Finding Tranquility

by Laura Heffernan

  The day before Christmas Eve, I took the afternoon off work to go Christmas shopping. This should have been the happiest Christmas I’d had since Ethan was born, but not even the cheesy piped-in holiday music I secretly adored or gingerbread-flavored donuts could raise my spirits. I shopped quickly, not paying much attention to my purchases. Ethan wanted a new iPad, I knew, and that was already hidden safely in my closet, having been delivered to my office shortly after Black Friday. But this year’s stocking stuffers might not wind up the most exciting. I had no idea what I bought.

  When I arrived home, I left the packages in the car before checking to see if the coast was clear. The undecorated tree sat in the corner, once again waiting for Christa to put up the garland and the lights so we could all hang the ornaments together. The sight of the naked tree sent a pang of depression through me, although I didn’t know why. I hurried past it, refusing to look at another reminder that nothing this year was working out the way it should have.

  Ethan sat in the backyard, on the frozen old swing set I never bothered to take down when he outgrew it, staring at the ground. Colored lights twinkled from the apartment building across the street. Christa was nowhere to be found.

  “Where’s your mother?”

  “Out.”

  “Thanks, Sherlock.” I grinned, but he avoided my eyes. “What’s wrong? Where is she?”

  “Nothing. I don’t know.”

  I sat beside him, turning his head so he’d meet my eyes. Then the reason for his attitude hit me like a fist in the gut. Blood smeared his nose and upper lip. His nose puffed out to twice its normal size, and one eye was swollen shut. My hand lifted even as a gasp escaped me.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing. I’m fine.” I glared at him, not bothering to point out the obvious lie. “It’s not a big deal. I quit the basketball team.”

  “You...oh.” The reality behind those words hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m so sorry, honey. Come inside, let me get you cleaned up.”

  “No. If they’re going to treat me like a freak, I’ll look like a freak.”

  My heart broke for him. He didn’t ask for any of this, but kids were cruel, and he bore the burden of the choices his parents made. Both of us. I may not have been involved in Brett’s decision to leave, but I certainly encouraged Christa to come back. In doing so, I’d turned our son into an outcast.

  Neither of us asked his permission, not really. We just acted, expecting our child to deal with whatever consequences arose. And we were ridiculously short-sighted, thinking that just because we lived in a liberal community, in a state where same-sex couples could marry, no one would have a problem with our choices.

  Ignoring his words, I went into the house and returned with the first aid kit. He winced when I dabbed at his face with cotton, clearing off the blood, but knew better than to argue. Thankfully, his nose wasn’t broken, all his teeth remained in place, and it wouldn’t be worth the hassle of trying to get him to agree to stitches. Instead, I put a couple of butterfly closures across one eyebrow and threatened to change the password for the Wi-Fi if he removed them before the next morning.

  “I’m so sorry this happened, Ethan.”

  “You should see the other guy.” He attempted a smile but winced when his split lip stretched open. I reached for another butterfly closure.

  “I’m calling the school first thing tomorrow morning. This isn’t okay.”

  “Please don’t, Mom. You’ll only make things worse. They hit me, I fought back, we’re good. The other guys know now, just because I have two moms, I’m not a wuss. This is how guys work things out.”

  I wasn’t so sure, but I’d never been a teenage boy. I made a mental note to talk to Christa about this later. She’d have a lot of insight. Maybe we could even talk about that time she beat up Aaron Porter when we were in high school. I never got tired of that story.

  Inside the house, the front door closed.

  “Please don’t tell her,” Ethan said.

  “What’s she going to think? You fell and hit a doorknob with your face?”

  He swallowed. “I’ll do it. Just not yet. Give me a few minutes?”

  With a sigh and a squeeze of his shoulder, I went into the house to greet my wife. She looked drawn, haggard. When I’d re-met her, she’d been so vibrant, so alive. Had I done this to her? Maybe Christa would’ve been better off in Canada, living someone else’s life.

  Until she went to jail, I reminded myself. But still, if I hadn’t been there, if Tina had arrived at Christa’s house on a day when Ethan and I weren’t sitting around the dining room table, our lives right now could be very different. I’d thought this was the best solution, but the choices I’d made less than a month ago now seemed naive at best. It was foolish to think we could pick up our lives as if nothing ever happened.

  Nothing was working out the way we’d hoped. What were we even doing? Were we stupid to think we could recapture a high school romance, decades later? Maybe there was a reason so many first loves wound up divorced at forty or fifty, once the kids were grown.

  Chapter 25

  Christa

  After breakfast on Christmas Eve, Jess told me to get dressed up and get in the car without asking questions.

  “What about Ethan?”

  “That’s a question,” she said.

  “Okay… So I’m just going to assume we’re ditching our son on Christmas Eve, the first time we’ll have all spent the holiday together in his lifetime.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me. “He’s going to Ma’s. We’ll be home before midnight, and we’ll be with him all day on Christmas. Now get your ass in gear. We’re going to be late.”

  Late for what? That was a question, though, so I kept my mouth shut and went to get dressed instead. An hour later, we hugged Ethan good-bye and left him in the care of my mother-in-law.

  Jess handed me a blindfold. “Put this on.”

  “Why?”

  “No questions.”

  “Okay, but if my mascara smudges, it’s on you.”

  “That’s a risk I’ll take. Now hush.”

  The radio started blasting a recent musical, making any further conversation futile. I couldn’t see to turn it down, even if I thought it would be likely to help. Instead, I leaned back in my seat, wondering where we were going. When the musical clicked around to the first song for the second time, I realized this wasn’t a quick trip. Were we going to visit my mother in Connecticut? Up to Vermont to surprise Val? I hadn’t planned to spend my Christmas Eve chopping wood, but if she needed us, I’d help.

  Finally, when my bladder was about to explode, the SUV stopped. Jess took my hand while I alighted from the vehicle, hushing all my attempts at conversation. I managed to squeak out the word “bathroom,” but that was about it.

  The smells of fried food and garbage and people and urine and dirt hit my nose: the unmistakable mishmash of odors that signaled we’d arrived in a city. Did Jess drive in circles for three hours just to wind up in downtown Boston?

  “This way,” she urged. “Careful, there’s a doorway ahead. I’m holding it open for you.”

  My heels clicked against pavement before moving onto what felt like tile. Jess maneuvered me until we wound up in a place that absolutely smelled like a bathroom.

  “The stall door is in front of you. Take one step, then you can take off the blindfold. Put it back on when you’re done.”

  Okay, this was getting ridiculous. Where were we? Why the secrecy? I studied the interior walls of the bathroom stall as if the secret to the meaning of life was written on them, but all I gleaned from the addresses was that we were somewhere near New York City. I’d always wanted to skate in Rockefeller Center, to see the big Christmas tree in person, but that seemed like an experience Jess would’ve wanted to share with our son.

  Soon, we were back in the hall, the blindfold once again leaving me in frustrating darkness.

  “Just
another minute,” Jess said. “We’re almost there.”

  I grumbled under my breath, but secretly I was touched she’d gone to so much effort to do something special for me. We went through another doorway, then Jess stopped walking. “Wait right here.”

  Where was I going to go?

  Heels clicked away from me. Great, now I was blindfolded and alone somewhere in New York City, with my cell phone in my purse in the car. If it had been anyone but Jess orchestrating this stunt, I’d have been out of there.

  Still, I tapped my foot to let her know I preferred not to wait forever for the big reveal, whatever it was. It didn’t take long.

  A voice rang out behind me, sending a chill down my spine. “Why, if it isn’t the bitch who stole my best blond wig.”

  Not even daring to hope, I removed the blindfold. Posters lined the cinderblock wall, telling me we stood in an old theater. Slowly, I turned, seeking the person who’d spoken. It couldn’t be. How…?

  In front of me towered a gorgeous Asian woman with long black hair, dressed from head to toe in red leather and wearing an aggravated expression I’d seen a dozen times. When our eyes locked, her faux frustration evaporated, and she grinned widely.

  Mouth open, I looked from her to my wife and back. Jess just beamed at me, looking like she’d won the lottery.

  “Don’t just stand there gawking. Get your ass over here and give me a hug!”

  The words shocked me into movement, and I closed the distance between us. Nina wrapped her long arms around me, and I clutched her as if she were the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

  “Don’t start crying now, or you’ll ruin my makeup,” she said.

  I chuckled and pulled back. “I’m sorry. It’s just so good to see you.”

  “You, too. I’m glad you found yourself. I wish my husband were here to see you.”

  “You’re married?”

  “That’s right. To the hottest man you will ever meet. We’ve got two kids, 7 and 9. Gorgeous little rug rats. We’re all ruled by a gorgeous Siamese cat. Unfortunately, Leroy’s home wrapping presents and putting out snacks for Santa Claus, so he’s not here tonight. Oh, I wish I could invite him.”

  “We’ll come back,” I said. “I’d love to meet him. And this is Jess.”

  “Oh, I know Jess. We go back DAYS.” She blew a kiss at the air behind me. “But look, I gotta go do my show. You two meet me around the back after?”

  “That sounds awesome.”

  She sashayed away, and I marveled at how she hadn’t changed a bit. Part of me wanted to chase her down the hall, worried that if I let her go, I’d never see her again. But we were only going to the front of the theater, and security guards were everywhere, and she’d be fine.

  Beside me, Jess touched my hand. “How’re you doing?”

  “I can’t believe you did this! How did you even find her?”

  “When you told me Bo’s story, it sounded familiar. It took some time, but I finally figured out why. There was a queen on America’s Top Drag Model a few years ago named Tabby Rangoon. She told a heartbreaking story about how she was gay-bashed, and how her parents never accepted her. I went back and watched the season again, and it all checked out. So, I contacted the show, told them my story, and asked where Tabby was working now. I was prepared to travel anywhere, but luckily, she landed in New York City. Then I just had to convince her manager that I wasn’t some kind of crackpot and he got us permission to go backstage. Knowing her real name helped.”

  She made it all sound as easy as ordering takeout, but I marveled at the amount of time and effort this surprise must have taken. “I can’t ever possibly thank you enough.”

  “You don’t have to. The look on your face when you saw her was thanks enough. Merry Christmas, Christa.”

  Chapter 26

  January 2020

  Jess

  Six weeks after moving back to Boston, Christa still hadn’t found work. Our son’s bruises may have faded, but he was becoming quieter, more withdrawn. He went out less, stayed in with Christa more. He decided not to apply to Berkeley because it was too far away. I should’ve been glad they were bonding, but their shared isolation worried me. All I wanted was a way for the three of us to be happy together. I’d thought taking Christa to see Bo, to show her that he was doing well, would help. For a few days, maybe it did, but by the time New Year’s rolled around, she was back to spending most of her time playing video games.

  One Friday, after receiving a phone call at work, I told Teddy I’d be leaving early. Knowing what this meant, he agreed with an air of resignation and a hug that left me gasping for air.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said.

  “I know. Good luck.”

  After a quick stop, I drove home, wondering how Christa would respond to what I had to tell her. A manila envelope sat beside me, thick with a sheaf of papers. This would be best for everyone involved. Things just weren’t working out the way we thought they would. Something had to change.

  After I pulled into the driveway, I watched snow fall onto the windshield. Although it was early, dark clouds obliterated the sun. Some days in January, the sky never lightened at all.

  With a sigh, I shut off the engine. I loved this house, this neighborhood, the life I created for Ethan. But that wasn’t the life I now found myself living. Everything was about to change. We couldn’t go on like this.

  No one greeted me when I entered the house. I called Christa’s name, checking the kitchen, my office, even the guest room. Nothing. Halfway up the stairs, I heard her answering call.

  “In here!”

  “There’s something I need to…” The words died in my throat when I reached our bedroom door.

  Clothes lay strewn across the bed, the floor. A sock hung over one lampshade. It took a moment to find the suitcase beneath the mound of crap on the bedspread. Clicking hangers and swishing garments directed me to Christa in the walk-in closet.

  Did she know? Had she somehow guessed what I’d come home to say?

  “Did he tell you?”

  “Did who tell me what?” she asked.

  “Ethan. He’s… well, I’ve… Maybe we should sit down. We’ve got some things to talk about.” I held up the envelope still gripped in one hand.

  We moved to the bed, and I handed it to her. She opened it and pulled out a sheaf of papers. Her expression changed from confusion to joy to sadness as her eyes scanned the page. “You bought Tranquility?”

  My heart in my throat, I nodded. “We need to start over. A new beginning. Ethan loves snow and skiing, you’ve got experience in hotel management, and, well, there’s a need for doctors everywhere. I started in general practice before switching to orthopedics. I can go back. It’s not as lucrative, but with the farm and the lower cost of living, we’ll be fine.”

  She sniffled. “This is amazing. Jess, you didn’t have to do this for me. We could’ve made things work here.”

  “No, we couldn’t. You’re miserable, I’m frustrated, and Ethan feels the tension coming from both of us. Something has to change, and this seemed like the perfect solution. Besides, I got an awesome deal. Val’s already on her way to Florida, and she couldn’t be happier.”

  “Thank you!” She threw her arms around me. “I love you.”

  I held her for a minute, but then my eyes returned to the clothing strewn over the bed. Releasing her, I moved backward. “If you had no idea we were moving, why are you packing? What’s going on? Where are you going?”

  She choked on her words, swallowed, and reached for my hands. I batted them away and stood.

  “Stop, Jess,” she said. “It’s not what you think.”

  “So you’re not the same asshole who ran out on your wife years ago when things got tough?”

  The doorbell rang. She didn’t answer, instead glancing helplessly in the direction of the front door. I wondered who stood on the other side: a divorce lawyer? Movers?

  “Oh, my God. Y
ou really are leaving me. Were you even going to say good-bye? Or were you planning to fake your death a second time?” With tears blinding me, I stumbled toward the doorway.

  “Jess, wait!”

  “Fuck you,” I said.

  At the bottom of the stairs, I flung the door open, running past a wide-eyed man in a black cashmere overcoat and a top hat. My feet skidded on the ice beneath the snow, my arms reeled, and I fell backward into the stranger, knocking us both to the ground.

  ∞ ♡ ∞

  Christa

  When Jess ran out that door, my heart jumped into my throat. I’d spent days planning how to tell her, weeks even. Every detail in my head was worked out perfectly, but I’d failed to anticipate what would happen if Jess returned home before I was ready for her. If she figured out what was going on before I managed to break the news to her gently.

  I also hadn’t considered her reaction fully. With all that happened, until the hurt filled her eyes, part of me wondered if Jess was really happy I’d come back. Sure, we’d hugged and kissed and snuggled and talked, but we seemed more like old friends than spouses most of the time. The sex was fantastic, yet infrequent. We were more like roommates who shared a bed than wives.

  She defended me in public, but was distant and brooding when we were alone. Part of me wondered if Jess was really okay being married to a woman, or if she was just doing what she thought I wanted, or what she thought Ethan wanted. Fear of hearing her answer made me delay asking.

  The second she ran out that door, all of her distance since I’d come back made sense. Jess wasn’t holding back because she didn’t love me, or because she wasn’t attracted to me, or because she was only doing this for our child. She was afraid she wasn’t enough for me, that she wasn’t what I wanted, and that I’d leave her again. She’d been holding back to protect herself.

  Stupidly, I’d made plans without talking to her, thinking I’d fix everything. Instead of creating a solution for us to be together, all I’d done bring her worst fears to life.