The Wilderness

by C. J. Harper

  ‘You know what you’ve got to do,’ he says. ‘And I’m sure no one wants to end up in the hands of the guards because they couldn’t remember the plan, do they, Paulo?’

  ‘Just get on with it, Ven,’ Paulo says. He sounds exhausted too.

  ‘Departures will be staggered between now and tomorrow. Each team has a prime target. You know what yours is. At twelve, The Leader will make his speech, but instead of that parcel of lies, our man will be playing our footage of what is really going on. At the very moment it finishes we set off a chain of explosions which will help let everybody know that we really do mean business and that now is the time to join us. You’ll all be issued with weapons. Aim for Leadership officials and guards.’ He pauses for breath.

  His clothes seem loose on him. It looks like he’s been skipping meals as well as sleep.

  A dozen or so hands go up.

  ‘If you have questions, I suggest you save them for afterwards.’ He turns away and mutters, ‘By which time I’ll probably be too dead to be bothered by them.’

  Paulo watches him leave the cafeteria and looks up at the ceiling. He seems to have realised that that speech was not what this bunch of frightened kids needed to hear.

  Paulo waves his arms. ‘We can do it,’ he says without conviction. ‘If we stick together and fight hard, we can do it.’ But his feeble voice is lost in the nervous chattering of the Resistance.

  Someone has got to say something.

  I find myself climbing on to my own table. I put my fingers in my mouth and whistle. The noise stops and people turn around to stare up at me.

  I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

  ‘Tomorrow,’ I say, ‘will be difficult. There will be bloodshed. We all know that our lives will be in danger.’

  Frowning faces look up at me. Most of them don’t even know who I am.

  ‘But I won’t be thinking about that tonight,’ I say. ‘Tonight, I am going to remember my mother and my best friend. Those people are the reason I want to free this country. They both died because of The Leader’s actions.’ The cafeteria has fallen silent. Everyone in the room is staring at me. I swallow. ‘I know that you have lost people, too, and we all have so many reasons to want things to change. I am going to think about how much I loved my mother and Wilson, and you should think of your lost family and friends, because then we will remember why we’re prepared to face the guards’ guns tomorrow, and why we will keep fighting until nobody has to lose someone they love to the Leadership because we’ll all be free.’

  There’s a storm of clapping and cheering. I’m shaking. But this is what they need to hear. Not Ven’s tough attitude or Paulo’s terror. They need to remember what we’re doing this for. We all do.

  A group of kids come over to tell me it was a good speech, and around me I can hear people talking about their parents and others discussing how life will change for the better after tomorrow.

  When things settle down I take my seat again and try to enjoy what may be my last decent meal ever, but Robin plonks herself down next to me and starts babbling in my ear.

  ‘I hate Ven.’ She scowls. She doesn’t even bother to keep her voice down when she says it now. ‘He says all these things about doing stuff for the Resistance, but he never does anything for us. He won’t even listen to what we want.’

  I close my eyes and picture my mother. I want to keep her memory with me tomorrow.

  ‘Not even if you ask nicely—’

  I think about the last time that I saw Wilson as he really was. He was joking about on the metro.

  ‘You’d think if a Wilderness boy needed medicine for his sister that Ven would let them have it. He says no to everything.’

  A girl on the other side of Robin says something about how sick kids should go to the Medical captain, but I’m hardly listening. I’m remembering how Wilson was after we were attacked. I’ve got to take this feeling and use it.

  ‘He just always says no,’ Robin moans. ‘I don’t think we should let him be in charge.’

  Her whining is breaking my concentration.

  ‘I should tell him,’ she says, slapping a hand on the table. ‘I should say “No, Ven, I don’t want to do a stupid rebellion,” and I could tell him that Jed says—’

  ‘Go on then!’ I snap. ‘Say no. Stay here. Just shut the hell up.’

  Everyone at the table is staring at me. I’m almost as surprised as they are by my outburst.

  Robin glares at me, open-mouthed. She doesn’t reply because I’ve called her bluff. We all know that she can’t bear to be left out of anything. She’s got no intention of telling Ven that she won’t be coming. She pouts and stalks off with her bear to join a different table. Halfway across the room, she turns around and gives me such a menacing look that even though she is only eight years old, I rather wish I hadn’t shouted at her.

  I push my half-full plate away. Even with Robin gone I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps coming back to Kay. She might think I’m a selfish judgemental loser obsessed with my father, but I can’t leave things as they are. For once in my life I have to tell someone how much they mean to me before I lose the chance. I told everyone else to remember the reason why we’re doing this. Kay is just as much my reason as my mother and Wilson. I’ve been so pig-headed.

  Kay isn’t in the cafeteria, or the rec room or Tanisha’s office. I scour the hospital and finally inspiration comes and I try the roof. She’s there looking out over the district.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I call.

  She turns around.

  ‘I’m sorry that I’m an idiot and that I don’t give people a chance,’ I say, walking towards her. ‘And I’m sorry that I’m so wrapped up in what I want and how to get it. And you’re right that I’m selfish. And you’re right that I’ve just been thinking about paying my father back.’ I’m standing in front of her now. ‘Kay, I love you so efwurding much and I can’t bear for tomorrow to happen without me telling you.’

  She looks at me and there’s something shining out of her eyes that fills me with light.

  ‘I love you too, you idiot.’

  She reaches out and pulls me to her. Her lips are soft, but then she presses her mouth against mine and soon we’re kissing so hard that it almost hurts. She puts her hands in my hair and pulls me to her – because she wants me. I’m so happy that she wants me.

  When we finally stop, I’m out of breath. There’s a bubble of joy inside me that makes me feel so light I could float away.

  ‘Kay, do you really not want me to go tomorrow?’ I ask.

  ‘No. You have to do it. We both have to do it. It’s the right thing. I just . . . When I wanted to be Dom I said I wanted to help the little kids, and I did want to, but the thing I wanted was for me. I wanted to be top.’

  I see where she’s going with this.

  ‘It’s not wrong to want things for yourself, Blake, but you have to know what they are and you have to think about if it’s going to be good for you to get them. Or all that wanting can make you crazy. You have to know yourself, Blake. And you have to tell it true to me. I’ve had the lying all my life. I don’t want lies from you.’

  I hold her gaze and nod my head. She’s right. I want to be the best I can be for her. And I’m going to be.

  ‘I want to kill my father,’ I say. ‘I want to hurt him because he hurt my mother and because he was no efwurding good as a father.’ I take a deep breath. My lungs hurt. ‘And I want to kill The Leader because I want to stop him from destroying any more children’s lives.’

  We stare at each other for a moment. Kay nods slowly. She reaches out for me.

  ‘You’re cold,’ she says and wraps her arms around me.

  I close my eyes. I want to catch and keep this moment of being here, of being honest and being accepted. I want to remember what it’s like to feel safe in Kay’s arms because I don’t know if I’ll ever have a moment like it again.

  In the end I draw back because there are more things I need to tell her.
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  ‘You’re on Nard’s team, aren’t you?’ I say.

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘No, I’m not going to get jealous. Nard’s team are going to be monitoring the guards’ communications, aren’t they?’

  Kay looks at me.

  ‘And you’ll be just outside the central square, won’t you?’

  ‘We’re not supposed to talk about it,’ Kay says.

  ‘But I already know, don’t I? And you know that I’m going to be nearby, don’t you? For the assassination.’

  She nods.

  ‘I’m going to be in the Atterling building. It’s the second tallest building in the square. If something goes wrong . . .’

  ‘Blake, it will be okay.’

  ‘But . . . just remember that I’m in the Atterling building if you need to come.’

  ‘Okay.’ She touches my face. ‘Let’s not talk that. Let’s talk about you and me.’

  The way she says ‘you and me’ sparks a glow in me that radiates out to my fingers and toes.

  For a while we don’t do any talking at all. When we stop kissing, Kay asks, ‘Are you afraid?’

  I am afraid, but not in the way Kay means. I haven’t allowed myself to think about how dangerous tomorrow will be. What I’m afraid of is that I might fail. After everything that has happened, I’ve been holding myself together with the thought that it will be all right if I can succeed in killing The Leader. I just hope that I can do it.

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘You know me – I love all that violence stuff.’

  Kay laughs.

  We stand there till late, looking into the dark night. What’s going to happen tomorrow? Are the Resistance going to change everything? Or are we going to be slaughtered?

  ‘Are you really sure you want to do this?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes. I don’t want to be living like that. I don’t want to be living in an Academy and I don’t want to be living underground or in this hospital. If you want a thing to be a different thing you have to change it. You taught me that.’

  It amazes me that I could have taught anything to someone as smart as Kay.

  ‘I can’t tell you how many things you’ve taught me,’ I say.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like how to be a better person and what it feels like to love someone.’

  And then we kiss until I feel like my edges have blurred and melted into the darkness.

  I wake up very early and go to the window that has a hole in its board, so I can look out at the bright blue sky.

  I remember this time last year. The Leader’s birthday is a public holiday. I used to look forward to it at the Learning Community because we’d get the day off from studying. It was one of the few days that we’d be taken out. Last year we went on a picnic. I sat with Wilson and he drank so much lemonade that he couldn’t stop burping. It feels like something I read about now. I can’t ever get back to that time.

  Kay rolls over and looks around for me. She pushes back the blankets and pads across the ward to wrap an arm around me.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ she whispers.

  I tune out of my memories. ‘Did you celebrate The Leader’s birthday in the Academy?’ I ask.

  ‘What’s celebrate?’

  ‘Like marking a special day, remembering it by having a good time.’ The further I get into that sentence the less likely it seems that there were any celebrations at the Academy.

  ‘The Leader’s birthday was a more food day.’ She thinks harder. ‘And maybe on this day Enforcer Tong is not big mean.’

  I laugh. I guess in an Academy that would pass as a good time.

  Kay puts a hand on my cheek. ‘Be good,’ she says. ‘Be good at fighting and running and don’t be killed.’

  I press my face into her hair.

  ‘I won’t die if you don’t,’ I say.

  And I hold her so tightly that my fingers ache.

  The teams are scheduled to leave at different times. Some left yesterday and others through the night. We have to time things carefully to avoid guard patrols along the fence. Also, there are a limited number of tunnels from this side of the fence to the other and we don’t want an obvious stream of people appearing. Kay leaves before me. I keep my eyes on her until she’s disappeared from sight. I refuse to look at Nard’s smirking face.

  The assassination team are one of the last to leave. As we drive away from the hospital, I wonder if we’ll come back in one piece. Do the Leadership have any idea of the chaos we’re going to unleash today? Did I leave any trails on their computer system? Have they found any of the guns we’ve planted? What if those spies they were supposed to have sent have been watching the hospital the whole time? There’s so much that could go wrong.

  Ven drives us to the border in his favourite car. We go to the appliances store with the same tunnel that we used to go and see Janna. Janna. Another life The Leader has claimed.

  I’m so full of adrenaline that while I feel hyper aware of everything around me, I’m also strangely calm. I walk right through the tunnel without imagining it collapsing once. What we’ve got to do today is so big that everything else seems to fade into insignificance.

  On the other side a car has been left for us. Ven already has the keys. The windows are tinted dark so that you can’t see inside. I think Ven’s hoping that people will assume that it belongs to someone important and leave us alone. I sit in the front with Ven. He looks terrible. All the stress of planning really seems to have got to him.

  We set off towards the central district where The Leader will be appearing in the main square. I know I should be channelling my anger and picturing a positive outcome and all that kind of mental management stuff that they taught us in our Future Leaders sessions, but I feel like there’s something I’ve forgotten. I clear my throat.

  Ven takes his eyes off the road to look at me. ‘What’s the matter with you?’ he asks. ‘I’d say that you look even more dim-witted than usual, but let’s face it, you’ve already set the baseline pretty low. You’ve got to focus, Blake.’

  I shake my head to clear it. There’s something nagging at the back of my mind. I keep trying to reach it, but the more I pursue it the further away I push it.

  Kurt and Tanisha are talking in low voices in the back of the car.

  ‘Why are you two whispering?’ Ven snaps. ‘Anyone would think that I was some inapproachable monster. If you’ve got something to say, say it out loud. Only, do remember that stupid remarks trigger an uncontrollable flow of sarcasm from me.’

  ‘Yeah, we know,’ Tanisha says. ‘We’re just talking about the kids. Kurt’s worried about the little ones.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that lot,’ Ven says. ‘They’re tough. One of them kicked me in the shins before we came out.’

  I bet I know who that was. I wonder if Robin treated Ven to one of her rants about how he always says no and how her friend, Jed—

  Oh no. Oh no, no, no.

  The weight of what I’ve just realised is so enormous that my brain fails to come up with an effective way of communicating it. Attempted words clog my throat. But I have to tell Ven, and fast.

  Ven turns to say something to me and does a double-take. I must look horrified. ‘What?’ he demands.

  ‘Robin,’ I say. ‘How much does Robin know of the plans?’

  ‘What’s Robin got to do with anything?’ Tanisha says.

  ‘Who’s Robin?’ Ven asks.

  ‘The kid that kicked you. The difficult one. The one that always wants something, attention mostly.’

  ‘Well, you know that all plans were supposed to be on a need-to-know basis, but she’s a nosy kid. Blake, you’ve turned an even less attractive shade of pale than usual. What is it?’

  ‘Last night, at dinner, she said a Wilderness kid wanted medicine for his sister. She must have meant that boy that she’s been seeing, she must have.’

  ‘She’s been seeing a boy?’

  ‘Playing with a boy. I thought that he was a little kid. A Wilder
ness boy, but yesterday she talked about him having a sister. She must have meant Jed. He’s all she ever talks about. She never said he had a sister before.’

  ‘What does it matter if some kid’s got a sister?’ Kurt asks.

  ‘Because it means there were two of them. Two strangers. A boy and a girl. Wanting Robin to take them to the hospital.’

  Ven brakes hard. ‘Are you serious?’

  I nod. ‘A boy and a girl, just like your insider told us the Leadership were sending.’

  ‘What boy and girl?’ Kurt asks.

  ‘When I first arrived at the hospital, don’t you remember how Ven tried to have me shot because he thought Kay and I were spies from the Leadership? You said your guy had told you the Leadership were going to send a boy and a girl pretending to be from an Academy, didn’t you?’

  Ven nods.

  ‘But it might not be them,’ Tanisha says.

  I try to fight down the fear that’s battering about in my chest and be sensible.

  ‘Okay. How long has Robin known this boy?’ I ask.

  ‘I know you believe me to be omnipotent and omnipresent, Blake,’ Ven says, ‘but I haven’t got an efwurding clue.’ He pulls over into a space in front of some houses. ‘You know who stores up boring details about boring people? Paulo.’ He pulls out a communicator and stabs at the buttons.

  ‘About Robin,’ he says without salutation when Paulo picks up. ‘Her Wilderness friend—’ He looks at me questioningly.

  ‘Jed,’ I say.

  ‘Jed. How long has she known him?’

  There’s a pause. I can just imagine Paulo’s creeping fear that he’s about to get into trouble for letting Robin out to play.

  ‘Think hard. How long has she known him?’

  ‘Not long,’ Paulo says on the other end of the communicator. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Did she meet him before or after you got the tip off about Leadership spies?’ I say loud enough for him hear.

  There’s an awful pause

  ‘It was right around the time we got that information.’