“I can’t help it,” she said in a quivery voice. At least it wasn’t those big gulping sobs that were like a stabbing knife to his heart.
He rolled on top of her, settling between her legs. “Let me help you forget,” he said, speaking close to her ear and then skimming kisses along the side of her neck. She let out a shuddery breath and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.
“Yes,” she said on a sigh.
He went slow, kissing and stroking and tasting, memorizing every part of her, every sigh, every shudder. His heart thudded against his chest because this was truly making love, every touch meant to convey just how much he loved her.
When they finally joined, their fingers entwined, gazes locked on each other, he kissed her tenderly. “I love you, Kate. You take that with you. Hold it close in your heart.”
“I love you too,” she said, her voice wobbly. “You are my heart.”
He dropped his forehead to hers, overwhelmed with emotion. They shared a breath and then another. He wanted to merge with her, to never separate again.
She wiggled under him. “Make it good. Gimme a ten.”
He laughed and gave her a hard kiss. “You know I set that bar.”
She dug her heels into his ass. “Show me what you got, stud.”
He did. And she let go; he felt the moment she did, bucking wildly under him, heard the moment she did as she urged him on, “Faster, harder, ohgod, ohgod, ohgod.” He covered her mouth with his, swallowing her cries of ecstasy as she climaxed and took him with her. She trembled under him in the aftermath of joined pleasure and all-consuming love. He rolled to his side, pulling her close and holding her tight.
He woke her in the middle of the night, joining with her again in another slow tender loving, both of them caught in a timeless space, lost in the moment.
All too soon, it was morning.
She packed up quickly. They said their goodbyes to Barry, Amber, and Violet, and got on the road.
Kate was quiet. He really hoped she didn’t cry when he dropped her off at the airport. He couldn’t promise to hold it together for another airport goodbye. They’d both be a mess.
“You okay?” he finally asked after a long fifteen-minute silence where he had entirely too much time to think about their goodbye.
“No,” she said softly.
“I’ll see you at Christmas,” he said.
A beat passed in silence. He glanced over at her. She took off her glasses and cleaned them with the end of her shirt. He tensed, knowing her tells, knowing something bad was coming.
She slid her glasses back on, wrung her hands together in her lap, and stared at them. “Our timing has never been right,” she said quietly.
“We’ll get there,” he said, though he knew she was right. The first time they’d gotten together, she’d been too young. The second time they got together was just before she left for Chicago. And now they were together and about to have an ocean between them.
She went on. “We should’ve waited until we were both in a stable place in our lives so we wouldn’t have to go through all this back and forth.”
“I don’t regret a moment I’ve had with you,” he said fiercely.
She let out a hiccupping sob. The heart-wrenching kind that killed him.
“Kate…” He didn’t know what to say. There was no way of making it easier for either of them.
“I never should’ve proposed,” she said on a sob. “I’m sorry.”
He glanced over at her red eyes, red nose, tears pouring down her cheeks. “Please, Kate, don’t—”
“I caught you unawares with my sur—” her breath caught on a sob “—stupid surprise. I dragged you into an engagement when I should’ve waited for the right time and the right place.” She sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
His stomach clenched. “Don’t do this.” He could feel it. She was cutting ties.
“I’m not breaking up with you. I’m just ending the engagement. It was too much, too soon.”
“I’m okay with it,” he said. “I know I had cold feet at first, but I’m good now.”
She sucked in a shuddering breath. “I think we need to step back a little.”
“I refuse. I’m still engaged.”
“It’s easier this way. Okay? We don’t have rings. We haven’t set a date. We’ll return to it when the timing is right.”
“No.”
She got quiet, wiping her tears and staring out the window.
And even though he’d refused to go along with ending the engagement, he felt like it was over. They drove in heavy silence the rest of the way there. He parked at short-term parking so he could walk her to the terminal.
She stopped him, grabbing him by the sleeve before he could exit the car. “No. We’ll say goodbye here. I don’t want to cry in the airport.”
He pulled her close and hugged her.
She pulled away much too soon. “I’ll be in touch.” But she didn’t say when. She didn’t have a schedule. His Kate loved schedules.
He pushed a lock of hair back from her face. “I’ll call Friday night for phone sex, Sunday night for talk.” That was their old schedule, which had narrowed to Sunday night talk over the last few months.
He was losing her.
She shook her head. “There’s a six-hour time difference. I don’t know what I’ll be doing when.”
“We’ll see, okay?” He was scrambling for purchase on the edge of a cliff. “We’ll play it by ear.”
She nodded. “Sure, okay.” She grabbed her purse off the floor of the car. “I’ll just get my suitcase. Pop the trunk.” She stepped out of the car.
He pressed the button to pop the trunk, got out, and met her by the trunk. He watched her get her small wheeled suitcase and laptop bag out, looking cool and distant, all tucked tight behind her serious scientist exterior.
This was a woman saying goodbye. Maybe for good.
She held the handle of her wheeled suitcase in one hand, laptop bag on top, and slid her purse strap higher on her shoulder. She gave him a curt nod. “Goodbye.”
“I love you, Kate.”
Her lower lip wobbled, and she bit it. She met his eyes briefly. “I love you too.”
“Call me when you get there.”
“It’ll be late. I won’t be able to use my phone. I need to pick up an international cell phone.” She looked off toward the terminal and back to him. “I’ll text you when I can.”
And with that she turned and strode toward her new life. Without him.
Chapter Eighteen
Kate quickly settled into a satisfying routine in Geneva. The new environment invigorated her, surrounded by fellow physicists, deep in conversations with Nate and new colleagues from around the world. Nate lived just down the hall from her. He brought her quality coffee every morning, and they commuted to work together in the car he’d bought upon arrival. If she’d never met Ian, never known what true love really was, she might’ve ended up with someone like Nate. He was a true work partner, the kind her mom had highly recommended, yet once they completed their work, she found she just wanted to be alone. He invited her out for cocktails with their peers, regularly invited her to sightseeing excursions, but all she wanted to do was take long walks. Didn’t matter where. Snow, rain, sun didn’t matter either. Just walk and walk and walk. Alone with her thoughts on her work, complete and total focus. After only four months, she was getting great data, very near to proving her theory.
Yet she felt empty.
She kept in touch with Ian, as promised. They talked on the phone, texted, and emailed, but it wasn’t the same. She couldn’t shake the melancholy, and she couldn’t even smile at his jokes. At Thanksgiving, after she’d had an odd meal of chicken instead of turkey with the other ex-pat Americans, which made her more sad and homesick than ever, she called Ian. It was still afternoon back in Clover Park, and she could hear their family in the background at Barry and Amber’s house. She held the phone
slightly away from her mouth so she could hear him, and he wouldn’t hear her quiet sobs. He knew her well, though, and got right to the point.
“It’s not working, is it?” Ian asked. “This long-distance thing. It’s making you miserable.”
She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I was the one who pushed for a long-distance relationship.”
A beat passed in silence. She was miserable. But she didn’t want to say goodbye.
“I’m holding you back,” he said.
“You’re not,” she protested. “As miserable as I am, I’m seeing great results with my research.”
“I want you to be happy, Kate,” he said gently.
She forced the words past the lump in her throat. “I’ll see you in four weeks. Only four more weeks.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll pick you up at the airport.” She heard Barry calling for Ian in the background.
“Time to eat?” she asked.
“Yeah, everyone’s going to the table.”
“Have some well-cooked turkey for me,” she said, trying for a joke about the badly cooked turkey she’d made him once.
“I will. Love you.” He was distracted, surrounded by his loving family, not needing her.
“Love you too. Bye.”
She hung up, hugged her middle tightly, and then cried her eyes out.
~ ~ ~
When Kate landed in New York just before Christmas, she headed briskly through the airport to where Ian had told her to meet him outside of baggage claim. She gave herself a pep talk that had been her mantra the whole flight over (until she conked out). You will enjoy each moment. You will not think of goodbye.
It was afternoon in New York. They had ten days. She’d be flying back on New Year’s Day and not seeing him again until March, when he would finally have the vacation time to visit. Another goodbye after that.
You will enjoy each moment. You will not think of goodbye.
She stepped outside to a crisp cold day and quickly scanned the line of cars and taxis waiting. She spotted Ian within seconds, standing next to his car, holding up a neon pink poster board that read Kate Lewis-Furnukle. There were even blue glitter stars around it that she suspected her sister had something to do with. Her stomach churned. Even though she knew he was trying to be sweet, the hyphenated name just reminded her of their engagement that ended with an ocean between them. All of it was her stupid fault. Her stupid idea.
She rushed over to him, her suitcase bumping along behind her, and stopped short next to him. “Ian, I thought we agreed no engagement until things are more settled between us.”
“Hello to you too,” he said and bopped her on the head with the poster. He grinned. “You have glitter in your hair.”
She was about to accuse him of putting it there when he kissed her. She lost her train of thought as her body remembered everything that was right about their joining. She sank against him.
“Get in the car,” he said, taking her suitcase and slipping her laptop bag from her shoulder. He headed for the trunk.
She shook out her hair, trying to get the glitter out. Then she got in the car, pulled down the visor mirror, and saw blue glitter on her cheeks. She got a tissue from her purse and wiped it away.
Ian got in and pulled away from the curb. “Did you sleep on the plane?”
“Yes, though I fear my sleep schedule is going to be completely screwed up.”
“Well, I’m glad you slept because I want you awake for this next part.”
“What next part?”
“You’ll see,” he said with his adorable crooked smile. “I have a surprise for you.”
“Really?”
He gave her a warm look. “Yeah, really.”
She leaned back in her seat, her brain cranking, trying to guess what he had in mind. They were supposed to be going to Ian’s apartment in Boston for a couple of days and then driving down to Clover Park to spend Christmas Day with Barry, Amber, and Violet.
“Is the surprise at your apartment?” she asked. She’d really been looking forward to going back to his apartment to make love. She hadn’t had sex or even pulled out her vibrator (named Ian for obvious reasons) in four long months. Her libido had fled when the melancholy set in.
“You’ll see,” he answered mysteriously.
“I hope we’ll get to your private apartment soon,” she said. Hint, hint.
“Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.”
It seemed Ian was in no hurry to make love. She stared out the window, puzzling over this newest surprise.
After a while, she realized they weren’t heading to Boston. In fact, Ian appeared to be heading into Manhattan. He’d completely missed the turnoff for 95 N. This meant a delay in their lovemaking. How could he not want to go straight to bed after four long celibate months?
“Have you been orgasming without me?” she asked.
He glanced over, a small smile playing over his lips. “Now why would you ask that?”
“Because we’re heading into Manhattan. Did you know I haven’t had a single orgasm since the last one we had together in August?”
“Why didn’t you use Ian?” he asked, referring to her vibrator.
“I wasn’t in the mood.”
He chuckled.
“It’s not funny. I’ve been waiting all this time, and now you’re making me wait longer. Why are we going to the city?”
“It’s part of the surprise, my little monkey.”
She huffed. He’d definitely been orgasming without her. Not that she thought he was with someone else. He still ended each phone call with an I love you, but clearly his libido had not been strained one bit by their separation.
Soon Central Park came into view. She sat up a little straighter in her seat. The horse-drawn carriages were decorated with greenery and cheerful bells for the holidays. Ian kept going, and she took in white lights around the small trees lining the sidewalks, stores with beautiful window displays, and a Santa on the corner, ringing a bell.
Ian pulled into a parking garage. “Come on.”
She got out and joined him. He passed the key to a valet, and they walked outside.
“Are we Christmas shopping?” she asked. She wouldn’t mind. She still had to get a gift for Violet. She had some small handmade ornaments from Geneva for Barry and Amber. Ian’s gift was going to be some lingerie she hoped to pick up in Boston.
“Nope.”
“Are you going to give me a hint?”
“Nope.”
And that was all he said. He took her hand, and they walked at a leisurely pace. She peeked into the store windows at the moving displays of dolls and tiny electric trains through tiny villages.
“I always wanted a tiny Christmas village like that one,” she said, pointing to the display.
He stopped short. “Please tell me your parents let you have a Christmas tree.”
“We did.”
“Good. I’ll let them live.”
She smiled to herself. It was nice the way Ian looked out for her. They kept going all the way to Central Park. She stopped near the line of horse-drawn carriages. “I always wanted to do one of those carriage rides,” she said wistfully.
“Then it’s your lucky day,” he said with a grin. “Come on.”
He led her to a beautiful white carriage that said reserved on the bench seat. Ian spoke to the driver, who nodded and took the reserved sign off.
“Ian! Is this the surprise? I love it!”
“Good.” He held out his hand to help her in. “My lady.”
She climbed up, feeling giddy. The driver turned in his seat. “Happy holidays, miss.”
“You too!” she exclaimed. This was so romantic! She’d always wanted to do a horse-drawn carriage ride. Ian sat next to her and took a small folded blanket from the side and covered both of their laps.
The driver signaled to the beautiful white horse, and they trotted off, the
bells jingling in time to the clip-clop of the horse’s feet. She looked all around the park and the city as they made their way around the perimeter of the park.
“Kate!”
She turned to find Ian holding a small black velvet box. “I said—”
“Ian! What are you doing?”
“I said I never got you a ring. And I should have because this engagement was always very real to me.” He opened the box to a platinum band with a round solitaire diamond.
“You didn’t need to get me a ring,” she whispered, but she couldn’t take her eyes off it. She’d never worn a ring before. It was exquisite.
“Marry me, Kate.”
Her eyes snapped to his. “But I thought we agreed it was too hard to be engaged long distance.”
“Can you please just wear the ring?” he asked in an unusually patient voice.
She smiled and nodded. He slid it on her finger and it fit perfectly.
She stared at it. “I’ve never worn a ring before. How did you know my size?”
“Amber helped me. You’re similar sizes.”
She met his warm brown eyes, the enormity of the moment suddenly sinking in. “Ian,” she managed over the lump in her throat, “this was a very nice surprise.”
He kissed her tenderly. “There’s more.”
“Really?” She couldn’t imagine what else he could possibly have planned that was better than a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride and a diamond engagement ring with a besotted fiancé proposal.
He stroked her cheek. “Really. New Year’s Eve wedding.”
“What!” she screeched so loudly the horse whinnied. “There’s no time to plan that! And we both said no long-distance marriage.”
He took both her hands in his. “I planned it with Hailey and Amber. I got the license. I just need the bride.”
“But long distance—”
“We’re done with that.”
“What!” she screeched.
He grinned. “That’s the last surprise. I couldn’t wait another five months to be with you. Couldn’t bear another goodbye. But five months is pretty short to keep a valuable employee happy.”
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