Lethal in Old Lace

by Duffy Brown

  Auntie KiKi, Mercedes, Mamma, and I all screamed and spun around, staring into a blinding light.

  “What are you doing here?” my unflappable mamma demanded in her best judge voice, her hands planted firmly on her slender hips.

  “I’m the night watchman.” He lowered the beam. “What’s your excuse?”

  I needed another excuse? I should keep a list in my purse. “We’re … checking out a final resting place for my auntie here.” I patted Auntie KiKi on the shoulder.

  “What!” KiKi yelped.

  “Just look at her, all banged up like she is, the arm, the leg, the eye. We’re looking for just the right spot and we brought her along to get her approval.”

  “Right spot!” KiKi screeched.

  “At midnight?” The watchman added.

  “She’s fading fast, time is of the essence, and placement in the right moonlight is so important, don’t you think?”

  KiKi kicked my ankle and the watchman shrugged. “Actually, it’s kind of nice you’re all here doing this for your auntie. At least you’re not here to dance on some rotten husband’s grave or throw rocks at your cheating wife or grandfather who cut you out of the will. I get a lot of those. Then there’s the flip side where we’ve had this open grave for days and no casket’s shown up or even a family member wondering where the casket is.”

  The watchman tipped back his hat. “This might sound a little crazy, though you’re the ones driving around looking at graves at night, so maybe not, but have you seen a casket out here? Not one that’s in a grave, mind you, but all by itself out here in the open air? One’s gone missing and the police have had me looking for it for hours. I tell you, I’ve looked for a lot of things in this here cemetery over the years—lost earrings, dropped prayer book, cats, dogs, a yellow polka dot bikini top—but never a casket.”

  “Now that you mention it…” Mamma stepped aside. “This is why we stopped where we did. We spotted this casket in the bushes and wondered, Dear me, whatever is a casket, of all things, doing out here all unattended?”

  The watchman stared bug-eyed and open-mouthed and I added, “But now you found what the police are looking for and they’ll be mighty grateful, I’m sure. And if they need to talk to us, I’m Lou Ella Farnsworth and here’s fifty dollars for your assistance.” I held out my hand to Mercedes, who forked over the bills looking none too happy about the situation.

  “I don’t get much appreciation around here.” The watchman stuffed the bills in his pocket and tipped his cap to Auntie KiKi. “Sorry about your … condition. Take some comfort in that you’ll rest nice here; most do. Not all, of course. There are always a few who are a mite antsy and tend to roam.”

  He looked at Auntie KiKi hard. “Yep, you’re a roamer, all right. You got that frisky look that’s not about to end when you do.”

  “I’m going to get you for this,” Auntie KiKi groused as we piled in the car.

  “You already have.” I started the car. “Tomorrow I have dance lessons with Bernard Thayer.”

  “And you are not allowed to cancel.”

  “Would I do that?”

  I dropped Mercedes, Mamma, and Auntie KiKi off in front of Cherry House, where they’d left their cars. I pulled the Beemer into KiKi’s garage, now Willie-free, and crossed the dewy grass to Boone and BW sitting on the porch, man and dog silhouetted black against the light in the display window.

  “It’s nearly two,” I said, sitting beside Boone. “You should be asleep.”

  “Hard to sleep with my fiancée cruising around a cemetery at midnight with that certain something in the trunk, especially with taking her mother and auntie along for the ride. Nice family outing?”

  “All I needed were the keys to the Beemer, but Auntie KiKi and Mamma decided to fill in for Big Joey because he was tied up and they weren’t about to take no for an answer. The thing is, as soon as a certain someone’s body is claimed, it won’t take long for Aldeen to realize he had help in the croaking department and a whole new set of problems are bound to spring up.”

  “Good to know you won’t be bored.” Boone held me a little tighter. “But tonight, what’s left of it, there are other things to think about besides Aldeen and the croaking department … much more fun things.” Boone planted a soft kiss on my lips. “Wanna play?”

  * * *

  “Don’t get up; you can sleep in for another hour.” Boone reached past me and BW to kill his phone alarm on the nightstand. “I have a breakfast meeting with a client or I’d be staying right here with you.”

  I rolled over, the heat of Boone’s body keeping me warm against the morning chill. “My guess is you’re meeting Uncle Putter, and whatever you guys are cooking up, Mamma and I can help, just saying.”

  Boone ruffled my hair. “Nothing to worry about, sweet stuff.”

  “Why do I feel like yet should be tacked onto the end of that statement? Uncle Putter’s in town and not telling Auntie KiKi, KiKi’s at the Pines and not telling Uncle Putter, and you’re in the middle of it all. How can anything good come out of this?

  “And you, soon-to-be-wife, are too smart for your own good.”

  Boone pulled jeans and a blue shirt from his half of the little stuffed closet, then headed for the shower. I got a white skirt and yellow top from my side, then invaded Boone’s space to use the sink. I ran a comb through my hair, brushed my teeth, and washed my face to Boone singing a version of Adele that would bring tears to her eyes and not in a good way. I did a quick makeup routine and said a selfish prayer that we’d have a second bathroom sooner rather than later, and, please God, make it sooner. I went downstairs and got BW’s veggie hot dog from the fridge.

  “Sit. Hot dog.” BW parked his butt, barked twice, got his treat, and I got a banana. I found a plastic bag to scoop with in case BW left a prize on someone’s perfect lawn.

  I yelled, “Love you; off to see KiKi,” to Boone upstairs with him yelling the same back without the KiKi part. I hitched up BW rather than taking the scooter. “I need to return Auntie KiKi’s Beemer keys,” I explained to BW as we turned onto Drayton, rush hour traffic clogging the narrow streets. “And walking gets in our ten thousand steps for the day. The thing is, with you having four feet, does this mean you only have to do five thousand steps? We should look that up on Google.”

  “And where are you off to this morning?” Smiling, Earlene had stopped the bus in the middle of the block right next to BW, not giving a flying fig that horns were honking.

  “The Pines, and let me get this straight. With BW here, you’re all sweetness and sunshine and ask me if I need a ride? Without dog I have to chase you down the street and risk life and limb?”

  “The pup’s got better hair and he laughs at my jokes.” Earlene hitched her chin. “Besides, I got important dirt to share, and here you are right in front of me.”

  Gossip or exercise? BW and I climbed on board. I tossed two fares in the box, Earlene gave BW a treat, and we took our usual seats across from Earlene as she started off. “Gone to any bar mitzvahs lately?” I asked.

  “No, I have not.” Earlene’s eyes shot wide open. “What did I miss now?”

  “Nothing. Nothing at all.” When would I ever learn to keep my mouth shut and not meddle in people’s love lives? I was a meddling queen and couldn’t help myself. Maybe because I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was with Boone, though I doubted if anyone could be that happy.

  “Is my man stepping out on me?” Earlene whimpered. “That’s it, isn’t it?” Steering with one hand, she reached under her seat and pulled out How to Get Your Man and Keep Him. “This here is the bible on landing the guy of your dreams. Big Joey’s mine, all mine, and I’m gonna catch him sooner or later, and right now it’s looking later.”

  “Maybe you should just be yourself?”

  “And how has that worked out for me so far? Pitiful, that’s how. I need inspiration, and this book is it.” Earlene stopped to let two riders on, then hit the gas. “But now it’s down to the busines
s at hand. A police dispatcher is on my route and she takes the early bus and we always get to talking. Guess who the cops found in the middle of Bonaventure Cemetery last night without benefit of grave? She said it was like the old boy just dropped right out of the sky, casket and all.”

  “More like dropped out of the back of a Beemer.”

  Earlene gave me the wide-eyed look. “Dang. You do get around, girlfriend. So now the police think Willie being toes-up had a little help getting that way and it’s connected to my little blue hat lady found in that garden.”

  “Did your dispatcher friend mention the connection?”

  “She said they were looking at some Spring Chicken vitamin rip-off over there at Sexy Pines.” Earlene chuckled. “Those old codgers must be needing a little extra help in the spring department, if you know what I mean.”

  And I so wish I didn’t. Earlene pulled to the curb. “Well, here you are. Let me know what’s happening at Sexy. I’m the kudzu vine on wheels around here, doing my civic duty to keep everyone informed and up to date on current scandals.”

  Earlene gave BW a final pat, closed the doors, growled away, and BW and I turned for the Pines. If the police thought there was a connection between Willie and Bonnie Sue, there was. But how could the connection be Spring Chicken? Bonnie Sue might have bought some vitamins or stock certificates at best, but so what? And why were the Lincoln Continental and that red Mustang I’d seen before parked at the curb sporting license plates of BOOMER1 and BOOMER2? Was that music coming from the patio? Beach Boys? Surfing something?

  Maybe Mamma and Auntie KiKi had slept in today? Maybe they weren’t in the middle of whatever was going on? And maybe it would snow and pigs would soar overhead.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Be there or be square,” Auntie KiKi laughed, holding up a red drink with an umbrella and assorted fruits on a skewer sticking out the top. She had on a straw hat adorned with flowers and a stuffed parrot on her shoulder and a pink boa around her neck. What the heck was in that drink!

  “Is that Mamma, my mother the judge, jitterbugging with Mr. Jim, and is that Clive and Crenshaw sitting over there by the hibiscus? How’d that happen? They look happy to be here.” I shouted over the band.

  “Everybody likes them both. Smart, funny, lots of connections around Savannah. Whichever one of the duo was missing moved in early this morning. Mrs. Dunwitty was visiting her daughter in Charleston and decided to stay. Anna and Bella didn’t want to take any chances this spot would get snapped up and jumped on it, but let me tell you, moving C and C in here isn’t what all the fuss is about.” KiKi waved her drink over the crowd. “This here event is Anna and Bella’s little shindig. Those two are kicking the Boomers into high gear, and that’s all of us here!”

  I handed Auntie KiKi her keys, and she dropped them in her pocket. “I’m not going to be needing these as much as I used to. Driving’s nice and all, but there’re other ways of getting around town. Fact is, I’m headed to the spa at ten in that there red Mustang you see at the curb, and Anthony’s going to take me. The rascal jumped ship from Uber to Boomer.”

  “Boomer?”

  “Like in baby boomers.” Auntie KiKi laughed and took a drink of red stuff. “There was a time back in sixty-five I wanted a Mustang convertible. I couldn’t afford it, of course, with Putter in medical school and me teaching dancing to keep him there. Now the ride of my dreams is here waiting for me! I can let my hair fly in the wind and not fret about a parking space ’cause I got a driver taking me around. Not all the time, of course, but for a fancy lunch it’s just the ticket.”

  Auntie KiKi handed me her drink, jumped up, and tossed her cane into the bushes. “They’re playing ‘Twist and Shout’ and I gotta twist. I haven’t twisted in years. Too bad your uncle isn’t here; a little twisting would be darn good for him. He was the twisting king, you know. Had the best sideburns east of the Mississippi.” KiKi snagged BW’s leash and the two of them joined the others on the patio.

  “Don’t look so concerned.” Anna came up beside me. “No alcohol in the drinks, but we want everyone to have a fun time and that’s what Boomers is all about.”

  “Dancing on the patio?”

  “There’s no money in that, but there sure is in getting old people where they need to be in the style they like and appreciate. Bella and I got the idea from all that crappy community service we got stuck doing and running people here, running people there. Now we’re going to make a fortune doing it! Talk about turning lemons into lemonade. We have a GTO, Thunderbird, and Jaguar XKE on order. If you’re over sixty, we’ll move you, get your pet to the vet, take you to your doctor’s appointment or lunch, and you’ll arrive in cars like the ones you made out in or drag-raced in or went to prom in. Isn’t that the best idea ever?”

  “Let me guess, you have young sexy drivers?”

  “Too much like the grandkids carting you around, and who wants that? Sixty is the new thirty. Our drivers show up wearing a letter sweater or a poodle skirt and maybe put a big ole corsage on your wrist like they did back when. We interviewed the drivers and had them drive us around to see if they’re a good fit for our Boomer image. If Bella and I are happy with the drivers, then our customers will be too. This here is a kick-off party, and we have four more today. Places like the Pines are pure gold. Fact is, Willie Fishbine knew an opportunity when he saw one and was going to invest with us, but he never got a chance to write the check.”

  Bella handed me a stack of cards. “That Bonnie Sue lady who lived here designed these for us and was doing a layout for AARP. She had a good eye and worked real cheap. I think she had money problems. That sucked for her but was great for us. Here, put the cards in your shop, not that any of your penny-pinching customers can afford us. We got a classy operation going on. We’re tapping into retirees with money to spend.”

  Anna and Bella strutted off and I made my way over to Mamma sitting at one of the little patio tables, huffing and puffing and smiling. She had a drink in hand, cheeks pink and eyes bright. “Well, that’s a fine way to start the day.”

  She leaned closer to be heard over the blaring music. “Sure beats the elliptical at the gym or that horrid spinning class I joined. Honey, you look beat; get in there and kick up you heels and get your blood moving.”

  I took the seat next to Mamma’s as the band started in on “Wild Thing,” the whole patio erupting in cheers and waving their hands in the air. I scooted my chair closer so we could talk. “You know how Anna and Bella looked like candidates for the offing-Willie campaign? Well, he was about to invest in Boomers and Bonnie Sue did the advertising layouts. If Anna and Bella wanted to make two more openings at the Pines, they wouldn’t knock off the people they did business with. Tell me you and Auntie KiKi had some luck finding the gym shoe guys, because right now we’re running out of murder suspects.”

  “Honey, take a look around here; everyone’s wearing gym shoes. But you know, this Willie-investing-in-the-Boomers news sure puts Arnett in the spotlight. The last thing she’d want was for daddy to spend money. She wanted it all for herself. If she knew Willie was about to write a big check to Anna and Bella, she’d want to stop him, right?”

  “Kill her own father?”

  “Slipping a few peanuts into the chicken salad or whatever isn’t like picking up a gun or knife, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from years on the bench, anyone is capable of anything with the right motivation.”

  “Plastic surgery and a hot guy on your arm?”

  “Toss in years and years of a stingy daddy and it’s got the makings of a perfect storm. Sometimes people just get fed up and snap.”

  “Willie wrote Bonnie Sue into his will, and Arnett was thrilled Bonnie Sue wasn’t around to inherit. Maybe Arnett was glad to get rid of both of them?”

  “Bonnie Sue’s wake is tonight and you should come. Funerals are always a good place to pick up the latest gossip, and there’s bound to be a good turnout with Foley and Emmitt fighting over who’ll do t
he first eulogy to their lady-love. Emmitt’s written ‘Ode to My Southern Wench,’ and there’s talk that Foley’s bringing his harmonica. How could you possibly say no to a harmonica at a wake?”

  I dragged rock ‘n’ roll BW, now with sunglasses and a tie-dye bandana around his neck, off the dance patio. I needed to get back to the Fox by ten to open up, and I hoped I wouldn’t run into the sisters once I got there. Maybe they’d be at another fan rave and I could avoid the things-are-looking-really-bleak conversation.

  I heard a wolf whistle behind me, followed by, “Hey, hot stuff, wanna lift?” I turned around to find Boone in the Bugmobile pulling to the curb.

  “Do you enjoy giving people a good laugh by riding around in this thing?” I asked him.

  “And look who’s walking a dog with sunglasses and tie-dye.”

  “You win.” I jumped in, BW flopping down in the back seat, Boone staring down at him. “He’s snoring? I think he’s already asleep.”

  “He’s had a good morning and that makes one of us. Anna and Bella are out as potential murderers. Arnett looks a little more promising, but mostly I’m running out of suspects. How was your morning meeting?”

  “I say tonight we get pizza and drown our sorrows with a beer.”

  “As long as my beer includes root and diet and how about Screamin’ MiMi’s? The pizza’s good and we can walk over to Bonnie Sue’s wake. We can see if anyone sticks out. I’m not expecting an X on his or her back and a guilty sign around their neck, but maybe something will catch our attention.”

  “Dinner and a manhunt, my kind of date.” Boone made a left onto Price and a right onto Gwinnett with red and blue strobing lights, everyone within a three-block radius standing in the street and two cruisers at the curb. Boone slowly pulled to a stop in front of Cherry House. “I’ve got a feeling our bad morning just got a whole lot worse.”

  Leaving BW in the back to recuperate, Boone and I got out of the Bug just as Annie Fritz and Elsie followed Aldeen and two police officers from the sisters’ house.