Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  “I’m not going to be the guy who’s going to leave when things get tough. You’ve been through some shit, I can see it all over your face, but I want to try to make it better, Kate. You deserve to be happy.”

  I definitely feel my heart beating now; so fast I can feel it in my neck. He didn’t blink once during his mini speech, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t either. He’s like a tow truck pulling me out of my wreckage.

  “I don’t think you can make everything better,” I admit, honestly.

  He cups my face in his hands and moves so that his face is only a few inches from mine. “I’m going to try.” His lips brush across mine so quickly that I think I’ve only imagined it.

  “I’m actually pretty tired. Do you mind if we call it a day and try the movie thing some other time?”

  He nods, removing his hands from my face. “I’m picking you up at three o’clock tomorrow. We’re going fishing.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. I remember the last time we went and how he almost kissed me. Things have certainly changed since then.

  “Are you sure you’re okay here alone?” His eyes are searching mine for something hidden in their depths.

  “I’ll be fine.” I’ve been pretending to be for a long time; that’s probably not going to change now.

  He nods and then leans in to kiss my cheek. His hands travel down my arm as he walks away, until only our fingertips touch. He looks back one more time before breaking the connection.

  I miss him the second the door closes.

  Chapter 13

  “Hey, honey, where are you off to today?” my mom asks, pulling a coffee cup from the cupboard. She gets one night off a week from Pete’s, and today is her lucky day.

  “Asher’s coming to get me soon. We’re going fishing,” I reply, pulling my hair up into a loose knot at the top of my head.

  “Are you being careful?”

  “You don’t have anything to worry about when I’m with him. He’s a nice guy,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

  Her eyes snap to mine. “So is Beau.”

  Her words are like a slap in the face. Beau is one of the nicest people I’ve ever known, but it’s easier for me to let Asher in. Asher tries to understand me layer by layer while Beau goes straight for the center. Plus, Asher seems to have his own secrets, which helps me not feel so guilty about mine.

  “I can’t explain it, but being with Asher makes me feel different.”

  She stares at the ceiling and shakes her head.

  “And Beau’s the guy who used to come stay with you every time you were sick. He’s the guy who took you to prom when you didn’t have a date. Don’t turn your back on that because you never know when you’ll need him again; when he might need you again, Kate. Friends like that are rare.”

  “Mom—” A knock at the door brings our attention to the door. “Look, I’ve got to go. We can talk about this again later.” I grab my purse and head for the door before my mom has any time to sink her teeth into Asher. I would love for her to get to know him so she can see what I’ve seen, but it won’t work if all she sees in my future is Beau.

  “Are you in a hurry?” he asks, after I slam the front door.

  I skip down the stairs, only looking back once to make sure my mom isn’t following. “I’m just excited to go fishing again.” I say, opening the passenger door.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, drawing one of his eyebrows up.

  “I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” I turn and smile at him as he turns the ignition. He shakes his head at me and links his hand with mine.

  The drive to the lake is short and quiet. I’m trying to center my emotions, and Asher’s probably trying to figure out what exactly is going on inside my head. I don’t even know if I could answer myself. My mom made me feel like crap for letting someone other than Beau into my life. I love Beau, but Asher’s who I need right now.

  “Are you going to get out of the car?” Asher asks, interrupting my thoughts.

  I look at him. “How long have we been sitting here?”

  “Long enough for me to see how cute you are when you’re daydreaming.” He smiles.

  I turn my face so that he won’t see the slight blush in my cheeks. Asher Hunt is always keeping me on my toes. “Let’s go fish before you start reading my mind.” I listen to him laugh as I exit the car and walk toward the lake.

  As we approach the lake, he points to an old boat on the side of the dock. “We’re taking that today.”

  “We’re actually fishing on a boat this time?” I ask, staring at the beat up fishing boat with nothing but two seats inside.

  “Fuck yeah, my dad said we could use it as long as we brought it back in one piece,” he replies, placing the fishing poles and tackle box in the boat.

  Looking at the boat again, I can’t help but laugh. I don’t think the boat is even in one piece as it sits tied to the dock. Asher climbs in first, holding his hand out for me to climb in. The way the boat wiggles back and forth when I put my first foot in makes me hesitate, but Asher grabs my hips and lifts me until I’m standing next to him.

  “I won’t let anything happen to you.” He kisses me before turning to untie the knots that hold the boat in place.

  I carefully sit down on one of the two seats and watch his muscles flex under his tight grey t-shirt. It’s a nice distraction from the pile of lumber we’re about to take out into the middle of the water. It’s been cloudy and windy all day with temperatures hovering in the sixties. My grandpa used to call this perfect fishing weather, but I fail to see the perfection.

  “Ready?” Asher asks, wiping his hands on his jeans.

  “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

  He grins at my reluctance and points. “There’s a life jacket under each seat, but my job is to make sure you don’t need one.”

  “Have you taken this thing out by yourself before?” I ask, biting nervously on my nail.

  “Kate, trust me,” he says, giving me a warning look.

  “It’s not you I have issues with . . . it’s the boat.”

  He shakes his head and turns back to the rope that keeps the boat connected to the dock. Deep down, I know he wouldn’t be taking me out on the lake if he couldn’t return me to shore in the same condition.

  He pushes away from the dock and takes his seat, grabbing the two oars that rest along the side of the boat. This thing doesn’t even have an engine!

  “Do you want me to help you get this thing going?” I ask, watching him as he starts to move his arms back and forth, moving us further and further into the water.

  “I got it,” he says with a smile, never taking his eyes off me. The way he looks at me makes warmth pool in my stomach. The more I’m around Asher, the more I realize he could really hurt me if things didn’t end well between us.

  “So, who’s going to catch more fish today?”

  “I didn’t know it was a contest,” I reply, tucking some loose strands of my dark hair behind my ears.

  “Everything with me is a contest. It’s the only way I can motivate myself to do anything,” he says, letting his lips turn up on one side.

  I sit forward, resting my elbows on my knees so that my body is a little closer to his. “Oh yeah? What other contests do we have going on that I don’t know about?”

  He stops moving his arms and pulls the oars into the boat. I glance around and notice we are already in the center of the lake; the boat feels so much smaller, and so much more vulnerable out here.

  He sits forward and grabs my chin between his index finger and thumb. “We’re also going to see who can steal the most kisses today,” he growls, brushing his lips against mine, “I already have the lead. And I don’t like to lose.”

  My heart is racing as he sits back in his seat and grabs the oars again. His cocky grin and the way he runs his tongue over his bottom lip before pulling it between his teeth are enough to spin my hormones out of control. He laughs and shakes his head. That boy . . . he knows exactly what
he’s doing.

  “Let’s catch some fish. I think this is a good spot,” he says, throwing a metal anchor into the water. “My dad says this is the best location, so let’s test that theory and see how right he is.”

  My fears about the boat have started to dwindle; it seems to be okay as long as we don’t move too much. Asher doesn’t even ask me if I want to put a worm on my own hook this time. He just does it and hands me my pole, loaded with the bobber and all. His hand brushes against mine when I grab for the handle, sending a tingle up my arm. It doesn’t get past Asher because a dimple-bearing smile lights up his face as he reaches for his own pole.

  “Do you want to make a bet?” he asks out of the blue.

  “It depends on what kind of bet you want to make, Mr. Hunt,” I smile. He has this way of making me think of nothing but him. I kind of rather like when he takes over that part of me.

  “Well, Miss Alexander, I think the person who catches the most fish should get a little prize.”

  “And what’s the prize?” I ask, watching the glimmer in his blue eyes.

  “Winner’s choice.” He shrugs. The smile falls from my face as I think about what he probably wants from me if he wins. I’m not ready for anything more than what I’ve given him. I don’t know if I ever will be.

  “Hey, come back to me. What are you thinking about?” he asks, running his thumb across my cheek.

  I lean into his touch and take a deep, cleansing breath. “I’m sorry. I just get lost in my thoughts sometimes.”

  “When I wagered that bet, I didn’t mean whatever it is that you’re thinking,” he whispers, lowering his hand from my face.

  “I didn’t-”

  “Not everyone is out to get you, Kate. I’m not the guy who needs to make bets in order to get something like that from a girl,” he says, his eyes searing into mine like a blade.

  I glance up at the grey skies to pull my eyes away from him. “You don’t know my whole story. You wouldn’t understand it even if I told you.”

  “Even if I don’t understand, I can listen,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “Then tell me why you’re really in Carrington because I don’t believe all this simple life bullshit, Asher,” I say, not even trying to control my growing temper anymore.

  “You know what? Let’s forget I mentioned listening, or any of the other shit, and just fish. The person who catches the least amount of fish gets to paddle this boat back to the dock.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply before turning back to look over the side of the boat. I don’t know how he expects me to open up to him if he can’t seem to do it himself.

  I find my bobber floating above the water and focus my eyes on it. When I finally glance over at him, his shoulders are visibly tense. I’m starting to resent myself because I always turn his sweet gestures and teasing into something it’s not.

  “Well, it looks like we’re both going to lose,” I say, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

  He turns his head in my direction. “The way this is going, I’d say you’re probably right,” he says. The serious expression on his face makes me feel as though we may not be referring to the fish anymore.

  For a long time, I’ve made myself believe that it’s okay to push all the people who care about me away. I did it to most of my high school friends, although now that I look back on it, I don’t think they were ever true friends to begin with. And Beau . . . well, I’ve had him dangling off the edge of a cliff for over two years, and he’s still holding on for dear life.

  I still haven’t quite figured out where Asher fits in. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m more free and happier when I’m with him than when I’m without him.

  Something cold hits my nose like a dagger breaking me from my thoughts. Darker clouds have moved in and I notice pouring rain off in the distance. This is one situation I never envisioned myself being stuck in. I can’t even stand being locked away in my room when it rains much less out in the middle of the lake trapped in a small boat that requires paddling to get us from one point to another.

  Drops of water start to fall more frequently and it feels as if someone has sucked the air right out of me. My mind takes me back and I feel Drew’s repulsive fingers all over my body again. I hear his voice yelling things at me that I’ll never forget. I smell him . . . even through the scent of rain and lake water. I pinch my eyes closed, place my hands over my ears and bury my head between my knees, letting my tears mix with the water pooled on the floor of the boat. The rain is falling so hard on my back that I don’t realize that a hand is gently moving up and down my spine.

  Asher. I almost forgot he was here because all I could sense was Drew.

  “You’re shaking. Please just tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what you need,” he pleads, leaning so that his mouth in as close to my hand-covered ear as he can get. I hear his voice, but I’m not really able to process his words. The sound of the pouring rain hitting the lake and boat muffle anything that comes out of his mouth.

  “Get me off this boat. Please, I need to go inside,” I panic. Nothing is more important to me in that moment than getting out of the rain.

  My life is like a top, spinning and spinning until it can’t spin anymore and has no other choice but to fall. I have no one to catch me, but how can they when I won’t let them?

  Asher’s hand is still on my back, which means this boat hasn’t moved at all. “Asher, please, I need to get off this boat,” I cry, “Please.” My whole body trembles.

  Adrenaline whips through my body and I struggle to grab an oar. There are so many things I should have done differently that night. God, he ruined everything.

  “Kate!” I hear Asher yell.

  I can’t look up. I’m going to be sick soon, and it’s all because of the asshole who took my life away.

  “Hear me out, Kate. Look at me,” he says loudly.

  I continue to ignore him. I can’t stop myself from shaking, from shutting him out as I feel the rain soaking my body.

  “I killed my best friend last year!” I hear Asher yell. “It’s all my fucking fault. If I hadn’t been so stupid, she’d still be here.”

  I stop crying when I hear his confession ringing through my ears loud and clear like a tornado siren. I snap out of my daze to look at him. His chin lowers to his chest, and I watch him fight the emotion that wants to come to the surface. My heart twists when I look at him; I’ve never seen anyone so broken in my life.

  “Asher,” I say softly, slowly reaching my hand toward him and running his hair between my fingers.

  His head snaps up and I react, pulling my fingers away. “She was drunk at a party, and I let her drive home. Who does that? Who lets someone who means so much to them drive home when they can barely walk?” he asks, fisting his hair in his hands.

  My heart shatters in my chest as I watch the anguish wash over him. “Why did you let her drive home?”

  He flinches, taking a few seconds to collect himself before his eyes shoot up to mine. “I was drunk and stupid. I let her climb into the seat of her little red car and drive away without even putting her seatbelt on. She didn’t even make it ten blocks before she slammed head-on into a tree.” His hands are still tugging all the hair they can grasp. I want to touch him, but I’m too afraid to move my hand.

  “We heard the sirens and decided to go see what was going on.” He swallows. Tears are pooling in his eyes, but he’s constantly glancing toward the sky to hold them in. “Do you know how horrible it is to pull up to the scene of an accident and realize the person inside the mangled car is your best friend? Megan was the kindest, most caring person I’ve ever known, and now she’s gone.”

  I’ve been so wrapped in his story that I forgot about the droplets that are still crashing into my body. I know what it’s like to live with guilt and secrets. They weigh you down until you quit fighting them altogether.

  I hesitantly rest my hand on his shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. “If you were both drunk, how is i
t your fault? You have to forgive yourself.”

  His head snaps up. “We promised each other that one of us would always stay sober to make sure we both made it home okay. That night, I changed the rules. I had an argument with my mom and step-dad, and I needed to blow off some steam. She had already had a couple drinks when I took my first sip,” he says, pinching his eyes shut. “I was so fucking selfish. I believed we were invincible, and I learned the hard way that we’re not. Now I’m paying for it.”

  “Is that why you’re in Carrington?” I ask.

  He slowly shakes his head no. “That’s a story for another day.”

  He stares at me as I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. There’s a battle going on inside me. Is Asher the person who I can entrust my secret to? Once it’s out, it’s not mine to hold onto anymore. It might make me feel better if I have someone to talk to when the memories are pulling me under.

  “Kate, please say something. Don’t look at me like that. I know what I did was wrong, but I can’t do anything about it now. It’s too late!” Asher shouts. His worried eyes are burning through me.

  My whole body trembles as I try to catch my breath. The sound of the rain is piercing through my ears again. I just want this all to be over.

  “I was raped,” I murmur, watching his eyes double in size.

  “What?” he asks, seemingly shocked by my admission. I pinch my eyes closed, and work to find the words to explain who I am today. It’s about time I told someone.

  As soon as I open my mouth to speak, he grabs my face in his hands. “I am so sorry.”

  “What?” I ask, pulling back.

  His grip around my face tightens as he pulls me close to him again. “I’m sorry that happened to you. No one should have to go through that.” And that’s all it takes before I’m sobbing in his arms. “It’s okay. I’ve got you now.”

  “I should never have gone into his bedroom,” I cry, gripping Asher’s soaked t-shirt.