t expect to actually be on a spiritual journey. I started to feel very skeptical of what I’d walked into.
“Thanks. I’m Samantha.” I held my hand out to her.
She ignored the hand I offered and wrapped me up in a warm hug instead. At first I was put off that a stranger was touching me, but I had to admit that she was a great hugger. I found myself hugging her right back.
“I’ll take you to your meditation spot.” WindStar smiled.
“Wait, isn’t there a class or something?”
“Meditation is a very individual and private experience. There are some groups that do meditate togeth
er, but I tend to think it’s best to let newcomers spend a little time getting into meditation on their own.”
As I followed behind her I wondered what I had signed up for. I was actually a little relieved to not be forced into awkward get-to-know-you introductions. But still, how was I supposed to check meditation off my list if I didn’t get some instructions?
“How will I know that I’ve actually done it?”
“Trust me, you’ll know.”
I clutched my beaded necklace and pulled my blue gemstone out of my purse. “I brought these to help.”
“What are those things for?” WindStar asked. She led me up a hill toward a small wooden pagoda.
“Oh I just thought they might help me with meditation. You know—to clear my mind.”
WindStar smiled at me patiently. I felt a bit like a child that was coloring outside of the lines.
“It might be good for you to think of meditation as something that is not done, but allowed.” WindStar paused beside the pagoda. “You see, I believe that our bodies yearn to fall into this natural relaxed state; however, our environment—our mental chatter and our emotional state—prevents it from happening. So, it’s not something that you really learn to do, in my opinion, but something that you learn to allow.”
“That’s interesting. I’ve never thought about it that way.”
“Well, we’re trained into linear thinking by the society we are surrounded by. But meditation doesn’t really have a direction, or a timeline. It’s expansive and all-encompassing. So it’s a little strange at first to engage in it.” WindStar gestured to the pagoda. “We’ve tried to create a place where people can begin to let go of that mold society has created around our minds. Here we have incorporated a little bit of structure with a whole lot of nature, so that the transition isn’t quite so shocking.”
Inside the pagoda there were fluffy cushions, as well as an assortment of bottled drinks on ice. There was also a small radio and a sand maze with a little rake to use.
“We’ve provided an assortment of items that are designed to help you relax.” WindStar pointed to the radio. “There are a few relaxation CDs beside the radio. The thing to remember is that there is no one way to meditate. It’s really about getting to know your own individual path to peace. Some people like to walk to get into that meditative state. Others require complete silence. Some prefer having a candle to gaze into. It’s up to you to figure out your relaxation language.”
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 60