The Wilderness

by C. J. Harper

  ‘We would have heard talking about it, wouldn’t we?’ says Kay. ‘And where are the baby-bellies?’

  She’s right. I haven’t seen a single pregnant girl in all the time that we’ve been here.

  ‘So where have they come from and what the hell are they planning to do with them?’ I have a nasty vision of Ven leading a tiny army into battle with the guards.

  One of the babies starts to whimper.

  Kay looks at it like it’s an unexploded bomb. ‘That is going to do big crying in a minute. Do something.’

  I don’t have a clue what you do with a crying baby. ‘Like what?’

  The baby stops whimpering and lets out a wail.

  ‘Let’s go,’ Kay says.

  But before we’ve gone two paces, a door at the back of the ward swings open and the boy with curly hair, Toren, comes out.

  Kay shoots me a horrified look.

  Toren scoops up the squalling baby and makes a shushing noise. He rocks him back and forth. ‘Can you keep it down?’ he says to us.

  I wait for him to shout at us to get out or to say that he’s going to tell Ven that we came into this secret place. But he doesn’t.

  ‘Er, okay,’ I whisper.

  ‘It’s just I’ve only just got him to stop screaming.’

  I manage a nod.

  ‘They always have a nap after their lunch. If you want to visit, it’s best if you come back at playtime.’

  I nod again. ‘So . . . you look after the babies do you?’

  ‘Mmm-hmm. I thought you knew that. I’m captain of C.C.’

  He sees my blank look.

  ‘Child Care?’

  I had noticed that Toren was a captain, but no one ever mentioned what of.

  ‘I thought Tanisha was saying C.C. is education,’ Kay says.

  ‘We’re sort of linked. We start teaching them early. But we play too.’ He smiles down at the baby, who has drifted back off to sleep.

  ‘That’s . . . great,’ I say. ‘Come on, Kay, we should go.’

  Back out in the corridor I struggle to keep my voice at a level that Toren won’t hear. ‘What the hell is Ven playing at? Those kids aren’t a secret! He was just messing with me.’ I gesture a hand at the door. ‘The door isn’t even locked! He just wanted to wind me up. Stupid jerk.’

  Kay tuts. ‘That Ven, he likes playing with you. He likes thinking that he is cleverer than you.’ She looks at me sternly. ‘And you . . .’

  ‘And I get drawn into the battle.’ I rub my face. ‘I know; I’ve got to stop giving him a reaction.’

  We go back to the stairs, heading towards the computer room, but my good mood has disappeared. Why does Ven have to keep playing mind games? And what the hell are they doing with all those little kids?

  Nard spots us from the landing above.

  ‘Hi Kay,’ he calls, deliberately ignoring me. ‘I’ve got something to talk to you about. Do you think you could come to the Aqua office later?’

  ‘Okay,’ Kay says, beaming at him like he’s a really great guy.

  Nard continues up the stairs without even glancing at me.

  ‘He is so rude,’ I say loud enough for him to hear.

  Kay rolls her eyes.

  ‘What? You know it’s not really your opinion that he’s interested in.’

  ‘Stop it. Stop this jealous.’

  ‘Jealous? I’m not jealous. Do you even know what that word means?’

  ‘Yes, I know it. Tanisha told me it. Do you know when she told it? When she was talking about you.’

  ‘I’m not really interested in your bitchy chats with the girls.’

  ‘Don’t do that!’ she snaps so fiercely that I flinch.

  ‘What? Don’t do what?’

  ‘Don’t do that girls-are-bitches thing. I hate it. I thought you weren’t a person that’s all saying girls are like this and boys are like that. If you don’t like me, don’t like me because of me, not because I’m a girl.’

  I feel ashamed of talking in stereotypes, but I’m too wound up to admit it. Things were going so well and now everything is annoying me.

  Kay storms off, but I’m too cross to follow her. It’s not my fault that she’s too naive to see Nard for the creep that he is.

  I slink down to the rec room, where I spot Paulo sat on a corner table surrounded by pieces of paper. Maybe he can give me some answers about the babies. He looks up as I approach.

  ‘Can I sit down?’ I ask.

  He piles up some papers to make a space. ‘Sure.’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Go ahead.’

  I open my mouth and close it again. I’m not really sure how to phrase the question.

  ‘Kay and I just saw the babies napping.’

  ‘Yeah?’ he smiles. ‘Did you see Nell? She’s my niece, my sister’s little girl.’

  ‘Er, I don’t think I met Nell. I don’t think I’ve met your sister either.’

  ‘She died.’

  ‘Oh. I’m sorry.’

  He shrugs. ‘She was twenty-one. That’s longer than most people get.’

  I struggle to adjust to the idea that twenty-one is a good innings.

  Paulo smiles. ‘I got on really well with her. She was brilliant; kept telling me what great things I was going to do.’ His smile fades and he looks down at his hands.

  I don’t know what to say. Have I made him sad by bringing up his sister? ‘Well, she was right, wasn’t she? Here you are, vice-captain of the whole show.’

  He nods vaguely.

  I should change the subject. ‘Do all the babies belong to people who, um . . .’ I nearly say ‘died’ but the word doesn’t quite come out.

  ‘A few of them. It’s been a while since there’s been anyone here who was in a position to want a child. After the war it was the adults who died of the Sickness first. We didn’t really understand what was going on till a doctor from the other side came to join us. He realised how the aftermath of the T-eight-three bombs was destroying our health. And it was pretty clear that older bodies are more quickly affected.’ He pauses to make sure I’m listening. I don’t know what this has to do with the babies, but I nod to encourage him to continue.

  ‘As the years went on, younger people started dying from the Sickness, and of course some Resistance members were lost in missions. Tanisha’s mum and her captains could see that if they allowed things to go on as they were the entire Resistance would be wiped out.’

  My mind swings to what a bleak and lonely experience that would have been for the last handful of survivors. Efwurd, imagine being the very last person left.

  ‘They knew that we needed to keep our numbers up. It seems reproductive organs suffer in the Wilderness too, plus most of us are too young for kids anyway. So, not many babies have been naturally conceived out here.’

  ‘So . . . where do the babies . . .?’

  ‘Babies?’ Ven has crept up behind me. ‘Are you asking about babies, Blake?’

  To my shame I feel myself blushing. ‘I—’

  ‘Are you asking about Resistance babies?’

  ‘I just wonder—’

  ‘Resistance babies who live upstairs? On the corridor I told you not to go to?’

  ‘Well, yes but—’

  ‘Let me just get this straight, you deliberately disobeyed me? Me, the captain of the Resistance. The group of people that you are hoping will accomplish what you’ll never manage on your own.’

  Annoyance prickles over me like a rash. ‘Shut up, Ven. No one else has said anything about the babies being a secret.’

  ‘They’re not,’ Ven says. He snaps off his pretence at being angry and gives me an amused sneer.

  ‘King hell, you’re infuriating. I just wanted to know where they came from.’

  ‘I’m sure Paulo is doing a good job of giving you a history lesson. He’s always happy to get involved after the event. Go on Paulo.’

  ‘The babies are the future of the Resistance,’ Paulo says.

  It
sounds like a slogan, but I can see from the way he says it that he believes it.

  ‘You know that life expectancy for us is nineteen years,’ Paulo continues, ‘which means we need new blood, all the time. Before a Resistance member dies they are expected to deliver someone to replace themself and, in order to increase our numbers, an additional person.’

  ‘What do you mean by “deliver”?’ I ask.

  Paulo’s eyes flick to Ven. ‘We bring them through the tunnel.’

  I stop still. ‘You steal babies?’

  ‘The younger the replacement, the longer they’ll live in these conditions,’ Paulo says.

  ‘You steal babies.’

  ‘Oh, Blake,’ Ven interrupts, ‘you seem fixated on the idea of theft. Is this your criminal background coming out again?’

  ‘Kidnapping isn’t something to joke about,’ I say.

  ‘No,’ he says and his smirk disappears. ‘You’re right, it’s not. A child’s future is a very serious thing. What if your tiny-hipped girlfriend ever managed to push out a baby? What would you want for your child? Would you want them shunted off to an Academy – where you assure us no one is having much fun – or would you want them out here? Free and fighting for others to be free—’

  ‘And soaking up the toxic atmosphere so they can die before they’ve really lived,’ I finish.

  Ven pulls his lips tight. ‘Sacrifices have to be made.’

  ‘Where exactly do these babies come from?’

  ‘I’m sure you’re indulging your hysterical side and imagining us plucking them away from the loving bosom of their families, but actually they’re all the children of Academy Specials. They would have been shoved in a state nursery anyway.’

  ‘So that makes it all right for you to play God, does it?’ Paulo goes on about how they’ve got a doctor working for them, helping them get babies out of the maternity homes, and something about the terrible conditions in the state nurseries, but I’m hardly listening. Ven makes me so angry, I want to smash something. I want to kick his stupid head, but there’s no point in even letting him know he upsets me. I press my tongue hard against the back of my teeth and clench my fists under the table.

  The silence stretches taut.

  ‘So . . .’ falters Paulo, ‘I heard that you’re really something with a rifle, Blake.’

  I suck in air through my nose and relax my hands.

  ‘That’s right,’ I say turning to Ven. ‘I hit every target.’

  ‘That’s nice,’ he says.

  I’m waiting for him to say something about the assassination team, but he doesn’t.

  ‘I took out every single dummy, ask anyone.’ To my annoyance, I sound like a sulky child.

  ‘I don’t need to ask, I already know. Just like I know that you’ve got no experience of gunfights or assassinations. And that you’ve never had any stealth training and that your physical fitness is atrocious.’

  ‘But . . . surely . . . I mean, doesn’t it count for anything that I’m a brilliant shot?’

  ‘Like I said, it’s nice.’ He turns back to Paulo and I know that’s his final word.

  That night I’m back in the rec room, with my head in my hands and wondering how the hell I’m going to get close to The Leader, when Kay walks in. I stiffen and resolve not to look at her, but my eyes betray me by flicking sideways. She meets my gaze. I can’t help it, my lips twitch. She laughs and shakes her head at the same time. ‘Don’t be mad at me,’ she says sitting down.

  ‘I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at that sleaze Nard.’

  She touches my arm. ‘Don’t be all cross if I’m not being rude to the people you’re rude to.’

  I make a decision to stop telling Kay what an idiot Nard is. It’s not up to me who she is friends with. ‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Let’s not fight.’

  Then she kisses me and I remember how happy I am that it’s me she wants to be with.

  There aren’t many people in the recreation room. Ven has still got a lot of teams working on his plans and those who aren’t working are so tired that they’ve gone to bed. I sit on a sofa with Kay and relate what Paulo and Ven said about the babies. Her mouth drops open when I describe how they steal them away from the other side, but when I’ve finished she doesn’t explode with outrage as I expected.

  ‘Don’t you think that’s terribly wrong?’ I ask.

  She rubs her eyebrow. ‘I don’t know if we should be saying it’s right or wrong.’

  ‘And what would happen if no one said that the Leadership is wrong? What if I’d never said that Academies were wrong? It might not be easy to decide if something is wrong, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t bother.’

  ‘Okay, okay. I’m just thinking if someone had stealed me away when I was a baby and I had lived here and not in the Academy. If I could have had the choice, I think I would have choosed to come here.’

  ‘You might have, but you can’t make that decision for other children. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? People should be able to choose for themselves.’

  ‘But it’s not like that. And if you can’t choose for yourself, then you want someone to do a good choice for you.’

  I’m unreasonably irritated by Kay saying this. I have to stand up and go and look at a stack of books on one of the many shelves. The soft glow of the solar lamp doesn’t reach this far into the darkness and I can’t make out the titles. I don’t want Kay to see how cross I am because I know what she’s saying makes sense, but it still makes me angry. I know that we don’t live in a perfect world. Far from it. I know that if I want it to change then I’ve got to work with the Resistance, but part of me feels like a little kid. I want to throw myself down and hammer my fists on the ground and ask why is it so unfair? I don’t want it to be.

  I take a few deep breaths.

  ‘I’m thinking,’ Kay says to my back, ‘about what Ven said, that before Resistance people die they have to get the babies.’

  ‘What about it?’ I tug at the bottom book in the pile.

  ‘How do they know? How do they know when they’re going to die?’

  I remember what Paulo said about their short lives being purposeful, and before the books come crashing down I know the answer to that question.

  They know when they’re going to die because they kill themselves.

  ‘Why? Why would anyone kill themselves?’ I ask.

  We’re in Ven’s office. Kay marched straight here to ask him to deny my suspicions, but instead he calmly tells us that it’s true.

  ‘We don’t all kill ourselves. Some of us die on missions.’

  ‘But a lot of you do,’ I say. ‘Why?’

  ‘Plenty of reasons for someone to kill themself,’ Ven says. ‘They might be you, for starters. Or they could be in crippling pain. Or they might have realised that man is essentially alone in an uncaring universe. But if you want to know why Resistance members kill themselves, it’s pretty simple. Dying of the Sickness is slow. Slow and messy. You need a lot of care. We don’t have time to nurse the sick; we’re trying to start a revolution.’

  I suck my breath in. It seems so callous. ‘So they kill themselves to avoid being a burden?’

  ‘Yes.’ Ven goes back to his papers.

  ‘That’s taking self-sacrifice a bit far, isn’t it?’ I say.

  ‘Those who aren’t cut out to be noble,’ he turns to give me a significant look, ‘can always choose to do it to avoid that crippling pain I mentioned.’

  There’s no point in discussing it any further with Ven, so we leave him and go up to bed.

  ‘I just don’t understand him,’ I say to Kay. ‘It’s like he deliberately sets out to shock us.’

  Kay nods.

  ‘Anyone would think he didn’t want us to like him.’

  ‘He doesn’t,’ she says.

  ‘And he really doesn’t like me.’

  I tell Kay about the assassination team. Her face clouds over when I tell her that Ven said no. That’s one of the things I love about K
ay, she knows me and she understands what things mean to me. It looks like I’m back to stealing one of the tickets to the celebrations in the square, so that I can get within range of The Leader while he’s making his speech. It’s not going to be easy.

  ‘What kind of guns are they going to give out to everyone on the Big Day?’ I ask Kay.

  She looks over her shoulder and lowers her voice. ‘I heard that maybe there isn’t guns for everyone.’

  That’s not good news. ‘So what are my chances of getting hold of a rifle?’

  ‘Those ones are for the top Defence people.’

  I was afraid she’d say that. ‘What am I going to do?’

  ‘You’ll think of something.’

  Kay doesn’t seem to want to discuss it any more, so I wait till we’re in bed to think it through.

  I lie awake most of the night. I keep perfectly still while my mind scrambles for a solution. By morning I’ve come up with a plan. With The Leader’s personal security team I won’t be able to get really up close to him, which means my weapon of choice has got to be a rifle – and if I want a rifle I’m going to have to get it from Nard. He’s the one who ‘acquires’ things around here.

  My breakfast sticks in my throat while I try to bring myself to a point where I am prepared to ask Nard for help.

  I manage to get Nard alone after breakfast. When he hears what I want, he laughs. ‘I’ve got strict orders from Ven to hand over all weapons to him. You know how Ven loves to give out orders.’

  ‘I’m sure that someone as resourceful as you could get me a rifle, couldn’t you? If you wanted to?’

  ‘Why would I want to?’

  ‘I can pay.’

  ‘What’s it for? Are you going to shoot anyone Kay gets friendly with?’

  I bite my tongue. ‘I want it to kill The Leader.’

  Nard hoots with laughter. ‘If you want to do that, maybe you should get on Ven’s little squad.’

  ‘I wanted to. He won’t let me.’

  Nard laughs again. ‘And you think you’ll be more successful striking out alone?’

  ‘I’ve got to try.’