The Face of It

by Rosie Williams

‘Yeah, it was,’ Dylan said with a slight sense of surprise in his voice. Taylor started driving them home through the criss-crossing streets.

  ‘I really appreciate you driving me -’ Dylan started

  ‘It’s not a problem,’ Taylor said, checking it was safe to pull out of a junction.

  ‘- but I’ll find my own way from now on,’ he finished in a stubborn tone. ‘I meant what I said. You need to have a life that doesn't revolve around me.’

  ‘But I honestly don’t mind!’

  ‘I know you don’t, but as I said, you should. Keep going climbing, go hook up with your hot secret agent...’

  Taylor took one hand off the steering wheel and shoved him lightly in the arm.

  ‘Hey!’ he said in mock offence, rubbing his arm. ‘No fair! I can’t hit you back when you’re driving!’

  ‘Yup!’ Taylor said with a grin.

  They drove home mostly in silence, Taylor letting Dylan control any conversation; it sounded like the group had been quite intense. She wasn’t surprised that, once home, he went straight upstairs to his room. Taylor wasn’t far behind him; the earlier hit of caffeine having already worn off. Once she’d climbed. the stairs she paused outside his bedroom door, the knot in her stomach threatening to tighten once again. She was glad Dylan’s group had gone well, but this was only day two of being sober and she worried about the toll recovery was going to take on him. He was already beating himself up so much for slipping up in the first place, leaving him more vulnerable than she’d seen him in a long time.

  Taylor sighed, went to her room, and began to get ready for bed. It would be difficult, but she was determined to be there for him every step of the way.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Reaction and Action

  PAIGE

  Paige had been a little disappointed when Taylor had asked if they could postpone their lunch date for a week. Like the happy balloon that had been inflating inside her had got a puncture. She had kept herself busy with work, having sporadic text conversations with Taylor as the days went on. But it was finally date day, and Paige was at her desk, unable to keep her dancing feet still. There was a large wall of text on the screen with lots of floating red comment boxes, strike-throughs, and replacement text. It was the first draft of the first few chapters of her novel, which she had sent to Maya for her opinion; Maya hadn’t held back. The overarching feedback she had given was to focus less on facts and dates and more on the person and dramatising the story. Paige had felt a little disheartened when she had opened the file and seen all that red.

  Rain started spattering the window, gently tapping the glass. Paige closed the text document and instead opened her emails, thinking she could use the time before the date to sort through her inbox and reply to anything urgent. She opened a random email and started trying to read it, but her mind wandered, and she ended up re-reading the same sentence again and again, until she gave up and closed that window, too. Eventually she gave up trying to work, gathered her things, and decided to walk to the cafe where she was meeting Taylor. A slight detour would eat up the time between now and the date, and it would take her along her favourite part of the river. Before leaving her office, she wrapped up in a woollen hat and scarf, and put on a matching pair of gloves. She did her coat up so high that only her eyes were really visible, the zip finishing just under her nose, and made her way downstairs.

  Across the foyer, ascending the stairs from the basement, she spotted Dylan and gave him a brief wave. He nodded his head in acknowledgement and adjusted the bag on his shoulder. Paige thought he looked a little thinner than last time she saw him, and like his skin hadn’t seen the sun in a while. No sooner had she decided to go and check in on him, though, than he had disappeared into the throng of students making their way to the cafe, their next class, or home. Paige sighed. She hadn’t seen him at climbing in a while. She made a mental note to ask Taylor if he was OK.

  The path along the river had a dusting of frost on it, with the odd patch of ice that hadn’t been touched by the sun yet. Paige kept her eyes peeled for any of her usual wildlife companions but even the ducks seemed to be avoiding her, and she couldn’t hear the usual chorus of birds in the trees. She wrapped her arms around herself tightly. Without the distraction of nature, her mind wandered back to her work, back to the meeting she was having in a few days. Her autistic masters student had booked a tutorial for the end of the week. He was progressing well with his studies but struggling to settle; he had moved from the other side of the country to be here, away from his support networks and familiar environment. It had obviously had a jarring affect on him.

  Images of her niece and nephew sprang into her mind. Their smiling faces as they roasted marshmallows on the fire in her living room, Cayden’s bug book becoming increasingly tattered and dog-eared every time she saw them. Susie’s brunette fringe getting in her eyes and Brandon saying she was still refusing to get a haircut.

  A crow let out a loud squawk from above her head, jolting her out of her thoughts, and making her realise she had missed the path that would take her towards the cafe, requiring her to double back on herself. The ground made small crunching noises with every step she took on the sheltered path. The bare bushes lining it were interlaced with a few evergreen trees and shrubs, breaking up the monotony of the brown. The water pelted down the river with a roar, the recent rains had almost made it flood a few days ago. There was even a felled tree wedged behind some rocks off to one side, its branches tickling the water as it slowly receded.

  Paige finally made it to the correct path and forced her way through the slightly overgrown bushes on either side. She called it a path, but it was really a muddy track worn into the ground by countless people clambering through it to get to the pavement on the other side. One of the branches caught her scarf, a twig jabbing through one of the loosely knitted holes and trying to rip it from her neck.

  ‘Damn it,’ Paige said, seeing the now wider hole in her new scarf, and trying to smooth it out with her fingers. She managed to fix it a little, but that part of the scarf still looked uneven and misshapen. She sighed as she carried on walking, the small smile on her face returning as she edged closer to the cafe.

  Even from outside the cafe looked warm and cosy. The yellow wall lights perfectly balanced the mismatched chandeliers in this eccentric establishment. The bottom halves of the walls were covered in dark wood panelling and the table and chair sets had been stained to match. Once inside Paige could hear the radio playing quietly in the background, harmonising with the murmurs of the other guests. At one end of the counter there was a glass display cabinet housing a variety of indulgent-looking cakes, from strawberry cheesecake to rich chocolate fudge cakes; Paige’s mouth began to water. She weaved through the tables to a more secluded one in the back right-hand corner of the cafe, where the lighting was slightly dimmer and where it was less likely that people would be walking past. Shedding her hat, scarf, gloves, and coat and piling them onto one of the chairs, she rolled up her sleeves and joined the queue at the counter. Paige didn’t want to occupy an empty table without at least purchasing a drink while she waited for Taylor. The queue slowly crawled forward, and by the time Paige got to the front she still hadn’t decided on what to order.

  ‘What herbal tea would you recommend?’ she said to the woman behind the counter, while still staring at the menu above her head.

  ‘I’m quite fond of the liquorice one, if you wanted to try that?’

  ‘Sure, thank you.’ Paige got her wallet out and rummaged through it for any loose change she could get rid of, handed over the money, and took her tea back to her table. The steam rose off it rapidly. Paige tried to occupy herself with her phone, or by looking around the cafe, or fiddling with the napkin they had given her with her tea, but she couldn’t help looking at the door every few seconds just in case. Her arms involuntarily wrapped around her midriff, and she subconsciously hugged herself, smiling.

  The door opened again and this time when Pai
ge looked up, Taylor was there in the doorway, wrapped up in so many layers she looked like she’d worn her entire wardrobe.

  ‘Hi, sorry I’m late!’ she said, slowly peeling off some of the layers. Her face was red with the cold and she was shivering slightly.

  ‘You’re not late, I was early,’ Paige said, finally taking a sip of her drink. She had to fight the impulse to spit it out, it was vile. Instead, she grimaced and swallowed before setting it down beside her, vowing to never touch anything liquorice-flavoured every again.

  ‘What would you like to eat?’ Taylor asked, getting her purse out.

  ‘A jacket potato would be great, with cheese and beans, please,’ she said, also digging her wallet out.

  ‘No, no,’ Taylor said, waving her away. ‘You paid for dinner the other week, I can certainly pay for this. Another tea?’

  ‘Yes, please. The regular kind, not... this,’ she said, crinkling her nose up at the offending drink.

  ‘Gotcha,’ Taylor said, laughing, and taking the liquorice tea back to the counter.

  Paige watched her go, her low-cut jeans accentuating her curves and her T-shirt swaying slightly with her movements. While queuing, Taylor kept glancing back at Paige and smiling. Paige remembered what she had said about staring and tried to make sure she looked away. Taylor quickly placed their order and carried two mugs back to the table, the smell of tea and coffee intertwining in the air between them.

  ‘She said it’ll be about five minutes,’ Taylor said as she sat down.

  ‘Great’ Paige said, smiling. ‘So how are you?’ she said, leaning forward slightly.

  ‘Umm... I’m fine’ Taylor replied, picking up a napkin and starting to tear it into tiny pieces. ‘You?’

  ‘OK, busy with work and stuff. I saw Dylan earlier,’ Paige continued, and as soon as she mentioned his name Taylor visibly tensed up. ‘Is he OK? He looked quite thin and pale.’

  ‘Yes, he’s fine,’ Taylor said, dark clouds moving behind her eyes.

  ‘So you’re both fine?’ Paige said, mistrustful.

  ‘Just had a hard couple of weeks, that’s all. But I don't want to talk about it. Tell me about your week, what’s been happening? What have you got coming up?’

  ‘Um... well...’ Paige stuttered, trying to adjust to the sudden change in topic, ‘work has been busy as usual, and I’ve got a meeting with one of my masters students on Friday. He’s not settling in so well here.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘He’s autistic and I think he is struggling to cope with the change.’

  ‘That makes sense.’

  ‘I think I might be autistic,’ Paige blurted out before quickly taking a sip of her drink.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I mean, it’s been suggested, and I think people have a point.’

  ‘You don’t look autistic,’ Taylor said with a sudden twang of bitterness in her voice.

  ‘Autistic people... don’t have a look?’ Paige said, confused.

  ‘You’re a successful academic, why are you diagnosing yourself with a problem?’ Taylor continued, slamming her mug down on the table a little too hard.

  ‘I’m not diagnosing myself. I’m just saying it is a possibility -’

  ‘So?’ Taylor interrupted. ‘It clearly doesn't affect your life in any way, so what does it matter?’ she said, her face turning red and her eyes starting to flame.

  ‘I... I...’ Paige stammered. She recognised that Taylor was getting angry, but she had no idea why, or what she had done wrong, or what to say to fix it. Taylor suddenly stood up.

  ‘You know what? Some people have real problems in this world, like real disabilities or addictions. I’m not here to be part of a pity party,’ she said, gathering all her things back up.

  ‘I wasn’t asking you -’

  ‘I know how this goes. Suddenly you’ve got this label and I have to put my life on hold as a result. I won’t do that, not again,’ Taylor said, taking one last look at a very shocked Paige before storming out of the cafe. Paige felt frozen to her seat and her mind went completely blank. The rest of the patrons in the cafe had turned around to watch, and Paige could feel all their eyes burning into her.

  A waitress came out the kitchen with their order, oblivious to what had just happened.

  ‘There you go,’ the waitress said, putting the meals down on the table. ‘Is your friend coming back, or...?’ she asked. Paige didn’t respond, but just carried on staring forwards.

  ‘O-kay then,’ the waitress said, rolling her eyes and walking away. Paige felt like every muscle in her body was tense, as if holding up the weight of the building she was in. Her mind was both blank and going a hundred miles an hour at the same time. The lights felt like too much. The sound of crockery on the counter felt like she was being slapped in the face. The sound of people around her talking felt like rising flood waters when she was anchored to the floor. She had to get out. As if coming out of a trance she was suddenly back in the room.

  ‘Can I have these to take away?’ she said, clumsily putting the plates back on the counter.

  ‘Of course. Is everything alright?’ the lady behind the counter said.

  ‘Yes, fine,’ Paige said sarcastically.

  Paige unintentionally snapped the polystyrene containers out of the woman’s hands and rushed out the door, leaving a few confused faces in her wake. A few minutes into her walk back to her university building she spotted a homeless man cowering from the cold in the doorway, and handed him the meals. She started walking away, but only made a few steps before turning back, wallet out, and handing him all the cash she had on her - around thirty pounds in total.

  ‘It’s not much -’ she began, stuttering.

  ‘Thank you!’ he said, not believing his eyes. Paige smiled weakly at him and headed back to the university, back to her car. She didn’t walk by the river this time but took the most direct route, emailing her department head as she did so.

  ‘I won’t be in for the rest of the day due to suddenly feeling ill,’ she wrote with no preamble. Her department head was used to her to-the-point emails, so she had no qualms about sending it.

  Once back at her car she threw her bag and coat onto the back seat, then herself into the driver’s seat. The engine roared into life, and she started backing out of her parking space, causing a passing cyclist to swerve to avoid her. She hit the steering wheel in frustration. She felt like someone was inflating all her muscles and the only way the pressure could escape would be by her brain exploding. She concentrated on her breathing, counting the seconds, but there was a quiver in every inhalation and exhalation. The texture of the steering wheel felt coarse under her fingertips as she ran them over the fake leather. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a car waiting to take her space. She closed her eyes and let out one long breath, before opening them, placing both hands on the steering wheel, and putting the car back into reverse.

  The drive home seemed to be over in a few seconds; Paige was on auto pilot and hardly noticed what she was doing. It was around half three by the time she put the handbrake on in her driveway. She didn’t get out of the car immediately. Instead, she just sat there, not really noticing as the car got colder around her. It was gone four o’clock by the time she wearily got out of the car, her limbs having stiffened from being in the same position for so long. Zombie-like she unlocked the door, dropped her bag in the hallway, and made her way into the living room. Sooty picked his head up with a chirp, not expecting her home so early. She collapsed on the sofa next to him and he lazily stretched before moving to her lap. She absentmindedly stroked him, his smooth fur providing enough sensory input to start bringing her back to reality.

  Paige looked at her phone, hoping to see some kind of communication from Taylor. That it was all a mistake, some big misunderstanding, and that they could be friends again. But there was nothing. So she texted her, apologising, though she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for. Then she rang Maya.

  The phone rang for a long time b
efore Maya groggily answered.

  ‘Hello?’ she said sleepily.

  ‘Hi, Maya. It’s me.’

  ‘Spence? It’s one in the morning, why are you ringing me?’

  ‘Oh,’ Paige said, internally swearing. ‘Sorry, Maya, I forgot.’

  ‘You forgot I’m in Japan?’

  ‘I forgot there was a time difference.’

  ‘Right... if it’s OK with you I’m gonna go back -’

  ‘Taylor and I had a fight. A big one. I don’t really know what happened,’ Paige said, desperately wishing her best friend wasn’t on the other side of the world right now.

  ‘What happened?’ Maya said, sounding more alert.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What were you talking about?’

  ‘Her brother, work, one of my masters students, autism.’

  ‘Autism?’

  ‘Yes, I mentioned that I might have it. Then she started yelling.’

  ‘Oh, sweetie.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It sounds like she didn’t react well to you identifying as autistic.’

  ‘I didn’t identify as autistic, I said it was a possibility that I am.’

  ‘Right. And what did she say?’

  ‘That me having a label would mean she had to put her life on hold.’

  ‘Hmmm.’

  The two women sat in silence for a while. Every now and again Paige could her the muffled rustling of a duvet.

  ‘Honestly, lovely, I don’t know why she reacted like that either. Maybe she’s got something else going on. But the point is, if you are autistic, then it’s part of you; it’s intrinsic to who you are. If she can’t accept that part of you then it’s her loss.’

  ‘But -’

  ‘No buts. You are a wonderful human being, “quirks” and all.’

  ‘Thanks, Maya,’ Paige said, tears welling up in her eyes. It had been a long, emotional day and her ability to cope with any emotions, even nice ones, was limited.

  ‘Now if it’s OK with you, I’m going to go back to sleep. I’ll call you this evening, OK? This evening my time, that is.’