Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  “Thanks, y’all,” I tell them.

  “So when’s the big day?” his mom asks.

  “We’re going to have a small ceremony at Holy Name two weeks after Adrian’s return. That would put it somewhere around mid-April. We have to be flexible. You know how the military can be with dates.” They all nod.

  We say our final goodbyes. The girls offer to come over, but I insist that I’m fine. Adrian’s mom makes me promise to bring the boys over sometime. I’m thinking I’d rather her come over to my house because of Adrian’s father, but I don’t say anything about that just yet. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

  Farah hangs back from the others and says, “I’d like to tell you something real quick. I don’t think that Adrian would mind now.” I just nod. “Remember that night that I told you that he came clean to me in the club?” I nod again. “What he said…I’ll never forget, Celeste. I called him on it when he said he didn’t love you. I told him you were both fools, denying what you felt for each other. He finally broke down and said that the only thing that made him a fool where you were concerned was because you owned him. He said he didn’t even exist without you. That he was an empty vessel and that you filled him and owned him until he didn’t know where he ended and you began.”

  “Wow,” is all I can utter when she finishes. “I…now…that’s so beautiful that I just want him to come back so I can kiss him harder, longer,” I say forcing myself to laugh so that I don’t cry.

  She hugs me tight. “I didn’t want to make you sad. I just wanted you to know how much he loves you and has for a long time too.”

  Once the boys and I get home and take care of the chores that have to be squared away, we pile in the living room and watch comedy after comedy. Our laughs are slow to come at first. It feels awkward to laugh when our hearts are so heavy. After our third movie and some pizza that I had delivered because I had absolutely no energy to cook, my phone rings and we all jump for it.

  “You’re on speaker,” I say when the call goes through.

  “Well, hello, my little family. I miss you guys already. What are y’all doing?”

  “Hey, Papa!” Finn yells before I can tell him that he doesn’t have to yell. “We’re having a movie marathon.”

  “Ah, what’s playing tonight?”

  Paris pipes up and tattles on me. “Ma made us watch the Princess Bride first.”

  “Hey, y’all love the Princess Bride,” I say, affronted.

  “Yeah,” Adrian agrees, “y’all always laugh.”

  “But she always chooses that.” Paris insists. I laugh because it’s true.

  “Adrian,” Finn singsongs, “we’re gonna watch your favorite comedy next.”

  “Jaws?”

  Archer snorts with laughter. “No, the Goonies!”

  “All right, boys,” I cut in, “let me talk to Adrian real quick about what’s going on. I’m sure he doesn’t have long. Y’all go brush your teeth and then we’ll watch the Goonies before lights out.”

  “Bye, Papa!” Finn shouts again.

  Archer and Paris say their goodbyes.

  I take Adrian off speaker and go to my room. “Hi,” I whisper.

  “Hi,” he says back.

  “We miss you already.”

  “I miss y’all too. I can’t believe I’m missing movie night. I thought about all the things I’m going to be missing on the plane too. I’m going to miss all four of your birthdays and Christmas and every major holiday. That sucks.”

  “You’ll be home for Easter,” I offer.

  “True,” he says with a smile in his voice. “Look, I’ve got about two minutes. I have a question for you.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Did you find anything in your pocket?”

  I grin and pat myself down before feeling a little something in one of my back pockets. “I can’t believe you were feeling me up in front of everyone,” I say, thinking back to his wandering hands every time we would hug. He just laughs.

  I work the little piece of plastic out of my back pocket and hold it up in front of me. “Did you read it?”

  I swallow hard. Tears flood my eyes. I have to focus on breathing. “Celeste?”

  I whimper.

  “I mean it,” he whispers fiercely.

  Clearing my throat, I whisper back, “I know you do.”

  “Love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Hitting end on the call, I toss the phone on my bed, lock my bedroom door, and go to my bathroom. I sit down on the bench and stare at the guitar pick he’d used on me that morning, reading it over and over again. You hold my pick and my heart. Guard them.

  It doesn’t take long for the words to become a blur.

  Twenty

  Our Life in Letters

  THE NEXT SEVERAL months are spent thinking of every conceivable way to make sure Adrian knows exactly how much we miss him and we love him and how we treasure him. We send him care packages that he actually receives sometimes. I write to him every single day. I may mail them a few at a time, but every day I write him little notes even if some days I can only imagine a few lines. I stationed writing sets all over the house—on each of the boys’ nightstands, in the living room, on the bar in the kitchen, in the office—pretty much everywhere—so that we could write to him as soon as we thought about him or had the urge to tell him something. Then, on the bar, we put a little mailbox that we decorated with Marine insignia for the boys to slip their notes into for me to mail. I told them if there was ever anything they didn’t want me to read, all they had to do was put a little piece of tape over the fold and I would keep out. There was never any tape, and I was so glad because their letters never ceased to be a source of wonder and amusement for me.

  We don’t get to talk to Adrian much or email him very much because he’s stationed on the front lines, which I try not to consider very often.

  So our letters become our foundation of solace and happiness.

  ****

  Wife,

  I miss you. I love you. I can’t fathom how hard these next few months will be, so I take it one day at a time. I focus on the mundane, like trying to get the sand out of my weapons and scamming to get some ranch dressing for my MREs when we go to camp for a few days. I finally did get that one package with all the ranch, by the way. I was in heaven.

  Other than that, things pretty much suck ass. It’s like I told you on the porch that night but worse. Do you remember? I don’t want you to obsess over that. I just want you to know.

  Tell the boys I love their drawings. Tell Archer his music looks perfect with the exception of the bridge. If he uses his metronome, he won’t lose his beat. His song kicks ass. Has he played it for you yet? Does Paris realize that every picture he sends me of Skip looks the same? Turtles are not photogenic. Don’t tell him I said that, though! Tell him I love them. Ah yes, and my man, Finn—tell him I put the picture of him in his flight suit in my helmet. I love it! Is he really making you call him Maverick?

  Love you, babe,

  Your husband

  ****

  Husband,

  The boys and I had MREs for lunch yesterday as an experiment. Did you know you could buy them on base? I bought them when we went to pick up Archer’s & Paris’s gear. Archer decided on jungle camouflage BDUs, and Paris picked up desert cammies. Finn’s not coming off the flight suit. I have to wash and dry it while he sleeps. Anyway, I totally get your obsession with ranch now. MREs are disgusting. I don’t know how you do it other than you’d have no other choice but to starve. The boys and I each got down about half before we gave up. If I were stationed in Iraq, I would be skinny!

  Paris has earned another belt. But he told me he’s over it and wants to focus on piano and pick up bass. I’m good with that. Archer has perfected his song that he has lovingly entitled “My Left Foot” because it describes the discordant sounds he plays up in his music. I didn’t have the heart to tell him there’s a movie called that. I’m sure he’ll be thirty
by the time he discovers it. Finn is not great right now. He’s a little upset as I write this and is writing his own letter to you. I’ve tried to explain things to him, but you’ll probably put it in “guy-speak” and make it all better.

  I miss my blues,

  Your loving wife

  ****

  Captain,

  This jerk at school told me that you are gonna be mincemeat when he overheard me telling Cooper that you’re Force Recon and stationed in Iraq. I didn’t know what mincemeat was but he said it in a real jerk way. Know what I mean? So we were gonna meet out back after school. Only thing is, Archer found out and told me I can’t fight at school. I know what mincemeat is now. Is it really THAT dangerous there?

  Love,

  Finn aka Mav

  ****

  Mav,

  Force Recon is not easy work, but it’s very important work. It’s a lot like what Maverick and his buddies do. We go and make sure the area is safe and secure before the combat unit moves in. We are incredibly safe and have tons of protective gear. My protective gear weighs about 80 pounds. To put that in perspective—you weigh about 60. It’s like a chubby Finn-sized protective shield. Not too shabby, huh?

  The deal with the jerk is this—he probably heard someone else, like his parent, say some crap (Don’t tell your mom I said crap!) like that. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Remember—I’m smart, I’m fast, and I’m motivated. Can’t wait to be home with you guys.

  I love you,

  Captain Adrian Hebert, USMC aka Papa

  ****

  I love you,

  Finn

  ****

  Happy birthday Archer!

  I hope you’re enjoying being a teenager. We have a lot to talk about when I get home. I wish I could have been there, of course, but we’re going to make up for lost time. Did your mom give you the gift I sent for you? (Well, asked her to buy for me.) Do you like it? Your mom said you’ve been taking your music real serious. That was very cool that you posted some online for me to see. Me and the guys crowded around one tiny laptop last time we were at camp. They said you were real good. Told you I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Your cover of “Dream On” rocked, but when are you going to record “My Left Foot” for me? I’m dying here, dude.

  Love,

  Papa

  ****

  Papa,

  My song’s not ready yet. I’m still messing with the bridge. A friend of mine, Taylor, has been coming over and jammin’ with me. He’s good. He plays electric, though, so after a while, Mom started making us play in the basement. She said she couldn’t focus. She’s been working a lot more now.

  Everyone is jealous of my guitar strap too. No one else has a studded one with their name on it. It’s very cool. Thank you.

  Did you get your birthday package? We put extra ranch and beef jerky in it.

  Love,

  Archer

  ****

  Boys,

  My birthday package was awesome! Ranch, beef jerky, gum, wet wipes, Skin-So-Soft! You shouldn’t have. Kidding! It was perfect and practical and everything I needed. Favorite part—those stellar report cards and awards. Honor roll all the way around, a few students of the month, some perfect attendance. Why didn’t you have perfect attendance, Finn?

  Love you all so much,

  Papa

  ****

  I was throwing my guts up. Mom made me stay home. It was three days before the end of the term too!

  ****

  Dear husband,

  I don’t know what I did to deserve angels like you and Louis in my life, but I’m incredibly grateful for you both. Louis came over and we had a little too much wine while watching some old movies. He came clean and told me everything.

  I can’t believe that Tripp asked you to look out for the children and me. Why didn’t you ever tell me? I had no idea. It makes me wonder if he knew that deep down we were drawn to each other. And the fact that you were there to bring him some peace of mind in the end makes me so happy. I think you didn’t tell me because underneath that sometimes-arrogant exterior that I worship at you are such a modest man, and I love you so much for that. However, you can’t keep information that substantial from me in the future. Remember: we are in this together.

  I know you told me bits and pieces of what happened with you and the family, but I still can’t fathom why you would put yourself so firmly in their clutches for me. You knew they wanted you for a tool to use against your father, and you entered willingly into the belly of the beast. And for me?

  And the lengths Louis went to try to find me someone suitable—unbelievable. And you two—working together the way you did. I hate how it all unfolded, but I’m glad that Louis came to you when he saw my future was at stake. I asked him why that was since you two didn’t really know each other. His response: he knew that you loved me and would do anything for me. He thought you loved me like he loves me, though. I don’t know what I’d do without you two. I love y’all so much. I can’t see the words on this page anymore. I have to go for now.

  If I didn’t say it enough—I love you. So much.

  Tu me manques,

  Your wife

  ****

  Wife,

  Never thank me for caring for you. I’ll stop at nothing to protect you. Remember that.

  Tu me manques, ma belle femme,

  Your husband

  ****

  Hiya Pops!

  I know Archer and Finn like Papa. But I like Pops. I don’t know if Ma told you, but Skip has moved on from this world. We’re not sure what happened to him, but we gave him a proper ceremony and burial in the backyard. I want to get a hamster now, but Ma says no cause it’s really just a cuter version of a rat. Will you talk to her for me?

  Learning bass is awesome. Archer and I can play together more and his friend Taylor comes over with his electric. Ma is thrilled with our sessions. Not really! :P She does tolerate them, which is more than a lot of other moms would do.

  Love you, miss you,

  Paris

  ****

  Dear Adrian,

  I can’t believe you had my car outfitted with an iPod port. You really know the way to my heart, don’t you? The funny thing was when I told some of the other moms they looked at me like I was insane. One even said,”Is that what you wanted?” Umm…No, I didn’t even know it existed, but somehow, someway, my amazingly generous husband who is thousands of miles away and who knows me so well did! Thank you, baby.

  About the family, other than Louis, I really haven’t seen them. The boys and are I staying to ourselves. Bonnie helps me quite a bit as does Garner, believe it or not. He’s good with them too. I did meet your mother for coffee twice, though. She’s got some definite issues, but she does love you and she’s been really sweet to me.

  I’m sure you’ve heard that the Dog Tags cut a song on request of some affiliate of a major label. I went to listen. They don’t sound as good without you, in my opinion. However, they still sound really good. They’re just not great without you. I may, however, be slightly biased. They’re eager for you to get back.

  I love you, baby, and miss you so much.

  Celeste

  ****

  Celeste, my love, my wife, my life…

  I like it when you sign your letters wife. No, I don’t like it. I fucking love it and don’t stop.

  Is the replacement rhythm guitarist as good looking as me? I know you have a thing for them. You know, as you practically fucked me with your eyes that night right before you attacked me and took advantage of me.

  I’m happy you like your birthday present. I know how much you love your music. Did you get the iTunes card too? Did you discover some new artists to turn me on to?

  Your love, your husband, your life,

  Adrian

  ****

  Dearest husband,

  Shall I sign my letters Mrs. Adrian Hebert from now on? Would your claim on me be properly staked by that admission? Shall I tur
n my head while you piss in a circle around me? Wait, what century is this again? Kidding. I’ll sign my letters however you’d like. I miss you that much.

  What’s with all the profanity?

  And you know that no one is as HOT as you are.

  Your love, your wife, your life,

  Celeste

  ****

  Wife,

  Something about you calling yourself my wife turns me on. Speaking of, I thought you liked my dirty talk. If not, my sincerest apologies, madame.

  And I’m only hot because I’m in this damned desert.

  Your husband

  ****

  Husband,

  Talk dirty to me.

  Your wife

  ****

  It was after this little note that I started receiving these guitar picks with his naughty little messages.

  ****

  I own you

  You own me

  For maximum Pleasure: Use for purposes not intended

  Missappropriate this.

  Wants to hang out in my favorite spot.

  Does this make you wet?

  My Mimi

  ****

  When he got closer to coming home, they turned sweeter.

  ****

  I Love You

  You’re My Heart

  I Only Sing For You

  I’ve Waited For You

  Thank you for waiting for me

  EVERLONG

  Twenty-One

  This Moment

  FINALLY, THE LONGEST six months of my life have led to this moment. I’m almost giddy with relief and excitement as we make our way to the airport even though the boys are arguing over the silliest things like whose fault it was that the dogs were late in getting fed this morning and why Finn keeps repeatedly touching the backside of Archer’s CDs and leaving fingerprints on them.

  I look around and take in the beautiful spring day, trying to tune out their bickering. I know they are so excited to see Adrian and sometimes that excitement manifests itself in a strange way. I also like for them to try to resolve their conflicts before I step in, so I focus on the magenta azaleas and the Black-eyed Susans and the bright sunshine reflecting from the buildings.