First and Last

by Rachael Duncan

  I’m so sorry I hurt you. It torments me at night and I can’t get the look on your face out of my head. You didn’t deserve that, and I let my own pride get in the way. Honestly, it hurt to be rejected by you and that rejection turned into anger. It was easier to be mad at the way things were than to accept them and move on. At first I was just going to play it off like I always do when someone asks about us. But the anger got the best of me and I lashed out instead. I’m not making excuses or trying to justify what I did, I’m only trying to make you understand why. Either way, I was wrong.

  I’m miserable without you. You have no idea how sad I am because you won’t talk to or see me. I never realized how empty my life could feel until you weren’t in it. I’m asking—begging—you to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need you.

  I’m sorry.

  Blake

  I fold my note up and tape it to the top of her gift. It’s nothing super special. I saw her eyeballing this nail polish kit thing one day when we were out. According to the box, it’s everything she needs for a professional manicure. It even has these fancy design things she can stick on there. As I said, nothing special, but it made her look happy and I was paying attention.

  My feet pound against the stairs when I run back down them. “Mom, can you do me a favor?” I ask when I get to the living room to see she’s still on the couch.

  “Sure, what do you need?”

  “Would you mind taking this next door?” I extend the box out to her. “I’m not exactly welcome over there.”

  A small smile pulls at the corners of her mouth. “Sure.” Without delay, she stands up, grabs the gift, and walks out the front door. There was nothing left for me to do but wait.

  Luckily, at school the next day, she came up to me at my locker and gave me a hug. We didn’t talk about what happened and let it go. So, while I’m glad I have my friend back, I’m tormented trying to keep my feelings for her locked away in a box.

  Luke tells me the best way to get over a girl is to get with another one, so that’s what I’ve been doing. Despite hanging out and messing around a little, none of them hold my interest, but they get my mind off of Mia momentarily. It helps me stay behind the friend line too.

  So, while I’m making out with Katie in the back of a movie theatre, I smother the image of Mia’s beautiful face as it flashes through my mind.

  Present

  I’m out of options and know I have to move. I close my eyes, preparing myself for the pain I’m about to inflict on myself. Using my arms and torso, I try to roll over but stop when what feels like a billion knives stab me all over my body.

  “Ahhhh!”

  The small movement has me out of breath and I don’t think I’m ever going to make it over onto my stomach.

  “You’ve got this, man. It’s your only hope. You’ve got to move and get to a bigger clearing.” The pep talk doesn’t do it and after a couple more attempts, I’m still lying on my back. Every time I get about half way, it’s unbearable and I have to stop. I’m dizzy and lightheaded and probably close to passing out, but I know that’s the last damn thing I need. I have to stay awake and get out of here.

  With a deep breath, I put all of my focus into the task at hand.

  Rolling over.

  I use the myriad of emotions running through me to push myself harder than I’ve ever pushed before. The anger grows in the pit of my stomach, and I welcome it. I need it to get through this. Anger over my current situation and the fact that I can’t move. I’m angry because I can feel death nipping at my heels, begging to swallow me whole. But one particular dickhead comes to mind, dumping kerosene onto my internal fire.

  With Xavier’s face in the forefront of my mind, I grit my teeth and growl as I use every bit of strength within me to roll over.

  April 2001

  Xavier is a son of a bitch.

  He brags to all the guys in the locker room about which girl he’s banged. It’s worse now because he’s talking about Mia. The only reason I know he hasn’t had sex with her is because I heard him bitching today when he didn’t know I was around. Telling the guys you have to be patient with the good girls, but they want the dick just as much as the next girl. I almost fucking lost it.

  As much as I wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of him, I figured it’d be best to tell Mia instead.

  I don’t even bother knocking on the front door of Mia’s house. I climb up the back lattice and thump on her window. She opens it after a few seconds.

  “What are you doing?” she asks in confusion. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, if you don’t count the time her dad caught me when she was mad at me.

  “We need to talk.” I climb the rest of the way in and set my sights on her.

  “About what?”

  “Xavier.”

  Her posture sags and she lets out a deep sigh. “Blake, I don’t want to do this right now.”

  “Too bad. I’ve kept my mouth closed, but I can’t do it anymore.” She crosses her arms and sticks out her hip. “You should break up with him,” I blurt out. I hadn’t planned to open with that line, but whatever. It’s the truth.

  “You just can’t be happy for me, can you?” She shakes her head slowly.

  “What? No, this isn’t—”

  “That’s exactly what it is,” she says, cutting me off. “I’m finally with a guy that is nice to me and funny, and you have to be a jerk about it.” The anger on her face soon transforms to hurt and I hate it.

  “You think he’s nice? Seriously? Let me tell you about the side of your little boyfriend you don’t know. All you see are his charming ways and his smooth talking. What you don’t hear is the way he talks trash about every girl at the school with the guys. I know, in great detail, every girl he’s been with. You’re just another notch on his bedpost. He’ll make you feel special, but to him, you’re not.”

  “I really can’t believe you. Why do you have to do this?”

  “Because you should be with me!” I shout. My eyes widen in surprise by my confession.

  Her eyes squeeze shut, as if hearing this pains her. Shaking her head, she says, “Blake, we’ve been over this. I thought you were going to leave it alone?”

  My shock turns back into anger. There’s no way this is one-sided. Rushing up close to her until we’re inches apart, my gaze locks in on hers. “Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me? If you can say without a doubt that you only see me as a friend, I’ll leave this alone forever. I swear to you I won’t bring it up again.” She pauses with her lips slightly parted. “Tell me, Mia,” I push.

  She swallows hard before she opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Her wide eyes search mine. For what, I don’t know. I just want to know the damn truth.

  “That’s what I thought.” I pace her room and run my hands through my brown hair. “I don’t get it. Why are you holding back? Why won’t you let me take you out on dates? Hold your hand? Let everyone know you’re mine?”

  “I don’t want things to change!” she yells at me, but the crack in her voice betrays her.

  “They won’t,” I reassure her. My eyes plead with her to give in, to give us a chance.

  “I’ve told you this a million times, Blake. I’d rather keep boundaries than risk losing you. Things would change and might not ever go back to the way they were. Then what?” Her arms go out to her sides before falling back down.

  I stop pacing and level her with a stern look. “That’s where you’re wrong. They’ve already changed, Mia. You’re just in denial.”

  We don’t talk again after that.

  May 2001

  I forgot my notebook for history class in my car and I have to turn in my final paper that’s in it. Even though I sprint out to my car, I’m still late and run back into the building as the final bell rings. The halls are empty, making it easy to navigate to the other side of the school. I’m about to go down the last hall to my right, when I hear voices off in a corner. I sl
ow my pace as soon as I recognize the voice.

  Xavier.

  And he sounds pissed.

  “I don’t know what you’re waiting on,” he seethes. I quietly approach him to see who he’s talking to. Before I can get a visual, I hear the other person respond.

  “I don’t know. I’m not ready, okay?”

  Mia.

  She sounds nervous, and that instantly alarms me. My breathing stops as I continue toward them.

  “You think you have a magical pussy or something? You think any other guy is going to wait? It’s been three months, Mia. I’m tired of you holding out on me. The whole innocent virgin thing was cute at first. It’s not now. If you can’t give me what I need, there are plenty of other girls that will.”

  A fire burns deep in the pit of my stomach, putting my mind in such a state of rage that my legs forget how to move and I’m frozen in place. My whole body trembles, vibrating with pure fury, begging to be unleashed. The only thing that brings me back to the present is the sound of Mia whimpering. With that small noise, my feet go into auto drive as they carry me to them quicker than they’ve ever moved before.

  When I see them, I could break something. My jaw clenches so hard, I think I might shatter my teeth. He’s got a firm grip on both of her upper arms, his knuckles turning white as he squeezes her tighter. She winces in pain as she looks at him with wide eyes full of fear. I don’t hear what he says to her next. My sole focus is on her as I continue forward until he shakes her and slams her up against the wall.

  I charge at him, a feral growl leaving my mouth as I lower my shoulder to him. He looks at me in shock right before my body makes contact with his. We collide, the impact causing Xavier to grunt before we fall to the ground. I spring up, straddling his body and punch him in the face. Then I do it again. And again.

  I can’t stop and all I see is red. “You son of a bitch,” I grit through my teeth. I fist his hair in my hands and pull his head up to look at me. “Don’t you ever put your hands on her again!” I punch him again, causing him to groan in pain. Still, I want to keep going.

  A voice pierces my ears that seems so far away and muffled. I pull my arm back again, but someone grabs it. With a murderous glare, I turn to find out who’s restricting my movements and see Mia holding me. Her eyes are filled with tears as she shakes her head, pleading with me to stop my assault on Xavier.

  “Blake.” My name claws its way out of her throat. “Stop. Please.”

  My chest rises and falls rapidly and my nostrils flare as I drag air in and out of my nose. Looking back at Xavier, I know I need to get off of him before things get even more out of hand.

  “Let’s go. We’ve got to get out of here before I get in trouble.” Grabbing her hand, I pull us away from him. There’s a certain level of guilt that hits me the further we run away from him, but that’s quickly overshadowed when visions of him hurting Mia come to my mind.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, her voice trembling.

  I stop us and look into her eyes. “What are you sorry about?” She only shrugs and looks down. I lift her chin back up with my finger, wincing when the throbbing of my knuckles registers. “You have nothing to apologize for. No one should ever put their hands on you, do you understand me?”

  She nods. “Do you think he’s going to be okay?” she whispers. The fact that she cares about that piece of shit’s wellbeing makes me want to yell and hug her at the same time. She’s the kindest person I know, which is one of the things I love about her.

  “You don’t need to worry about that fucker. He’ll be fine.” I turn and continue walking, but realize she doesn’t follow when my arm is jerked back.

  She shakes her head. “I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you getting in a lot of trouble. What if he’s really hurt and tells the principal you did it to him? You’ll get suspended.”

  Her concern for me is more than I can take with all of these different emotions tumbling inside me. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest, holding her tight. “If he tells, then I’ll tell the truth; I was defending a friend.”

  I feel her nod against my chest as she clutches me tighter.

  Word spread about Xavier like wild fire around the school. Apparently, a teacher found him hunched over, sitting on the floor with blood coming from his nose. Any time I heard someone walking down the hall, my heart would stop, thinking the principal was coming to get me.

  Thank God today was a half day because my hand is killing me. I open the freezer to pull out an ice pack, wrap it in a towel, and put it on my hand. I got lucky Mom wasn’t home, so I haven’t had to explain to her what happened. Placing the ice on my hand gingerly, I tense up a little from the soreness.

  There’s a knock on the front door, so I walk over and answer it. On the other side is Mia who’s wringing her hands together anxiously.

  “Hey,” I say as I open it wider, allowing her to come in.

  “Hey.” Her eyes move to my hand. “How does it feel?” she asks.

  “I’m fine.” I try to play it off, but I think I broke it. If the swelling doesn’t go down soon, I’m going to have to tell Mom and she’s going to be pissed.

  Walking over to the couch, she has a seat next to me. We’re silent for a beat. It’s not awkward, but seems neither of us knows what to say. I’m still upset she didn’t listen to me and get away from Xavier, and the images in my head of him hurting her are still raw and fresh in my mind.

  “Let me see.” She gently grabs my hand and uncovers it, gasping slightly when she sees it.

  “It looks worse than it is,” I lie. Glancing at my hand, I see the swelling hasn’t changed; my knuckles are starting to bruise and the cuts on them are scabbing over.

  “You need to go to the doctor.” Her eyes reflect so much worry.

  Removing my hand from hers, I rewrap it. “Really, it’s okay. I promise.”

  “I’m so sorry, Blake.” Her chin quivers and she presses her lips together to stop it.

  “I already told you to stop doing that. Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” I look over her face and the small pieces of her body that are visible. I didn’t get a chance to check her over at school. She shakes her head and looks at her hands. “Let me see your arms.” Even though it’s May, she has a light sweater thrown on over her shirt, hiding her upper arms.

  “I told you it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

  Her refusal lets me know she’s lying just like I am about my hand.

  “Take the sweater off, Mia.” I stare at her, daring her to tell me no again. With a sigh, she gives in and removes it, but I wish she hadn’t. I can see each one of that prick’s fingers embedded in her skin in the form of a faint bruise. “I’m going to kill him,” I mutter.

  She rushes to put her cardigan back on, but I stop her. Gently, I grab her arm and pull her to me, examining it when she’s closer. “Does it hurt?” I ask.

  “Not really. Only when I touch it.” Her voice is so soft—so vulnerable—all I want to do is hold on to her forever.

  Without breaking eye contact, I lean forward and place a soft kiss on her right arm, then do the same to the left. She searches my eyes for a moment, her blues staring deep into my greens, before she grabs my face with both hands and pulls me to her.

  The moment her lips find mine I feel a sense of hope. I haven’t wanted anything more since the last time I kissed her in my room. All of the emotions and feelings I’ve been locking away come pouring out and I can’t stop it. Wrapping my good hand around the back of her neck, I hold her in place as I slide my tongue into her mouth and try to show her exactly what she means to me.

  Within moments, she’s grabbing my shirt, clutching it in her fists as she tries to get closer to me. When that doesn’t satisfy her, she moves to sit on my lap and straddles me. I freeze momentarily, afraid she’s going to feel the hard bulge in my pants, but when she deepens the kiss a little more, all my worries fly out the window. My heart is pounding against my ribs as my insides do flips. M
y uninjured hand travels down her back and rests on her hip. A soft moan escapes her mouth and I know I need to put the brakes on this.

  As much as it kills me, I slow the kiss, peppering her face with small ones before I completely pull away. “Mia, as much as I want to keep going, we have to stop.” My breath is ragged and I squeeze my eyes shut in an effort to focus and stay strong. Because every fiber in my body is telling my brain to shut the hell up.

  “Oh, God, I’m sorry.” She scrambles off of my lap and when I look back up at her I notice her cheeks are red with embarrassment. “It’s just—I mean, I thought—ugh,” she groans and hides her face.

  “Mia, look at me.” When she does, I continue. “Don’t be embarrassed. Trust me, I’m not and I sorta hate myself for stopping us, but we’ve both had a rough day and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to jump into this with me right after everything that happened with Xavier.” I want us to be together more than anything, but not like this. Not because she’s feeling vulnerable and needs that sense of security.

  With a huff, she plops down on the couch next to me. “I guess you’re right.”

  We both stare straight ahead, neither of us chancing a glance at the other. I would say the silence is awkward, but there’s definitely some tension there.

  “I needed a distraction,” she says.

  “I wish I could give that to you right now, but it’s not a good idea.”

  I see her shake her head from the corner of my eye. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about Xavier.”

  Turning to face her, my eyebrows pull together in confusion. “I’m not following.”

  She continues to stare blankly at the wall, not focusing on anything. “I have to hear about the girls you’re hooking up with all the time. Girls asking me if I can get you guys together and the others bragging about what they’ve done with you. It gets to me. I wanted someone to distract me, someone to pay attention to me like you pay attention to them.”