Crazy Heifer

by Vale, Lani Lynn

  Spencer held up the glue. It was super, super glue. Or so I was told. I asked the guy at the hardware store what would be the best thing to stick silicone to tiles, and he’d pointed me in the direction of that particular type of glue.

  So, it was my hope that the glue wouldn’t be coming off very easily. They’d have to chop the dick apart before they could unglue it. Or so I hoped.

  I didn’t want to make it easy for them.

  What would be the fun in that?

  “Let’s do this.” I turned the dildo up and gestured to the rather large suction cup at the bottom.

  “Do you think that someone would actually use this for what it’s intended for?” Callum asked.

  I looked at my younger brother and shrugged. “Who knows?” I said. “I’m sure there has to be a need for it. According to Amazon, it’s the number one best-selling dildo in ‘big dildos collections.’”

  Spencer snorted and twisted the lid off the tube of glue, then squirted the entire thing onto it, using the tube itself to spread it in.

  Once done, he tossed the glue into the trash can at the end of the hall and came back.

  I looked for the best place to put it.

  “Right there.” Callum pointed. “In the middle of the hallway. Right in the middle of the ‘G’.”

  I walked to where he pointed and agreed. It was the perfect spot.

  The first thing anybody would see as they entered the senior hallway was the dildo on the floor.

  Five minutes later it was stuck to the floor and Callum and I were lubing it up.

  “This is gonna be hilarious,” I declared once we were done. “Let’s go wash our hands and go.”

  Or we would have had the bathroom doors not been locked.

  “Well shit,” I said as I looked at my hands, then at the pole we would have to climb to get out of the school. “This is going to be fun.”

  ***

  The next day at school was nerve wracking. After thirty minutes of stacking shit to help us get out, we’d made it home just in time to help with chores and turn around and go back to school. Luckily, I was able to grab a shower first.

  I was fairly sure I had lube in places there shouldn’t be lube.

  The first thing I saw as I got to the school was the crowd.

  They hadn’t even made it inside yet seeing as the seniors had managed to pull off their prank yesterday, too.

  They’d put a cow—a live one at that—on top of the gym. Fortunately, they’d corralled the beast, because I could see the animal walking straight off the side of the building.

  “The bell has rung!” Principal Matthews called out. “Get inside!”

  My brother rolled his eyes at his fellow seniors’ prank.

  “Amateurs.” He snorted as he elbowed me. “What’d you do last night that had you out so late?”

  The tardy bell rang and everybody started to run. It seemed like the entire school was outside staring at the cow, even the teachers.

  That was why everyone was in school and in their classes by the time Principal Matthews came over the loudspeaker and announced the school was in lockdown.

  “And to whoever decided to glue the massive dil… eeeeep, sex toy—whatever—to the tile in the middle of the senior hallway, we will find you,” Principle Matthews declared.

  Callum and I exchanged looks, but neither one of us were worried.

  In fact, there was no way in hell they’d know it was us.

  ***

  Okay, so they somehow found out it was us.

  Well, they’d narrowed it down to about ten students, three of which had actually done it.

  How they’d narrowed it down, I didn’t know. But they did, leaving us all sitting in the middle of the senior hallway as Principal Matthews stared at us with annoyance written all over his face.

  “Who did this?” Matthews asked for the fourth time.

  Nobody answered.

  “If you do not answer, I’ll be forced to call your parents and make sure they realize that you were involved in a prank that’s going to cost us about five hundred dollars to fix.”

  Behind Matthews, two custodians tried in vain to get the dildo off the tile. At first they’d likely just tried to grab it. Now they had a massive crowbar through the middle of the cock, making it appear to have a piercing, as they tugged on it in vain.

  One custodian, the dick that liked to report when kids were sneaking around in the hallways when they should be in class, slipped and fell on his ass.

  I didn’t laugh, but it was a close thing.

  Served the fucker right. He was the reason Spencer, Callum, and I had a chance to come up with this prank in the first place.

  “Shit,” Lorvall muttered as he picked himself off the ground. “Stupid fucking kids.”

  Matthews cleared his throat in reproach.

  “Sorry,” Lorvall muttered again. “Not coming up. We’re going to have to break the tile.”

  Matthews growled.

  “I’m about three seconds away from calling parents,” Matthews declared.

  That was when I saw Candy, who’d been in detention with us as we’d come up with this master plan, shift and open her mouth.

  I couldn’t help what I did next. I threw her ass straight under the bus.

  I didn’t feel bad about it either. Not until much, much later.

  “That wasn’t me,” I said, shrugging. “It was her.”

  I pointed at Candy Ray Sunshine.

  In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done it.

  I’d, of course, considered what was going to happen the moment that I said it. My friends would all back me up, and the blame would go from me to Candy.

  Candy, the goth girl in class that did her best to become part of the wall, gasped in outrage. “I most certainly did not!”

  “She totally did,” my best friend, Spencer Morris, said.

  “She did. I saw her.”