Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  I nod my head and keep my eyes down. “You’re right, Mama. I just want to forget Caroline.” I press my fingers to my eyes and push down, squeezing them shut. “I can’t forget her. I don’t know why. I just can’t.”

  Her face softens a little. “I know there is no one like Caroline.”

  She turns around and I hear her sniff. She still gets sentimental about Caroline.

  “I loved her too, you know.”

  “I know, Mama.”

  “Have you talked to her dad lately?”

  “The last time I tried, it just rang and rang.”

  “Well, why don’t you call him again…see if he knows anything new?”

  “Okay…I’m sorry, Mama. I shouldn’t have said that the way I did. I don’t want to upset you.”

  “You’re a man, I know you’ve got desires like anybody else. But you’ve always been smarter than everybody else too. Don’t blow it all for a few minutes of fun…get done with school, find somebody you care about, settle down. Someone else will come along that you do care about.”

  If I could count the times my mom has said that last sentence, I’d be a rich man. She really believes it. But she’s never had a love like mine with Caroline.

  ****

  I call Dan later that night. It rings and rings and rings. He seemed well the last time I talked to him. I hope he hasn’t had a relapse. Since he went back to Tulma, I’ve talked to him less and less. Maybe I should make a trip there on my next day off.

  Chapter 33

  Full Circle

  The holidays are grueling. Gracie is the only bright spot. Everything reminds me of Davis and I can’t get past the injustice that someone like him is gone. I’m fighting to get out of bed every morning. Now that my dad has made himself right at home, I feel the finality of Davis being gone. Dad works on the house, doing the projects Davis would have done and making it more evident that he isn’t coming back.

  It’s strange that all the men in my life have been builders.

  I keep putting off going to find Isaiah. My dad has tried the number he had for him and didn’t reach him. He’s not sure he has the latest number, so I’m not sure what to do next. Dad says he’s not sure how he’ll get the new number unless he gets home and Isaiah happens to call.

  I want to tell him to go home then, but I don’t. I do tell him that I won’t be going to Tulma with him, so if that’s what needs to happen, he better go ahead and then come back for me when he has the number.

  He keeps staying though, and before I know it, we’re halfway through the month of January.

  “Why don’t we just go look for him at the University?” I ask one morning.

  I’m not sure why I haven’t just taken off to do it myself at this point. I guess I still have some daddy issues. I don’t want to look to him for help, but I wish that he would come through sometime.

  “We could,” my dad says. “But…it would just be more difficult if he didn’t have any warning.”

  Ruby and Papa are busy looking busy in the kitchen. I know they’re listening to every word. I study my dad’s face. He eats his toast and reads his paper. I snatch the paper out of his hands.

  “You don’t want to leave here, do you? You’d like to stay forever and be pampered just like I pampered you at home. Except Ruby, don’t you do it. He’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.”

  I storm out of the kitchen and practically trip over one of our guests.

  “Caroline!” my dad calls out behind me. “Hold on.”

  I turn around and give him an exasperated look.

  “You’re right, I don’t want to leave, but it’s not because I want someone to wait on me. I guess I’m not wanting this time with just us to be over. I’ve been enjoying getting to know the adult you.”

  “Why?” I lift my shoulders. “It’s not like I’m even nice to you.”

  “True.” He laughs. “I must be a sucker for punishment.” He puts his hand on my arm. “Caroline, look at me. Even when you’re mad at someone, your sweetness comes through. You might mouth off here and there, but I know your heart. I do know who you really are, whether you believe me or not. And I deserve every piece of crap you ever give me. I know that.”

  I shift on my feet and he drops his arm.

  “Now listen, if you really want to go, we’ll go as soon as Ruby is fine with the Inn schedule. Do you want to look at that and let me know?”

  “Okay, I’ll go ask her.”

  “All right. Let’s do this.” He winks at me and my heart softens just a touch.

  ****

  That afternoon, Ruby and I look over the schedule and decide that I should go the following week or the next, before the guests start pouring in. The whole month of February is a busy one, so I’ll need to be back by the 1st. For the next few days, any time there’s a lull, I pack for Gracie and me. She’s excited to go on a trip.

  We set out on a Monday morning and drive as long as we can before Gracie needs to stretch and go to the bathroom. We’re about halfway to Memphis and get a bite to eat while we’re stopped.

  It’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere besides Bardstown that I had forgotten how people look at a white woman with a black child. In one restaurant stop, at least four people openly view me with disgust.

  One guy was smiling at Gracie, thinking she was so cute as she did a little dance while we were waiting to be seated. When she turned and said, “Mama, we eat soon?” and he saw that I answered, he rolled his eyes and looked away, disgusted.

  It’s a vile thing. I’m reminded of why I’ve worked so hard to protect Gracie from it. Dad notices and during one particular glare, he puts his hand on my shoulder and tells the men to keep moving. Thankfully, not everyone is that way. We have a nice waitress.

  We eat quickly and get out of there. I hope Memphis will be better.

  We pull into Memphis late in the afternoon, and Dad checks us into a motel not far from the University. I give Gracie a bath and then she wears herself out bouncing on the bed. When she falls asleep, I get in the tub and think about seeing Isaiah tomorrow.

  My dad calls several numbers in the phonebook but doesn’t find him. He thinks they keep their number unlisted because of all that went down in Tulma before they left. We’ll just have to go to the school and see if we can find him, I guess.

  The next morning is warmer than usual for January, but we dress in layers, just in case. I’d like to think that I don’t put any extra care into my appearance, but I do. When I come out of the bathroom, Dad whistles. I roll my eyes. He laughs.

  With Gracie, though, I put on her cutest outfit and make sure her hair is just so. It’s not every day you meet your daddy.

  Before we leave to stalk Isaiah, I look up to heaven. “If you’re up there, Davis, put in a good word with God. I just want Isaiah to know her. That’s all. I don’t expect anything else but that.”

  We park in front of the long brick building. Not so bad, I think…until I see all the other buildings around it. It will be a miracle if we find him.

  Dad goes to the left side of the building and I go to the right. We’re there about ten minutes before a rush of students pours in from everywhere. Some are walking, some park their cars and others lock their bikes to the rack next to the sidewalk. I scan all the bicycle riders, thinking Isaiah would naturally be riding his bike, but then shake my head, aggravated with myself. He’s not a kid anymore.

  When the traffic slows down, I walk around to Dad’s side.

  “See anyone who looked like him?” he asks.

  “No. Would I recognize him? Does he look the same?”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, but yes, I’m pretty sure he looks the same, only taller and better looking. Or maybe it was just that he looked better once I got sober.”

  I smile at his joke and think he’s probably right. Because there’s no way Isaiah Washington could get any better looking than he already was.

  My dad goes to some of the other buildings
. He goes to the admissions’ office too, but he’s already tried calling there and they don’t give out information about their students.

  Gracie plays with her dolly under different trees and picks a few flowers on the sly. We walk to different parts of the campus, and I think, to her, it’s just another day outside.

  We give up around five that night.

  “What if he takes night classes?” I ask as we get in the car.

  “We need to eat, honey. Keep your strength up. You’ve given Gracie all your snacks today.”

  We come across a Popeye’s and I’m reminded of that day here so long ago. I wonder if he thinks of that every time he passes it…that I abandoned him while he went to get me food. The guilt drowns me. If what Daddy said is true and Isaiah never got my letter and looked for me for a whole year and a half…and is finally moving on…why would I turn his life upside down now?

  I look out my window, miserable. For Gracie. I need to swallow my guilt and my pride…and move heaven and hell to make sure they have a relationship.

  ****

  The next morning, we are about to go out the door when our phone rings. Dad and I both pause, and then I say, “It’s probably just the front desk wondering when we’re checking out.”

  “Probably,” he says.

  I answer it.

  “Sugar? That you?”

  “Ruby! Yes. Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, baby girl. Listen, ‘member that cousin I told you ‘bout that was friends with Sadie back in the day?”

  “Yeah, kinda…”

  “Well, you’re not ‘gon believe it, but she called me this mornin’ and she say she saw Isaiah in Tulma.”

  “No! Was she sure?”

  “She sho was. She say it is him and lord did she evah go on about his good manners…”

  “She talked to him?”

  “She sho did. And said he was the sweetest thing. She also itchin’ to introduce him to her granddaughter, but I told her she better leave him alone.”

  I laugh at her.

  “Girl, it is good to hear you laugh. Now you better get on over to Tulma. He ain’t in Memphis!”

  “Okay, Ruby. I’ll tell Dad and see what we need to do.”

  We hang up and I tell him everything.

  “I can’t go to Tulma, though. It just…I can’t,” I tell him.

  “I’ll drive over there…you stay here, have a day or two at the pool with Gracie. I’ll go find him. It will be much easier to find him in Tulma than here.”

  “Thank you, Dad. I appreciate you doing all this.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetie. It’s the least I can do.” He goes to his suitcase to take out a cooler shirt and stops halfway to the bathroom. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this. Can you call Ruby back and have her call her cousin back…to get Sadie’s number?”

  I whack my head with my palm. “Yes! I was not cut out for this!”

  My dad laughs at me.

  I call Ruby right away and within ten minutes, she calls me back.

  “Here ‘tis. Oh girl, I can’t believe you gon’ find him!” She sounds so excited.

  I hand the number to Dad and he calls Sadie. I bite my nails while he dials. My heart stops when he says, “Hello? This is Dan Carson. Is this Sadie Washington?”

  And it plummets all the way back to Bardstown when he says, “It is! Hello, Sadie, I’m so glad we found you!” He gives me a wide-eyed grin and continues talking to her. “He is? Well, I’ve been looking for him too. I’ve been out of town for a while. Mm-hmm, been visiting my daughter.” He laughs then and I get choked up.

  Sadie. I wonder if she still thinks of me with as much love as I think of her.

  “She’s doing really well, Sadie. Really well. Yes, ma’am, she is. I know it, makes me so happy too. She’s been in Kentucky. Yes. Mm-hmm. We sure did…I guess we didn’t go far enough into the country, she was there…so is…yes, I know it. Is Isaiah there, by any chance?”

  He looks at me and grins again.

  “I can’t believe it. Well, are you able to tell him to come on home? Oh, he will? I think we can stick around until then.” He laughs. “Yes! We sure are. She’s here with me.”

  He throws his head back and laughs again. I grin in spite of myself.

  “I’m not lying, she’s here with me.”

  He holds the phone out and I hear Sadie wailing and thanking the good Lord Jesus and God Almighty…Peter, James and John too.

  I put my head in my hands and weep.

  My dad puts his hand on my shoulder, and I sit down on the bed.

  When he speaks again, his voice trembles. “I sure am grateful too. Yes, ma’am, hang on, I’ll get one.” He pulls a pad of paper out of the motel desk. “Okay, shoot. Mm-hmm. Yes. Oh, is that by the new white brick bank there on the corner? I know right where that is. Okay, yes. Got it…what time would you like us?”

  “All right, we’ll be there.”

  He gets off and I stare at him expectantly. “When? Tomorrow night, the next day?”

  “Tonight at five.”

  There went my stomach dropping again.

  ****

  I’m ready by three and pace the motel floor, back and forth, back and forth. Gracie trails me the first twenty minutes, until I even wear her out.

  “I need another shower,” I mumble and head to the bathroom to at least freshen up with a washcloth, since I don’t want to do my hair all over again.

  I come back out and start pacing again. It’s been three years and four months since I’ve seen him. A lifetime ago. I’ve grown up and so has he.

  “Relax, Caroline. It’s gonna be okay.” My dad gets up and puts his hand on my elbow. “Really, it will.”

  “Weyax, Mama.” Gracie chimes in.

  “Oh, don’t you start piping up.” I reach over and tickle her.

  She yelps and laughs a belly laugh.

  As soon as I stop, she holds her hand up and says it again, “Weyax, Mama.” And then dies laughing when I tickle her again.

  We do it until she can’t breathe from laughing so hard, and I have to help her stand up. I barely hold my hand up now and she starts laughing like I’m tickling her.

  “You’re such a good mama, Caroline.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I’m still taken aback when my dad pays me a compliment.

  “You were always the grown-up in our little family of three,” he says. “The one who knew how to love the right way.”

  I sit down and look at him. “There were a few memories of you that held me over during the rough times.”

  “Really? Like what?” He leans forward, eager to hear what I have to say.

  That, in itself, is something I keep thinking is going to pass. He’ll surely look over my shoulder, see alcohol in the distance and go hunt it down. So far, this time, knock on wood…it hasn’t happened.

  “Clovis the Bunny…that was always a special thing, when you’d make up a Clovis story for me.”

  He smiles, pleased and maybe even a little embarrassed.

  “There were some birthdays that you made sure I was taken care of, and like I said, you stood up to Mama for me a few times.”

  I hold up my “C” necklace and he gets tears in his eyes.

  “I can’t believe you still wear that,” he says, choked up. “I wish I’d done better, Caroline. Every day I wish it. I was selfish and a child…and consumed…I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve already said you’re sorry. I’m not gonna make you say it forever. Once was enough if you’ll stick around this time.”

  I turn to him when I say that last part and hope that he sees I mean it.

  He does. He stands and comes over to me, pulling me into a hug.

  “I love you, Caroline. Thank you for this…”

  He backs away awkwardly and goes into the bathroom. I hear him blow his nose. When he comes back out, he avoids my eyes and his face is all red.

  I smile. Maybe he really has changed.

  He looks at the cloc
k. “We should probably get going!”

  “Are you sure?” I touch my chest. My heartbeat needs to slow to at least half the rate it’s pumping or I’ll be passin’ out before I even get to him.

  “Yeah, it’ll take us a little while to get over there. We’ll have a little traffic, going that way.”

  Gracie grabs Dolly and a scraggly blanket she insisted on bringing on this trip. I tried to talk her into a prettier one, but she would have none of it.

  Chapter 34

  Alive

  I try to think about everything but what is actually happening as we drive to Isaiah’s house. Just those words, Isaiah’s house, are enough to make me feel chewed up and spit out. Oh, Lord, I turn to praying, don’t let me lose my lunch on his shoes.

  We pull in front of Isaiah’s house fifteen minutes early, and Gracie is bouncing up and down between Dad and me.

  “Oh my goodness,” I put my hand up to my mouth, “I haven’t…”

  “What is it?” Dad looks at me, concerned.

  “I haven’t told Gracie who we’re seeing. I’ve been so wrapped up with how he’s gonna take it, I haven’t told her.”

  “Baby, it’s all gonna work out. Nellie used to say, ‘I just know it in my knower’…that’s how I feel right now.”

  I try to gulp a huge breath, but it doesn’t really work.

  “You’ve got time to tell her, if you want to…”

  “What if he doesn’t-?”

  “He will,” my dad says emphatically.

  “We’re gonna see your daddy, Gracie,” I say it before I can choke back the words.

  “My daddy?”

  “Your daddy.”

  “I wanna see my daddy!” She tries to crawl over me and get out the car door.

  “Okay, hold on, we’re going.”

  I hold onto Gracie and open the door.

  We’re starting to go up the driveway when the garage door opens and I hear the clank of the lid being put on a garbage can. As the door opens all the way, he turns around and it’s him.

  Isaiah sees us and sets down the can. The look on his face is pure shock. His mouth drops. He puts his fist to his mouth and I see his shoulders raise with his breath. He steps forward, narrowing his eyes to see if it’s really me. And then he looks ecstatic. He comes running out.